Pierre Thomas – Round 10, Pick 94
The newly Bostonified Butt Pirates gave us little to complain about early in the draft. But by round 10, the cocktails must have gotten to Coach Kinzie. Rather than Raiders starter MJD, he chose *ahem* THIRD-string Saints running back Pierre Thomas. Members of “running back-by-committee” teams are fantasy football poison, and Chuckles took the bait big time. Pierre Thomas is one of the greatest Fantasy Football cock teasers of our generation. I wouldn’t touch this guy with Lawrence Taylor’s dick. (Who would you touch with LT’s tallywacker, hmmm?) Enjoy those 4 weeks worth of 2 point outputs, followed by that one week where he drops 35. Your funeral on this one.
Cardinals D/ST – Round 13, Pick 127
Maybe Chuck didn’t get the memo about the Cards losing their two top defensive players for the 2014 season – Karlos Dansby (free agency) and Daryl Washington (suspension) contributed two touchdowns, six interceptions, a handful of fumble recoveries and 9.5 sacks last season. Maybe Coach K didn’t realize that everybody pretty much ranked the Cards D at a low-ish number 8. Either way, the Cards were the fifth D/ST off the board, which was way too early. I’d have rather drafted Steve Smith or taken a flier on Nicks experiencing a miraculous recovery from Eli Syndrome. Picking a D/ST prior to your final two picks is a waste of time. Reaching for a team with a one season track record of dominance, plus the loss of the two players mentioned above… This pick left me wondering if the “Chowda” is impacting his late round decision-making.
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| Yeah, baby. Right in the ear. |
This could be a great pick due to the new offensive scheme in Baltimore from Coordinator Gary Kubiak. But Moltar knows and Zorak knows (and probably Chuck knows) that taking Pitta over guys available two and three rounds later like Vernon Davis (Pick 64), Jason Witten (Pick 66) and Greg Olsen (Pick 107) might have been a bit of a reach. Time will tell. This is Chuckles McGingervitis’ biggest reach of the draft. Not necessarily a bad pick, but certainly jumping the gun on the 2nd tier of TE’s. The human pita chip may pay dividends, but not Top 50 dividends.
Wet Coopers
Eli Manning – Round 7, Pick 62
This was an awful pick. Don’t know what else to say. Just awful. Undraftable player. Oh, and he’s one of your starting QBs. At least you paid your dues beforehand.
Clam Faces
Ryan Tannehill – Round 8, Pick 71
Two backup QBs with little to no upside. By Round 8, Sweens had 2 QBs, 3 RBs, and 2 WRs. There was a lot of start worthy RB/WR talent drafted between Tannehill and Sweens next at Pick 90.
E.J. Manuel – Round 13, Pick 130
Then, drafting E.J. Manuel to back up the back up in case the back up needed backing up only to drop him after the draft to pick up Cincinnati’s version of Mike Tolbert who doesn’t catch passes. Drafting magic.
Panty Droppers
Craig’s questionable picks came in the middle rounds. But I can’t really fault him on any of them because the available players he may have taken otherwise were in similar territory and could produce just as well. Perhaps taking Ray Rice instead of CJ1K (Pick 73; Round 8)? There you go.
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| Craig picked me WHEN?!?! |
Spooge Cups
I can’t look at any “pick” Dan made. He technically didn’t make any. Therefore his whole autodrafting scheme was his worst, and sadly, only “pick.” *double facepalm*
The “robodraft” as it is now called, will be analyzed further in another article. Stay tuned…
– Nightcrawler –
Overall, not a bad draft. To say that Sir Davy Jones took Andre Johnson (Round 4, Pick 35) and Trent Richardson (Round 8, Pick 75) both a little early is picking nits. I might have taken a WR in the third round instead of Doug Martin and then Gronk in the 4th, but what do I know? Nice work, X-MAN.
Muff Busters
Alfred Morris – Round 3, Pick 32
There were about half a dozen running backs available I’d rather have here, all of whom will catch many, many more passes this season than Alfred Morris will likely catch for the rest of his career. In a standard scoring, 10-team league, I can get on board with this pick, but I just can’t drink Lou’s Kool-Aid in PPR.
