Week 4 Re-Cap: Good enough to slap your Momma!

by: Steven Seagal

First of all, let me address Brian Sweeney calling me a "Ghost Rider".  He was mistaken.  Nicolas Cage played that part, but I can certainly understand how you thought it was me.  A half-man/half-skeleton demon riding a motorcycle and dolling out justice...that's a Steven Seagal film if ever I have heard one.

This week saw an undefeated fall, an undefeated stay undefeated, and the Spooge Cups continue their quest for the leagues first 0-13 season.  We also had three games decided by less than one score and two total ass-rammings.  It was a colorful array of blood shed, like my movie 'Above the Law'.  It's the story of an Italian Chicago beat cop who learns martial arts and dispenses swift justice because he is...above the law. Let's see who was above the law this week...and fuck Brian Sweeney.


ROCHESTER SPOOGE CUPS    vs    MADISON SCROTUM SMASHERS
                      135                                                        156.2

What do you even want me to say?  I picked this one first to get it out of the way.  Congrats to Coach Tyson for beating up on a blind, deaf, paraplegic, diabetic, asthmatic, 95 year old, with a spastic colon.  Essentially that is the equivalent of the Baby Batter Bowls.  Be that as it may, it did look like the Spoogies showed up to play.  Vernon Davis was the only Knuckle Nut Kid to score in single digits (2.8 pts), so you can't fault them for trying.  Tyson's team finally got a huge payout from Aaron Rodgers (36.9 pts) and a pleasant surprise in Eddie "Kansas Ciy" Royal (27.5 pts).  The Ball Sack Bashers improve to .500 while the Artificial Insemenaters  slide to 0-4.  On the plus side, Dan's Nude Drunken Bobsled team (the Ski-nude-ma's) is taking the underground scene by storm.  Too bad life doesn't imitate fantasy football.   Player of the Game: Aaron Rodgers (36.9)   Boner of the Game:  Vernon Davis (2.8)


WAUKESHA WET COOPERS    vs    BOSTON BUTT PIRATES
                    140.4                                                  143.3  

The Wet Coopers had this game in the bag, so long as Tom Brady managed 9.5 points.  159 yards, and 2 INT's later...Brady finished with 6.4 pts. (this is not the only game decided by the New England Patriots this week).  Thus, the Ginger Rectal Rompers continue their impressive start.  With this kind of luck, who needs to be good?  The Booty Bucs QB situation was lackluster, their RB's were nothing special, and aside from Antonio Brown...no one on the team did much worth mentioning.  The Wet Coopers had a fairly awful week, minus Eli Manning (40.1 pts) and Jordy Nelson (32.8 pts).  It is kind of ironical that former Butt Pirates stalwart Tom Brady helped the team to yet another victory...from the opposing sideline.  We were lucky enough to get a quote from Tom Brady after the game:

I kept seeing those tantalizing Butt Pirate jerseys and it was like having a 'Nam flashback.  In all seriousness, I thought I was throwing to my team... When you play in those disgusting brown and puke green uniforms for so long, it's tough to quit.  I miss you Chuck...why don't you call me any more?  

Player of the Game: Eli Manning (40.1)     Boner of the Game: Tie - Tom Brady (6.4) and LeSean McCoy (1.7)


-NIGHTCRAWLER-    vs    K-TOWN BOOTLEGGERS
            136.7                                           193.1

This one will go down as "Classic Davy", as he allowed Jake Locker to start...unfortunately Locker never took the field.  With Russell Wilson on Bye, it looks like Coach Wagner took one on the chin intentionally in the hopes that the rest of his team would pick him up.  Sixty points later, turns out it was the wrong call.  Meanwhile, the Moonshine Men looked strong.  Every roster spot scored in double digits, including five 20 point days and two 30 point days.  The question on everyones mind is, "Can they dominate like this in December?"  So far, the answer has been "NO"...but things change.  Coach Nick Leiting is essentially Peyton Manning, owns the regular season...shits his khaki's in the postseason.  And can I ask, why the fuck would anyone name their team after fish bait that you can buy on the side of any highway in the state of Wisconsin?  And why is it singular?  Your team mascot is one fat worm who only exposes himself when it rains?  Great marketing.  You have doomed your team from the start to be nothing more than fish food for the top feeders.  For your sake, you better hope you finish in last this season...drunk inbred monkeys would do a better job picking a team name.  Anyway...the Rum Runners won because they are better.  End of re-cap.   Player of the Game: Andrew Luck (37.6)    Boner of the Week: Coach Wagner for drafting two QB's who did not play this week.


PACIFIC PANTY DROPPERS    vs    SANTA FE CLAM FACES
                  123.2                                                   120.3

In the Under Armour "Under Performance: Game of the Week", both teams could not have played much worse.  Had either of these teams played the Spooge Cups, they would have lost.  Let me repeat that, THEY WOULD HAVE LOST TO THE SPOOGE CUPS!!!!  Coach Sweeney must have considered ending his life after getting a 25 points swing via the D/ST position (his D scored 17, while Craigory's scored -8) and still not being able to close the deal.  He got an ever bigger gift when Calvin Johnson could only muster 3.2 pts.  And yet, here we are.  Sweens and the Chowder Heads could only sit and watch as the Panties finally dropped...disgusting, used, sopping wet panties raining down on his face from the fat Alaskan fans that cheer for the Thong Tossers.  Coach Craig did get some nice play out of Matt Stafford (30.5) and Martellus Bennett (22.4) and enough garbage from the rest of his crew to squeak out a win.  All season we have been waiting for a victory worthy of some panties hitting the field...and we finally got it.  Santa Fe just got a few more cases of grass chlamydia.  Player of the Game: Matt Stafford (30.5 pts)    Boner of the Game: Nick Foles (3.9 pts).

