Week 2 Re-Cap

by Master Steven Seagal

My sensei used to say "A man who has committed a mistake and doesn't correct it is committing another mistake."  I think this rings especially true for one team this week.  You know the one...it's the one with the coach who loves to get naked and race with his pecker nestled between another man's buttocks for the sake of illegal money.  It's Dan Cozine.  And it is something he should consider, because Sensei Thunderfist Kungfucius is a pretty smart guy.  He holds both a Roth IRA and a 401K...smart man.  

This week was what the kids call a "shit show."  If your team was not obliterated by the Mongolian forces of Zuun (injuries), you should count yourself lucky and begin constructing a wall around your team.  This wall will need to stretch the length of China...sorry, that is not right, now I am just showing off my knowledge of the Zuun dynasty.  Truth be told, the Zuun dynasty is what made me the man I am today.  Their ruthless "kill now and never ask questions" mentality has been an inspiration for me in my film and fantasy football journalism work.  

I would like to note that there is no Game of the Week this week. Closest score this week was 17 points, so you either showed up or you were killed by Emperor Zuun.

Let's see who built a serviceable wall this week to keep out those damned Mongolian's. 


BOSTON BUTT PIRATES    vs.    -NIGHTCRAWLER- 
              157.3                                           103.3

I thought this might turn out to be a pretty good game, until injuries took their toll.  Davy's horribly named team suffered the loss of Jamaal Charles and Knowshon Moreno in-game.  When you factor that in with losing Doug Martin last week...Team Sleepy Gene might be out of running backs for the near future.  Meanwhile, the Ginger Overlord continued his reign as the dirtiest anal plunger in the league (It should be noted that this is a title no one else wants).  Nothing flashy, no monster games, just a good clean game for the Rectal Rompers.  The Daydream Believers really screwed the pooch by leaving Delanie Walker (30.2 pts) on the bench in favor of Jason Witten (7.2 pts).  On the flip side, Chuckacabra made all of the remaining right choices as his highest scoring bench player had 6.5 pts.  This game was so lopsided that Butt Pirates all over the country got bored and...well, you know...plundered for booty. If you catch my drift. It's a butt sex joke...Steven Seagal doesn't do subtlety.  Player of the Game: Geno Smith (19.6 pts) mostly because he scored more than 10 points    Boner of the Game: 2.6 points from inured running backs


SANTA FE CLAM FACES    vs.    ROCHESTER SPOOGE CUPS
                116.2                                                      81.6

If there was ever a week to strike down the defending champs...this was it!  But I imagine that when you are spending most of your time saddling up your dangler in-between the butt cheeks of your pals while sliding balls first down an ice chute, it is hard to focus on football.  This game was not all Coach Nude Runnings fault, injuries took RG3, Eric Decker, Vernon Davis, and Marques Colston. Wait, was Colston hurt?  Well, after scoring 0 points he might as well have been dead.  Then you factor in losing Wes Welker to the nightclub scene and Adrian Peterson to beating his child with a whipping stick -- it's a miracle that the city of Rochester has not implemented a self-destruct mechanism, ending it all.  Coach Sweeney Weenie Beanie Baby did everything in his power to provide his lifelong pal with a handicap, but Coach Dan was too busy singing songs from "Frozen" while humping Matt Spaeth.  As far as BP McSwizzle is concerned, a win is a win.  And for any team playing the Spooge Cups this season, I would wish you luck...but you will not need it.  Player of the Game: Nick Foles (19.4 pts) (no joke, this was the highest scoring player)   Turd of the Game: Marques Colston (0 pts, and 0 injuries)


K-TOWN BOOTLEGGERS     vs.    KENOSHA FIGHTIN' DILDOS
                168.1                                                 141.6

If there was a game of the week, this was it.  An injury to Dildo A.J. Green (almost immediately) derailed this from being a marquee match-up.  This reporter firmly believes the matchup would have been a nail-biter had Green been on the field for more than 16 seconds.  The Rum Runners got a career day out of Jay "I want my mommie" Cutler, in the way of 33.5 points to lead all scorers.  Coach Lightning must have given quite the inspirational speech to his team prior to the game as 4 players scored at least 20 points, and 2 others had at least 19 points.  Kind of makes you wonder where those speeches are come playoff time.  Coach AARP Member #158966325 did a commendable job hanging tough without his star WR, but in the end...close only counts in horseshoes and me making new movies (Do you know how close I was to playing Shredder in the new Ninja Turles movies?  Close).  Maybe this is the year that the old man puts it all together...or maybe not, either way at least those Social Security checks keep rolling in.  Good game, but should have been a great game.  Player of the Game: Jay Cutler (33.5 pts) (this could be the first and last time for Cutler)   Turd of the Game: Shane Vereen (5 pts)
       

MADISON SCROTUM SMASHERS    vs.    KENO MUFF BUSTERS
                    123.8                                                    157.2

That's how these teams celebrate!

In a game known around the news room as "The Crotch Destruction Bowl," Coach Nic "I know what Wet Cooper means" Tyson could not get his team motivated on the road.  Even Aaron Rodgers' 34.6 points was not enough to unbust those Muffs.  Meanwhile, Coach Master Race got a shocking 27 points from his defense (Patriots) and an additional 33.8 points from 1st round pick Jimmy Graham.  Those two performances washed away Ben Rapelisbergers' 6.7 pts and Reggie Wayne's 5.8 pts.  You have to question coach Tyno's logic in starting Carlos Hyde.  One catch for 5 yards?  You had two RB's on the bench who each scored 11 points and one of them is THE starter on his team!!!  It must be his undying love for The Ohio State University that lead him to this decision.  Did we mention yet that Coach Olsen started Derek Carr over Philip Rivers...and Tyson still could not win?  Tread lightly Scrote Sqaushers...you are on pace to be the Wet Coopers in a year's time.  Player of the Game: Aaron Rodgers (34.6 pts)    Turd of the Game:  Carlos Hyde (1.5 pts)  


PACIFIC PANTY DROPPERS    vs.    WAUKESHA WET COOPERS
                 140.5                                                             168.9

The Wet Coopers got bossed around last week, and if Coach Blake knows anything about what a Wet Cooper is...he will know that they do not take kindly to beatings.  Meanwhile, Coach Alaska Nebraska couldn't be bothered with football as he was out gallivanting around the globe.  It did not hurt the Soggy Coops that Jordy Nelson led all fantasy scorers this week (35.9 pts).  On the other side of the ball, Craigory's C. Johnsons (Calvin and Chris) combined for a sub-par 17.4 points.  This was the second game this week to surpass the 300 combined points barrier, but this game was one-sided from the get-go.  Blake's team asserted their dominance early and often.  His primary position players all scored in double-digits, leaving the Grizzly Men holding their own cocks.  This game showed us that the Swimming Bradley Cooper's are a feast or famine club with huge upside, and it also showed that Alaska is no place for a football team...or panties.  After week two, the Panty Droppers have one win...but zero dropped panties.  Player of the Game: Jordy Nelson (35.9 pts)   Turd of the Game:  CJ2K (3.1 pts)