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| KEEPING IT REAL. |
Johnny Football – Round 10, Pick 92
Will he be fantasy relevant? In other words, when he plays will he produce? This may pay off and Lou will look like a genius, but we all know better than to believe in such things.
Khiry Robinson – Round 11, Pick 109
He’s not the passing down back in New Orleans, nor is he going to get the number of short yardage/goal line touches that Mark Ingram will. I could be way wrong about this, and again, Lou could play the role of draft genius and get all of the perks that come along with it. Like those that come with watching Conan the Barbarian staring Arnold Schwarzenegger released in theaters the year of my birth. Anywho, Robinson is quite the talented RB, and he may jump over Ingram and Thomas on the “depth chart” emerging as the go-to for the Saints. Frankly, I don’t trust Sean Payton that much.
I would have taken a shot at Knowshon Moreno here, who is running away with the starting role in Miami.
Quack.
Scrotum Smasher
Where do I begin? How about Chris Ivory in Round 12? Pierre Thomas wouldn’t touch Chris Ivory with Lawrence Taylor’s dick. Fred Jackson is insulted. Wait, I'll see your Chris Ivory pick at 120 and raise you Darren McFadden (#2 on the Raiders’ RB depth chart) at pick 60, taken 4 rounds before the Raiders starting RB: MJD. Ouch. Chris Johnson would have been better at this pick and still wouldn’t have been very good. Any RB would have been better. Oh, and what the hell was happening at pick number 121, you ask??? Scrotum-smashing draft master Tyno picked Bernard Pierce, who is starting only two games this year and then keeping the bench warm for Ray Rice. Double ouch. Running back cluster fuck. Shut it down.
Fightin’ Dildos
Zac Stacy – Round 3, Pick 23
Let’s compare some stats for a minute. Player A and Player B are both available at pick 23. Player A is a pass catching back who averaged 18.4 pts/gm in 2013 and is projected to score 15.5 pts/gm in 2014 for a team expected to play from behind a lot this season. Player B is not a major pass catching back and averaged 14.1 per game in 2013 and is projected for 12.8 per game this season. Who would you draft here? Let’s recap how we win games in our league: Head-to-Head points. And as Herm Edwards is fond of saying, “You play to win the game.” Thus, if A = B, B = C, the sun and moon are in the house of Leo, and if I farted last Tuesday, you clearly draft Ryan Leaf Zac Stacy here.
Player A is DeMarco Murray. Can you guess Player B?
Yep, it’s Zac. As of right now, Stacy isn’t the go-to back in St. Louis. Bradford toasted his ACL for a second time and is out for the season leaving a major hole in the offense. Now the Rams’ running game is a 1-2 punch of Stacy and Benny Cunningham, who just so happens to be plying on the majority of the offensive snaps. Balls-a-million.
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| Zac Stacy's neck |
Bootleggers
Good draft. Might have taken Cruz or Crabtree over Roddy White in the 7th Round. Nick did himself a favor handcuffing Shane Vereen by taking Ridley with the unpredictability of the Patriots running game. Instead of the handcuff, I would rather have taken MJD, a starter, or Sproles (10th round), who plays in a high-powered passing offense that’s going to use him more than people realize.
Notable BAD Picks:
Pick 1 – Aaron Rogers by Scrotum Smasher and Pick 2 – LeSean McCoy by The Wet Coopers
The worst picks in the first round were Pick 1 and Pick 2. Both Tyson and Blake passed up Peyton. There’s no excuse for this. To make matters worse, Big Lou got him at pick 3. Fuck balls. Tyson must have said “I don't want those extra 50 points (probably more) Peyton will get me this season,” and then Blake thought, “Hmmm, that's not a bad idea, I’ll pass up the number one QB, the number one point producing player in this league by a lot, for McCoy.” About as good an idea as smashing your scrotum in a door jamb… Yep. Good luck with Peyton, Big Lou. They really showed you how it’s done and left you with a difficult decision at pick 3…about as difficult as choosing between castration and chocolate cake. Ugh.
Worst Pick:
The title of Worst Pick goes to Blake who chose, *gulp*, Eli Manning in the 7th Round at Pick 63. The only thing going for Eli right now is that our league Commemorative Trophy may soon be named after him. We all know how that worked out for Ryan Leaf, don’t we? Wait. Do we? I don’t know. In any case, it’s bad.
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