KENO MUFF BUSTERS    vs    KENOSHA FIGHTIN' DILDOS
             134.1                                                  138.7

No ghost writing on this one...it's me, Lou the Younger.  This particular game struck a nerve with me and I would like to share it with all of you.  I had a 9 point lead going into Monday night.  All I needed was for the Defense of the Patriots to not implode and for Rob Gronkowski to stay in check.  The Patriots gave up 41 points to Alex Smith...which equals -4 fantasy points.  By my math that left me with a 5 point lead.  Gronkowski had not set foot on the field in the 2nd half of the game when they pulled Tom Brady in the 4th quarter.  I figured, "Well, there is no way Gronk will take reps with the back up this late in a game."  Then, I see Gronk come running onto the field for a red zone play with about 5 minutes left.  And wouldn't you fucking know it, snap, pass, Gronk, TD.  The New England Patriots single-handedly decided two games in this league because of their total and complete bull-shittery.  Losing to what is essentially my Dad's bench makes me the Boner of the Week (seriously, his entire bench this week was nothing but BYE's), and I will have to live with that.  Player of the Game is the Patriots D/ST for gift-wrapping a win for my Dad.  And for the record, I hope that when Bill Belichick gets to hell that his punishment is eating bags of dicks for the rest of eternity.

Week 3 Recap: The Great Middling

What's up, sluts? Sweeney here, forgoing the usual ghost-writing to give you an expletive-filled quickie review of the week that was. Thank sweet Jeebus the injury bug was less of a Mothra and more of a moth this week. If you were injury-bitten this week, I'm truly sorry, as it probably stings much more when you're part of an unlucky few. All other things equal, we ended up with a couple of standings outliers (3-0/0-3), but at this point pretty much everybody's crammed in the middle of the pack. Week four will be an important opportunity for some to get back on track, while others will likely take the plunge further below .500. Let's get fucking started. Asscrackles.


K-Town Bootleggers vs. Boston Butt Pirates
            130.2                               166.3

This week saw Coach Leiting's early-rounder, Drew Brees, finally break 20 points. It wasn't enough to beat the Boston Bungholers, which look like the early frontrunner for "Team to Beat" in 451WWS. Starting the season 2-0, Coach Kinzie's squad kept the motor running this week with a convincing win to remain flawless. Even his bench was pretty stacked, with Reggie Bush, Rashad Jennings and Kelvin Benjamin all turning in 20+ points. While most of those players are boom-or-bust, Kinzie could be a force to reckon with if he gets lucky in the bye weeks. Nick's team turned in a good performance, barring a dud from Joique, but it wasn't enough to overcome the league's early frontrunner.

Player of the Game: Emmanuel Sanders (25.9 points), for overcoming a horrendous matchup.
Boner of the Game: Joique Bell (3.3 points)

Keno Muff Busters vs. Pacific Panty Droppers
                 157                            93.1

Heh.

In the battle of the lady private parts, Coach Olsen's Cooch Kickers emerged victorious on the shoulders of....Kirk Cousins? Yep, you read that right. Last week's waiver-fodder became this week's high scorer after nobody took Lou's offer of a trade. Match that with a bullshit performance from Matt Stafford for Craig's Party Droopers and you've pretty much got the outcome of this game figured out. It didn't help the poor bastard that his Panthers D/ST gave up 37 points to Pittsburgh (really?) for -7 points. Lou continues his strong start to the season alongside the Ginger Fairies at 3-0. Craig drops to 1-2 and needs to make better bench decisions next week, as this week his inactive players outscored his actual team. Yikes.

Player of the Game: Kirk Cousins (33.6 points)
Boner of the Game: Matt Stafford (4.6 points), INT, INT, FUML, no TDs


Santa Fe Clam Faces vs. Madison Scrotum Smashers
                     88.7                         117.9

What in the world happened here? My reigning champion Clam Faces absolutely bit the dick this week, that's what. Garbage-time Raineypoints wouldn't even stop the bleeding caused by single-digit performances from seven (seven!) positions. Meanwhile, Coach Tyson had a respectable day, surviving shitburgers from BMarsh and last week's superstar/octogenarian, Antonio Gates. Godspeed, Tyson. What a shit week from the clams. Barf.

Player of the Game: Matt Ryan (again) (29.6 points)
Boner of the Game: Eddie Lacy (again) (3.5 points)


Rochester Spooge Cups vs. -Nightcrawler-
                  86.9                            169

The curious case of the worst team in 451WWS history continues this week with Dan's Spooge Cups. After losing Adrian Peterson, RGIII, Ben Tate, Mark Ingram, Eric Decker, Vernon Davis, Arian Foster and Ray Rice, this week saw the loss of Dan's hometown QB, Matt Cassell, for the year. It seems the fantasy football gods have smote Coach Cozine for the year while emphasizing the importance of showing up to the draft. Who wants to start a side bet on when Darren McFadden gets injured? Notably for the Wagner squad, his QBs got stratospheric with a combined 67.3 points, and somehow Pierre Garcon managed 30.8. Those three players would be all Coach Kurt would need to vanquish the lowly, embarrassingly bad, horrendous, very bad Spooge Cups. I will be excited to see whether poor Coach Cozine can top anyone this year, and I'll be the first to congratulate him/mock his opponent. Great job, Wagner, on surviving the injury to Jamaal Charles, and hopefully he returns next week.

Player of the Game: Andrew Luck (40.3 points)
Boner of the Game: Did Dan give up? He started two inactive players. Dan might be the boner here.


GAME OF THE WEEK!
Kenosha Fightin' Dildos vs. Waukesha Wet Coopers
            133.5                                      138.3

161 yards. Did I do thaaaaaaaaaaat?

