The Philadelphia Butt-Pirates Bring Home Title

written by Lou Olsen

On a blustery Sunday afternoon, two Division winners took the field.  Both coaches making their 2nd appearances in the Ryan Leaf Title Game.  One coach on the winning end, the other on the losing.  Either way, both men wandered into familiar territory to do battle this day. 

Earlier in the 2012 campaign, the Sandusky Disciples and Philadelphia Butt-Pirates met in a shoot out.  Over 365 points scored between the two teams, but the Butt Pirates prevailed by 2 points.  On Sunday, they doubled that total by winning the title in a 4 point contest.

In a game where no single player truly excelled, it would have been hard to pick an MVP.  Therefore, the MVP of the Championship was Head Coach Charles Ginger Rogers Kinzie himself.  A wedding on Saturday and coaching excellence on Sunday.  This was truly a Ginger weekend. 

As the coach on the losing end this weekend, I do not feel sad, nor do I make any excuses.  The team that I started on Sunday, gave me the best chance to win.  The only thing I will say, Darren Sproles was expected to score the least amount of points on my team...per ESPN...and yet he scored the most.  Once again proving that ESPN projections are about as useful as an aardvark in Antarctica. 

I am proud of Chuck for putting together a team that may not have looked the prettiest on paper, but was still able to win when it mattered most.  Plus...ummm he had a little extra going on this weekend, which makes me even prouder of him.  As his life long friend...this was just his weekend.  I was never going to win this game...and I couldn't be happier about it.

Earlier this week I told my Dad and Nick that if I scored more than 130 points I would win.  I didn't do that and it played right into Charlies cold, soulless hands. 

As the head writer of the blog, I would like to thank everyone for allowing me to publicly humiliate you with words.  You are all good sports and I hope that next season is better as far as shit talking goes.  I know Sweeney and your reigning Ginger over-lord agree. 

So, since tonight is Christmas Eve, I know libations will be flowing freely.  Raise a class for Chuck and text him a picture of it.  Show your respect for the Champ and our Commissioner. 

In closing, the season is done.  All we can do now is cheer for our real teams (I assume many of us are Packers fans, so at least we still have that) and look forward to next years draft. 

Merry Christmas guys.  And for the record, I will be accepting trade offers on all players not named RGIII and Arian Foster. 

A Championship Interview of Thrones

Listen up, jerks. We're about to have at least one new overlord. The other will be a division overlord, but likely he'll be as bitter and terrible as the next. It's time to get to know your new rulers, so that you can enter their good graces. Judging by this interview, the only thing they can agree on is a desire to enter our collective love holes. Enjoy the show this Sunday, my fellow sodomites, and have a great secular series of days off.

 

1. Why are you in the Championship ahead of everyone else?

Chuck: My game plan coming into this year was draft for points and not draft based on perceived talent, "big-name talent," or "home run hitting" ability. After all, scoring more points than your opponent wins games. Trading up to get two first round picks and Graham also helped. I was able to withstand injuries and cost into the playoffs with a first round bye.

Lou: This year I think I made it because of my draft.  My primary starting lineup has remained healthy and unchanged.  My QBs, WRs, and RBs have not changed since the day of the draft.  They have all remained healthy and performed at the level I hoped they would.  The only difference in my team from September until now is TE, D/ST, and K.  So to make a long winded answer shorter, I got really fucking lucky.

 

2. Who got the luckiest this year? The unluckiest? In fantasy football, I mean.

Chuck: In my opinion, Lou is the luckiest. Drafting two rookies in RGIII and Martin, both of which ended up as #6 and #3 in points at their respective positions was a big risk and it paid off. He also rattled off five straight wins to squeak into the first round bye thanks to the aforementioned rookies and a cosmic implosion. The unluckiest is Craig, whom I'm not sure is even aware he is in the league at this point. 1-12? I look forward to seeing the proposed names for next year. The Alaskan Bear Boners? Just "Sarah Palin"?

 

Lou: I think that Dan Cozine was the luckiest for the first 10 weeks of the season, but in the end his team showed everyone that they were the steamy pile of soggy dog turds we all thought they would be.  The unluckiest was probably a 3-way tie between my dad (Dildos), Nick (Bootleggers), and  Sweens (Clam).  Those three teams just seemed to have the weirdest strokes of terrible luck.  Whether it was Cam Newton blowing the Clams up, or having unbelievable amounts of points scored against them, or keeping guys on the bench who score 35 points on a given week.  Since I studied the league all year, all three of those teams had equally craptastic luck.  It is too difficult to pick one of those unlucky fucks.   

3. What will you do with the money if you win?

Chuck: Brew a victory pale ale. Then, who knows...

