A Championship Interview of Thrones

Listen up, jerks. We're about to have at least one new overlord. The other will be a division overlord, but likely he'll be as bitter and terrible as the next. It's time to get to know your new rulers, so that you can enter their good graces. Judging by this interview, the only thing they can agree on is a desire to enter our collective love holes. Enjoy the show this Sunday, my fellow sodomites, and have a great secular series of days off.

 

1. Why are you in the Championship ahead of everyone else?

Chuck: My game plan coming into this year was draft for points and not draft based on perceived talent, "big-name talent," or "home run hitting" ability. After all, scoring more points than your opponent wins games. Trading up to get two first round picks and Graham also helped. I was able to withstand injuries and cost into the playoffs with a first round bye.

Lou: This year I think I made it because of my draft.  My primary starting lineup has remained healthy and unchanged.  My QBs, WRs, and RBs have not changed since the day of the draft.  They have all remained healthy and performed at the level I hoped they would.  The only difference in my team from September until now is TE, D/ST, and K.  So to make a long winded answer shorter, I got really fucking lucky.

 

2. Who got the luckiest this year? The unluckiest? In fantasy football, I mean.

Chuck: In my opinion, Lou is the luckiest. Drafting two rookies in RGIII and Martin, both of which ended up as #6 and #3 in points at their respective positions was a big risk and it paid off. He also rattled off five straight wins to squeak into the first round bye thanks to the aforementioned rookies and a cosmic implosion. The unluckiest is Craig, whom I'm not sure is even aware he is in the league at this point. 1-12? I look forward to seeing the proposed names for next year. The Alaskan Bear Boners? Just "Sarah Palin"?

 

Lou: I think that Dan Cozine was the luckiest for the first 10 weeks of the season, but in the end his team showed everyone that they were the steamy pile of soggy dog turds we all thought they would be.  The unluckiest was probably a 3-way tie between my dad (Dildos), Nick (Bootleggers), and  Sweens (Clam).  Those three teams just seemed to have the weirdest strokes of terrible luck.  Whether it was Cam Newton blowing the Clams up, or having unbelievable amounts of points scored against them, or keeping guys on the bench who score 35 points on a given week.  Since I studied the league all year, all three of those teams had equally craptastic luck.  It is too difficult to pick one of those unlucky fucks.   

3. What will you do with the money if you win?

Chuck: Brew a victory pale ale. Then, who knows...

Lou: Get it all made into singles, then make it rain in my living room.  That's something rappers still do right?  Make it rain?  No, just kidding I am white.  Probably spend it at Pier 1 Imports.  That's something white people do right? Pier 1 Imports?  Fuck it, I am going to blow it on [oregano] and booze. 

4. Why can't Blake pay his dues?

Chuck: Like Craig, I think he sometimes forgets he is in the league. After last year's Blakegate, we had Blakegate II this year. He managed to pay dues before the playoff week 1 kickoff. WTF?

Lou: [Ed. note - Louballs was unaware that Blake had paid in before the playoffs began... barely] Don't fucking know, don't fucking care.  I have never met Blake or even so much as got an e-mail from the guy.  During the first two seasons of the league, I tried to get him to do an interview and he did not even so much as send me a reply with the word "No" on it.  So he can eat a hearty bag of herpes riddled dicks.  He's Chuck's problem...unless I win.  Then he is my problem.  So pay your fucking dues deadbeat.  I know you have a job.  Just pay the Ginger so we can make fun of you for something else.  The racist in me wants to make a black joke, but the logical person in me says that not all black people refuse to pay their bills.  Either way, go sell some crack or something, get your $50 and pay the Ginger already.  This is the last week of the season you giant circumcised clit.  Get your shit together. Fuck.

 

5. What do you think about the new loser/draft pick bracket system? Craig had a terrible season, and now has fourth draft pick.

Chuck: I was hoping to maintain the competitive spirit of the playoffs for those in the "losers bracket". To some degree it succeed. In Craig's case, epic FAIL.

Lou: Well, personally I love it.  Because last year I finished the season with the worst regular season record, but then won all 3 of my "boner bracket" games...which gave me an 8-8 record overall.  Then I still got re-named!!  So, while this new strategy is slightly unfair to Tyson and Cheap-ass Blake, they should have tried to win games once the regular season was over.  And on a side note, I made it to the Championship this year without a 1st round pick at all.  So Craig, it's not about where you pick, it's about what you do with that pick.

6. Who is this league's Taco? If you don't know what that means, explain why you haven't started watching "The League" yet.

Chuck: Clam faces = pink tacos. Don't watch, like Lou. Might have something to do with the fact that he and I are in the championship. Thus, I shall never watch it. Taco? Burrito Supreme? Cinnamon twists?