In perhaps the tightest contest so far this year (I'm not looking that up), the Blake's Blandies squeaked past the reeling Dildos to 2-1. Lou, Sr. made some questionable coaching decisions, which ended up contributing to his second loss in a row. He benched Percy Harvin (11.2 points) and Brian Quick (14.2 points) for Harry Douglas (9.4 points) and let his Sprolesboner (6 points) get the best of him, benching Zac Stacy (17.1 points) versus a woeful Dallas defense. Kudos go to the Coopers, who may win this year's most-improved award. How are you enjoying that improved work/life balance, Coach Derr? That's the stuff.

Player of the Game: Julio Jones (37.1 points)
Boner of the Game: Frank Gore (1 point?!)

Week 2 Re-Cap

by Master Steven Seagal

My sensei used to say "A man who has committed a mistake and doesn't correct it is committing another mistake."  I think this rings especially true for one team this week.  You know the one...it's the one with the coach who loves to get naked and race with his pecker nestled between another man's buttocks for the sake of illegal money.  It's Dan Cozine.  And it is something he should consider, because Sensei Thunderfist Kungfucius is a pretty smart guy.  He holds both a Roth IRA and a 401K...smart man.  

This week was what the kids call a "shit show."  If your team was not obliterated by the Mongolian forces of Zuun (injuries), you should count yourself lucky and begin constructing a wall around your team.  This wall will need to stretch the length of China...sorry, that is not right, now I am just showing off my knowledge of the Zuun dynasty.  Truth be told, the Zuun dynasty is what made me the man I am today.  Their ruthless "kill now and never ask questions" mentality has been an inspiration for me in my film and fantasy football journalism work.  

I would like to note that there is no Game of the Week this week. Closest score this week was 17 points, so you either showed up or you were killed by Emperor Zuun.

Let's see who built a serviceable wall this week to keep out those damned Mongolian's. 


BOSTON BUTT PIRATES    vs.    -NIGHTCRAWLER- 
              157.3                                           103.3

I thought this might turn out to be a pretty good game, until injuries took their toll.  Davy's horribly named team suffered the loss of Jamaal Charles and Knowshon Moreno in-game.  When you factor that in with losing Doug Martin last week...Team Sleepy Gene might be out of running backs for the near future.  Meanwhile, the Ginger Overlord continued his reign as the dirtiest anal plunger in the league (It should be noted that this is a title no one else wants).  Nothing flashy, no monster games, just a good clean game for the Rectal Rompers.  The Daydream Believers really screwed the pooch by leaving Delanie Walker (30.2 pts) on the bench in favor of Jason Witten (7.2 pts).  On the flip side, Chuckacabra made all of the remaining right choices as his highest scoring bench player had 6.5 pts.  This game was so lopsided that Butt Pirates all over the country got bored and...well, you know...plundered for booty. If you catch my drift. It's a butt sex joke...Steven Seagal doesn't do subtlety.  Player of the Game: Geno Smith (19.6 pts) mostly because he scored more than 10 points    Boner of the Game: 2.6 points from inured running backs


SANTA FE CLAM FACES    vs.    ROCHESTER SPOOGE CUPS
                116.2                                                      81.6

If there was ever a week to strike down the defending champs...this was it!  But I imagine that when you are spending most of your time saddling up your dangler in-between the butt cheeks of your pals while sliding balls first down an ice chute, it is hard to focus on football.  This game was not all Coach Nude Runnings fault, injuries took RG3, Eric Decker, Vernon Davis, and Marques Colston. Wait, was Colston hurt?  Well, after scoring 0 points he might as well have been dead.  Then you factor in losing Wes Welker to the nightclub scene and Adrian Peterson to beating his child with a whipping stick -- it's a miracle that the city of Rochester has not implemented a self-destruct mechanism, ending it all.  Coach Sweeney Weenie Beanie Baby did everything in his power to provide his lifelong pal with a handicap, but Coach Dan was too busy singing songs from "Frozen" while humping Matt Spaeth.  As far as BP McSwizzle is concerned, a win is a win.  And for any team playing the Spooge Cups this season, I would wish you luck...but you will not need it.  Player of the Game: Nick Foles (19.4 pts) (no joke, this was the highest scoring player)   Turd of the Game: Marques Colston (0 pts, and 0 injuries)


K-TOWN BOOTLEGGERS     vs.    KENOSHA FIGHTIN' DILDOS
                168.1                                                 141.6

If there was a game of the week, this was it.  An injury to Dildo A.J. Green (almost immediately) derailed this from being a marquee match-up.  This reporter firmly believes the matchup would have been a nail-biter had Green been on the field for more than 16 seconds.  The Rum Runners got a career day out of Jay "I want my mommie" Cutler, in the way of 33.5 points to lead all scorers.  Coach Lightning must have given quite the inspirational speech to his team prior to the game as 4 players scored at least 20 points, and 2 others had at least 19 points.  Kind of makes you wonder where those speeches are come playoff time.  Coach AARP Member #158966325 did a commendable job hanging tough without his star WR, but in the end...close only counts in horseshoes and me making new movies (Do you know how close I was to playing Shredder in the new Ninja Turles movies?  Close).  Maybe this is the year that the old man puts it all together...or maybe not, either way at least those Social Security checks keep rolling in.  Good game, but should have been a great game.  Player of the Game: Jay Cutler (33.5 pts) (this could be the first and last time for Cutler)   Turd of the Game: Shane Vereen (5 pts)
       

MADISON SCROTUM SMASHERS    vs.    KENO MUFF BUSTERS
                    123.8                                                    157.2

That's how these teams celebrate!