Lou: Get it all made into singles, then make it rain in my living room.  That's something rappers still do right?  Make it rain?  No, just kidding I am white.  Probably spend it at Pier 1 Imports.  That's something white people do right? Pier 1 Imports?  Fuck it, I am going to blow it on [oregano] and booze. 

4. Why can't Blake pay his dues?

Chuck: Like Craig, I think he sometimes forgets he is in the league. After last year's Blakegate, we had Blakegate II this year. He managed to pay dues before the playoff week 1 kickoff. WTF?

Lou: [Ed. note - Louballs was unaware that Blake had paid in before the playoffs began... barely] Don't fucking know, don't fucking care.  I have never met Blake or even so much as got an e-mail from the guy.  During the first two seasons of the league, I tried to get him to do an interview and he did not even so much as send me a reply with the word "No" on it.  So he can eat a hearty bag of herpes riddled dicks.  He's Chuck's problem...unless I win.  Then he is my problem.  So pay your fucking dues deadbeat.  I know you have a job.  Just pay the Ginger so we can make fun of you for something else.  The racist in me wants to make a black joke, but the logical person in me says that not all black people refuse to pay their bills.  Either way, go sell some crack or something, get your $50 and pay the Ginger already.  This is the last week of the season you giant circumcised clit.  Get your shit together. Fuck.

 

5. What do you think about the new loser/draft pick bracket system? Craig had a terrible season, and now has fourth draft pick.

Chuck: I was hoping to maintain the competitive spirit of the playoffs for those in the "losers bracket". To some degree it succeed. In Craig's case, epic FAIL.

Lou: Well, personally I love it.  Because last year I finished the season with the worst regular season record, but then won all 3 of my "boner bracket" games...which gave me an 8-8 record overall.  Then I still got re-named!!  So, while this new strategy is slightly unfair to Tyson and Cheap-ass Blake, they should have tried to win games once the regular season was over.  And on a side note, I made it to the Championship this year without a 1st round pick at all.  So Craig, it's not about where you pick, it's about what you do with that pick.

6. Who is this league's Taco? If you don't know what that means, explain why you haven't started watching "The League" yet.

Chuck: Clam faces = pink tacos. Don't watch, like Lou. Might have something to do with the fact that he and I are in the championship. Thus, I shall never watch it. Taco? Burrito Supreme? Cinnamon twists?

Lou: Never watched "The League", so...I have never watched it because I play fantasy football and there is no need to watch other people play fantasy football, regardless of how hilarious it may be.  Plus, I have better things to do...like watch documentaries on why the ginger gene may be extinct in 100 years.  Since I have no idea what a taco is, I will just guess that....Davy is a taco?

7. This year we had 29 matches decided by 15 points or less. Are we all very skilled? Idiots? What's happening to us?

Chuck: That means we had 36 matches decided by more than 15 points. More wins by a large margin of victory than a small margin. Granted, there was a 0.1 point margin in one game. Closer than an infant's shaved bottom. There was some disparity in skill, talent, cojones, whatever, between the teams managed by those not named Blake and Craig, the league cupcakes.

Lou: I think that because of the format and scoring, every game is going to be competitive for the most part.  Occasionally there will be total blowouts, but we saw so many painfully close games.  In particular, Dan and Craig's 0.1 point affair a few weeks back.  I think this is a sign that everyone is getting better at putting competitive rosters on the imaginary field each week.  Plus, the fformat we play lends itself to higher scoring affairs week in and week out.  We essentially opened Pandora's Virginity and now she is slutting it up all over town.  It makes for great blog material though.

8. What injury changed the outcome of this season the most?

 

Chuck: Dan put all of his egg's in one basket this year: the high-risk-high-reward basket, and it bit him square in the keister. Vick, McFadden, and Nelson to a lesser extent. Not to mention passing on superior point producers in the draft to take in very own Decker.

Lou: I would say Dan's big 3, Michael Vick, Darren McFadden, and Jordy Nelson.  All three of those guys went down during the 2nd half of the season, which is when the Cosmos self-destructed.  I don't think that was a coincidence.  Granted, his team was weak with those guys anyway, but then he had to trust guys like Eric Decker and Fudge Packer MacGoo (Tony Romo) to carry his team.  Without those injuries, I would not have won the division.  That is a fact.  But I still would have owned him the playoffs.  That is more opinion than fact.   

9. Who was the best waiver pickup of the year?

Chuck: Alfred Morris. Saved my season after Roy Helu went down.

Lou: Well, I liked my old man picking up Cecil Shorts, that was an amazing grab.  Guy came out of nowhere to average about 18 points per week when the old man needed to make a serious run.  But the BEST waiver pick-up was Alfred Morris, hands down.  Chuck grabbed him right after week one and road his beefy thighs all the way to the title game.  Who knew that this unknown rookie would be the 3rd leading rusher in the NFL and a Top 10 fantasy back?  Obviously the off-spring of Satan did.  Well played Gingervitis! 

