Hello everyone. You may know me from my time as the QB for the Cleveland Browns. Or perhaps you remember me as "Mr. Kentucky Football", 1995. No? Oh, you probably know me from those Top 10 lists. Which one is not important. Fine, I am huge fucking failure. Sure, I was great in High School, but it seems like so was everyone else. I threw 80 touchdowns in college...at Kentucky!! Why did they think I would be good in the NFL? 1st overall!! Nobody drafts a FOOTBALL player from Kentucky, with the 1st overall pick. It wasn't my fault, it was ESPN's.
Oh, well it really doesn't matter because my wife is smoking hot. Plus I'm rich. Now I get to interview the coaches of the greatest fantasy football league in the land. This is my shot at redemption. So, I have no intention of wasting it. Over the next few weeks you will see the finest journalistic work you have ever seen. I am going to make Katie Couric look like a garden variety prostitute. Over the last few days I have been reading Leaf's interviews. That guy could not ask the tough questions. Believe me, that is about to change.
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| Photo courtesy of Davy Wagner, I assume he got it at the History Channel website. |
This week I will be sharing tea with WWSRL Commissioner, Charles Roger Kinzie. Not only is Kinzie the leader of the fantasy football free world, he is also the coach of Philadelphia's 2nd favorite football team, the Butt-Pirates. In his 2nd season as commander-in-chief, Chuck has expanded the league to 10 teams as well as implementing a new scoring system. Under his watch things have been firm, firm but fair.
Kinzie invited me to his horse stud farm in the suburbs of Philadelphia. He had me picked up from the airport in a limo, complete with Crown Royal and RC Cola. When I arrived, he handed me some tea and rushed me to a couch he had made specifically for this meeting. Chuck had the couch made by the kind Amish people who are native to the great state of Pennsylvania. After watching a quick round of "studding", we got down to business.
TC: Charlie, thank you for having me out here. It is beautiful.
CK: I love living here. It is such a peaceful place.
TC: I'd like to start today by getting something out in the open from the start. There has been some unpleasantness this season. One thing in particular, has really put a black mark on the decency of this league. It really needs no introduction...of course, we are talking about...Dan Cozine missing the draft. Everyone is still really pissed off about what happened that day. What was it like form your perspective?
CK: (sighs and takes a sip of coffee, Earl Grey perhaps) 5 minutes before the draft was going to start, I noticed that Dan had not entered the lobby yet. This tardiness was very unlike Cozine. So, rather than making a scene, I texted Dan to remind him about the start time of the draft. His response to me was something along the lines of:
I set auto draft list...I'm on the beach...I'm gay...Fuck you guys...
I responded to his insolence, with a simple: LAME!!
In the back of my mind I'm still holding out hope that he is going to show up. Then the draft started and there was no sign of Dan, until the 11th round. Dan walks down the aisle, wearing nothing but a speedo and some swim goggles. Cozine walks up to the podium and waits until it's his pick in the 12th round. That whore walked up to microphone and drafted Kicker Nate Kaeding, kicked over the podium, and walked out the door. Naturally, I assume that he went back to the beach, were he sipped on redneck martini's (Bud Light with Olives) straight from a Goldy Gopher glass.
TC: Wow. No wonder there was such an uproar from the league. What a blatant show of disrespect to everything that this league stands for. I can't wait to interview Coach Cozine to ask him about his outrageous behavior. Speaking of outrageous behavior, there has been some other bally-hoo going on in the league lately. Talk to me about the current Blake crisis. How has it impacted the 2nd season of the league? Has it been resolved? Will Blake stay in the league? How did it come to this?
CK: This interview is way too serious. The season has not been impacted too severely by this whole thing. It would be nice if I could focus on making the league better, instead of spending time having to wipe up Blake's sopping vagina on a weekly basis. Quite frankly I am fed up with his constant complaining. Why is it my fault that he can't read? Why is it my responsibility to draw out the rules for him in Jumbo Crayola crayons? I can only hope this incident is not as distracting to the rest of the league as it is to me. Personally I was most upset by him calling out the rest of the league and then demanding wins under threat of quitting the league. It was the first act of terrorism our league has ever witnessed. This is a situation that was completely avoidable. Plenty of notice was given. The payment rules were clearly placed on the league homepage and the blog. E-mails were sent in order to remind Blake. The man is impossible to get a hold of. Oh, and by the way, every member of the league paid by check, through the mail. So suck on that Derr.
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| This is actually Tim Couch's wife. |
TC: It is something that really puts everyone in a bad mood. You never want to see terrorism in sports. Chuck, this is another tough question. I hate to keep doing this to you. What was it like to relocate the team from a players paradise like Chicago, to the godless heathen fans who inhabit Philadelphia?
CK: Shh. They don't actually know yet. I've given the entire city of Chicago a cocktail which consists of whiskey sours, Valium, and Xanax. The Xanax is in case they do find out, it will be easier for them to take.
TC: Charlie, that is a bombshell. No wonder the city doesn't seem to care how bad the Bears are. If you were trapped on a dessert island and you could take 1 movie, 1 book, and 1 video of a sports season, what would you take?
CK: BASEketball, Dune, and the '85 Bears
TC: Good choices cock, beer?
CK: What?
TC: Nothing. Chuck any comment on the possibility of expanding the playoffs to 6 teams next season?
CK: I don't know what you are talking about....
TC: Are...are you sure?
CK: Drop it Couch!!
TC: Okie-dokie. As a coach, who do you fear the most?
CK: The Bootleggers. Coach Leiting has the team to beat right now. They are hands down the best.
TC: In that same frame of thought, which team do you fear the least?
CK: Big Lou's team. Nothing personal...your team sucks Mr. Olsen.
TC: Let's stay with this, if you could have one other coach in the league run your team, who would it be?
CK: Probably Lil' Lou. He seems to be...wwwwwith it!! (it sounds just like it reads)
TC: Chuck, what are the odds that I could get a tryout...to play for the Butt-Pirates as 3rd string QB?
CK: Not good. Like, ice cube in hell not good.
TC: How about assistant QB coach?
CK: Still no.
TC: Fair enough. Now it's time for Tim's Ten Questions!!
How many gas stations would you say there are in America?
CK: 37,000
TC: If someone wrote a biography about your life, what would it be called?
CK: Master of Disaster: Where did it all go...right?
TC: Is Elvis really dead?CK: No
TC: Tupac?
CK: No, I'm fairly certain they are roomies.
TC: If you could speak to one type of animal, what would it be?
CK: Mongoose
TC: Which sounds like a worse sex act: The Cosby Sweater or the Alabama Hot Pocket?
CK: Alabama Hot Pocket
TC: What do wood and alcohol have in common?
CK: Whiskey is matured in burnt oak barrels.
TC: How are M&M's made?
CK: As President and CEO of the Butt-Pirates franchise, am not at liberty to share that information with you.
TC: If you could trade places with any active NFL player, who would it be?
CK: Tom Brady
TC: Which do you hate the most: Nazis, Communists, Al-Qaeda, or American Southerners?
CK: Bastard! American Southerners because I feel like there are more of them. That gives me so much more to hate.
I would like to thank our fearless leader for taking some time to sit with me in the countryside and share some of this thoughts. After the interview we spent the afternoon frolicking with the studs and playing very aggressive game of Bocce Ball. Turns out Mr. Kinzie takes competitive Bocce to a whole new level. Truly terrifying.
Happy Birthday Chuck.
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