You know, after last weeks face fuck, I honestly thought it could not get worse. In my heart of hearts, I foolishly believed that the nonsense would end. My soul told me that it was going to be the last week we had to drown our sorrow by sticking it to a Colombian UPS guy. Well, guess what? Thanks to you limp dickeroos, I had to re-mount Eduardo in order to muster up the moxie to even discuss this weeks events. Personally, I blame Dan Cozine for putting the idea in my head to have unprotected sex with a Central American man. Alright, enough about me, lets talk about you taint ticklers.
In, "holy shit how did that happen" news, both of the league's Madison franchises are in the postseason discussion for their respective divisions. If you could see my face, it looks suspiciously like there is a boner in it. How, did this happen? Davy Wagner and Nic Tyson have both turned Madison from the toilet bowl of the league into a classy executives restroom. One with an attendant who offers you a nice spritz of swanky cologne, like Tim McGraw or Antonio Banderas (actual colognes). Congratulations, gentlemen. I never thought that I would see this day. This turnaround should bring hope to the league's current cellar dwellers, the Kenosha Hershey Squirts and the Affirmative Blacktion...s. If it can happen to the Madison boys, it can happen to anyone...and I literally mean anyone.
But, the biggest news this week is the meteoric rise and fall of the Philadelphia Butt-Pirates. Charles Kinzie, chemist, scientist, ginger....ran out of stuff to say about him. The Ass Bandits seemed to have everything figured out, as they cruised to a quick division lead and a 3-0 record. Then, Blake-Gate happened and Kinzie has never recovered. Kinzie currently holds a tie for the second-longest losing streak in the league at four games. And while his playoff aspirations are still alive and well, it is a stern reminder that no matter how much Ginger Power we possess, we are just creepy gingers. Well, I'm not...but you know what I mean.
Game Recap
Seattle Bad Sons vs. Kenosha Murderous Rampages at Christmas Just You Wait
121.9 105.5
This week we had a father-son face-off as the coaches Olsen squared off in a bloodline battle for family pride. Was that enough family references? Survey says yes.
The major difference-maker here may be boiled down to one player: Coach Junior's Arian Foster (46.4). He WENT OFF on the Titans, making up for a lackluster performance from QBs Joe Flacco (9.7) and Matt Cassel (2.2). Because Olsen the Lesser's margin of victory was only about 15 points, Foster's performance was crucial to the victory. Also crucial was the best TE in fantasy football (for the moment), Jimmy Graham, who earned an unconscionable 33 points. The supporting cast of those two superstars scored a total (TOTAL!) 52 points.
It was truly an unlucky week for Coach Senior, as his players generally put up respectable numbers. Doubly unlucky was the injury to Blount-backup Earnest Graham. That puts the Squirts into real RB trouble, but probably makes those who missed the boat on this shrewd waiver pickup feel a little better. Boners: Joe Flacco and Matt Cassel
Coach Olsen, Sr., fired fucking everyone:
"Fuck you, Folk, goodbye Graham, beat it, Browns defense. My God, McGahee. 5.6 points? Breaston, you were a bust and Branch, you can bite my balls. Son, when you see me coming, you'd better cross the street because I'm gunning for you and your lucky streak is about to end"Let's hope an overhaul helps the embattled cellar-dwelling Hersey boys.
Rochester Horrible Weeks vs. Madison Bananactually Getting Respectables
70.8 139.8
Continuing the theme of horrible, Godawful, sour, blasted luck, Coach Cozine took a jizz bolt right to the chest this week, courtesy of his underperforming squad of probable homosexuals. I mean, he got it BAD. For instance, his highest scorer was the kicker he picked up off waivers after his single live draft pick (Nate Kaeding) decided to head home for the season with a boo-boo. Actually, the REAL kicker (see what I did there?) is that his biggest play was Kasay's 15 points.
That may have had something to do with the fact that Vick, Green-Ellis, Maclin and Manningham were all on bye weeks. Just maybe. That just goes to show that bye weeks are important to note when drafting. Maybe next time Coach Cozine will participate in the live draft instead of heading out to muscle beach to take in the scenery.
Reached for comment, Cozine spoke his mind thusly:
Just kidding, we didn't interview the son of a bitch. LOLZ.Coach Davy was ebullient in his post-game interview:
"I couldn't have hoped for a better day. We had a good showing and managed to rout the Bolts, who clearly don't have their shit together. Dirty Sanchez is starting to wear the mustache of a champion and Purple Jesus walks on water once again. I fear that Marques Colston could be taking fantasy enhancing drugs, though. I'll have to check his ass for needle marks. Personally. On another note, I'm just happy we didn't have to play the Claymakers and set a new record for closest loss -- those bastards would have beaten us by 0.1 points. Yeesh."
