Week 9 Recap: So close and yet so far

by John Travolta

This is my new album cover.  You guys like it?

What's up boners? Time to over analyze the week's West Wilson Street Revival fantasy football action! Actually, it was less action and more looking at computers and smartphones, but you get my drift.

This week we had close games and blowouts. Both epic battles and unilateral colon scraping. Truly, this has got to be the least predictable fantasy league in the universe, right? Right! So, we predictably hurdle through space to the playoffs. Not so certain, however, is the result of this year's suck-fest.

Who will part the waters of mediocrity and breathe life into his checking account? Who will sail toward a net payout of "$0.00 plus three months of scrounging the waiver?" And finally, who will be among those slain and strewn about at the base of Dick Mountain? Only the future will tell, in this crazy, crazy world we live in.

The following weeks are crucial to several teams we'll call "The 99%," all hovering at 5-4. In fact, a full half of our league belongs to that faction, which is mind-blowing given their name. The next weeks will separate the douches from the dongs, and the league is in dire need of some decisive (and divisive) results. You bastards love each other with the heart and soul (and dick) (and butthole) of Sigfried and Roy, but nobody is going to benefit from a 10-way tie.

For L. Ron's sake, sputum lips (and that's plural): Take the gloves off! Let the keyboards run red with blood! Ruin some lives! It's the fantasy football way.

After that look forward, here's our look back at the week's inanity (yes, inanity).


Banana Boats vs. Swashbuckling Kiesters
        117.3                       147.8

There really wasn't anything Coach Davy could have changed to beat out old Chuck this week. The Pirates just plain outplayed the Sack Slings. The stat that stands out is the discrepancy between Davy's Beanie Wells (5.3) and Chuckles' San Diego whale vagina's Mike Tolbert (24.2) and Antonio Gates (23.6). Everything else was pretty ho-hum and predictable. Boner of the week: Beanie Wells

Coach Kinzie was ebullient after the game:

"Ah yes... Sweet, sweet victory. It tastes so sweet... Davy doesn't remember it, but he bet me that since we'll both be in Minneapolis this weekend, that the winner of this game would teabag the loser. Well I'm looking forward to that more than I probably should be. Don't pass out, Jones!"

Testes Ticklers vs. Shrub Huggers
         145                       160

This game, at first glance, appears somewhat close. Actually it was not quite as competitive as it seemed. Tyson's Berry Blasters received a huge shot in the arm from Vincent Jackson (39.1), yet ANOTHER over performing Charger. Aside from that, things were pretty lopsided.

For every Tyson Michael Bush (20.9) or Pierre Thomas (19.1), Little Lou answered with an Arian Foster (26) or a Brandon Jacobs (20). And on top of that, Julio Jones came out of goddamn nowhere with 31.4 points. Oh yeah, and apparently Willis McGahee rose from the dead and scored 28.3 points for Lou.............'s bench. And if that weren't insult enough, Poor Tyson's defense, the Chiefs, got blown out by the winless Miami Dolphins, stealing two points from his bottom line. I guess that's what he gets for playing the Chiefs defense. Consider that move, Bonered (of the week).

Coach Lou was overheard after the game speaking with Darrius Heyward Bey (0.0):

"OK. In the last four games, you averaged almost 100 yards receiving. This week, zero.  Against the BRONCOS. What do you think this is, fucking Pee-Wee football? NO! IT'S FANTASY FOOTBALL, YOU BUM! NEXT WEEK IS SAN DIEGO!! THEY CAN PUT UP POINTS! YOU SEE VINCENT JACKSON? MIKE TOLBERT?? ANTONIO FUCKING GATES THE GODDAMN TIGHT END WHO SCORED TWENTY-SOME POINTS?? That's it. If this happens EVER. AGAIN. Death by a thousand cuts. I don't mean emotional cuts, I mean real cuts, with a manila envelope or something equally rigid and dull. I've got my eyes on you, Bey, and the streets will run red with your blood."

Yeesh, Lou. [I think he's serious!]


K-Town ...You're Fuckeds     vs.    Rochester...Name Change Addicts
            172.3                                                         121.2

Coach Cozine changed his name for the 4th or 5th time this season, to the very confusing --Rochester Not Means.  Is that a plea Cozine?  Are you saying that you want me to be nicer to you?  Do you think you're better than me?  I am confused.  Was there a memo about the name change?  What am I missing here?  Who is mean to you?  WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL US DAN?!?!?!!?

Sorry about that, let's talk about the game.  Philip Rivers had a day to remember, scoring 33.3 points in a losing effort.  That includes penalties for 3 interceptions, but it would not have been enough as the Bootleggers continued to steam roll everyone.  Cozine was not helped by Michael Vick's unusually meek fantasy output of 9.9 pts.  That was bad enough to earn Michael Vick his first, Boner of the Week Award.  No one is helping themselves when they take the field against the Drunk Dicks.  Coach Nick continues to play hunches, as his call to start Tim Tebow works perfectly.  Football Jesus racked up 28.8 points to lead AA meeting this week.  This is the only team that appears to have it's playoff spot locked.  Alot can happen, but no matter who that Bottle Sucker throws out there they score points. 

After the game Coach Nick was shockingly nice to his opponent:

I hope you don't mind, this week I prepared a formal statement. 

Coach Cozine,

Please allow me to be the first to to answer your request of kindness.  You deserve it.  Sure, you blew us all off to go lay on the beach to start the season.  So what, I probably would have blown everyone off too.  You heard me.  And then you may have pissed in everyones face when you walked in to draft a kicker, then left.  Big deal, you have huge balls, always have.  Some people disagreed when you decided to let a Malaysian drag queen coach your team.  Who cares, you fired him and learned your lesson.  Then your wife paid your dues.  You lucky fucker.  If only my wife agreed to write a check for my fantasy dues, but I'll be damned if that woman is going to have access to my money.  Bottom line, you are a nice guy.  Probably too nice.  You make Mr. Belvedere look like Hitler.  Please accept my congratulations on a wonderful season.  Truly something you can be proud of.  Everyone dreams of coaching a 4-5 team.  Play on playa!

Leiting, OUT!!



