Week 3 Recap: The Great Middling

What's up, sluts? Sweeney here, forgoing the usual ghost-writing to give you an expletive-filled quickie review of the week that was. Thank sweet Jeebus the injury bug was less of a Mothra and more of a moth this week. If you were injury-bitten this week, I'm truly sorry, as it probably stings much more when you're part of an unlucky few. All other things equal, we ended up with a couple of standings outliers (3-0/0-3), but at this point pretty much everybody's crammed in the middle of the pack. Week four will be an important opportunity for some to get back on track, while others will likely take the plunge further below .500. Let's get fucking started. Asscrackles.


K-Town Bootleggers vs. Boston Butt Pirates
            130.2                               166.3

This week saw Coach Leiting's early-rounder, Drew Brees, finally break 20 points. It wasn't enough to beat the Boston Bungholers, which look like the early frontrunner for "Team to Beat" in 451WWS. Starting the season 2-0, Coach Kinzie's squad kept the motor running this week with a convincing win to remain flawless. Even his bench was pretty stacked, with Reggie Bush, Rashad Jennings and Kelvin Benjamin all turning in 20+ points. While most of those players are boom-or-bust, Kinzie could be a force to reckon with if he gets lucky in the bye weeks. Nick's team turned in a good performance, barring a dud from Joique, but it wasn't enough to overcome the league's early frontrunner.

Player of the Game: Emmanuel Sanders (25.9 points), for overcoming a horrendous matchup.
Boner of the Game: Joique Bell (3.3 points)

Keno Muff Busters vs. Pacific Panty Droppers
                 157                            93.1

Heh.

In the battle of the lady private parts, Coach Olsen's Cooch Kickers emerged victorious on the shoulders of....Kirk Cousins? Yep, you read that right. Last week's waiver-fodder became this week's high scorer after nobody took Lou's offer of a trade. Match that with a bullshit performance from Matt Stafford for Craig's Party Droopers and you've pretty much got the outcome of this game figured out. It didn't help the poor bastard that his Panthers D/ST gave up 37 points to Pittsburgh (really?) for -7 points. Lou continues his strong start to the season alongside the Ginger Fairies at 3-0. Craig drops to 1-2 and needs to make better bench decisions next week, as this week his inactive players outscored his actual team. Yikes.

Player of the Game: Kirk Cousins (33.6 points)
Boner of the Game: Matt Stafford (4.6 points), INT, INT, FUML, no TDs


Santa Fe Clam Faces vs. Madison Scrotum Smashers
                     88.7                         117.9

What in the world happened here? My reigning champion Clam Faces absolutely bit the dick this week, that's what. Garbage-time Raineypoints wouldn't even stop the bleeding caused by single-digit performances from seven (seven!) positions. Meanwhile, Coach Tyson had a respectable day, surviving shitburgers from BMarsh and last week's superstar/octogenarian, Antonio Gates. Godspeed, Tyson. What a shit week from the clams. Barf.

Player of the Game: Matt Ryan (again) (29.6 points)
Boner of the Game: Eddie Lacy (again) (3.5 points)


Rochester Spooge Cups vs. -Nightcrawler-
                  86.9                            169

The curious case of the worst team in 451WWS history continues this week with Dan's Spooge Cups. After losing Adrian Peterson, RGIII, Ben Tate, Mark Ingram, Eric Decker, Vernon Davis, Arian Foster and Ray Rice, this week saw the loss of Dan's hometown QB, Matt Cassell, for the year. It seems the fantasy football gods have smote Coach Cozine for the year while emphasizing the importance of showing up to the draft. Who wants to start a side bet on when Darren McFadden gets injured? Notably for the Wagner squad, his QBs got stratospheric with a combined 67.3 points, and somehow Pierre Garcon managed 30.8. Those three players would be all Coach Kurt would need to vanquish the lowly, embarrassingly bad, horrendous, very bad Spooge Cups. I will be excited to see whether poor Coach Cozine can top anyone this year, and I'll be the first to congratulate him/mock his opponent. Great job, Wagner, on surviving the injury to Jamaal Charles, and hopefully he returns next week.

Player of the Game: Andrew Luck (40.3 points)
Boner of the Game: Did Dan give up? He started two inactive players. Dan might be the boner here.


GAME OF THE WEEK!
Kenosha Fightin' Dildos vs. Waukesha Wet Coopers
            133.5                                      138.3

161 yards. Did I do thaaaaaaaaaaat?

In perhaps the tightest contest so far this year (I'm not looking that up), the Blake's Blandies squeaked past the reeling Dildos to 2-1. Lou, Sr. made some questionable coaching decisions, which ended up contributing to his second loss in a row. He benched Percy Harvin (11.2 points) and Brian Quick (14.2 points) for Harry Douglas (9.4 points) and let his Sprolesboner (6 points) get the best of him, benching Zac Stacy (17.1 points) versus a woeful Dallas defense. Kudos go to the Coopers, who may win this year's most-improved award. How are you enjoying that improved work/life balance, Coach Derr? That's the stuff.

Player of the Game: Julio Jones (37.1 points)
Boner of the Game: Frank Gore (1 point?!)