Heeeeere we go. Hello everybody. It's me Mario and my brother Luigi. We have-a been following your league all season and-a we wanted to become analysts. Mr. Olsen was-a kind enough to let us break-a-down the games being played tomorrow. This is-a more exciting than the time we saved-a the Princess Peach from Bowser. I hope we do not-a disappoint.
We already-a know that 3 teams are in the playoffs, CYO, Tree-a Humpers, and the Dingleberries. With-a three spots to go, the other teams need to make a statement this weekend. Me and-a my brother Luigi are gonna give you some in depth loooks at the teams playing this weekend. Enjoy-a!!
Mario Bros. Breakdown
Firebirds vs. Rainbows
by Luigi Mario
Firebirds -- The paradox of the Firebirds is that despite having what appears to be a decent team, they keep losing and losing. It's gotta be tough living in Madison these days (the NFL's Ohio, Bengals and Browns). Despite his hardships, Coach Davy can still say he has put together a decent team and appears to just have been straight up boned by chance on this one. Matt Cassel is a good QB, averaging 19.5 points per week with the red hot Chiefs, but in the QB2 position the Feathered Flameout has had some serious problems. This week sees a change at the position, swapping Shaun Hill, injured last week, for Seattle's Matt Hasselbeck. It's heads-or-tails whether Hasselbeck performs for Davy Jones, which are better odds than the good coach has on most of his dates. At this point, I think Davy's just doing what we all did at that lonely high school dance after party - hoping for next year.
Rainbows -- After a tough loss last week in which his bench players outscored his starters 43-7 (3 WRs and a TE), the WWS world is questioning the competency of the Gayblow leadership. At press time he had the same starters that disappointed him last week set to play again vs. the Featherdusters. Perhaps he's busy changing diapers or whatever, but he needs to realize that Alaska's Affirmative Jesse Blacktion is creeping up on Cozine's Rainbow PUSH Coalition. It's true that Tyson is in the cellar in the West, but Dan-o clinches a playoff berth if he gets a win this week. He'd better pull it off, as next week he faces the mighty Chicago Poopmongers in the last regular season match.
Turds vs Humpers
by Luigi Mario
Poop-Raisins -- If a tree falls in the forest and there is no one there to hear it, does it make a sound? That question comes to mind when analyzing the clash of the WWS titans in this week's Coaster Bowl. With both teams most assuredly in the playoffs, pretty much no one, not even the coaches, gives a damn about the outcome of this game. Notable additions for the Malevolent Dictator and his poop goons this week include swapping out the Browns on D for the Chargers and dropping LT in favor of Pierre Thomas, who is currently injured. Also notable is the hilariously short-lived return of Vincent Jackson, who injured himself almost immediately upon touching the field in Indy, and will likely sit out this week against Oakland. When he comes back, though, Chuck will again have a decent receiving corps. Don't forget, though, that this team has the fewest points scored against it this season of all eight squads. There is a chink in his armor.
Speed Humps -- Placing second in overall points scored, the Seattle team is no small potatoes. The man with the plan obviously has an interest in the game, since he won't stop updating that fucking blog, so no question of leadership there. His flight to the playoffs is in-hand and non-refundable, so he clearly has nothing to lose this week. Look for this team to pull out all the stops this week. Perhaps he will even play his new WR, Deion Branch (he dropped Brandon Tate), who is a dangerous choice going up against the Jets (avg. points 6.7), but coming off a 23-point game against Detroit. The rest of the league has to face facts, though: 12 of his 16 players are averaging double-digit output each week. It will take a mighty blow to fell this tree, this week and in the playoffs. Sharpen your blades and get ready because you will likely have to face this silly bitch, and you'll have to take him seriously.
Clams vs Aff/Black
by Mario Mario
Clams -- Got off to a hot start, but hav faded as of late. At this point they just need a Firebird loss in the next two weeks to get into the Winter Formal. They are still mathematically alive to win the division, but only if they win out and the CYO lose their next two. Once they are in the playoffs, there are some things to be aware of. This is a much more explosive team than they might look on paper, especially at WR. Dwayne Bowe has scored 20 or more points in 5 games this season and Brandon Lloyd has scored in the double digits 8 times!! Fucking Brandon Lloyd?!?!? True story. This team’s biggest flaw is bad timing, the Clams were on the losing end of the two highest scoring outputs of the season back to back. CYO racked up 167 points and the next weekend the Humpers put up 173 points.
Aff/Blacks -- Another team that was hot to trot out the gate, but now finds them self in 3rd place of the West division. They are fortunate that the Chupacabras are in the West because their schedule is rough the next two weeks. This game is a good matchup for the Blackaroo’s. They took a major hit to the receiving core when they lost Hakeem Nicks to injury. Lance Moore is not the answer. Clearly they have one of the strongest QB duo’s in the league in Phil Rivers and Samuel Bradford, but they are blowing serious wiener right now. I am talking about an enormous dong. They have lost 4 in a row…..they used to be 5-2-1 and now they are going to slide into the playoffs on a Chupacabra carcass. They need a win for pride, so they better put on their big boy pants this week.
CYO vs Chupacabras
by Mario Mario
CYO -- They have the best record in the league. In early season power rankings they were not even considered a factor, but that is why we play the games. Starting Michael Vick and Ben Roethlisberger has been the key to his success. Pairing a man convicted of mass K-9 genocide and a man known for his ability to rape chubby chicks in public bathrooms. The backlash from the media was enough to drive anyone’s psyche to the brink of self mutilation. Under intense strain, Coach Derr stuck to his guns and it has put his team in line to get a first round bye in the playoffs. This team is pretty solid at every position. If you want to beat him, you have to outscore him. This game is a must have and gets you one step closer to that week off.
Chupacabras – They have the worst record in the league. In early season power rankings they were not even considered a factor, well that hasn’t changed. He has some talent at RB, but everything else is pretty thin. He made two big mid-season moves by acquiring alcoholic Jay Cutler and my grandma Carson Palmer on the same weekend. Those deals were bad. The WR’s are good on paper but have really underperformed this season. They have swept their cross-town rivals, the equally pathetic Madison Firebirds. So at least they can hold their heads up around town, but this week they are just way over matched. While they are still mathematically alive, they are as good as dead this week.
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