Black Action Lawsuit    vs    Kenosha Doody Geysers
          134.9                                           139

By sealing a very close victory this weekend, the Hershey Squirts have put together a winning streak at 2 games.  Due to the mediocrity of the East division, he is only two games back.  That is not a type-o, Big Lou...the Tractor Trailor is making a late season run.  The waiver wire is a game of numbers gentlemen.  They can't all suck.  Meanwhile, Coach Craig just can't seem to find a lineup that works.  Normally, this is where I would make a European related sexual intercourse joke to explain why Craig lost.  However, WWSW has learned that Moylan has actually returned stateside and was last spotted in Portland, Oregon.  Clearly making his way to Seattle for this weekends game.  That must be the reason for his valid lineup this weekend.  Well guys, no more freebies at Moylan's expense. 

The Blackies got amazing performances from their big 3; Matt Ryan, Eli Manning, and Ray Rice.  But, the Squirts just got more consistent performances across the board from unlikely sources.  Emerging fantasy stud Andy Dalton threw up 27.1 points, while the receiving corps of Wes Welker, Plaxico Burress and Antonio Brown combined for over 40 points.  This game was pretty evenly matched and ultimately came down to Sunday night's Steelers Ravens game.  Luckily for Lou Sr., it was not a Charger and Packers situation.  The Tractor Trailer did have the boner of the week, Knowshon Moreno scored 2.8 points.  We talked to the Senior after the game:

Well, I feel pretty good about how we played to day.  It wasn't like we fucked the prom queen or anything, but it was ok.  I'd feel alot better if we could score more than 140 points.  This is a good start though.  I am proud that the team has not given up hope.  No matter how frequently I show players the door, the guys that I bring back buy into the system.  Then I usually cut them too, I am not even sure who is on my team anymore.  I feel like my son's team is nothing more than guys that I have cut.  Can't wait to see that little shit in Vegas in two weeks.  Gobble gobble mother fucker.  What was I talking about?  Oh my strategy, it's what I like to call a "revolving door approach" to coaching.  There was a bit of a learning curve, but I think I am starting to get everyone to buy in to my system.  No matter how strange it may seem to the untrained eye, which is what I call every other coach.  I hate young people.

D.C. Clamela Anderson's    vs    Waukesha RIP Joe Frazier's
               146.7                                                 141.8

Aaron Rodgers is the baddest man in fantasy football.  If you compare top scorers in this game, there is no comparison.  Rodgers threw for 39.1 points, while recently un-retired Carson Palmer had 25.6 points.  Not close, right?  The problem for Coach Derr, was that the rest of his team was very anti-Rodgers.  No one was downright awful, but Rodgers was a hog amongst guinea pigs.  The next highest scorer for Blake was Michael Turner, with 14.8 points.  It was a true feast or famine game for the Rope-a-dopers. 

Somehow the Clamities put together a scoring barrage early on, this allowed DeSean Jackson to Boner it up with 2.8 points.  The Clams roster may look weak on paper, but if Drew Brees and Carson Palmer get hot during the final half of the season this team could blow people...away.  Rob Gronkoski threw down 24.1 points, which certainly didn't hurt.  Wait a minute, wasn't Gronkoski on the Hershey Squirts at one point?  Man, what player in this leagues has not been on Big Lou's team?

After the game Coach Sweens McDuck was clearly on mushrooms:

I am not a demon. I am a lizard, a shark, a heat-seeking panther. I want to be Bob Denver playing the accordion.  I want to make an image for myself as an outlaw type. A kind of rock 'n' roll sensibility.  Kurt Russell in Tombstone, but wearing ass-less leather chaps.  Grape colored panda bears are swinging anchors in the B-7 quadrant of my brain grid.  Football is like pickles, once you open the jar, good things come out.  How good was Carson Daly today?  He's on my team right?  Everyone!!  Look at John Travolta, he has his own head...where his mouth should be...it's awful... AHHH!!!!!!!!


I am not sure what happened, but he ran out of the room.  That man has lost his mind. 

Ok, get out of here.  Before you go, here is a hot chick.

Too soon?

Tea and a Couch...Tim Couch that is

article by Tim Couch

     Happy Friday everyone.  This week I have a very special guest, who goes by many names.  Many of you know him as Davy, but his formal name is Kurt Wagner.  Davy is the head coach of the Eastern Division leading Madison Banana Hammocks.   

Kurt Wagner, Demon

     After doing some research on the name Kurt Wagner, I came to a startling discovery.  According to X-Men folklore, Mr. Wagner also goes by the name 'Nightcrawler".  A mutant, Nightcrawler possesses superhuman agility, the ability to teleport, invisibility in deep shadows, and adhesive hands and feet. His physical mutations include blue skin, two-toed and -fingered feet and hands (not including thumbs), yellow eyes, and a prehensile tail.  According to certain texts, Davy Wagner is the bastard son of the devil.  This sounds like a guy I would not want to cross, yet you idiots play him every week. 

     To ease my anxiety, Nightcrawler Davy invited me to his banana plantation to take in some of the beauty Hawaii and  his delicious banana's have to offer.  As I pulled through the giant front gate (which was covered in men's underwear, naturally), I noticed several dark skinned folks walking the grounds.  Naturally, I assumed that they were slaves of some sort, but Davy assured me that they were simply random Hawaiians who roam his grounds looking for the lost treasure of Alohilani Punani.  Sounds made up, but who am I to judge. 

     Davy escorted me to a clearing with two hammocks, each hung from banyan trees.  It was a beautiful setting to pry deep into the psyche of one of the league's most evil geniuses.

TC:  Davy, thank you for having me out here.

DW:  My pleasure Tim.  It's not often we have visitors, at least not any more.

TC:  While I am puzzled by that last comment, I will let it go and dive right into some questions that I have for you.  What would you say is the biggest key to your success this season?

DW:  Tim, it was a lot of things.  First, I have a new lease on life.  Not everyday are you given a fully functional banana plantation in Hawaii to operate.  This plantation deserved a winning team, so I scraped my draft plans of the past and went with a new scheme.  You see Tim, by pulling my head out of my own ass this off-season, I was able to build a respectable football team and grow my business from just banana's, to banana's and hammocks...and hammocks for banana's...and tight fitting men's underwear/swimwear...we also make banana hammocks for ferrets now. 