In a game known around the news room as "The Crotch Destruction Bowl," Coach Nic "I know what Wet Cooper means" Tyson could not get his team motivated on the road.  Even Aaron Rodgers' 34.6 points was not enough to unbust those Muffs.  Meanwhile, Coach Master Race got a shocking 27 points from his defense (Patriots) and an additional 33.8 points from 1st round pick Jimmy Graham.  Those two performances washed away Ben Rapelisbergers' 6.7 pts and Reggie Wayne's 5.8 pts.  You have to question coach Tyno's logic in starting Carlos Hyde.  One catch for 5 yards?  You had two RB's on the bench who each scored 11 points and one of them is THE starter on his team!!!  It must be his undying love for The Ohio State University that lead him to this decision.  Did we mention yet that Coach Olsen started Derek Carr over Philip Rivers...and Tyson still could not win?  Tread lightly Scrote Sqaushers...you are on pace to be the Wet Coopers in a year's time.  Player of the Game: Aaron Rodgers (34.6 pts)    Turd of the Game:  Carlos Hyde (1.5 pts)  


PACIFIC PANTY DROPPERS    vs.    WAUKESHA WET COOPERS
                 140.5                                                             168.9

The Wet Coopers got bossed around last week, and if Coach Blake knows anything about what a Wet Cooper is...he will know that they do not take kindly to beatings.  Meanwhile, Coach Alaska Nebraska couldn't be bothered with football as he was out gallivanting around the globe.  It did not hurt the Soggy Coops that Jordy Nelson led all fantasy scorers this week (35.9 pts).  On the other side of the ball, Craigory's C. Johnsons (Calvin and Chris) combined for a sub-par 17.4 points.  This was the second game this week to surpass the 300 combined points barrier, but this game was one-sided from the get-go.  Blake's team asserted their dominance early and often.  His primary position players all scored in double-digits, leaving the Grizzly Men holding their own cocks.  This game showed us that the Swimming Bradley Cooper's are a feast or famine club with huge upside, and it also showed that Alaska is no place for a football team...or panties.  After week two, the Panty Droppers have one win...but zero dropped panties.  Player of the Game: Jordy Nelson (35.9 pts)   Turd of the Game:  CJ2K (3.1 pts)  

Draft Recap: Worst Picks Because You Suck

Butt Pirates
Pierre Thomas – Round 10, Pick 94
The newly Bostonified Butt Pirates gave us little to complain about early in the draft. But by round 10, the cocktails must have gotten to Coach Kinzie. Rather than Raiders starter MJD, he chose *ahem* THIRD-string Saints running back Pierre Thomas. Members of “running back-by-committee” teams are fantasy football poison, and Chuckles took the bait big time. Pierre Thomas is one of the greatest Fantasy Football cock teasers of our generation. I wouldn’t touch this guy with Lawrence Taylor’s dick. (Who would you touch with LT’s tallywacker, hmmm?) Enjoy those 4 weeks worth of 2 point outputs, followed by that one week where he drops 35. Your funeral on this one.

Cardinals D/ST – Round 13, Pick 127 
Maybe Chuck didn’t get the memo about the Cards losing their two top defensive players for the 2014 season – Karlos Dansby (free agency) and Daryl Washington (suspension) contributed two touchdowns, six interceptions, a handful of fumble recoveries and 9.5 sacks last season. Maybe Coach K didn’t realize that everybody pretty much ranked the Cards D at a low-ish number 8. Either way, the Cards were the fifth D/ST off the board, which was way too early. I’d have rather drafted Steve Smith or taken a flier on Nicks experiencing a miraculous recovery from Eli Syndrome. Picking a D/ST prior to your final two picks is a waste of time. Reaching for a team with a one season track record of dominance, plus the loss of the two players mentioned above… This pick left me wondering if the “Chowda” is impacting his late round decision-making.

Yeah, baby. Right in the ear.

Dennis Pitta – Round 5, Pick 47
This could be a great pick due to the new offensive scheme in Baltimore from Coordinator Gary Kubiak. But Moltar knows and Zorak knows (and probably Chuck knows) that taking Pitta over guys available two and three rounds later like Vernon Davis (Pick 64), Jason Witten (Pick 66) and Greg Olsen (Pick 107) might have been a bit of a reach. Time will tell. This is Chuckles McGingervitis’ biggest reach of the draft. Not necessarily a bad pick, but certainly jumping the gun on the 2nd tier of TE’s. The human pita chip may pay dividends, but not Top 50 dividends.


Wet Coopers
Eli Manning – Round 7, Pick 62
This was an awful pick. Don’t know what else to say. Just awful. Undraftable player. Oh, and he’s one of your starting QBs. At least you paid your dues beforehand.

Clam Faces
Ryan Tannehill – Round 8, Pick 71
Two backup QBs with little to no upside. By Round 8, Sweens had 2 QBs, 3 RBs, and 2 WRs. There was a lot of start worthy RB/WR talent drafted between Tannehill and Sweens next at Pick 90.

E.J. Manuel – Round 13, Pick 130
Then, drafting E.J. Manuel to back up the back up in case the back up needed backing up only to drop him after the draft to pick up Cincinnati’s version of Mike Tolbert who doesn’t catch passes. Drafting magic.

Panty Droppers
Craig’s questionable picks came in the middle rounds. But I can’t really fault him on any of them because the available players he may have taken otherwise were in similar territory and could produce just as well. Perhaps taking Ray Rice instead of CJ1K (Pick 73; Round 8)? There you go.

Craig picked me WHEN?!?!

Wait a minute. Here it is: Justin Tucker in the 14th; a middle of the road kicker in the 14th. Why? If you’re going to draft a kicker in a round other than the last, get a kicker on a high-scoring offense with playoff aspirations. For example, Prater (not suspended at the time), Gostkowski, Hauschka, Crosby, etc. That way, you’ll get that average extra point or two per game over the middle of the road kicker. Or not.