10. Offer your choice for each last-place team's shitty name for next year

Chuck: FYI, Craig and Blake were in last place in their divisions at regular season's end. Tyson earned the 2nd pick via the draft pick playoff, not the honor of having his team renamed.

Craig - see question 2 or Dirty Sanchez.

Blake - I'm partial to Taint Polishers.

Lou: Well, I have posted so many on the message board, but I have a favorite for each team.  I love the Alaska Shit Suckers and the Waukesha Power Bottoms.  I would also really enjoy naming a team the Ketchikan/Waukesha Hitler Youth's.  But like with my team name, maybe a football scandal will arise and we can publicly humiliate someone all the way to the Championship game.

11. Do last year's losers get to change their team names back to whatever they want this year?

Chuck: Yes. They responded and turned their teams around.

Lou: That was my understanding.  So I intend to change my name to something a little less child rapey.  But I think my Dad should stick with the Fightin' Dildos.  I always kind of liked that name.  Kind of scary and way better than his old team name...which I think had some sort of diarrhea reference?  Right now I am leaning towards the Emu's of Doom, or the Atomic Ass-Hats. 

12. What is your new year's fantasy resolution?

Chuck: Get Blake's dues before the 2013 season draft.

Lou: Never use a high draft pick to take a D/ST or K.  Those will always be my final two picks, because this year taught me that I can have a different one each week and it doesn't make a hobo's dick worth of difference. 

13. What got you to the championship, coaching decisionmaking-wise?

Chuck: Waiver pickups. Grabbing the RB fill-ins Morris and Moreno helped maintain RB depth.

Lou: The draft.  The moment that it was over, I remember talking to Charlie, my Dad, and Nick.  We all went over our teams and I realized that I got every player I wanted, without a 1st round pick.  I am here because I had a draft plan and stuck too it...oh yeah, and drafting RGIII did not hurt either.  That guy fucking kicks ass. 

14. I hate you guys.

Chuck: Gay sex? I'll bring the lube.

Lou: If by hate, you mean "want to have gay sex with," then I accept your...hate.

Conference Championship Obituaries

article by: Burt Reynolds

Yeah!!  You like that?  You should, that is the ass of a handsome man.  Well, two more of your buddies are dead and in the ground.  The city of Kenosha is probably taking the day off of work to grieve.  I mean both of your franchises eliminated on the same weekend...what a world. 

Well, let's say goodbye.  I got whores to fuck on my brand new leopard skin couch. 





K-Town Bootleggers
You can never anticipate the end of your season.  In many cases, things seem to be going your way...then everything pukes on its own shit, eats it and pukes up the puke shit.  The Bootleggers season was ended by the hands of Ryan Tannehill, who was in for the injured RGIII.  Having a season end this way is incomprehensible.  It is like buying the last ticket for the Hindenburg, or watching 'The Sixth Sense' in the theater and figuring out Bruce Willis is dead 5 minutes in...you can't just leave, you paid full price for your ticket...sure you could sneak into another theater...  The point is, the injury to RGIII seemed to be that sparkling piece of luck a team needs to advance in Fantasy Football, but on this day it was not meant to be.  This is a team that should be buried with pride and prejudice.  Everyone hates rednecks...yet we all willingly drink their swill without thinking twice.  Disgusting.

The 2012 Bootleggers faced a similar problem to the 2011 Bootleggers: great strength at WR and RB, but middle of the road talent at the QB position.  On this particular weekend, Josh Freeman really sucked the days dick (4 INT's and a fumble, for a total of 2pts).  Matt Ryan was nothing, if not consistent this year (which is fucking boring if you ask me).  These two QB's were then backed up by Brandon Weeden, arguably the 3rd worst QB in the league (behind Mark Sanchez and Tim Tebow).  But that aside, this team was still able to make a playoff run and get within two TD's of going to the Ryan Leaf Championship Game.  This proves that you can win in this league without top tier QB's, but the teams at the top this season both have a pair of Top 10 QB's. 
  
As many of you know, I have a kinship with rednecks who make their own booze.  I've played them in movies, persecuted them in movies, and hell I've even made my own moonshine in the Appalachian Mountains.  Coach Lightning is without a doubt one of the best coaches when it comes to the skill positions, but if he wants to take the next step in 2013 he needs to bite the bullet and draft at least one QB who doesn't have extra labial folds.  That was a vagina joke.  And here comes a sodomy joke.  I bet that when everyone decided to re-name the Tree Humpers after Sandusky, they never expected to get a special shower visit from King Pedophile himself.  Death by shower rape...that's the way I want to go.

So, let us lift our jugs and spit out another rotted tooth.  May they rest in a shallow grave, until the neighbor kid digs them up to have butt sex with their corpses...one last time.