TC:  This is actually a great segway into my next question, what is the story behind your name change for this season?

DW:  Quite frankly, I wanted to see how all of the other coach's would look in them, hence the beautiful photos every week. Not to mention the way they feel, ever so snug and supportive... I've said too much.  Let's just leave it as, a conscious business decision to further my growing business.  

TC:  Clearly you are spending less time there these days, but how has the city of Madison embraced these new winning ways?

DW:  Well, at first people where apprehensive, because I have hurt them before.  Then after a few weeks you started to see more rioting and cars being set a blaze.  Whenever I do head back to Madison, I generally find about 1,200-1,500 panties on my doorstep.  One of my cleaning ladies keeps them all in a box in my storage shed.  Now we have almost 17 boxes full of panties.  Can you imagine?

TC:  I actually can, there was a time where I had quite the panty collection myself. 

DW:  Really?

TC:  No.  Not really.  Talk to me about winning.  What are some of the perks between coaching a winning team and a losing team?

DW:  Well, just this week, some of the members of my team lured in some college co-eds with talk of Pucker and apple-tini's, for a late night pillow fight.  Last year, they could only convince the tranny hookers from the south side. That's a perk, right?

TC:  It sure is.  How did last years "Toilet Bowl" series affect you and your teams mentality going into this season?

DW:  Being in the "Toilet Bowl" was only part of the motivation. The real kick in the ass to improve came from constantly being compared to that heathen Nic Tyson.  Which was impossible to avoid, especially when you have two teams in the same city, with the same horrific record.  Those 3 games are probably one of the biggest black marks on my coaching resume.  Having fan-bases from the same city fighting over who was worse...it was just bad for the sport and the league. 

TC:  I agree, I have never seen anything quite like it.  You just mentioned the league, so let me ask you something.  If you were the commissioner, what changes would you make in the league?
DW:  One starting QB would be my big change. And there would be a few other ones in there, too. But being that I will see Charlie in a couple weeks, I'd like to go on the record saying that I love everything that he's ever done, or will do!! But, off the record, he's doing about as good as you did in your career as a QB, Couch.

TC:  Ouch, that was a shot wasn't it?

DW:  Sure was Tim. 

TC:  Kitty has claws after all.  Meeeeow.  This is something that I am going to ask everyone about this season, how do you feel about Coach Cozine's coaching choices/tactics this season?

DW:  Well, starting from the contribution to his team on draft day, I knew he would be pushover. It wasn't until the combination of demoting his boy-toy and reintroducing the "Jizz Bolts" name that I started to take him more seriously. Then I nearly doubled his score in week 7, so I'm back to laughing at him and wafting my air-poops in his general direction.

TC:  Air-poops huh?  Now I have heard everything.  Ok Davy, who would you say is your biggest rival in the league?

DW:  Well, I've never been able to figure out the riddle that is Blake Derr (big 'ol asterisk on this years outcome). And although I haven't played them yet, the Bootleggers seem like they'll be a worthy opponent.
TC:  Which team is least threatening to you?
DW:  Other than the British Columbia Lions that you led for a couple years, Tim, I'd have to say it would be Mrs. Moylan's Affirmative Blacktion. They're ability to start injured players and players on bye weeks is unparalleled to any other team in the league... even if they were getting Euro-trash poon.

TC:  If you could let one other coach run your team, who would you choose?
DW:  Anyone but Craig, Sweeney, Dan, Tractor Trailor, Lil' Lou, Tyson, Ginger nuts, Leiting or Blake. I guess that only leaves Cozine's little boy-toy, shit.  The Malaysian guy it is. 

TC:  Davy, thank you for your time and having me into your beautiful tropical paradise.  Let's finish this interview off, with Tim's Ten Questions.

How many gas stations would you say there are in America?
DW:  Counting the 2 by my house, probably around 45,002
TC:  If someone wrote a biography about your life, what would it be called?
DW:  Davy, all the things he didn't do.
TC:  Is Elvis really dead?
DW:  No chance, I saw him a few dozen times in Vegas this past July
TC:  Tupac?
DW:  Not sure, I recall Sweeney dressing up like him for Halloween some years back. He might know more than me on this front.
TC:  If you could speak to one type of animal, what would it be?
DW:  Birds, I would kindly ask that they stop pooping on my car.
TC:  Which sounds like a worse sex act: The Cosby Sweater or the Alabama Hot Pocket?
DW:  Alabama Hot Pocket
TC:  What do wood and alcohol have in common?
DW:  I've consumed both... in the same night.
TC:  How are M&M's made?
DW:  A thin candy shell on a load of rabbit poo.
TC:  If you could trade places with any active NFL player, who would it be?
DW:  Calvin Johnson
TC:  Which do you hate the most: Nazis, Communists, Al-Qaeda, or American Southerners?
DW:  What, Canadians aren't on the list? Commies.

This Week's Re-Cap...or...Underperforming Fecal Matter?

article by John Travolta

    
     It's actually a trick question, for you see this weeks re-cap is equal too underperforming fecal matter.  Two teams scored less than 100 points this week, which in the 1800's earned you a lynchin'.  This has to be the season of underperforming.  From individual players (Chris Johnson, Reggie Wayne, and Nate Kaeding), to individual teams (Black team,  Gay team, and...Dan's Gay team), all the way to my marriage...sexual potency...gayness...Best Buy stock? 

     Don't get me wrong, there were a few games that had some value.  Nic Tyson was never quite able to completely splatter Blake's man berries.  One touchdown, was all that separated a win from a loss (156.9 - 150.9).  It's amazing to believe that Tyson is playing meaningful games every week.  Even with the loss to the Right-Hookers, Tyson still finds himself alone in 2nd place in the West division.  Defying all sense of reason and logic, Nic Tyson called a press conference yesterday to issue an apology of sorts:

We may have overlooked the game this weekend.  I personally am to blame for this weeks loss.  Last week I made it very clear that I am gunning for Coach Olsen and his Topiary Ticklers.  In our preparations for this weeks game, yours truly may have been looking past this weekends game.  For that I apologize, but I will not apologize for the thrashing that is coming to Seattle this weekend.  It's open season on hipsters.  You hear me Seattle?  The streets will run black with Starbucks House Blend!!  You snuck by us in Week 1 didn't you puke slap?  Well,  the day of reckoning is coming.  Then after the game I am going to sprint to mid-field and punch you in the face, in front of all your fans.  I hate you, you fruity feather duster.

