foreward by: Lou Olsen
Guys, before we get into the preview I have a quick anouncement. Even though none of you will probably give a shit, this is the 100th article on this blog and earlier this week we surpassed 100,000 views. That is not a type-o...100,000 views. Either you guys are wasting a ton of time at work, or thanks to our constant abuse of celebrities we pop up in weird search engines. Either way, it is kind of cool. Once again I would like to thank Brian Sweeney for his work and dedication to this non-sense. Even though right now he hates fantasy football and all of us, I know next year he will come back with a vengance. Now, I will hand it off to Morgan Freeman.
The quest for Ryan Leaf Glory, has reached another stepping stone. In a field that began with 10 competitors for the sports ultimate prize, we now find ourselves with only 4 potential outcomes. On one end, a battle between brothers from another mother. The other, a Ginger on a mission against an old man who's internal clock is ticking. No matter how you slice it, there is a 75% chance that a member of the Olsen clan walks away with the immortal Ryan Leaf action figure. If you said you saw that coming right after the draft, you are a liar and deserve to be skinned alive while being forced to listen to Taylor Swift albums.
At this point in the season, there are no more losers, only winners...who lose. Both of the #2 seeds in each division was eliminted by the #3 seed respectively. To lose at this level is deflating, but not the end. Only one of these 4 teams will truly walk away empty handed, so the battle to not be #4 begins now.
At this point in the season, there are no more losers, only winners...who lose. Both of the #2 seeds in each division was eliminted by the #3 seed respectively. To lose at this level is deflating, but not the end. Only one of these 4 teams will truly walk away empty handed, so the battle to not be #4 begins now.
K-Town Bootleggers vs. Sandusky Disciples
Brothers. Websters Dictionary defines it as: two dudes who share a mother or father. Coach Nicholas Gregory Jonathan Micheal Harrington Lightning and Coach Louis Charles Zanzibar Olsen Jr. IV, do not share either. Coach Lightning is married to Lil' Coach Olsen's sister, thus their brotherhood is cemented. There will be no love lost on the playing field this weekend however. These two have a strong bond off the field that will not be broken easily...unless of course Coach Olsen loses and goes over to his brothers house and eggs it...TP's it...dumps bleach on the front lawn...lights a cross on fire in his front yard...and uses paint thinner to draw a giant penis on the hood of his car. That might do it. But I have no way of knowing if that will happen or not.
These two teams are very evenly matched. I can only see one true wild card in this game, and that is the status of RGIII, the rookie superstar of the Disciples. Should he play, this game sways in favor of the shower power kids. But should RGIII not play, I believe that the Ryan Leaf Trophy will not be showering in any boys locker rooms this season. And if there is one thing I know about bootlegging, it ain't over until you get arrested. Kidnapping RGIII would not be the worst strategy in the world for coach Lightning and his band of misfit hillbillies.
It is always tough to preview these games because we already know so much about these two teams. They have been dissected, over- analyzed, and cavity searched. So why am I wasting so much time talking about them, when I could be narrating a documentary on the life of the horn-dicked weasel of central Malaysia? Because football is our life-blood. It is what we live and die for on a weekly basis. I love football, more than I love weasels who have horns for dicks. That is why I am here today. These two teams do not need my help, they will be just fine. Tune in this weekend to see who will take home the Eastern Alliance Title - Deciding Integral Championship Konsideration or the EAT-DICK Trophy.
ESPN Projection - Bootleggers - 175 vs. Disciples - 176
Morgan Freeman Prediction - The hottest team in the league doesn't run out of steam just yet, Disciples win 168.4 to 159.8
These two teams are very evenly matched. I can only see one true wild card in this game, and that is the status of RGIII, the rookie superstar of the Disciples. Should he play, this game sways in favor of the shower power kids. But should RGIII not play, I believe that the Ryan Leaf Trophy will not be showering in any boys locker rooms this season. And if there is one thing I know about bootlegging, it ain't over until you get arrested. Kidnapping RGIII would not be the worst strategy in the world for coach Lightning and his band of misfit hillbillies.