Spooge Cups
I can’t look at any “pick” Dan made. He technically didn’t make any. Therefore his whole autodrafting scheme was his worst, and sadly, only “pick.” *double facepalm*

The “robodraft” as it is now called, will be analyzed further in another article. Stay tuned…

– Nightcrawler –
Overall, not a bad draft. To say that Sir Davy Jones took Andre Johnson (Round 4, Pick 35) and Trent Richardson (Round 8, Pick 75) both a little early is picking nits. I might have taken a WR in the third round instead of Doug Martin and then Gronk in the 4th, but what do I know? Nice work, X-MAN.

Muff Busters
Alfred Morris – Round 3, Pick 32
There were about half a dozen running backs available I’d rather have here, all of whom will catch many, many more passes this season than Alfred Morris will likely catch for the rest of his career. In a standard scoring, 10-team league, I can get on board with this pick, but I just can’t drink Lou’s Kool-Aid in PPR.

KEEPING IT REAL.

Johnny Football – Round 10, Pick 92
Will he be fantasy relevant? In other words, when he plays will he produce? This may pay off and Lou will look like a genius, but we all know better than to believe in such things.

Khiry Robinson – Round 11, Pick 109
He’s not the passing down back in New Orleans, nor is he going to get the number of short yardage/goal line touches that Mark Ingram will. I could be way wrong about this, and again, Lou could play the role of draft genius and get all of the perks that come along with it. Like those that come with watching Conan the Barbarian staring Arnold Schwarzenegger released in theaters the year of my birth. Anywho, Robinson is quite the talented RB, and he may jump over Ingram and Thomas on the “depth chart” emerging as the go-to for the Saints. Frankly, I don’t trust Sean Payton that much.

I would have taken a shot at Knowshon Moreno here, who is running away with the starting role in Miami.

Quack.

Scrotum Smasher
Where do I begin? How about Chris Ivory in Round 12? Pierre Thomas wouldn’t touch Chris Ivory with Lawrence Taylor’s dick. Fred Jackson is insulted. Wait, I'll see your Chris Ivory pick at 120 and raise you Darren McFadden (#2 on the Raiders’ RB depth chart) at pick 60, taken 4 rounds before the Raiders starting RB: MJD. Ouch. Chris Johnson would have been better at this pick and still wouldn’t have been very good. Any RB would have been better. Oh, and what the hell was happening at pick number 121, you ask??? Scrotum-smashing draft master Tyno picked Bernard Pierce, who is starting only two games this year and then keeping the bench warm for Ray Rice. Double ouch. Running back cluster fuck. Shut it down.

Fightin’ Dildos
Zac Stacy – Round 3, Pick 23
Let’s compare some stats for a minute. Player A and Player B are both available at pick 23. Player A is a pass catching back who averaged 18.4 pts/gm in 2013 and is projected to score 15.5 pts/gm in 2014 for a team expected to play from behind a lot this season. Player B is not a major pass catching back and averaged 14.1 per game in 2013 and is projected for 12.8 per game this season. Who would you draft here? Let’s recap how we win games in our league: Head-to-Head points. And as Herm Edwards is fond of saying, “You play to win the game.” Thus, if A = B, B = C, the sun and moon are in the house of Leo, and if I farted last Tuesday, you clearly draft Ryan Leaf Zac Stacy here.

Player A is DeMarco Murray. Can you guess Player B?

Yep, it’s Zac. As of right now, Stacy isn’t the go-to back in St. Louis. Bradford toasted his ACL for a second time and is out for the season leaving a major hole in the offense. Now the Rams’ running game is a 1-2 punch of Stacy and Benny Cunningham, who just so happens to be plying on the majority of the offensive snaps. Balls-a-million.

Zac Stacy's neck

Bootleggers
Good draft. Might have taken Cruz or Crabtree over Roddy White in the 7th Round. Nick did himself a favor handcuffing Shane Vereen by taking Ridley with the unpredictability of the Patriots running game. Instead of the handcuff, I would rather have taken MJD, a starter, or Sproles (10th round), who plays in a high-powered passing offense that’s going to use him more than people realize.

Notable BAD Picks:
Pick 1 – Aaron Rogers by Scrotum Smasher and Pick 2 – LeSean McCoy by The Wet Coopers
The worst picks in the first round were Pick 1 and Pick 2. Both Tyson and Blake passed up Peyton. There’s no excuse for this. To make matters worse, Big Lou got him at pick 3. Fuck balls. Tyson must have said “I don't want those extra 50 points (probably more) Peyton will get me this season,” and then Blake thought, “Hmmm, that's not a bad idea, I’ll pass up the number one QB, the number one point producing player in this league by a lot, for McCoy.” About as good an idea as smashing your scrotum in a door jamb… Yep. Good luck with Peyton, Big Lou. They really showed you how it’s done and left you with a difficult decision at pick 3…about as difficult as choosing between castration and chocolate cake. Ugh.

Worst Pick:
The title of Worst Pick goes to Blake who chose, *gulp*, Eli Manning in the 7th Round at Pick 63. The only thing going for Eli right now is that our league Commemorative Trophy may soon be named after him. We all know how that worked out for Ryan Leaf, don’t we? Wait. Do we? I don’t know. In any case, it’s bad.