Kenosha Fightin' Dildos
This team was the true Cinderella of this season.  A team that was beyond terrible in 2011, bounced back to make a run at the title.  They fought through two tough weeks, first besting the Clam Faces to win the final playoff spot and then rear-ended the Banana Hammocks last weekend in Madison.  For their journey to come to an end is sad, but we should marvel in their accomplishments.  Taking a huge risk in retaining Peyton Manning, when everyone said he was finished.  Picking up virtual unknown Cecil Shorts, to help push this team into the playoff race.  Drafting Brandon Marshall, the leading scorer among RB's and WR's in 2012.  Truly, there is much to be proud of for this franchise in 2012.

Sadly, Eli Manning and Victor Cruz decided to take the week off.  Look no further than that for why Cinderella slipped on dog shit on her way out of the ball and fell down 78 flights of stairs to her mangled, dog shit covered, death.  Eli Manning played like Mark Sanchez and Tim Tebow's love child.  He only completed 13 passes and threw 2 INT's with no TD's (2.4 pts).  Since he only completed 3 passes, that meant Victor Cruz only caught 3 balls for 15 yards (4.5 pts).  When two of your biggest fantasy stars can't even combine for 7 points...you deserve to be dead and covered in dog shit.  Even if they only combine for 20 points, at least the Dildos would have had a chance.  This was the biggest game in the history of this franchise and two of the faces of the franchise, pulled out their wangs and jerked it all over their own fan base. 

In our sport, they say a coach losses his edge as he gets older, but as an old bastard myself...I think this old dog is about to fuck himself some new tricks in 2013.  And look, we all love an aggressive Dildo.  That is why it is so sad to see this team put to rest.  The good news for them is, they won their money back and have won the right to name their own team for next year.  Me personally, after the season Coach Olsen Sr. just put together...I would keep the Fightin' Dildos banner.

Everyone raise your glasses of Metamucil, put 'Murder, She Wrote' on, turn on the subtitles, and take out your hearing aids.  Every Dildo dies...but not every Dildo truly lives

Conference Championship Preview

article by: Morgan Freeman
foreward by: Lou Olsen

Guys, before we get into the preview I have a quick anouncement.  Even though none of you will probably give a shit, this is the 100th article on this blog and earlier this week we surpassed 100,000 views.  That is not a type-o...100,000 views.  Either you guys are wasting a ton of time at work, or thanks to our constant abuse of celebrities we pop up in weird search engines.  Either way, it is kind of cool.  Once again I would like to thank Brian Sweeney for his work and dedication to this non-sense.  Even though right now he hates fantasy football and all of us, I know next year he will come back with a vengance.  Now, I will hand it off to Morgan Freeman.

The quest for Ryan Leaf Glory, has reached another stepping stone.  In a field that began with 10 competitors for the sports ultimate prize, we now find ourselves with only 4 potential outcomes.  On one end, a battle between brothers from another mother.  The other, a Ginger on a mission against an old man who's internal clock is ticking.  No matter how you slice it, there is a 75% chance that a member of the Olsen clan walks away with the immortal Ryan Leaf action figure.  If you said you saw that coming right after the draft, you are a liar and deserve to be skinned alive while being forced to listen to Taylor Swift albums.

At this point in the season, there are no more losers, only winners...who lose.  Both of the #2 seeds in each division was eliminted by the #3 seed respectively.  To lose at this level is deflating, but not the end.  Only one of these 4 teams will truly walk away empty handed, so the battle to not be #4 begins now. 

K-Town Bootleggers vs. Sandusky Disciples 

Brothers.  Websters Dictionary defines it as: two dudes who share a mother or father.  Coach Nicholas Gregory Jonathan Micheal Harrington Lightning and Coach Louis Charles Zanzibar Olsen Jr. IV, do not share either.  Coach Lightning is married to Lil' Coach Olsen's sister, thus their brotherhood is cemented.  There will be no love lost on the playing field this weekend however.  These two have a strong bond off the field that will not be broken easily...unless of course Coach Olsen loses and goes over to his brothers house and eggs it...TP's it...dumps bleach on the front lawn...lights a cross on fire in his front yard...and uses paint thinner to draw a giant penis on the hood of his car.  That might do it.  But I have no way of knowing if that will happen or not. 

These two teams are very evenly matched.  I can only see one true wild card in this game, and that is the status of RGIII, the rookie superstar of the Disciples.  Should he play, this game sways in favor of the shower power kids.  But should RGIII not play, I believe that the Ryan Leaf Trophy will not be showering in any boys locker rooms this season.  And if there is one thing I know about bootlegging, it ain't over until you get arrested.  Kidnapping RGIII would not be the worst strategy in the world for coach Lightning and his band of misfit hillbillies.     