It is always tough to preview these games because we already know so much about these two teams. They have been dissected, over- analyzed, and cavity searched. So why am I wasting so much time talking about them, when I could be narrating a documentary on the life of the horn-dicked weasel of central Malaysia? Because football is our life-blood. It is what we live and die for on a weekly basis. I love football, more than I love weasels who have horns for dicks. That is why I am here today. These two teams do not need my help, they will be just fine. Tune in this weekend to see who will take home the Eastern Alliance Title - Deciding Integral Championship Konsideration or the EAT-DICK Trophy.
ESPN Projection - Bootleggers - 175 vs. Disciples - 176
Morgan Freeman Prediction - The hottest team in the league doesn't run out of steam just yet, Disciples win 168.4 to 159.8
Kenosha Fightin' Dildos vs. Philadelphia Butt Pirates
The Dildos snuck into the playoffs on the last day of the regular season and have been in playoff mode for the past two weekends, winning both times. Meanwhile the Butt Pirates have been lying dormant and have not played a meaningful game since they won a shootout with the Sandusky Disciples in Week 8. To the untrained eye, this would look to be in the favor of the Fightin' Dildos, but Morgan Freeman has a trained eye...and he believes otherwise.
There is something to be said for a coach who is notoriously ginger. People say they have no souls. Cats say...they have no souls. What is to stop a man who does not have the moral compass to stop himself? Perhaps a giant black dildo in the eye, but there is no way to be sure.
Both coaches have abandoned the 3 WR and 2 RB combo, in favor of 2 WR and 3 RB attacks. Despite the fact that both coaches relied on the 3 WR system, they both have decided to play the match ups they have been dealt. For the Dildos we will see; DeMarco Murray, Reggie Bush, and Chris Johnson. For the Fanny Bandits; Alfred Morris, Knowshon Moreno, and Matt Forte. This will be the grouping to watch for and in my estimation will be the deciding factor of this game.
Coach Louis George Zanzibar Olsen III (or LGZOIII) has made this particular old fart a believer in the power of the elderly. Last season, Big Lou watched helplessly as his team floundered into last place securing the 1st overall pick in the draft. Wisely he used that pick to draft Eli Manning, creating the most feared QB duo in the league. Meanwhile Coach Charles Ginger Rogers Kinzie is a 3-time division champ, but has never hoisted the ultimate piece of hardware. This off-season, he unloaded Matt Stafford in order to build the ultimate Fantasy wrecking crew. Two wonderful stories, but like all stories (accept Disney stories) someones is about to have a Titanic ending. Only one can win the Western Alliance for Championship Konsideration - Institution Trophy, or the WACK-IT.
ESPN Projection - Dildos 174 vs. Butt Pirates 170
Morgan Freeman's Projection - The Dildos are the feel good story of the year, but theirFaggy Fairy Tale ends here. Pirates move to the title game, 169.2 - 162.3.
There is something to be said for a coach who is notoriously ginger. People say they have no souls. Cats say...they have no souls. What is to stop a man who does not have the moral compass to stop himself? Perhaps a giant black dildo in the eye, but there is no way to be sure.
Both coaches have abandoned the 3 WR and 2 RB combo, in favor of 2 WR and 3 RB attacks. Despite the fact that both coaches relied on the 3 WR system, they both have decided to play the match ups they have been dealt. For the Dildos we will see; DeMarco Murray, Reggie Bush, and Chris Johnson. For the Fanny Bandits; Alfred Morris, Knowshon Moreno, and Matt Forte. This will be the grouping to watch for and in my estimation will be the deciding factor of this game.
Coach Louis George Zanzibar Olsen III (or LGZOIII) has made this particular old fart a believer in the power of the elderly. Last season, Big Lou watched helplessly as his team floundered into last place securing the 1st overall pick in the draft. Wisely he used that pick to draft Eli Manning, creating the most feared QB duo in the league. Meanwhile Coach Charles Ginger Rogers Kinzie is a 3-time division champ, but has never hoisted the ultimate piece of hardware. This off-season, he unloaded Matt Stafford in order to build the ultimate Fantasy wrecking crew. Two wonderful stories, but like all stories (accept Disney stories) someones is about to have a Titanic ending. Only one can win the Western Alliance for Championship Konsideration - Institution Trophy, or the WACK-IT.
ESPN Projection - Dildos 174 vs. Butt Pirates 170
Morgan Freeman's Projection - The Dildos are the feel good story of the year, but their
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