 Meanwhile, the other Madison team found themselves facing a terribly flacid Affirmative Blacktion team.  However, this past Sunday, Head Coach Craig seemed so relaxed on the side line.  It could have been the countless unprotected sexual escapades in the Netherlands, or that he actually had a valid lineup for a change.  Either way, his team played hard but eventually fell to every mans enemy, the Banana Hammocks.  Wagner has his team looking lean, mean , and slightly obscene.  I love seeing defensive lineman wearing those mid-riff jerseys that the coach insists his defensive line wear.  This is the way men were meant to play football. 

What happened?  Gay moment?  Damn it.  Well, if the season would have ended on Monday, both Madison teams would find themselves in the playoffs.  However, only Coach Davy and his Crotch Caressers are a "worst to first" story.  That's right, the Banana Hammocks are all alone in first place.  I know that this is hard to understand, but things change you see.  Rather than using Madison as a punching back, I have been reduced to talking about how relevant their teams are.  It is much harder than I imagined.

Ok, enough of my nonsense.  Here's what happened this week.


D.C. Deep Fried Appetizers    vs    Kenosha Hungry Drunks
             113.7                                                 149.5

The Bootleggers continued their quest for the Ryan Leaf Memorial Trophy, by stomping on the lifeless blobby form of the Clams.  Coach Sweeney had no answer for the DUI's, and it showed.  In the 4th Quarter coach Sweeney actually left the field, walked into the stands, up to a concession stand, ordered two hot dogs and a delicious beer, paid for them, walked back through the crowd, onto the field, ate one hot dog, drank some beer, ate the other hot dog, and polished off the beer.  Then looked up at the scoreboard, turned to no one and mouthed "We're still losing huh?".  Meanwhile, Coach Leiting spent his 4th quarter on the sidelines making Clam Chowder from scratch.  This guys dickery knows no limits.  I am not sure where he got the recipe for this chowder, but it called for a lot of Clam's.  Clearly Sweeney was unfazed, until he started opening bottles of whiskey and dumping them out on the field.  That just made Nick mad, which caused a running up of the score.  It did not help Sweeney Sweeney Cocoa Pop, that John Beck decided to be the Boner of the Week (5.3 pts).  Rather than shaking hands after the game, the two coaches agreed to punch each other in the nuts.  They were successful. 

After the game, it sounded like Coach B. Sween had no hard feelings:

I will fucking murder you.  (points sternly into camera)  You know I will Nick.  Mushroom stamp your forehead with my cock made of solid granite, then piss lava into your eye sockets.  Then I am going to make ass-hole chowder!!  Ok, that did come out right.  The point is, if I see you on the street, I am going to grab my dick and sling my middle finger in the air and just keep walking.  Suck my mineral dick.

Madison Hamaca de Banana    vs    Peligrosa Persona Negra
                 161.8                                            148.3

Normally the Spanish names would be funnier if Mark Sanchez had played, but Coach Davy called an audible (bye week) and went with Alex Smith.  Smith ended up being Wagners top scoring QB, since Tony Romo was too busy decorating baby nurseries on Sunday night.  On the other side of the field, Polish Punany King, Craig M., went with known Mexican sympathizer A.J. Feeley.  For those of you who may have joined us late, Coach M is currently taking the infamous "Euro-Titty Tour".  It has been a dream of his for many years, but the opportunity to go has clearly impacted his coaching this season.  He must have needed a break, the genitals can become sore and engorged, so he set a valid lineup.  This week, a valid lineup just was not good enough.  The Plantain Picker-Uppers got great performances from A.P. and Steven Jackson (33.2 and 35.1 pts respectively).  Coach Tits McBoobage, just does not have the fire power on that roster to keep up.  His Boner of the Week had to be Monterio Hardesty (0.6 points).  That guy got his big break and then got hurt almost immediately.

After the game Coach Davy gave us a word:

Anallingus

What?  Was that all he had to say after the game?  My producer is telling me, yes that was his official statement after the game.  Well, let's hear from Coach M:

Bonirvana 

What the hell is going on?  I don't have time for this.  Next game.  You two guys are fucking bizarre.   



 Kenosha Days in the Sun    vs.     Rochester Barf Noises
             117.5                                          88.2

You know you're having a bad day when Miami QB Matt Fucking Moore (12.6) scores more on the bench than your starter, Captain Dorkface McGee Phillip Rivers (10.9). The unlucky Squirts reversed their season's trend this week with a victory, having much of the juice come from unlikely sources. Sure, Anthony Dalton (15) and Christian Ponder(15.8) provided a more-than-adequate QB-waiver baseline, but players like Antonio Brown (21.7) and Kevin Walter (12) sealed the deal for Coach Senior.

Despite horrible, deplorable, disgusting performances from C.J. Spiller (2.9) and Jermaine Gresham (bagel), the elder coach was able to pull off an implausible victory with the help of the Bengals defense (20!) and Buffalo's kicker (12 and who cares what his name is).

Coach Cozine's Jizz Bolts didn't do much to prevent this unlikely defeat, with the Law Firm putting up a pathetic .9, Torain with a laughable 3 and the Cowboys defense/special teams actually subtracting two from the team's total.

That's nothing, however, in comparison to the shame of a Packers fan playing Minnesota tight end Visanthe Shiancoe (6.7). Was it worth it, Coach Dan? I hope so, because you still lost by 29.3. Traitor. Boner: CowpokesBenedict Arnold had this to say after the match:

"You know, I totally LIKE the Packers, but I live in Minnesota, so it's not really a thing. Sure, I root against the Badgers and for the Gophers, who are my alma mater, and I live in Minnesota and am married to a Minnesotan, but seriously, I'm a Packers fan. Seriously!"