It is always tough to preview these games because we already know so much about these two teams.  They have been dissected, over- analyzed, and cavity searched.  So why am I wasting so much time talking about them, when I could be narrating a documentary on the life of the horn-dicked weasel of central Malaysia?  Because football is our life-blood.  It is what we live and die for on a weekly basis.  I love football, more than I love weasels who have horns for dicks.  That is why I am here today.  These two teams do not need my help, they will be just fine.  Tune in this weekend to see who will take home the Eastern Alliance Title - Deciding Integral Championship Konsideration or the EAT-DICK Trophy. 

ESPN Projection - Bootleggers - 175  vs.  Disciples - 176
Morgan Freeman Prediction - The hottest team in the league doesn't run out of steam just yet, Disciples win 168.4 to 159.8
 

Kenosha Fightin' Dildos vs. Philadelphia Butt Pirates 

The Dildos snuck into the playoffs on the last day of the regular season and have been in playoff mode for the past two weekends, winning both times.  Meanwhile the Butt Pirates have been lying dormant and have not played a meaningful game since they won a shootout with the Sandusky Disciples in Week 8.  To the untrained eye, this would look to be in the favor of the Fightin' Dildos, but Morgan Freeman has a trained eye...and he believes otherwise. 

There is something to be said for a coach who is notoriously ginger.  People say they have no souls.  Cats say...they have no souls.  What is to stop a man who does not have the moral compass to stop himself?  Perhaps a giant black dildo in the eye, but there is no way to be sure.

Both coaches have abandoned the 3 WR and 2 RB combo, in favor of 2 WR and 3 RB attacks.  Despite the fact that both coaches relied on the 3 WR system, they both have decided to play the match ups they have been dealt.  For the Dildos we will see; DeMarco Murray, Reggie Bush, and Chris Johnson.  For the Fanny Bandits; Alfred Morris, Knowshon Moreno, and Matt Forte.  This will be the grouping to watch for and in my estimation will be the deciding factor of this game.  

Coach Louis George Zanzibar Olsen III (or LGZOIII) has made this particular old fart a believer in the power of the elderly.  Last season, Big Lou watched helplessly as his team floundered into last place securing the 1st overall pick in the draft.  Wisely he used that pick to draft Eli Manning, creating the most feared QB duo in the league.  Meanwhile Coach Charles Ginger Rogers Kinzie is a 3-time division champ, but has never hoisted the ultimate piece of hardware.  This off-season, he unloaded Matt Stafford in order to build the ultimate Fantasy wrecking crew.  Two wonderful stories, but like all stories (accept Disney stories) someones is about to have a Titanic ending.  Only one can win the Western Alliance for Championship Konsideration - Institution Trophy, or the WACK-IT. 

ESPN Projection -  Dildos 174  vs.  Butt Pirates 170
Morgan Freeman's Projection -  The Dildos are the feel good story of the year, but their Faggy Fairy Tale ends here. Pirates move to the title game, 169.2 - 162.3.

In Memoriam: 1st Round of Playoffs

Burt is back baby!!  Bet you thought I was too good to come back fro a 2nd week in a row?  Bet you thought I had better things to do?  Guess again honkeys!!

This week we lay two of your friends to rest.  And next week we will lay two more, and the week after that...only one will remain standing.  That person will be able to piss on 9 graves.  Hell, if I was in this league, you could keep the money and just let me piss on all the sorry ass losers.



Rochester Spinning Cosmos -

We should have known this team was doomed from the start.  As many of you may have realized by now, the "Cosmo" in Spinning Cosmos, refers to Coach Cozine's awesome pooch.  While I am never one to fault another man's love for his pet, it was quite contradictory to retain Michael Vick on the roster.  Since Vick is, of course, the most renowned dog killer on the planet.  Kind of fucked, wouldn't you say?  In the end though, this team died of injuries.  Losing Vick, McFadden, and Jordy Nelson during the final stretch of the season, slit this teams throat.  Then of course there was the INSANE over-pursuit of Eric Decker.  The Cosmos took Decker with their 2nd overall pick this year, passing on guys like Julio Jones, Jordy Nelson, and DeMariyus Thomas.  In the end, Nelson still landed in Rochester, but for the 2nd straight season the Rochester franchise made the biggest blunder in the draft.  Did that cause their downfall?  Doubtful.  The real truth is, like all space matter, a Spinning Cosmos can only spin for so long...before it is consumed by a black hole or some other freaky space entity...like a death star or some shit like that.  And a dog mascot and Michael Vick can only co-exist for so long before one of them has to go.  For Cosmo's sake, we here at WWSW are thrilled Vick went down first.  Personally, Burt Reynolds thinks that the team busted their nut too soon.  Got off to the hottest start in the league, then ran out of boner juice. 

