2014 Week 1 Re-Cap

By: Master Steven Seagal

The 2014 season, like the sun cresting over the fields of Ishikari, is upon us.  You have all made your first moves in this 13-week showdown.  Half of you have fallen, while the other half may bow with pride.  And even though the season has been marred and tainted by the controversy surrounding the Rochester Spooge Cups, nothing eases the mind like some hand to hand Aikido/fantasy football combat. 

I am honored and privileged to be joining the staff of WWSR Weekly.  This is someone’s dream come true.  Truth be told, all of my movies go straight to DVD now so I need all of the work I can get.  Before this, I was working security at a TJ Maxx.  They didn’t even hire me, I just put on a shirt that said “Security” and wandered through the store for 8 hours a day.   But here’s something you may not know about me --I always have my Gi on under my street clothes.  You never know when a fight is going to break out on a submarine, train, or airplane…but you should know that I have successfully saved people in all three scenarios.  Let’s see who could not save themselves this week.

SANTA FE CLAM FACES    vs.    BOSTON BUTT PIRATES

              108.9                                            155.6

The reigning Ryan Leaf Trophy Champs took to the field to defend their title against the recently re-instated league commissioner and his ginger chews.  This game got out of hand early and never came back.  World Champion Coach B.P. McSweenselberry got a horrific special teams output, his Kicker and D/ST combined for -3 pts.  He also got very pedestrian receiving performances from his receiving corps (8.8,8.7,9.6), sans Cordarelle Patterson who had 21.8 points. But almost all of those came on RUNNING PLAYS!!!  Patterson had 3 catches for 26 yards.  Meanwhile, the Booty Buccaneers played solid, even flawless football.  Historically, we should have expected nothing less from an organization that has not missed the playoffs in the history of this league.  When your lowest scoring position player hits 12.4 pts, you are going to win more often than not.  The Blue Oyster Cult once sang “Don’t Fear the Ginger,” but I wouldn’t pay that song no mind. Red hair and freckles is going to be all the rage this season, even if it is disgusting an unnatural.   Player of the Game: Carson Palmer (that is not a typo), 25.1 pts.   Turd of the Game: New Orleans Defense  -7 pts.

-Nightcrawler-    vs.    KENOSHA FIGHTING DILDOS

      122.7                                           138.7

When one thinks of under-performance, it is hard to not think of these two organizations.  Notorious cellar dwelling coaches Davy “Kurt Warner” Wagner and Big Lou Olsen sent a ragtag group of underachievers out there to carry on their sad, sad legacies.  Both teams need better running backs. The –Nightcrawler- backs combined for exactly 10 points and the Dildos backs had a slightly less pathetic 12.7 points.  The real difference in this game came from the TE position, as Dildo Rob Gronkowski put up a respectable 14 points and Jason Witten threw down a 3.4.  Otherwise this was a very close game and an even match-up.  Doug Martin’s 2.6 points was just as disappointing as Jamaal Charles’ 7.4 for the Nocturnal Worms.  What was once viewed as the core of this team has started the season with a 7-point palm exploding heart technique strike.  Don’t kid yourself, though -- the Punching Sex Rods had 6.1 from Zac Stacy and 6.6 from Frank “I will never die” Gore.  It should also be noted that the Fish Baits left 106.3 points on his bench.  Get your hand off of your worm and coach better Wagner, otherwise you and I are going to have a night knife fight to the almost death.   Player of the Game:  Andrew Luck – 30.7 pts.    Turd of the Game:  Doug Martin – 2.6 pts.

WAUKESHA WET COOPERS    vs.    K-TOWN BOOTLEGGERS

                        106                                                     147.1

The Wet Coopers are on...

What the fuck is a Wet Cooper?  I can’t answer that, but I can tell you what it is not -- It’s not good at fantasy football.  The Wet Coopers went out and laid the biggest egg in the league, with a barely passable 106 points.  Eli Manning was the Field General of this craptastic marching band of bullshit, throwing up an average kicker’s day with 8.5 points.  Then Bishop Sankey thought it would be fun to drive the rest of the band off into a wall of port-o-johns with his 2.5 points.  Meanwhile, the Bootleggers played solid, mistake-free football, spelling D-O-O-M for a team buried neck high in crow shit.  Scoring 106 points is the equivalent of making a sequel to Under Siege (which I did…and it was worse than terrible).  What’s that?  Oh, I was just told what a Wet Cooper is. It suits this team.  Sorry Blake, I have been sworn to secrecy by the martial arts master/employer confidentiality agreement.  But trust me, your team is definitely a Wet Cooper this week.  Player of the Week: All of the Bootleggers    Turd of the Week:  All of the Wet Coopers

ROCHESTER SPOOGE CUPS    vs.    KENO MUFF BUSTERS

                 126.3                                                 134.9

No surprise here.  An organization mired in controversy against an organization that is coming off of their third career appearance in the Ryan Leaf Cup game (1-2 record).  While the Muff Busters under-performed, it made little difference as the Jizz Steins just could not get out of their own way.  There were very few single digit scorers in this game: Larry Fitzgerald (3.2), Alfred Morris (9.1), Robert Griffin III (8.9) and Victor Cruz (4.4).  The Cooter Crushers did everything they could to give this game away, but the Baby Batter Mugs could not muster up the testicular fortitude to win a game for a coach whose integrity and dedication to this team has been under intense scrutiny over the past two weeks.  In Akido, you are taught to hone in on your enemies weakness, so it was a smart move for Coach Olsen to hand out Eric Decker masks to his players on the bench.  I never thought something so stupid would make a difference, but it appeared to have distracted Cozine and company enough to sneak a win out of it.  Can’t argue with results.  Oh, and Cozine -- I’m on to you.  Your secret will be out very, very soon.  Player of the Game:  Marshawn Lynch – 25.4 pts.   Turd of the Game: – Larry Fitzgerald – 3.2

GAME OF THE WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!

PACIFIC PANTY DROPPERS    vs.    MADISON SCROTUM SMASHERS

                  175.6                                                               144.5

What a fucking game!  Five players in this game scored 30 points or more.  Andrew Luck was the only member of the 30+ club to not play in this game.  This game was for the big kids.  This game was a lot closer than the score would indicate. You can pinpoint the exact difference in this game to one matchup: Julius Thomas vs. Jordan Cameron.  Julius Thomas had one of the greatest single game performances a TE has ever had, while Jordan Cameron left the game with an injury and did not return. If you remove the TE position from this game, the final score would have been 140.2 – 137.8.  Like I said, much closer than the score indicates.  Is this finally the year that Craig casts off the shackles of Alaskan mediocrity?  Are the Scrotum Smashers just warming up?  After one week, I think it is safe to say that these two teams could be trouble for the rest of the league.  And I was watching, but I did not see any panty droppers.  Might want to work on that for next week Craig.  More panty dropping.   Player of the Game:  Julius Thomas – 35.4 pts.   Turd of the Game:  Mike Tolbert – 3.7 pts  (what the fuck where you thinking by starting the #3 RB on the Panthers depth chart?)