That guy's integrity is totally in question, and I say that as a Hollywood Scientologist.

Hooray for the waiver wire finally paying off for the Crap Poopers.

Philadelphia Pissed About Last Week's Writeups    vs.    Seattle Writers
                             137.9                                                                93.5

On paper, this matchup skews in favor of last year's douche-champion. However, the Humpers' Giants depth-chart victor, Hakeem Nicks (12.7) this week paled in comparison to the real Victor, Mr. Cruz (22.9), currently in the employ of doucheramms los Pirates. Too bad, though, that Cruz sat dejected on the bench alongside Sidney Rice (17.2) for the Philadelphia Dickholes. Greg Lilttle (6), started. Chuck? Really? Dez Bryant is Dez-dun for the time-being at 5.8 points, and Jonathan Stewart produced a whopping 7.9 for Coach Kinzie.

But that's the end of the sad stories for the Ginger Jerker. Matt Stafford earned him 30 points and Frank Gore put up a stout 19.4. In fact, every player not previously mentioned broke into double-digits. All in all it was a pretty good showing from old Chuck, and Lou's Tree Fraggers really failed to produce. With an all-Jags D/ST and kicker scenario, plus playing an inactive Daniel Thomas at RB, it's no wonder Lil' Lou had trouble this week. It didn't help that his terrible QBs scored an average of 10.75 points while Matt Cassel sat on the bench at 11.8, but that wasn't going to save the day either.

Olsen the Minor was indignant after the match:

"I just got unlucky this week. I got outplayed at TE when I have the best one in the league, Arian Foster ruled with 19 points, Bradshaw did all that was expected of him. Chuck just got more points at every position than I did, and my D/ST and kicker were the worst decisions of my life so far, period. That equals a 45-point loss. That's just the math and reason of fantasy football."

He's right, he sucks. Terrible managing. [shudders] Boner: Daniel Thomas for not playing, like some sort of asshole.


Waukesha Earthtoys    vs.    Madison No-no Busters
            156.9                                       150.9

Coach Blake barely squeaked out this win against Tyson's reinvigorated crew of Madisonites this week. Propelled by a 30-point rockfest from wunderkind Cam Newton, not even Madison's respectable 23-point bottom two positions of kicker and defense could overcome. Blake probably got lucky with his fucking unbelievable 28-point performance from the Lions D/ST, but he's been dominating ever since Blake-gate, so there's really no arguing here. You know, except for Nic's incredible bitching:

"GOD DAMN IT. EVEN THOUGH EVERY LAYER BROUGHT IT TO THE TABLE, BLAKE'S HORSESHOE FUCKING ASS GOT 28 POINTS FROM HIS FUCKING DEFENSE? GAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

Boner: Vincent Jackson, for being the only player on the losing team with less than double-digits


A special thank you goes out to Brain Sweeney for making us these beautiful ecards.  As is tradition, here is a photo that Craig sent me.  I think i speak for all of us when I say, you unbelievable bastard. 

Weekly Re-Cap: Limp Dicks-R-U Guys

article by John Travolta

     You know, after last weeks face fuck, I honestly thought it could not get worse.  In my heart of hearts, I foolishly believed that the nonsense would end.  My soul told me that it was going to be the last week we had to drown our sorrow by sticking it to a Colombian UPS guy.  Well, guess what?  Thanks to you limp dickeroos, I had to re-mount Eduardo in order to muster up the moxie to even discuss this weeks events.  Personally, I blame Dan Cozine for putting the idea in my head to have unprotected sex with a Central American man.  Alright, enough about me, lets talk about you taint ticklers.

     In, "holy shit how did that happen" news, both of the league's Madison franchises are in the postseason discussion for their respective divisions.  If you could see my face, it looks suspiciously like there is a boner in it.  How, did this happen?  Davy Wagner and Nic Tyson have both turned Madison from the toilet bowl of the league into a classy executives restroom.  One with an attendant who offers you a nice spritz of  swanky cologne, like Tim McGraw or Antonio Banderas (actual colognes).  Congratulations, gentlemen. I never thought that I would see this day.  This turnaround should bring hope to the league's current cellar dwellers, the Kenosha Hershey Squirts and the Affirmative Blacktion...s.  If it can happen to the Madison boys, it can happen to anyone...and I literally mean anyone.

    But, the biggest news this week is the meteoric rise and fall of the Philadelphia Butt-Pirates.  Charles Kinzie, chemist, scientist, ginger....ran out of stuff to say about him.  The Ass Bandits seemed to have everything figured out, as they cruised to a quick division lead and a 3-0 record.  Then, Blake-Gate happened and Kinzie has never recovered.  Kinzie currently holds a tie for the second-longest losing streak in the league at four games.  And while his playoff aspirations are still alive and well, it is a stern reminder that no matter how much Ginger Power we possess, we are just creepy gingers.  Well, I'm not...but you know what I mean. 


Game Recap

Seattle Bad Sons   vs.   Kenosha Murderous Rampages at Christmas Just You Wait
       121.9                                                          105.5

This week we had a father-son face-off as the coaches Olsen squared off in a bloodline battle for family pride. Was that enough family references? Survey says yes.

The major difference-maker here may be boiled down to one player: Coach Junior's Arian Foster (46.4). He WENT OFF on the Titans, making up for a lackluster performance from QBs Joe Flacco (9.7) and Matt Cassel (2.2). Because Olsen the Lesser's margin of victory was only about 15 points, Foster's performance was crucial to the victory. Also crucial was the best TE in fantasy football (for the moment), Jimmy Graham, who earned an unconscionable 33 points. The supporting cast of those two superstars scored a total (TOTAL!) 52 points.

It was truly an unlucky week for Coach Senior, as his players generally put up respectable numbers. Doubly unlucky was the injury to Blount-backup Earnest Graham. That puts the Squirts into real RB trouble, but probably makes those who missed the boat on this shrewd waiver pickup feel a little better. Boners: Joe Flacco and Matt Cassel

Coach Olsen, Sr., fired fucking everyone:

"Fuck you, Folk, goodbye Graham, beat it, Browns defense. My God, McGahee. 5.6 points? Breaston, you were a bust and Branch, you can bite my balls. Son, when you see me coming, you'd better cross the street because I'm gunning for you and your lucky streak is about to end"

Let's hope an overhaul helps the embattled cellar-dwelling Hersey boys.