Whether or not the Spinning Cosmos banner will continue into 2013, remains to be seen.  But you would think that with the success they enjoyed...why wouldn't they make Smokey and the Bandit 2 another run under the Space Pooch banner.  Coach Cozine remains one of the most private coaches in the league, let us hope that he finds his inner Harbaugh Brothers "go fuck yourself" attitude next time around.  But most likely, he will spend the off-season backpacking through Tibet learning to channel his inner turmoil into wicker baskets.  Queer.  

Let us all raise our legs, and piss this season a fond farewell.  Until Cosmo rides again in Smokey and the Bandit 2 2013.


Madison Banana Hammocks: 

It is never easy to lose a coach.  Many of us remember Davy Jones for his locker, or even that terrible "Sleepy Dean" song, but so few of us remember what a terrible coach he was.  When I say terrible coach, I mean in record only.  Jones was loved by his players and organization and it was such a tragedy to lose him before this season.  So, imagine my surprise when my buddy Satan sent his only son, a Mr. Pibb can, to coach the Banana Hammocks.  It was the only hope this team had, not to mention that it was the only hope Adrian Peterson had of recovering from tearing his knee in half.  But give management credit, Demon Pibb got the job done.  After a terrible start to the season, the Hammocks rattled off 5 straight wins to clinch a playoff spot.  The only true problem this team faced was at the QB position, which is something I know a lot about.  I was the original star of 'The Longest Yard', and for the record: I am a much better QB than Adam Sandler and I lobbied for the Banana Hammocks starting job.  Sadly for me Carson Palmer was in deeper with the red man downstairs, so...such is life I guess. 

The Hammocks took a huge step forward as a franchise this year, they just needed to have a better draft.  Truth is, demon soda does not have the experience that a person does.  And in Ol' Burt's opinion, this team doomed themselves before the season even started.  But considering the tragedy they had to overcome and the constant parades held by their cross-town rivals (and reigning champs) the Scrotum Smashers, not a bad season.  Of course, you never want it to end at the hands of a giant black dildo dressed like a Leprechaun, but it could have been worse...and has. 

Let us draw pentagrams on the floor and drink the blood of a virgin, as we banish this evil back to the perpetual flaming oblivion it came from...Arkansas.  Good night dark prince, may your delicious carbonated flavor flow for your minions for Millennia to come.

In Memoriam...2012 Regular Season

article by: Burt Reynolds

It is never easy to lose a friend, but it can be pretty funny.  As is tradition, we will lay to rest all of our fallen brothers as the postseason shit show progresses. 

Hi, my name is Burt Reynolds and I hate each and every one of your shit sandwiches.  You may have seen me in movies...

Anyway, I took time out of my schedule (which is full of Smokey and the Bandit t-shirt/poster signings) to put together some fond farewells for the worst teams of 2012.  They may not be pretty, polite, or tasteful...but based off the crap this site puts out, I don't reckon anyone will give a flying squirrels yellow discharge.  So, here are some dead dudes.

Affirmative Blacktion:

What can be said about this team, that hasn't already been said about the 2008 Detroit Lions.  If they didn't have bad luck, they would have been raped in a shower by a donkey dressed as Richard Nixon.  Everything that could have gone wrong, went wrong, and then shit on itself.  To only win one game in the regular season, defies the odds.  Perhaps playing in an open dome stadium in the heart of the Alaskan tundra, just turned his team into gay FFB snow hermits.  In a way, this team was always doomed, Philip Rivers and Ben Roethlisberger never had a chance.  Rivers had too much to cry about and Ben had too many ugly whores to rape in public shitters.  Ray Rice and Larry Fitzgerald were excellent choices on paper, but never lived up to their performances of seasons past.  The rest of the 2012 Affie Blackies, were a disgusting hodge-podge of rancid garbage.  Perhaps it is best that we lay this team to it's final resting place.  But, like last years two worst teams, there is hope for a resurrection.  Coach Craig is one of the most beloved coaches in the league, but he will need to amp up his dickery if he wants to resurrect his franchise.  However, this is a particularly sad obituary because it marks the end of the Affirmative Blacktion banner.  So let us raise our 40's of Old English...and pour some out for our homies.  

Waukesha Claymakers: 

This team was the type of fecal puzzle that would make Sherlock Holmes puke up his esophagus.  On paper, there was no doubt that this team should be a demolishing force in the Fantasy Football realm.  Aaron Rodgers, Vincent Jackson, DeMariyus Thomas, Randall Cobb, Stephen Jackson, Mike Wallace, and of course Mark Sanchez....errr, I mean Alex Smith, nope that can't be right either...how about Christian Ponder.  Ok, now I see the problem.  This team suffered from an undescended second QB.  Of the three options not named Rodgers, you can't hope for prolonged fantasy success.  Plus there were rumors all season that Commissioner Kinzie put out a hit on the Claymakers.  For the 2nd season in a row, Coach Blake refused to pay his dues and that did not sit well with the Ginger Overlord.  While I suspect many will speculate for years to come, I also suspect that no one will give two shits since no one has heard from Blake since the last time he was publicly lashed for non-payment.  Should dues not be paid, you can bet that his new team banner will be something tasteless, rude, and in all likelihood hurtful.  Let us all raise our glasses of air (because if there was no money for dues...there was no money for booze at this ceremony) and sip nothing...in their memory.  


