article by: Burt Reynolds
Yeah!! You like that? You should, that is the ass of a handsome man. Well, two more of your buddies are dead and in the ground. The city of Kenosha is probably taking the day off of work to grieve. I mean both of your franchises eliminated on the same weekend...what a world.
Well, let's say goodbye. I got whores to fuck on my brand new leopard skin couch.
K-Town Bootleggers
You can never anticipate the end of your season. In many cases, things seem to be going your way...then everything pukes on its own shit, eats it and pukes up the puke shit. The Bootleggers season was ended by the hands of Ryan Tannehill, who was in for the injured RGIII. Having a season end this way is incomprehensible. It is like buying the last ticket for the Hindenburg, or watching 'The Sixth Sense' in the theater and figuring out Bruce Willis is dead 5 minutes in...you can't just leave, you paid full price for your ticket...sure you could sneak into another theater... The point is, the injury to RGIII seemed to be that sparkling piece of luck a team needs to advance in Fantasy Football, but on this day it was not meant to be. This is a team that should be buried with pride and prejudice. Everyone hates rednecks...yet we all willingly drink their swill without thinking twice. Disgusting.
The 2012 Bootleggers faced a similar problem to the 2011 Bootleggers: great strength at WR and RB, but middle of the road talent at the QB position. On this particular weekend, Josh Freeman really sucked the days dick (4 INT's and a fumble, for a total of 2pts). Matt Ryan was nothing, if not consistent this year (which is fucking boring if you ask me). These two QB's were then backed up by Brandon Weeden, arguably the 3rd worst QB in the league (behind Mark Sanchez and Tim Tebow). But that aside, this team was still able to make a playoff run and get within two TD's of going to the Ryan Leaf Championship Game. This proves that you can win in this league without top tier QB's, but the teams at the top this season both have a pair of Top 10 QB's.
As many of you know, I have a kinship with rednecks who make their own booze. I've played them in movies, persecuted them in movies, and hell I've even made my own moonshine in the Appalachian Mountains. Coach Lightning is without a doubt one of the best coaches when it comes to the skill positions, but if he wants to take the next step in 2013 he needs to bite the bullet and draft at least one QB who doesn't have extra labial folds. That was a vagina joke. And here comes a sodomy joke. I bet that when everyone decided to re-name the Tree Humpers after Sandusky, they never expected to get a special shower visit from King Pedophile himself. Death by shower rape...that's the way I want to go.
So, let us lift our jugs and spit out another rotted tooth. May they rest in a shallow grave, until the neighbor kid digs them up to have butt sex with their corpses...one last time.
Well, let's say goodbye. I got whores to fuck on my brand new leopard skin couch.
K-Town BootleggersYou can never anticipate the end of your season. In many cases, things seem to be going your way...then everything pukes on its own shit, eats it and pukes up the puke shit. The Bootleggers season was ended by the hands of Ryan Tannehill, who was in for the injured RGIII. Having a season end this way is incomprehensible. It is like buying the last ticket for the Hindenburg, or watching 'The Sixth Sense' in the theater and figuring out Bruce Willis is dead 5 minutes in...you can't just leave, you paid full price for your ticket...sure you could sneak into another theater... The point is, the injury to RGIII seemed to be that sparkling piece of luck a team needs to advance in Fantasy Football, but on this day it was not meant to be. This is a team that should be buried with pride and prejudice. Everyone hates rednecks...yet we all willingly drink their swill without thinking twice. Disgusting.
The 2012 Bootleggers faced a similar problem to the 2011 Bootleggers: great strength at WR and RB, but middle of the road talent at the QB position. On this particular weekend, Josh Freeman really sucked the days dick (4 INT's and a fumble, for a total of 2pts). Matt Ryan was nothing, if not consistent this year (which is fucking boring if you ask me). These two QB's were then backed up by Brandon Weeden, arguably the 3rd worst QB in the league (behind Mark Sanchez and Tim Tebow). But that aside, this team was still able to make a playoff run and get within two TD's of going to the Ryan Leaf Championship Game. This proves that you can win in this league without top tier QB's, but the teams at the top this season both have a pair of Top 10 QB's.
As many of you know, I have a kinship with rednecks who make their own booze. I've played them in movies, persecuted them in movies, and hell I've even made my own moonshine in the Appalachian Mountains. Coach Lightning is without a doubt one of the best coaches when it comes to the skill positions, but if he wants to take the next step in 2013 he needs to bite the bullet and draft at least one QB who doesn't have extra labial folds. That was a vagina joke. And here comes a sodomy joke. I bet that when everyone decided to re-name the Tree Humpers after Sandusky, they never expected to get a special shower visit from King Pedophile himself. Death by shower rape...that's the way I want to go.
So, let us lift our jugs and spit out another rotted tooth. May they rest in a shallow grave, until the neighbor kid digs them up to have butt sex with their corpses...one last time.
Kenosha Fightin' DildosThis team was the true Cinderella of this season. A team that was beyond terrible in 2011, bounced back to make a run at the title. They fought through two tough weeks, first besting the Clam Faces to win the final playoff spot and then rear-ended the Banana Hammocks last weekend in Madison. For their journey to come to an end is sad, but we should marvel in their accomplishments. Taking a huge risk in retaining Peyton Manning, when everyone said he was finished. Picking up virtual unknown Cecil Shorts, to help push this team into the playoff race. Drafting Brandon Marshall, the leading scorer among RB's and WR's in 2012. Truly, there is much to be proud of for this franchise in 2012.
Sadly, Eli Manning and Victor Cruz decided to take the week off. Look no further than that for why Cinderella slipped on dog shit on her way out of the ball and fell down 78 flights of stairs to her mangled, dog shit covered, death. Eli Manning played like Mark Sanchez and Tim Tebow's love child. He only completed 13 passes and threw 2 INT's with no TD's (2.4 pts). Since he only completed 3 passes, that meant Victor Cruz only caught 3 balls for 15 yards (4.5 pts). When two of your biggest fantasy stars can't even combine for 7 points...you deserve to be dead and covered in dog shit. Even if they only combine for 20 points, at least the Dildos would have had a chance. This was the biggest game in the history of this franchise and two of the faces of the franchise, pulled out their wangs and jerked it all over their own fan base.
In our sport, they say a coach losses his edge as he gets older, but as an old bastard myself...I think this old dog is about to fuck himself some new tricks in 2013. And look, we all love an aggressive Dildo. That is why it is so sad to see this team put to rest. The good news for them is, they won their money back and have won the right to name their own team for next year. Me personally, after the season Coach Olsen Sr. just put together...I would keep the Fightin' Dildos banner.
Everyone raise your glasses of Metamucil, put 'Murder, She Wrote' on, turn on the subtitles, and take out your hearing aids. Every Dildo dies...but not every Dildo truly lives
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