In light of new evidence regarding the whereabouts of Coach Cozine during the 2014 451WWSR League Draft, the commissioner’s office has prepared the following statement:
Thanks to the top-notch detective work of Steven Seagal, the whereabouts of Coach Cozine during this season’s league draft have been confirmed. The discovery of not just his attendance (or lack thereof) but also his willing participation in an illegal underground drunken nude bobsledding ring is at best, not surprising, and will result in harsh penalties. At this time the office of the Commissioner will consider possible actions and sanctions against Coach Cozine, The Spooge Cups organization, and all other relevant parties involved. Without any precedent on record, evaluations will begin immediately to assess the severity of the crimes and determine subsequent reprimands. A press conference will be held once the Commissioner and Roger Goodell Ryan Leaf his advisory panel have agreed upon a suitable course of action. Currently there is no timetable for when these sanctions could be levied, but justice will be swift and sexy fair.
The Commissioner’s Office would again like to extend its deep thanks to Master Seagal and his team of investigators for their tireless efforts in uncovering the truth behind Coach Cozine’s absence.
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