In Memoriam: 1st Round of Playoffs

Burt is back baby!!  Bet you thought I was too good to come back fro a 2nd week in a row?  Bet you thought I had better things to do?  Guess again honkeys!!

This week we lay two of your friends to rest.  And next week we will lay two more, and the week after that...only one will remain standing.  That person will be able to piss on 9 graves.  Hell, if I was in this league, you could keep the money and just let me piss on all the sorry ass losers.



Rochester Spinning Cosmos -

We should have known this team was doomed from the start.  As many of you may have realized by now, the "Cosmo" in Spinning Cosmos, refers to Coach Cozine's awesome pooch.  While I am never one to fault another man's love for his pet, it was quite contradictory to retain Michael Vick on the roster.  Since Vick is, of course, the most renowned dog killer on the planet.  Kind of fucked, wouldn't you say?  In the end though, this team died of injuries.  Losing Vick, McFadden, and Jordy Nelson during the final stretch of the season, slit this teams throat.  Then of course there was the INSANE over-pursuit of Eric Decker.  The Cosmos took Decker with their 2nd overall pick this year, passing on guys like Julio Jones, Jordy Nelson, and DeMariyus Thomas.  In the end, Nelson still landed in Rochester, but for the 2nd straight season the Rochester franchise made the biggest blunder in the draft.  Did that cause their downfall?  Doubtful.  The real truth is, like all space matter, a Spinning Cosmos can only spin for so long...before it is consumed by a black hole or some other freaky space entity...like a death star or some shit like that.  And a dog mascot and Michael Vick can only co-exist for so long before one of them has to go.  For Cosmo's sake, we here at WWSW are thrilled Vick went down first.  Personally, Burt Reynolds thinks that the team busted their nut too soon.  Got off to the hottest start in the league, then ran out of boner juice. 

Whether or not the Spinning Cosmos banner will continue into 2013, remains to be seen.  But you would think that with the success they enjoyed...why wouldn't they make Smokey and the Bandit 2 another run under the Space Pooch banner.  Coach Cozine remains one of the most private coaches in the league, let us hope that he finds his inner Harbaugh Brothers "go fuck yourself" attitude next time around.  But most likely, he will spend the off-season backpacking through Tibet learning to channel his inner turmoil into wicker baskets.  Queer.  

Let us all raise our legs, and piss this season a fond farewell.  Until Cosmo rides again in Smokey and the Bandit 2 2013.


Madison Banana Hammocks: 

It is never easy to lose a coach.  Many of us remember Davy Jones for his locker, or even that terrible "Sleepy Dean" song, but so few of us remember what a terrible coach he was.  When I say terrible coach, I mean in record only.  Jones was loved by his players and organization and it was such a tragedy to lose him before this season.  So, imagine my surprise when my buddy Satan sent his only son, a Mr. Pibb can, to coach the Banana Hammocks.  It was the only hope this team had, not to mention that it was the only hope Adrian Peterson had of recovering from tearing his knee in half.  But give management credit, Demon Pibb got the job done.  After a terrible start to the season, the Hammocks rattled off 5 straight wins to clinch a playoff spot.  The only true problem this team faced was at the QB position, which is something I know a lot about.  I was the original star of 'The Longest Yard', and for the record: I am a much better QB than Adam Sandler and I lobbied for the Banana Hammocks starting job.  Sadly for me Carson Palmer was in deeper with the red man downstairs, so...such is life I guess. 

The Hammocks took a huge step forward as a franchise this year, they just needed to have a better draft.  Truth is, demon soda does not have the experience that a person does.  And in Ol' Burt's opinion, this team doomed themselves before the season even started.  But considering the tragedy they had to overcome and the constant parades held by their cross-town rivals (and reigning champs) the Scrotum Smashers, not a bad season.  Of course, you never want it to end at the hands of a giant black dildo dressed like a Leprechaun, but it could have been worse...and has. 

Let us draw pentagrams on the floor and drink the blood of a virgin, as we banish this evil back to the perpetual flaming oblivion it came from...Arkansas.  Good night dark prince, may your delicious carbonated flavor flow for your minions for Millennia to come.