Madison Scrotum Smashers:

The reigning Ryan Leaf Champs, reverted back to their 2010 form.  It did not help their cause, that the team was drafted by a Russian circus monkey.  There also should have been some sort of ban on parades, since after the RLC Trophy made it to Madison...there was a parade held every day until they were eliminated from playoff contention.  Maybe if they would have spent less money on gay ass floats and more money on talent, this season would not have sucked complete and total dick lips.  And these were not little pussy parades, it was like a fucking Mardi Gras parade 22 hours a day 7 days a week.  Coach Tyson actually employed full time parade participants.  Do you know how much money he spent on the floats that carried Madison's premiere prostitutes?  I don't know the exact number, but Dr. Cinnamon's dental practice is flourishing.  Cam Newton proved to be a disappointment in his 2nd season as a Crotch Kicker, while Jamaal Charles proved that he was worth keeping on IR through all of 2011 by having an MVP caliber return.  It seemed to me as if the team simply wanted to take some time off after their championship run, and no one will blame them for that...other than the fans, management, coaches, and everyone who is not a player.  The Smashers will still be able to retain the Ryan Leaf Trophy until next season starts, as is tradition.  In that case, let us fire up the marching band, light the Roman candles, get some midgets on their mini-scooters, and start the parade...one last time.


Lansing Clam Faces: 

This is the only team in the 2012 that I can say, left us too soon.  In the early part of the season, the Clams seemed a lock to make the post season.  Then some injuries happened and Coach Sweens got a little "Waiver-Wire Happy" and the team slowly lost its chemistry and flopped on the carpet like a goldfish you got sick of.  Something as simple as a win in Week 12, would have completely changed the Clam Faces fate.  It is so rare to be able and pinpoint the exact moment when someones life turns into a whirling dirbish of horse shit, but with this team...it is oh so simple.  Drew Brees was glorious as always and Andrew Luck was a very pleasant surprise.  Rob Gronkowski was solid when healthy, but down the stretch of the season he spent too much time getting his dick licked than catching passes.  During the final weeks of the season his lineup was scattered with unknown commodities like Bryce Brown, Danario Alexander, and Marcel Reese.  Even though the team may be gone, it's head coach is still alive and well...we suspect.  He was last spotted in the Appalachian wilderness, building a cabin out of logs with his bare hands.  It is believed he has taken to knitting his own clothes and whittling clams out of wood.  According to the Clam Faces front office, this is standard post-season procedure for their coach.  So, let us raise our cups of chowder and sprinkle some oyster crackers on there...then dump it on the floor.
 

2012 Wild Card Playoff Preview

article by: Morgan Freeman

On the gridiron, as in life, nothing is certain.  You wake up one day and are on the top of the heap, the very next day you could find yourself foraging through garbage bags for bread crust.  Such was the 2012 season in the West Wilson Street Revival League.  The two teams who found themselves sleeping under cardboard roofs in 2011, now find themselves in the hunt for our sports ultimate prize...The Ryan Leaf Memorial Trophy. 

This weekend, we will be without our two division winners.  The Philadelphia Butt Pirates found a way to secure their 3rd consecutive Eastern Division Title, whilst the Sandusky Disciples won their final 5 games to overcome the Rochester Spinning Cosmos and hoist the Western Division crown.

In the final week of the season, there was a match-up that made Hulk Hogan look like Richard Simmons.  The Kenosha Fighting Dildos, lead by fearless silver fox Louis Olsen Sr. III took to the field to dismantle the Lansing Clam Faces and Capt. Brian Tiberius Sweeney.  When all was said and done, and only 75 fans were killed in the post game riots, the Dildos walked away with victory...and a ticket into the greatest tournament known to about 17 people.

This weekend, we will be fortunate enough to watch two teams quest come to an end, and two others carry their banner onward.  Who will march forward?  Who will cry themselves to sleep on their Scooby-Doo pillow cases?  That is what I am here for.  To help you better understand these four possible Ryan Leaf Champions and the taint saturating pressure they face.

Kenosha Fighting Dildos vs. Madison Banana Hammocks

One team has earned its place in this game by entrusting it's well being to a can of Satan soda pop.  The other team is here because it fought through the blistering power of the Clam Face.  Their season series was a draw, with each team winning once.