Lou: Never watched "The League", so...I have never watched it because I play fantasy football and there is no need to watch other people play fantasy football, regardless of how hilarious it may be.  Plus, I have better things to do...like watch documentaries on why the ginger gene may be extinct in 100 years.  Since I have no idea what a taco is, I will just guess that....Davy is a taco?

7. This year we had 29 matches decided by 15 points or less. Are we all very skilled? Idiots? What's happening to us?

Chuck: That means we had 36 matches decided by more than 15 points. More wins by a large margin of victory than a small margin. Granted, there was a 0.1 point margin in one game. Closer than an infant's shaved bottom. There was some disparity in skill, talent, cojones, whatever, between the teams managed by those not named Blake and Craig, the league cupcakes.

Lou: I think that because of the format and scoring, every game is going to be competitive for the most part.  Occasionally there will be total blowouts, but we saw so many painfully close games.  In particular, Dan and Craig's 0.1 point affair a few weeks back.  I think this is a sign that everyone is getting better at putting competitive rosters on the imaginary field each week.  Plus, the fformat we play lends itself to higher scoring affairs week in and week out.  We essentially opened Pandora's Virginity and now she is slutting it up all over town.  It makes for great blog material though.

8. What injury changed the outcome of this season the most?

 

Chuck: Dan put all of his egg's in one basket this year: the high-risk-high-reward basket, and it bit him square in the keister. Vick, McFadden, and Nelson to a lesser extent. Not to mention passing on superior point producers in the draft to take in very own Decker.

Lou: I would say Dan's big 3, Michael Vick, Darren McFadden, and Jordy Nelson.  All three of those guys went down during the 2nd half of the season, which is when the Cosmos self-destructed.  I don't think that was a coincidence.  Granted, his team was weak with those guys anyway, but then he had to trust guys like Eric Decker and Fudge Packer MacGoo (Tony Romo) to carry his team.  Without those injuries, I would not have won the division.  That is a fact.  But I still would have owned him the playoffs.  That is more opinion than fact.   

9. Who was the best waiver pickup of the year?

Chuck: Alfred Morris. Saved my season after Roy Helu went down.

Lou: Well, I liked my old man picking up Cecil Shorts, that was an amazing grab.  Guy came out of nowhere to average about 18 points per week when the old man needed to make a serious run.  But the BEST waiver pick-up was Alfred Morris, hands down.  Chuck grabbed him right after week one and road his beefy thighs all the way to the title game.  Who knew that this unknown rookie would be the 3rd leading rusher in the NFL and a Top 10 fantasy back?  Obviously the off-spring of Satan did.  Well played Gingervitis! 

10. Offer your choice for each last-place team's shitty name for next year

Chuck: FYI, Craig and Blake were in last place in their divisions at regular season's end. Tyson earned the 2nd pick via the draft pick playoff, not the honor of having his team renamed.

Craig - see question 2 or Dirty Sanchez.

Blake - I'm partial to Taint Polishers.

Lou: Well, I have posted so many on the message board, but I have a favorite for each team.  I love the Alaska Shit Suckers and the Waukesha Power Bottoms.  I would also really enjoy naming a team the Ketchikan/Waukesha Hitler Youth's.  But like with my team name, maybe a football scandal will arise and we can publicly humiliate someone all the way to the Championship game.

11. Do last year's losers get to change their team names back to whatever they want this year?

Chuck: Yes. They responded and turned their teams around.

Lou: That was my understanding.  So I intend to change my name to something a little less child rapey.  But I think my Dad should stick with the Fightin' Dildos.  I always kind of liked that name.  Kind of scary and way better than his old team name...which I think had some sort of diarrhea reference?  Right now I am leaning towards the Emu's of Doom, or the Atomic Ass-Hats. 

12. What is your new year's fantasy resolution?

Chuck: Get Blake's dues before the 2013 season draft.

Lou: Never use a high draft pick to take a D/ST or K.  Those will always be my final two picks, because this year taught me that I can have a different one each week and it doesn't make a hobo's dick worth of difference. 

13. What got you to the championship, coaching decisionmaking-wise?

Chuck: Waiver pickups. Grabbing the RB fill-ins Morris and Moreno helped maintain RB depth.

Lou: The draft.  The moment that it was over, I remember talking to Charlie, my Dad, and Nick.  We all went over our teams and I realized that I got every player I wanted, without a 1st round pick.  I am here because I had a draft plan and stuck too it...oh yeah, and drafting RGIII did not hurt either.  That guy fucking kicks ass. 

14. I hate you guys.

Chuck: Gay sex? I'll bring the lube.

Lou: If by hate, you mean "want to have gay sex with," then I accept your...hate.