Official Statement from the Commissioner

In light of new evidence regarding the whereabouts of Coach Cozine during the 2014 451WWSR League Draft, the commissioner’s office has prepared the following statement:

Thanks to the top-notch detective work of Steven Seagal, the whereabouts of Coach Cozine during this season’s league draft have been confirmed. The discovery of not just his attendance (or lack thereof) but also his willing participation in an illegal underground drunken nude bobsledding ring is at best, not surprising, and will result in harsh penalties. At this time the office of the Commissioner will consider possible actions and sanctions against Coach Cozine, The Spooge Cups organization, and all other relevant parties involved. Without any precedent on record, evaluations will begin immediately to assess the severity of the crimes and determine subsequent reprimands. A press conference will be held once the Commissioner and Roger Goodell Ryan Leaf his advisory panel have agreed upon a suitable course of action. Currently there is no timetable for when these sanctions could be levied, but justice will be swift and sexy  fair.

The Commissioner’s Office would again like to extend its deep thanks to Master Seagal and his team of investigators for their tireless efforts in uncovering the truth behind Coach Cozine’s absence.

Breaking News: Cozine Missed Draft for Illegal Racing…Of Sorts

Thanks to the diligence and cunning of our newest beat reporter, Master Steven Seagal, the staff at WWSR Weekly believes that we have uncovered the true whereabouts of Coach Daniel Cozine on the night of the 2014 draft. 

Disclaimer: From this point on, there will be images of a graphic and downright unpleasant nature.  Reader Discretion is advised.

The picture to your right was taken two days after the draft.  In this picture you see Coach Cozine, posing inside a bobsled being pushed by known underground drunken nude bobsledding founder Dave “Taintcicle” Trattorio.  In this picture you will note Cozine has put some pants on and is sporting a medal for taking first prize in a race held that day. 

It should be noted that drunken nude bobsledding is an underground, highly illegal sporting event.  Primarily held in places like Minnesota and Canada, these races have very strict rules and have very high pay-outs for their “winner-take-all” contests.   Seeing as how this is a highly illegal activity, it will be interesting to see how Commissioner Kinzie handles this news in the coming days.

The rules of drunken nude bobsledding are simple: 1) Participants must blow at least a .02 on a breathalyzer prior to racing, 2) All 4 team members MUST be nude, and 3) The team with the fastest time wins.  The average purse for a race can be anywhere from $250,000 to upwards of $5 million.  

This recent development connects Cozine to Eric Decker, Nate Kaeding, and Matt Spaeth.  No gay love affair here (unless you consider 4 naked drunk guys sliding down an ice chute with their dongs nestled between one another’s butt cheeks).  This break in the story would also explain why these four men met at an old bobsled warehouse on the night in question.  They were meeting to purchase a sled, which Master Seagal also learned has been named “The Spooge Bullet” due it’s slightly off-white paint job and obvious association with the Spooge Cups franchise. 

Upon reviewing Coach Cozine’s formal statement, there is no evidence of perjury on his part.  As far as we are able to tell with the evidence at hand, there was a dinner party.  The Faygo image Cozine referenced has been released by the Commissioner’s office (see below).   So from that regard the league has no grounds for punishment.  Where the Spooge Cups run into trouble is the illegal race that they won just two days later, which we have confirmed via photograph. 

Now it is up to the Commissioner’s office to make a move.  You think you know a guy…then you find out he gets drunk and naked with three other dudes and slides down an ice chute at 100-plus miles per hour.  What other skeletons do you have in your closet Coach Cozine?    

Draft Recap: Best Picks Because Positivity

For every Eli in this year’s draft, there was a successful, strategic pick that maximized value and/or roster. Here, a panel of former and current 451 West Wilson Street champions analyzes the draft with an eye for each manager’s brightest drafting moment. This excludes the draft of “Cleatus,” Coach Cozine the Football Robot. This draft’s follies warrant a separate examination.

I'm pretty sure this is actually Matt Ryan.

Coach Tyson, Madison Scrotum Smashers – Matt Ryan (QB), Round 5 (Pick 41)Marking the start of a run of second-tier QBs with famous names, Coach Tyson resisted the urge to draft Tom Brady, Tony Romo or Jay Cutler. Ryan rewarded the good coach with 37.4 points in week 1. The fantasy football community is abuzz regarding Ryan’s potential with his star WRs (Roddy White, Julio Jones) at full health for the first time in a year.
Runner-up: Le’Veon Bell (RB), Round 3 (Pick 21)
 


Coach Derr, Waukesha Wet Coopers – Terrance West (RB), Round 14 (Pick 139)
Taking flying leaps of faith sometimes pays off – especially when you’re betting on Brittle Browns back Ben Tate becoming injured sometime this season. No one expected Tate to get dinged up in the first game, and who could have predicted that West would earn 100 yards on 16 carries in the lead-back role? Maybe next year Blake will decide his own team name. But I wouldn’t count on it…his best pick came with only two rounds left. Update: Ben Tate will be out for 2-4 weeks, and I'm betting he'll miss more time, resulting in an occasional Cooperboost.
Runner-up: Julian Edelman (WR), Round 6 (Pick 59) 

Coach Olsen the Elder, Kenosha Fightin’ Dildos – Percy Harvin (WR), Round 8 (Pick 78)
Well after the initial run on elite WRs, the Dildos got all up in Percy Harvin. If he can stay healthy this year, he’ll be just that – elite. And for a bargain basement price like this, it’s well worth the risk to have him on your team. Even half the season would be worth it. Easily one of the best risk vs. reward picks in the draft this year.
Runner-up: Darren Sproles (RB), Round 11 (Pick 103)

Coach

That's telekinesis, Kyle.

