It is never easy to lose a friend, but it can be pretty funny. As is tradition, we will lay to rest all of our fallen brothers as the postseason shit show progresses.
Hi, my name is Burt Reynolds and I hate each and every one of your shit sandwiches. You may have seen me in movies...
Anyway, I took time out of my schedule (which is full of Smokey and the Bandit t-shirt/poster signings) to put together some fond farewells for the worst teams of 2012. They may not be pretty, polite, or tasteful...but based off the crap this site puts out, I don't reckon anyone will give a flying squirrels yellow discharge. So, here are some dead dudes.
What can be said about this team, that hasn't already been said about the 2008 Detroit Lions. If they didn't have bad luck, they would have been raped in a shower by a donkey dressed as Richard Nixon. Everything that could have gone wrong, went wrong, and then shit on itself. To only win one game in the regular season, defies the odds. Perhaps playing in an open dome stadium in the heart of the Alaskan tundra, just turned his team into gay FFB snow hermits. In a way, this team was always doomed, Philip Rivers and Ben Roethlisberger never had a chance. Rivers had too much to cry about and Ben had too many ugly whores to rape in public shitters. Ray Rice and Larry Fitzgerald were excellent choices on paper, but never lived up to their performances of seasons past. The rest of the 2012 Affie Blackies, were a disgusting hodge-podge of rancid garbage. Perhaps it is best that we lay this team to it's final resting place. But, like last years two worst teams, there is hope for a resurrection. Coach Craig is one of the most beloved coaches in the league, but he will need to amp up his dickery if he wants to resurrect his franchise. However, this is a particularly sad obituary because it marks the end of the Affirmative Blacktion banner. So let us raise our 40's of Old English...and pour some out for our homies.
This team was the type of fecal puzzle that would make Sherlock Holmes puke up his esophagus. On paper, there was no doubt that this team should be a demolishing force in the Fantasy Football realm. Aaron Rodgers, Vincent Jackson, DeMariyus Thomas, Randall Cobb, Stephen Jackson, Mike Wallace, and of course Mark Sanchez....errr, I mean Alex Smith, nope that can't be right either...how about Christian Ponder. Ok, now I see the problem. This team suffered from an undescended second QB. Of the three options not named Rodgers, you can't hope for prolonged fantasy success. Plus there were rumors all season that Commissioner Kinzie put out a hit on the Claymakers. For the 2nd season in a row, Coach Blake refused to pay his dues and that did not sit well with the Ginger Overlord. While I suspect many will speculate for years to come, I also suspect that no one will give two shits since no one has heard from Blake since the last time he was publicly lashed for non-payment. Should dues not be paid, you can bet that his new team banner will be something tasteless, rude, and in all likelihood hurtful. Let us all raise our glasses of air (because if there was no money for dues...there was no money for booze at this ceremony) and sip nothing...in their memory.
Madison Scrotum Smashers:
The reigning Ryan Leaf Champs, reverted back to their 2010 form. It did not help their cause, that the team was drafted by a Russian circus monkey. There also should have been some sort of ban on parades, since after the RLC Trophy made it to Madison...there was a parade held every day until they were eliminated from playoff contention. Maybe if they would have spent less money on gay ass floats and more money on talent, this season would not have sucked complete and total dick lips. And these were not little pussy parades, it was like a fucking Mardi Gras parade 22 hours a day 7 days a week. Coach Tyson actually employed full time parade participants. Do you know how much money he spent on the floats that carried Madison's premiere prostitutes? I don't know the exact number, but Dr. Cinnamon's dental practice is flourishing. Cam Newton proved to be a disappointment in his 2nd season as a Crotch Kicker, while Jamaal Charles proved that he was worth keeping on IR through all of 2011 by having an MVP caliber return. It seemed to me as if the team simply wanted to take some time off after their championship run, and no one will blame them for that...other than the fans, management, coaches, and everyone who is not a player. The Smashers will still be able to retain the Ryan Leaf Trophy until next season starts, as is tradition. In that case, let us fire up the marching band, light the Roman candles, get some midgets on their mini-scooters, and start the parade...one last time.
Lansing Clam Faces:
Lansing Clam Faces:
This is the only team in the 2012 that I can say, left us too soon. In the early part of the season, the Clams seemed a lock to make the post season. Then some injuries happened and Coach Sweens got a little "Waiver-Wire Happy" and the team slowly lost its chemistry and flopped on the carpet like a goldfish you got sick of. Something as simple as a win in Week 12, would have completely changed the Clam Faces fate. It is so rare to be able and pinpoint the exact moment when someones life turns into a whirling dirbish of horse shit, but with this team...it is oh so simple. Drew Brees was glorious as always and Andrew Luck was a very pleasant surprise. Rob Gronkowski was solid when healthy, but down the stretch of the season he spent too much time getting his dick licked than catching passes. During the final weeks of the season his lineup was scattered with unknown commodities like Bryce Brown, Danario Alexander, and Marcel Reese. Even though the team may be gone, it's head coach is still alive and well...we suspect. He was last spotted in the Appalachian wilderness, building a cabin out of logs with his bare hands. It is believed he has taken to knitting his own clothes and whittling clams out of wood. According to the Clam Faces front office, this is standard post-season procedure for their coach. So, let us raise our cups of chowder and sprinkle some oyster crackers on there...then dump it on the floor.
No comments:
Post a Comment