Boner: Daniel Winston Cozine
Kenosha Lucky Fucks vs. Waukesha Anti-Postal Services
167.6 139.9
How lucky can one guy possibly be? Coach Leiting started Tim Tebow and DeMarco Murray, both recent waiver claims that the coach had hoped would just hold down the fort for a week. Instead he got 26.9 from Tebow and 31.3 from Murray. You son of a bitch. Meanwhile your father-in-law hits the waiver wire harder than anyone else in the league and comes up with nothing. This is the same guy who took Fred Jackson "because Jonathan Stewart was already taken." Unbelievable. It's hard to imagine a championship scenario that does not involve the Bootleggers playing for the Ryan Leaf Trophy.
Meanwhile, Coach Derr continued his boycott of the USPS by scoring the vast majority of his points through the air, which clearly implies his preference for UPS and FedEx. His QB tandem of Rodgers and Schaub combined for the only five TDs on his entire roster. Live by the QB and die by the QB. Don't believe me, ask ginger pubes. On a positive note, Coach Derr must have been thrilled to see that Mike Williams decided to put down his ginger-ale and Redbook to play football for the first time all season.
Boner of the Game: Nate Washington - 2pts and Percy Harvin - 4.3pts
After the game, Coach Leiting was a dick:
"I am the greatest the world has ever seen. Fuck the players, I am the coach. Who do you think makes the pistons fire in this unstoppable 10 cylinder engine? It's me, slut nuts!!! Hey Blake, I was gonna mail you an apology check, but since no one mails checks any more, I ate your check and then pooped it out on my lawn. It confused my dog, see, because it was bigger than a dog turd. This team is so good, I have already cleared out a space on my mantle for Ryan Leaf's Action Figure. It is going right next to my "Baddest Mother Fucker on the Planet" award, and my BET award for "Whitest Black Guy of the Millennium" Award. Suck on that you labial folds. Leit-man...out!!"Man, that guy is an asshole. Must not have ever heard the phrase "Gracious in defeat." Oh wait...
I Stopped Paying Attention Weeks Ago vs D.C. Thank Jeebus I Got to Play Craig
116.1 160.9
I have heard of throwing in the towel, but I am starting to wonder if Craig is too busy having promiscuous Euro-sex to set a lineup. This week, he let Eli Manning show up, but there was no one there for him to play. So, he played with himself, which in this game does not earn you any points. Plus he played Felix Jones, which goes to show that his head is way to far up in the pussy clouds to set a valid fantasy football lineup. If you want to look on the bright side, Craig was only one player away from the first WWSRL circle jerk. Two men don't make a circle...they make a line. Think about it.
What a wasted effort from Coach Super Sweens Clamaslammajammas. The team put up a solid 160.9 points behind the always sexy Drew Brees. Very rarely do I mention a kicker in these re-caps, unless it is to mock them, but an 18 point performance from Mason Crosby deserves a tip of my pilots cap. Quakster Jr, seems to have his team headed in the right direction as they now find themselves atop the East division.
Boner of the Game has to be Coach Craig
This is the first double coaching boner of the season. You better believe that Sweeney had something to say about that after the game:
"Well, there is not a lot of pride in beating a team that only put eight men on the field. However, I am sure that Blake is crying about it all the way to his Swiss vagina account. Who needs wins when you can nail a chick in every European nation. My only advice to Craig, wrap that shit up. Sex lasts 2 1/2 minutes...for you, not for me, but Euro-crabs last for a few weeks with special shampoo and a tiny comb. In order to celebrate our victory, I am taking the entire team out for International House of Pancakes, in honor of our opponents exploits. I for one, am a sucker for a good stack of crepes."Damn it Sweeney, now I want some stuffed french toast. You bastard.
Madison Scrotes McGotes vs. Philadelphia Colon Conquerors
138 111.9
Rothelisberger's (32.2) rise to prominence is indeed a terrifying one, and Cam Newton's (28.1) brilliant rookie season are truly paying dividends for Coach Tyson's ragtag team of ne'er-do-wells. Greg Jennings (27.7) continued to put up totally enviable numbers, and the rest of the Smashers performed at least well enough to get by.
Coach Chuckles, once the major challenger for clear hegemond Nick Leiting, has fallen on hard times. Matt Stafford, while winning games from here to Timbuktu, managed only 13.3 fantasy points while Tom Brady, Frank Gore, Aaron Hernandez and Victor Cruz sipped on gin and juice over the bye week.
This while the Scrotes' only spectators were Cedric Benson and the erratic David Nelson. Planning: It's a good thing, and Tyson this week reaped the benefits.
Boner: Billy Cundiff laid a big, fat goose egg
Tyson had the following to say to league nemesis Coach Olsen of the Humpers:
"You thought it was real funny last year, mocking my struggling team, didn't you? Guess what, uncle fucker -- I'm comin' to getcha. That's right. Target on your back, you forest fairy. Prepare yourself for The Humpening, in which you will be humped until my entire team is blue in the face. I'm calling you out, and even Travolta's on my side." [Points and stares for 30 minutes, unmoving]Yikes! I have no idea what he's talking about, Lou. You know we're buddies, right?
In honor of all the sleaziness that happened this past weekend, here is a picture for you all to...enjoy? See you all next week.
No comments:
Post a Comment