Week 14 in Review: No Homo Edition

Totally platonic. Seriously.

post by John Travolta

‘Sup a-holes? Nothing here either. I just piloted another few tons of relief aid over to Haiti – no big deal. I think it was mostly Easy Mac. Delicious.  I could have fit more boxes in there, but I had to bring some photographers so the world would know how magnanimous I am. But I digress. There was some real (pointless) action this week in the world of West Wilson Street Revival fantasy football.

By the way anything you’ve heard about my sexuality recently is a lie.

Humpers vs. CYO

We’ll start at the top with the 1-2 battle. This matchup may be a preview of the title game, as Seattle and Milwaukee stand apart as the titans of this year’s league. Not the Tennessee Titans, mind you, but the mythological kind.

For the plantbangers, disaster struck this week when Aaron Rodgers suffered a concussion and scored only one point. The clorophyll whoreophyll should be thankful, though, that he has a playoff bye week to allow the point-happy QB to recover. He was able to contend still, with Michael Turner (RB, Atl) scoring a groin-grabbing 30 points and the Steelers defense somehow turning out 26.

Coach Olsen this week said he would intentionally play his shittier players, so perhaps this analysis is overkill. His bench scored 67 to Coach Derr’s bench’s 14, so I’m guessing the Leaf Lovers are just playing patsy.

Of note, however, is the poor performance of Big Blake’s bogus bench. That’s alliteration for you poetic types out there. I’m truly an artist. Five of six scored just one or zero points. Injuries may be the downfall of the CYOs. Everybody pray to L. Ron, make a donation to the One True Religion, and maybe we’ll get a favor.

Blacktion vs. Birds

I don’t exactly know how the duo of McNabb and Garrard for the Madisonites outscored the Rivers/Matt Ryan combo, but they did. That led to a big win for Coach Davy and a “cry-for-help” suicide attempt by Coach Moylan of the Ass Compaction Blacktion. I spoke to the coach in the recovery room at Ketchikan General:

With the last game ending and my fate sealed, I decided I needed to take drastic action. The police found me hanging from a rafter with my pants around my ankles, but the EMTs were able to save me. In fact, I was conscious the whole time, but still, I was very sad. I hope this has distracted from the week’s events. I’m so lonely.

He declined comment when asked how he became suspended from his neck whilst half-nude. All in all, he had a bad week and Davy had a B+ week. At least it wasn’t a real suicide attempt. One would think he would have just died of the embarrassment, but apparently not. See you next week, Blackies.

Rainbows vs. Dingles

This week Rochester whooped on old Chicago pretty hard, beating them by 30. Amazingly, Coach Dad pulled off the victory despite an embarrassing -2 point day by notorious asshole Kyle Orton. Big days from the Jets D, DeSean Jackson and Chris Johnson propelled him past a rather mediocre day from Coach Gingerballs’ team. However, Dan’s bench is another black hole, scoring a paltry four points overall. Yes, everybody blanked except Nate Washington. Dismissive wanking motion. Dismissive wanking motion all over the place.

Both teams remain competent, however.

This is my serious face.

Chupas vs. Clams

Holy crap, Tyson, how did your QBs only score eight points overall?? I’ve made some turds in my day (Michael, Battlefield Earth), but none to rival this QB-combo crapfest (more alliteration, bitches. Artist.). Combine that with probably the most regrettable benching of the year with Darren McFadden (RB, Oak) and his 38 motherflappin’ points, and Coach Sweeney pretty much lucked into an easy win this week. This especially considering that his formerly great WR corps of Dwayne Bowe (KC), TO (Cin) and Brandon Lloyd (Den) turned out a pitiful and infuriating five points between the three of them. What the fuck?

That’s it for this week. Look out for a playoff preview in the next day or two from a special guest who will remain a surprise for now. See you later, sluts, and may the force be with you (or whatever scientologists say).

I'll leave you with Jennifer Carpenter, who plays Debra Morgan on the show Dexter, and was left this week by her husband, Michael C. Hall, who stars in the show, for Julia Stiles.

Seriously?