Leiting, K-Town Bootleggers – Mike Wallace (WR), Round 11 (Pick 105)
How did this happen? Did everybody forget about the Dolphins and their top receiver? In any case, there’s a drought of talent through the air in Miami and Mike Wallace just got paid, so this pick should have been a no-brainer. He’s firing on all cylinders thus far, catching seven passes for 81 yards and a touchdown in week 1. At this point, this could be the steal of all steals because if Wallace can do that to the Patriots, who else could he do it to?
Runner-up: Demarco Murray (RB), Round 3 (Pick 25) 

Coach Wagner, - Nightcrawler -: Knowshon Moreno (RB), Round 12 (Pick 115)
Even in a timeshare running game, Knowshon Moreno can still move. Week 1 saw him gain 134 yards and a touchdown on 24 carries. Yowza. That’s practically a RB1 performance at a RB3-4 price tag. He could have a big year in a dual RB system.
Runner-up: Jake Locker (QB), Round 14 (Pick 135) 

Coach Kinzie, Boston Butt Pirates – Greg Jennings (WR), Round 12 (Pick 114)
Jennings ended 2013 with Matt Cassel as his quarterback, and put up respectable numbers whenever he was free of the toxic arm of Christian Ponder. In training camp, Cassel again beat out Ponder for the starting QB job, which is great news for Jennings. Even with the rise of Cordarelle Patterson (who after week one looks more like a RB than a WR), Jennings will continue to shine whenever Cassel is in the driver’s seat.
Runner-up: Emmanuel Sanders (WR), Round 9 (Pick 87) 

Break dance if you scored 35 fantasy points.

Coach Moylan, Pacific Panty Droppers – Julius Thomas (TE), Round 4 (Pick 33)
Thomas, cemented as one of Peyton Manning’s most reliable targets, will pay for himself even at the relatively high draft position seen here. He showed it this week, and will likely continue for the next three games with Wes Welker serving his suspension. Position-specific point differential is the name of the game, and Thomas will continue to rain down points onto the league’s sole West Coast representation.
Runner-up: Giovanni Bernard (RB), Round 3 (Pick 28)

Coach Olsen the Younger, Keno Muff Busters – Marshawn Lynch (RB), Round 2 (Pick 12)
Even with the high price of Marshawn Lynch in this draft position, we think that he will pay off in the long run. The panel believes he could be poised for a top-six finish. Seattle looked monstrous on Thursday Night Football against the Packers.
Runner-up: Steve Smith (WR), Round 14 (Pick 13) 

Coach Sweeney, Santa Fe Clam Faces – Cordarrelle Patterson (WR), Round 10 (Pick 91)
After week one’s impressive output, it is hard to believe that Patterson almost fell out of the Top 100. Sweeney isn’t the reigning champ for nothin’. He snaked this gem after a strong run on WRs in Round 9 (Jeremy Maclin, Michael Floyd, Kendall Wright, Emmanuel Sanders, Reggie Wayne and Torrey Smith). Sweeney needed a guy with some “home run hitter” potential and early on it looks like Patterson could fill that void. Our panel feels like this was a strong pick for the champs.
Runner-up: Ryan Tannehill (QB), Round 8 (pick 71)

2014 Week 1 Re-Cap

By: Master Steven Seagal

The 2014 season, like the sun cresting over the fields of Ishikari, is upon us.  You have all made your first moves in this 13-week showdown.  Half of you have fallen, while the other half may bow with pride.  And even though the season has been marred and tainted by the controversy surrounding the Rochester Spooge Cups, nothing eases the mind like some hand to hand Aikido/fantasy football combat. 

I am honored and privileged to be joining the staff of WWSR Weekly.  This is someone’s dream come true.  Truth be told, all of my movies go straight to DVD now so I need all of the work I can get.  Before this, I was working security at a TJ Maxx.  They didn’t even hire me, I just put on a shirt that said “Security” and wandered through the store for 8 hours a day.   But here’s something you may not know about me --I always have my Gi on under my street clothes.  You never know when a fight is going to break out on a submarine, train, or airplane…but you should know that I have successfully saved people in all three scenarios.  Let’s see who could not save themselves this week.

SANTA FE CLAM FACES    vs.    BOSTON BUTT PIRATES

              108.9                                            155.6

The reigning Ryan Leaf Trophy Champs took to the field to defend their title against the recently re-instated league commissioner and his ginger chews.  This game got out of hand early and never came back.  World Champion Coach B.P. McSweenselberry got a horrific special teams output, his Kicker and D/ST combined for -3 pts.  He also got very pedestrian receiving performances from his receiving corps (8.8,8.7,9.6), sans Cordarelle Patterson who had 21.8 points. But almost all of those came on RUNNING PLAYS!!!  Patterson had 3 catches for 26 yards.  Meanwhile, the Booty Buccaneers played solid, even flawless football.  Historically, we should have expected nothing less from an organization that has not missed the playoffs in the history of this league.  When your lowest scoring position player hits 12.4 pts, you are going to win more often than not.  The Blue Oyster Cult once sang “Don’t Fear the Ginger,” but I wouldn’t pay that song no mind. Red hair and freckles is going to be all the rage this season, even if it is disgusting an unnatural.   Player of the Game: Carson Palmer (that is not a typo), 25.1 pts.   Turd of the Game: New Orleans Defense  -7 pts.

-Nightcrawler-    vs.    KENOSHA FIGHTING DILDOS

      122.7                                           138.7

When one thinks of under-performance, it is hard to not think of these two organizations.  Notorious cellar dwelling coaches Davy “Kurt Warner” Wagner and Big Lou Olsen sent a ragtag group of underachievers out there to carry on their sad, sad legacies.  Both teams need better running backs. The –Nightcrawler- backs combined for exactly 10 points and the Dildos backs had a slightly less pathetic 12.7 points.  The real difference in this game came from the TE position, as Dildo Rob Gronkowski put up a respectable 14 points and Jason Witten threw down a 3.4.  Otherwise this was a very close game and an even match-up.  Doug Martin’s 2.6 points was just as disappointing as Jamaal Charles’ 7.4 for the Nocturnal Worms.  What was once viewed as the core of this team has started the season with a 7-point palm exploding heart technique strike.  Don’t kid yourself, though -- the Punching Sex Rods had 6.1 from Zac Stacy and 6.6 from Frank “I will never die” Gore.  It should also be noted that the Fish Baits left 106.3 points on his bench.  Get your hand off of your worm and coach better Wagner, otherwise you and I are going to have a night knife fight to the almost death.   Player of the Game:  Andrew Luck – 30.7 pts.    Turd of the Game:  Doug Martin – 2.6 pts.

