by John Travolta
Hey you guys! It's Johnny boy again! I'm rather excited to report this week's results, so I''m starting a little early. I'm chilling here with my best friend Tom Cruise, watching the thrilling Monday Night Football matchup of the Lions of Detroit versus the Bears of Illinois.
We'll get to the hard-hitting fake football analysis shortly, but I wanted to take a moment to address my friend Hank Williams, Jr.'s recent troubles with ESPN. If you're unaware, the "worldwide leader in sports" dropped his immortal Monday night intro song, "All My Rowdy Friends are Coming Over Monday Night," after Bocephus merely spoke his mind about the state of American politics. He innocently compared a golf game between the president and my hero John Boehner to a meeting between the person responsible for the most human suffering and death in modern history and Benjamin Netanyahu, president of Israel.
He's not saaaaaaaaaaaying that Obama is Hitler -- he's just saying Obama is like Hitler in that deep down he wants to commit genocide against Boehner's people. So this is all being blown out of proportion. What's that, Tom Cruise? He said the president is "the enemy," along with Joe Biden? He called them the "Three Stooges?" But there are only two of them. Uh-huh? Oh. OK. Well, his first amendment rights have STILL BEEN VIOLATED! American citizens are allowed to say whatever they want and you can't fire them for it! What's that, Tom Cruise? Oh, damn it. They mean that you can't be fired from THE COUNTRY? Employers CAN fire people for making them appear to endorse extremist viewpoints? Shitty.
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| The voice of reason? |
Well, at least the song isn't adapted for football from another version, about how the South "woulda had it made" if the Confederacy had won the Civil War. OK, Tom Cruise is telling me that IS, in fact, what that song is about. I'm starting to wonder why I get my political insight exclusively from Bocephus.
God dammit. It's still bullshit. That song, Confederate-sympathizing or not, was a part of the soul of Monday Night Football, and I'll miss it. Hardcore.
Welp! Time to get to brass tacks: FANTASY ANALYSIS!
Rochester Bizz Jolts vs. Seattle Hee Trumpers
135.3 135
Ho-lee poopwads. This was the closest final score in the storied two-year history of the West Wilson Street Revival fantasy football league. Not only that, it went right down to the wire. In fact, we spoke with Coach Cozine for possibly the first-ever actual post-game interview, recapping the Packers-Falcons game, in which both the JBs and the Randy Arborists' last hopes laid:
The Falcons got the ball with 1:10 left on the clock. My player, Tony Gonzalez, made a catch after which the Falcons declined a defensive penalty. If they had accepted, the catch would not have counted and I would have had 2.2 fewer points.
That wasn't enough to win though.
I needed the very next play, which was a mere 2 yard completion to T-Gon, which gave me 1.2 points, and overcame my .9 point deficit by .3. Atlanta finished it off by throwing an incomplete and an interception immediately afterward.
Meanwhile, the only player Lou had left in play, Julio Jones, was injured midway through the 4th quarter, thus assuring no way for him to get any last minute points himself. It was "the perfect storm."
Tom and I agree: "The perfect storm" could have been the lamest possible end to that blockquote, but look at the source, I guess. Anyway, Dan wins, and the fabulous fantasy predicting Wally is 0-for-1 on the day. Boners: Eric Decker and Tebowmania
Affirmative Sacktion vs. Madison Smashing Scrotkins
109.3 147.9
It appears that either Coach Moylan of the Alaskan branch of the league is either on vacation and forgot to put someone in charge (next time talk to Cozine's Malaysian man-boy) or just conceded this week's game to a bye-week loss. This should serve as a warning to all you little boys and girls out there: Pay attention to bye weeks on draft day. Coach Craig entered the week five players short, and didn't make any waiver claims or anything to rectify the situation. He played short two positions, tight end and running back.
But it appears Sherlock Cruise has locked onto a raging clue in this Scooby D'oh mystery: The Blacktion Attacktion had a tight end sitting on the bench the whole time! So, it appears old Moylan was caught with his pants down this week.
Coach Tyson was grateful for any victory at all:
Even if Moylan had his head too far up your mom's ass to set a roster or pay attention on draft day, so be it. I'm sure it's pleasurable for your mom, so let's just call it good. Madison will take anything that puts it above .500. [Crushes can on head, belches, blows snot rocket]. We ain't too proud 'round here.
K-town Tootpeggers vs Kenosha LiquiShits
In yet another crosstown rivalry match, Coach Nick and Coach Tractor Traylor clashed in a close-ish battle of the butts. Nick apparently only needs one quarterback, since despite Kyle Orton's spectacular -0.7-point implosion, he pulled off a victory by about 20. Fred Jackson put up a studly 30, and everybody else pretty much achieved what as expected of them. Add that to some less-than-spectacular days from Traylor's Crabtree (5.4) and Jordy Nelson (4.7), and you've got yourself a Hershey Squirt teabaggin' Tootpegger on your hands. And that smell stays on you for WEEKS. Believe me -- Tom and I know.
Tractor Traylor had this to say after the game:
I can't believe that little son-in-law assbag managed to pull off a victory against me. On top of that, I'm shocked he TRIED to beat me. Christmas is coming up. We will be eating some very large meals together... some very large meals high in tryptophan. Watch where you nap, Nick. I know I will...
Chilling. Boner: Orton
Philadelphia Butt Pirates vs. Madison Banana Hammocks
111.5 171.5
Coach Davy's doing something right. Either that or he's finally had that fateful business meeting with the Prince of Darkness. The results were tremendous this week for the Cack-Cradlers. Adrian Petersen (30.2) exploded, Dwayne Bowe (31.8) came out of nowhere and on-again-off-again A.J. Green (20) was on. Again. It was a monster day for Davy, but his lack of depth might hurt him down the road. Coach Chuckles the Clown has more consistency, but he suffered a double-swing when his bad luck combined with the Hammocks' good. Three of his five RB/WRs scored single digits and no one else, save Frank Gore (20.3) had a real high-performance day.
Charlie, unable to cope with a loss in Madison, died in a puddle of his own vomit, blood and chicken bones after the game, and was unavailable for comment.
Boner: too blase to pick.
Waukesha Special Exceptions vs. Washington, D.C. Pseudopod Lightningrods
127.7 123.5
Coach Derr, amid a roiling controversy this week regarding his dues, entered Monday night behind by about 30 with two players in the MNF game: Jahvid Best and the Lions defense/special teams. Coach Sweeney felt confident going into the game, with Best averaging a mere 17.1 points per game on the season. Of course, the motherfucker scored 30, and the God damn Lions scored 5, helping asshole Blake to a 4.2 point victory.
Coach Sweeney was overheard shouting at the moon after the game while chain smoking:
Blake Derr, you cork soaker. You fargin sneaky bastage. I'm gonna take your dwork. I'm gonna nail it to the wall. I'm gonna crush your boils in a meat grinder. I'm gonna cut off your arms. I'm gonna shove 'em up your icehole. Dirty son-a-ma-batches. This is fargin' war!
Boner: Kevin Kolb (4.3)
So there you have it. Another week in the bag. Tom Cruise and I are going to go get some ice cream, but we enjoyed this week infinitely more than the losers of these close, close games. Sadly, Wally was 1-for-5 on the week's predictions, meaning he needs to get his act together. Here's a picture of a girl making faces at a baby elephant. Toodles!
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