The Fighting Dildos are already in playoff mode.  Last weekend, they proved that they had the testicular fortitude and their coach had the gray pubes to lead them through any obstacle thrown their way.  This team is lead by the brothers Manning, and the WR duo of Brandon Marshall and Victor Cruz.  What will truly determine the postseason fate of Kenosha's favorite sex toys, will be the production from RB's Chris Johnson and DeMarco Murray.  Murray is the real  wild card in this game.  If he can produce like he did prior to his injury, this could be one of the finest waiver pick ups in the history of this storied league.  The biggest obstacle for the Dildos is themselves.  Many of their losses and shortcomings this season were self-inflicted.  In this match-up, I think that Dildo on Dildo violence could be what decides this game. 

Meanwhile, the home team, has brought Madison it's second consecutive playoff berth (The Srotum Smashers delivered the Ryan Leaf Trophy in 2011).  And you better believe that "Mad-Town" is hungry for more parades.  This team also has added incentive, losing former coach and General Manager Davy Jones this past off-season.  In a surprise move, the team hired a demonically possessed un-opened Mr. Pibb soda can to coach the team.  A move that was initially mocked by the league and writers on this illustrious site.  In hindsight, the move has put the Banana Hammocks in position to reach the summit of Ryan Leaf mountain.  This WR core is the strongest in the league, by far: Hakeem Nicks, AJ Green, Dez Bryant, and Tony Gonzalez at TE.  Where this team should be concerned, QB and RB; Carson Palmer, Colin Kaepernick, and Michael Turner.  They do however possess (pun intended) Adrian Peterson, who has benefited greatly from Satan's knee replacement juice.  If the Hammocks want to win this game, they will need their QB's to stay in range of the Manning boys.  It is really as simple as that.  Beat the Mannings and you beat the Dildos.

ESPN Projection: Dildos 191  vs  Hammocks 176
Morgan Freeman Projection: Hammocks upset the favored Dildos 158 - 149

K-Town Bootleggers vs. Rochester Spinning Cosmos

During the regular season, the Cosmos won both match ups by a combined 38.5 points.  In my estimation, that puts all of the pressure on the Cosmos.  To defeat a division opponent twice in a season is a daunting task, defeating them three times...well that is an act of me (see Bruce Almighty and Evan Almighty...on second thought, just see Bruce Almighty). 

The Bootleggers did not have the type of season they were hoping for.  Skipper Nick Lightning, had hoped to retain their Western Division title from 2011.  The best laid plans of mice and men often go astray.  The Booties season was stuffed with peril, like a turkey or an Easter Island conga line.  Mostly due to injuries.  In fact, aside from his QB's and Calvin Johnson almost every player on his roster has missed at least one game due to injury.  Currently, franchise star LeSean McCoy sits on the shelf for this weeks game.  Luckily, the core of this team was strong enough to fend off the reigning champs for the final playoff spot in the West.  If the Bootleggers want to defeat the Cosmos this weekend, they need consistency from top to power bottom.  Having one player score 20 points and another score 4 will not be enough to cast off the shackles that Coach Cozine and company have placed on the Moonshiners in 2012.  But with Calvin Johnson on your roster, you can never count out a 40 point outburst. And those types of performances are much more in Coach Lightnings favor, than his counterparts. 

Just five weeks ago, it would have been impossible to fathom that the city of Rochester would be gearing up for a game this weekend.  With 5 weeks to go and a 4 game lead in the division, it was as good as theirs...but things change.  Over the past few weeks, the Spinning Cosmos have lost some of their rotation.  In the past 3 weeks, the Cosmos are 1-2 with their only win coming in a .1 point victory over the 1-12 Affirmative Blacktion.  In order for the Cosmos season to not end in a big pool of bitter cunt juice, they need Tony Romo and Joe Flacco to play up to their potential.  The RB situation is a lost cause, with BJGE and Shonne Greene as your starters.  Eric Decker, Reggie Wayne, and Lance Moore are really the best thing the Cosmos have going for them right now.  While Decker has disappointed since being picked in the 2nd round of this years draft, he still has a strong upside.  The Cosmos also have very serious injury issues; Michael Vick, Darren McFadden, and Jordy Nelson are all out for this weekends game.  If the Cosmos want any chance of winning this game, it will come down to Tony Romo and a surprise from one of his RB's...otherwise I fear Rochester will be soaked in disgusting cunt juice. 

ESPN Projection: Bootleggers 186 vs. Cosmos 155
Morgan Freeman Projection: Bootleggers overcome their injuries to win 172 - 141


Be sure to check back closer to the weekend, as we bury our dead.  Obituaries for the 4 teams without a meaningful game left to play this season, will be posted in the coming days.  You won't want to miss it, unless you are dead.