Rochester Horrible Weeks    vs.    Madison Bananactually Getting Respectables
           70.8                                                       139.8

Continuing the theme of horrible, Godawful, sour, blasted luck, Coach Cozine took a jizz bolt right to the chest this week, courtesy of his underperforming squad of probable homosexuals. I mean, he got it BAD. For instance, his highest scorer was the kicker he picked up off waivers after his single live draft pick (Nate Kaeding) decided to head home for the season with a boo-boo. Actually, the REAL kicker (see what I did there?) is that his biggest play was Kasay's 15 points.

That may have had something to do with the fact that Vick, Green-Ellis, Maclin and Manningham were all on bye weeks. Just maybe. That just goes to show that bye weeks are important to note when drafting. Maybe next time Coach Cozine will participate in the live draft instead of heading out to muscle beach to take in the scenery.

Reached for comment, Cozine spoke his mind thusly:

Just kidding, we didn't interview the son of a bitch. LOLZ.

Coach Davy was ebullient in his post-game interview:

"I couldn't have hoped for a better day. We had a good showing and managed to rout the Bolts, who clearly don't have their shit together. Dirty Sanchez is starting to wear the mustache of a champion and Purple Jesus walks on water once again. I fear that Marques Colston could be taking fantasy enhancing drugs, though. I'll have to check his ass for needle marks. Personally. On another note, I'm just happy we didn't have to play the Claymakers and set a new record for closest loss -- those bastards would have beaten us by 0.1 points. Yeesh."

Boner: Daniel Winston Cozine


Kenosha Lucky Fucks    vs.    Waukesha Anti-Postal Services
          167.6                                              139.9

How lucky can one guy possibly be?  Coach Leiting started Tim Tebow and DeMarco Murray, both recent waiver claims that the coach had hoped would just hold down the fort for a week.  Instead he got 26.9 from Tebow and 31.3 from Murray.  You son of a bitch.  Meanwhile your father-in-law hits the waiver wire harder than anyone else in the league and comes up with nothing.  This is the same guy who took Fred Jackson "because Jonathan Stewart was already taken."  Unbelievable.  It's hard to imagine a championship scenario that does not involve the Bootleggers playing for the Ryan Leaf Trophy.

Meanwhile, Coach Derr continued his boycott of the USPS by scoring the vast majority of his points through the air, which clearly implies his preference for UPS and FedEx.  His QB tandem of Rodgers and Schaub combined for the only five TDs on his entire roster.  Live by the QB and die by the QB.  Don't believe me, ask ginger pubes.  On a positive note, Coach Derr must have been thrilled to see that Mike Williams decided to put down his ginger-ale and Redbook to play football for the first time all season.

Boner of the Game: Nate Washington - 2pts and Percy Harvin - 4.3pts 

After the game, Coach Leiting was a dick:

"I am the greatest the world has ever seen.  Fuck the players, I am the coach.  Who do you think makes the pistons fire in this unstoppable 10 cylinder engine?  It's me, slut nuts!!!  Hey Blake, I was gonna mail you an apology check, but since no one mails checks any more, I ate your check and then pooped it out on my lawn.  It confused my dog, see, because it was bigger than a dog turd.  This team is so good, I have already cleared out a space on my mantle for Ryan Leaf's Action Figure.  It is going right next to my "Baddest Mother Fucker on the Planet" award, and my BET award for "Whitest Black Guy of the Millennium" Award.  Suck on that you labial folds.  Leit-man...out!!"

Man, that guy is an asshole.  Must not have ever heard the phrase "Gracious in defeat." Oh wait...


I Stopped Paying Attention Weeks Ago    vs    D.C. Thank Jeebus I Got to Play Craig
                      116.1                                                                 160.9

I have heard of throwing in the towel, but I am starting to wonder if Craig is too busy having promiscuous Euro-sex to set a lineup.  This week, he let Eli Manning show up, but there was no one there for him to play.  So, he played with himself, which in this game does not earn you any points.  Plus he played Felix Jones, which goes to show that his head is way to far up in the pussy clouds to set a valid fantasy football lineup.  If you want to look on the bright side, Craig was only one player away from the first WWSRL circle jerk.  Two men don't make a circle...they make a line.  Think about it.

What a wasted effort from Coach Super Sweens Clamaslammajammas.  The team put up a solid 160.9 points behind the always sexy Drew Brees.  Very rarely do I mention a kicker in these re-caps, unless it is to mock them, but an 18 point performance from Mason Crosby deserves a tip of my pilots cap. Quakster Jr, seems to have his team headed in the right direction as they now find themselves atop the East division. 

Boner of the Game has to be Coach Craig 

This is the first double coaching boner of the season.  You better believe that Sweeney had something to say about that after the game:

"Well, there is not a lot of pride in beating a team that only put eight men on the field.  However, I am sure that Blake is crying about it all the way to his Swiss vagina account.  Who needs wins when you can nail a chick in every European nation.  My only advice to Craig, wrap that shit up.  Sex lasts 2 1/2 minutes...for you, not for me, but Euro-crabs last for a few weeks with special shampoo and a tiny comb.  In order to celebrate our victory, I am taking the entire team out for International House of Pancakes, in honor of our opponents exploits.  I for one, am a sucker for a good stack of crepes."

Damn it Sweeney, now I want some stuffed french toast.  You bastard. 


Madison Scrotes McGotes   vs.   Philadelphia Colon Conquerors
                138                                                 111.9

Rothelisberger's (32.2) rise to prominence is indeed a terrifying one, and Cam Newton's (28.1) brilliant rookie season are truly paying dividends for Coach Tyson's ragtag team of ne'er-do-wells. Greg Jennings (27.7) continued to put up totally enviable numbers, and the rest of the Smashers performed at least well enough to get by.