WAUKESHA WET COOPERS    vs.    K-TOWN BOOTLEGGERS

                        106                                                     147.1

The Wet Coopers are on...

What the fuck is a Wet Cooper?  I can’t answer that, but I can tell you what it is not -- It’s not good at fantasy football.  The Wet Coopers went out and laid the biggest egg in the league, with a barely passable 106 points.  Eli Manning was the Field General of this craptastic marching band of bullshit, throwing up an average kicker’s day with 8.5 points.  Then Bishop Sankey thought it would be fun to drive the rest of the band off into a wall of port-o-johns with his 2.5 points.  Meanwhile, the Bootleggers played solid, mistake-free football, spelling D-O-O-M for a team buried neck high in crow shit.  Scoring 106 points is the equivalent of making a sequel to Under Siege (which I did…and it was worse than terrible).  What’s that?  Oh, I was just told what a Wet Cooper is. It suits this team.  Sorry Blake, I have been sworn to secrecy by the martial arts master/employer confidentiality agreement.  But trust me, your team is definitely a Wet Cooper this week.  Player of the Week: All of the Bootleggers    Turd of the Week:  All of the Wet Coopers

ROCHESTER SPOOGE CUPS    vs.    KENO MUFF BUSTERS

                 126.3                                                 134.9

No surprise here.  An organization mired in controversy against an organization that is coming off of their third career appearance in the Ryan Leaf Cup game (1-2 record).  While the Muff Busters under-performed, it made little difference as the Jizz Steins just could not get out of their own way.  There were very few single digit scorers in this game: Larry Fitzgerald (3.2), Alfred Morris (9.1), Robert Griffin III (8.9) and Victor Cruz (4.4).  The Cooter Crushers did everything they could to give this game away, but the Baby Batter Mugs could not muster up the testicular fortitude to win a game for a coach whose integrity and dedication to this team has been under intense scrutiny over the past two weeks.  In Akido, you are taught to hone in on your enemies weakness, so it was a smart move for Coach Olsen to hand out Eric Decker masks to his players on the bench.  I never thought something so stupid would make a difference, but it appeared to have distracted Cozine and company enough to sneak a win out of it.  Can’t argue with results.  Oh, and Cozine -- I’m on to you.  Your secret will be out very, very soon.  Player of the Game:  Marshawn Lynch – 25.4 pts.   Turd of the Game: – Larry Fitzgerald – 3.2

GAME OF THE WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!

PACIFIC PANTY DROPPERS    vs.    MADISON SCROTUM SMASHERS

                  175.6                                                               144.5

What a fucking game!  Five players in this game scored 30 points or more.  Andrew Luck was the only member of the 30+ club to not play in this game.  This game was for the big kids.  This game was a lot closer than the score would indicate. You can pinpoint the exact difference in this game to one matchup: Julius Thomas vs. Jordan Cameron.  Julius Thomas had one of the greatest single game performances a TE has ever had, while Jordan Cameron left the game with an injury and did not return. If you remove the TE position from this game, the final score would have been 140.2 – 137.8.  Like I said, much closer than the score indicates.  Is this finally the year that Craig casts off the shackles of Alaskan mediocrity?  Are the Scrotum Smashers just warming up?  After one week, I think it is safe to say that these two teams could be trouble for the rest of the league.  And I was watching, but I did not see any panty droppers.  Might want to work on that for next week Craig.  More panty dropping.   Player of the Game:  Julius Thomas – 35.4 pts.   Turd of the Game:  Mike Tolbert – 3.7 pts  (what the fuck where you thinking by starting the #3 RB on the Panthers depth chart?)

     

4th Member of Secret Meeting Revealed

After a slow start to the news week, this morning the 451WWS news team struck paydirt.

Once again, 451WWS martial arts expert/investigative journalist Steven Seagal came through, tracing records of calls made by Coach Daniel Cozine. Seagal. He identified two phone numbers that have cropped up repeatedly over the past few weeks as belonging to Nate Kaeding and Eric Decker. Thanks to some serious sleuthing (and what we can only assume was breaking and entering) Master Seagal uncovered a third phone number with multiple calls in the days leading up to the draft. We now know the identity of the final mystery member of this four-man group.

Celebrating? Shitting? Or Both?

The phone number in question is registered to Mrs. Matt Spaeth, aka our final mystery team member…Mr. Matt Spaeth.  Many of you will recognize Spaeth as an NFL tight end and former John Mackey award winner for Best Tight End in College Football.  Why is that important?  Spaeth played tight end for the Minnesota Golden Gophers -- Coach Cozine’s alma mater.

While we were unable to find any previous connection, it should be noted that Coach Cozine and Matt Spaeth attended UM at approximately the same time. The 451WWS investigation team posits that the tight end and an on-the-rise Coach Cozine became friends, and maybe more.

Now one question presents itself: What were Coach Cozine, Eric Decker, Nate Kaeding and Matt Spaeth doing together in an abandoned bobsled warehouse on the eve of the draft?

We will report more as this story develops. If you have any tips, please send them to us at fakeFFBnewstipline.thisisnotreal@gmail.com. Signing off for now, and may the Fantasy Football gods have mercy on us all.