Breaking News: Cozine Missed Draft for Illegal Racing…Of Sorts

Thanks to the diligence and cunning of our newest beat reporter, Master Steven Seagal, the staff at WWSR Weekly believes that we have uncovered the true whereabouts of Coach Daniel Cozine on the night of the 2014 draft. 

Disclaimer: From this point on, there will be images of a graphic and downright unpleasant nature.  Reader Discretion is advised.

The picture to your right was taken two days after the draft.  In this picture you see Coach Cozine, posing inside a bobsled being pushed by known underground drunken nude bobsledding founder Dave “Taintcicle” Trattorio.  In this picture you will note Cozine has put some pants on and is sporting a medal for taking first prize in a race held that day. 

It should be noted that drunken nude bobsledding is an underground, highly illegal sporting event.  Primarily held in places like Minnesota and Canada, these races have very strict rules and have very high pay-outs for their “winner-take-all” contests.   Seeing as how this is a highly illegal activity, it will be interesting to see how Commissioner Kinzie handles this news in the coming days.

The rules of drunken nude bobsledding are simple: 1) Participants must blow at least a .02 on a breathalyzer prior to racing, 2) All 4 team members MUST be nude, and 3) The team with the fastest time wins.  The average purse for a race can be anywhere from $250,000 to upwards of $5 million.  

This recent development connects Cozine to Eric Decker, Nate Kaeding, and Matt Spaeth.  No gay love affair here (unless you consider 4 naked drunk guys sliding down an ice chute with their dongs nestled between one another’s butt cheeks).  This break in the story would also explain why these four men met at an old bobsled warehouse on the night in question.  They were meeting to purchase a sled, which Master Seagal also learned has been named “The Spooge Bullet” due it’s slightly off-white paint job and obvious association with the Spooge Cups franchise. 

Upon reviewing Coach Cozine’s formal statement, there is no evidence of perjury on his part.  As far as we are able to tell with the evidence at hand, there was a dinner party.  The Faygo image Cozine referenced has been released by the Commissioner’s office (see below).   So from that regard the league has no grounds for punishment.  Where the Spooge Cups run into trouble is the illegal race that they won just two days later, which we have confirmed via photograph. 

Now it is up to the Commissioner’s office to make a move.  You think you know a guy…then you find out he gets drunk and naked with three other dudes and slides down an ice chute at 100-plus miles per hour.  What other skeletons do you have in your closet Coach Cozine?