Coach Chuckles, once the major challenger for clear hegemond Nick Leiting, has fallen on hard times. Matt Stafford, while winning games from here to Timbuktu, managed only 13.3 fantasy points while Tom Brady, Frank Gore, Aaron Hernandez and Victor Cruz sipped on gin and juice over the bye week.

This while the Scrotes' only spectators were Cedric Benson and the erratic David Nelson. Planning: It's a good thing, and Tyson this week reaped the benefits.

Boner: Billy Cundiff laid a big, fat goose egg


Tyson had the following to say to league nemesis Coach Olsen of the Humpers:

"You thought it was real funny last year, mocking my struggling team, didn't you? Guess what, uncle fucker -- I'm comin' to getcha. That's right. Target on your back, you forest fairy. Prepare yourself for The Humpening, in which you will be humped until my entire team is blue in the face. I'm calling you out, and even Travolta's on my side." [Points and stares for 30 minutes, unmoving]

Yikes! I have no idea what he's talking about, Lou. You know we're buddies, right?

In honor of all the sleaziness that happened this past weekend, here is a picture for you all to...enjoy?  See you all next week.

Wally Gives you the Kiss of Death.

article by: Lou Olsen

     It has become common knowledge that Wally is not great at picking these games.  In his defense, this is the second week we have done this.  He is shaking the rust off I think.  Then again, even last year he was pretty bad.  I do not have the exact numbers in front of me, so feel free to check my stats, but I feel like he was wrong more often than right. 

     That being said, a name change is in order.  Wally does not like to loose, so this is also to stroke his ego a little bit.  It's dog psychology. 

    You guys remember...that time we let Wally pick the draft order?  That...that was my bad.  I pitched that idea. 

    I know it is a little late, but I have been crying a lot lately.  The Brewers...well, you all know so there is no need to discuss it further.  Plus there's the drinking and drug use,  mixed with the closeted homosexuality.  But I am working through that.  What the hell was I talking about?


Wally's Picks 

Scrotum Smashers    vs    Butt Pirates

Tough luck Nic.  Wally can't even look at you.

Affirmative Blacktion    vs    Clam Faces

Craig, ouch.  There's always next week...or not.  Wally decides.

Bootleggers    vs    Claymakers

Up yours Uncle Nick.  I stomp on your paper.

Tree Humpers    vs    Hershey Squirts

Haha Dad, oh wait that's me.  Shit.

Jizz Bolts    vs    Banana Hammocks

Well Davy, he's ashamed he didn't pick Dan. 

Tea and a Couch...Tim Couch, that is.

article by Tim Couch

Hello everyone.  You may know me from my time as the QB for the Cleveland Browns.  Or perhaps you remember me as "Mr. Kentucky Football", 1995.  No?  Oh, you probably know me from those Top 10 lists.  Which one is not important.  Fine, I am huge fucking failure.  Sure, I was great in High School, but it seems like so was everyone else.  I threw 80 touchdowns in college...at Kentucky!!  Why did they think I would be good in the NFL?  1st overall!!  Nobody drafts a FOOTBALL player from Kentucky, with the 1st overall pick.  It wasn't my fault, it was ESPN's. 

Oh, well it really doesn't matter because my wife is smoking hot.  Plus I'm rich.  Now I get to interview the coaches of the greatest fantasy football league in the land.  This is my shot at redemption.  So, I have no intention of wasting it.  Over the next few weeks you will see the finest journalistic work you have ever seen.  I am going to make Katie Couric look like a garden variety prostitute.  Over the last few days I have been reading Leaf's interviews.  That guy could not ask the tough questions.  Believe me, that is about to change. 

Photo courtesy of Davy Wagner, I assume he got it at the History Channel website.

This week I will be sharing tea with WWSRL Commissioner, Charles Roger Kinzie.  Not only is Kinzie the leader of the fantasy football free world, he is also the coach of Philadelphia's 2nd favorite football team, the Butt-Pirates.  In his 2nd season as commander-in-chief, Chuck has expanded the league to 10 teams as well as implementing a new scoring system.  Under his watch things have been firm, firm but fair.

Kinzie invited me to his horse stud farm in the suburbs of Philadelphia.  He had me picked up from the airport in a limo, complete with Crown Royal and RC Cola.  When I arrived, he handed me some tea and rushed me to a couch he had made specifically for this meeting.  Chuck had the couch made by the kind Amish people who are native to the great state of Pennsylvania.  After watching a quick round of "studding", we got down to business. 

TC:  Charlie, thank you for having me out here.  It is beautiful.

CK:  I love living here.  It is such a peaceful place.

TC:  I'd like to start today by getting something out in the open from the start.  There has been some unpleasantness this season.  One thing in particular, has really put a black mark on the decency of this league.  It really needs no introduction...of course, we are talking about...Dan Cozine missing the draft.  Everyone is still really pissed off about what happened that day.  What was it like form your perspective?

CK:  (sighs and takes a sip of coffee, Earl Grey perhaps)  5 minutes before the draft was going to start, I noticed that Dan had not entered the lobby yet.  This tardiness was very unlike Cozine.  So, rather than making a scene, I texted Dan to remind him about the start time of the draft.  His response to me was something along the lines of:
I set auto draft list...I'm on the beach...I'm gay...Fuck you guys...
I responded to his insolence, with a simple:  LAME!!
In the back of my mind I'm still holding out hope that he is going to show up.  Then the draft started and there was no sign of Dan, until the 11th round.  Dan walks down the aisle, wearing nothing but a speedo and some swim goggles.  Cozine walks up to the podium and waits until it's his pick in the 12th round.  That whore walked up to microphone and drafted Kicker Nate Kaeding, kicked over the podium, and walked out the door.  Naturally, I assume that he went back to the beach, were he sipped on redneck martini's (Bud Light with Olives) straight from a Goldy Gopher glass. 

TC:  Wow.  No wonder there was such an uproar from the league.  What a blatant show of disrespect to everything that this league stands for.  I can't wait to interview Coach Cozine to ask him about his outrageous behavior.  Speaking of outrageous behavior, there has been some other bally-hoo going on in the league lately.  Talk to me about the current Blake crisis.  How has it impacted the 2nd season of the league?  Has it been resolved?  Will Blake stay in the league?  How did it come to this?

CK:  This interview is way too serious.  The season has not been impacted too severely by this whole thing.  It would be nice if I could focus on making the league better, instead of spending time having to wipe up Blake's sopping vagina on a weekly basis.  Quite frankly I am fed up with his constant complaining.  Why is it my fault that he can't read?  Why is it my responsibility to draw out the rules for him in Jumbo Crayola crayons?  I can only hope this incident is not as distracting to the rest of the league as it is to me.  Personally I was most upset by him calling out the rest of the league and then demanding wins under threat of quitting the league.  It was the first act of terrorism our league has ever witnessed.  This is a situation that was completely avoidable.  Plenty of notice was given.  The payment rules were clearly placed on the league homepage and the blog.  E-mails were sent in order to remind Blake.  The man is impossible to get a hold of.  Oh, and by the way, every member of the league paid by check, through the mail. So suck on that Derr.

This is actually Tim Couch's wife.

TC:  It is something that really puts everyone in a bad mood.  You never want to see terrorism in sports.  Chuck, this is another tough question.  I hate to keep doing this to you.  What was it like to relocate the team from a players paradise like Chicago, to the godless heathen fans who inhabit Philadelphia?

CK:  Shh.  They don't actually know yet.  I've given the entire city of Chicago a cocktail which consists of whiskey sours, Valium, and Xanax.  The Xanax is in case they do find out, it will be easier for them to take. 

TC:  Charlie, that is a bombshell.  No wonder the city doesn't seem to care how bad the Bears are.  If you were trapped on a dessert island and you could take 1 movie, 1 book, and 1 video of a sports season, what would you take?

CK:  BASEketball, Dune, and the '85 Bears

TC:  Good choices cock, beer? 

CK:  What?

TC:  Nothing.  Chuck any comment on the possibility of expanding the playoffs to 6 teams next season?

CK:  I don't know what you are talking about....

TC:  Are...are you sure?

CK:  Drop it Couch!! 

TC:  Okie-dokie.  As a coach, who do you fear the most?

CK:  The Bootleggers.  Coach Leiting has the team to beat right now.  They are hands down the best.

TC:  In that same frame of thought, which team do you fear the least?

CK:  Big Lou's team.  Nothing personal...your team sucks Mr. Olsen.

TC:  Let's stay with this, if you could have one other coach in the league run your team, who would it be?

CK:  Probably Lil' Lou.  He seems to be...wwwwwith it!! (it sounds just like it reads)

TC:  Chuck, what are the odds that I could get a tryout...to play for the Butt-Pirates as 3rd string QB?

CK:  Not good.  Like, ice cube in hell not good.

TC:  How about assistant QB coach?

CK:  Still no.

TC:  Fair enough.  Now it's time for Tim's Ten Questions!! 

How many gas stations would you say there are in America?

CK:  37,000

TC:  If someone wrote a biography about your life, what would it be called?

CK:  Master of Disaster: Where did it all go...right?

TC:  Is Elvis really dead?

CK:  No

TC:  Tupac?

CK:  No, I'm fairly certain they are roomies.

TC:  If you could speak to one type of animal, what would it be?

CK:  Mongoose

TC:  Which sounds like a worse sex act: The Cosby Sweater or the Alabama Hot Pocket?

CK:  Alabama Hot Pocket

TC:  What do wood and alcohol have in common?

CK:  Whiskey is matured in burnt oak barrels.

TC:  How are M&M's made?

CK:  As President and CEO of the Butt-Pirates franchise, am not at liberty to share that information with you.

TC:  If you could trade places with any active NFL player, who would it be?

CK:  Tom Brady

TC:  Which do you hate the most: Nazis, Communists, Al-Qaeda, or American Southerners?

CK:  Bastard!  American Southerners because I feel like there are more of them.  That gives me so much more to hate. 


I would like to thank our fearless leader for taking some time to sit with me in the countryside and share some of this thoughts.  After the interview we spent the afternoon frolicking with the studs and playing very aggressive game of Bocce Ball.  Turns out Mr. Kinzie takes competitive Bocce to a whole new level.  Truly terrifying. 

Happy Birthday Chuck.
















 

Week 6 Recap: Jesus Pantyflinging Christ

by John Travolta

Another Sunday(/Monday), another bag of unpredictable and, dare I say, nonsensical fantasy football numbers. These results make about as much sense as me playing a tough biker. Three games were decided by fewer than two points, which has gotta be some kind of goddamn record. We're also getting into the part of the year when waiver wire pickups are a factor, sometimes providing a free boost to managers who pay attention and often raining down crushing blows by defying the high-flying prophecies of the fantasy analysis oracles. The ride isn't going to get any smoother from here on out, unless your name is Nick or Blake, so hold on. (And if your name is Nick or Blake, I'd like to invite you to the Travolta man-cave, if you know what I mean)

As a harbinger of what's to come, please enjoy this video of Coach Cozine and Coach Sweeney amicably shaking hands after the Jizz Bolts walked away with a 1.5-point victory:

Fasten your seat belts for a bye-ful week 7, folks, and let's take a look at this week's results.


Waukesha Gayshakers vs. The Alaskan Quacktion
              129.9                                       129

Holy shit, it's another barnburner, folks. Coach Derr wins by less than a nose - maybe a nose hair. Aaron Rodgers (29.9) continues to dominate the competition, while disappointing days from Moylan's Mashers  Felix Jones (5.3 - and an injury to boot) and Roddy White (4.1) put the rain cloud precisely over Horrible Male/Female Ratio Stadium in Alaska. To add insult to injury, playing Santana Moss (5.8) or Johnny Knox (6.1) of Moylan's beloved Bears would have given him the victory. It all came down to -- wait, am I reading this correctly? Yes, it appears Hell has frozen over, and Plaxico Burress (2.6) pushed Coach Derr right into the land of hegemony. Boner: Felix Jones for getting injured

Reached for comment after Monday's game, Coach Derr had this to say:

At first, I thought I would try a new strategy. I could crush him like an ant, but it would be too easy. No, revenge is a dish best served cold. I told myself I'd bide my time until the very last minute, when I decided to just crush him like an ant. Why does that sound familiar? Oh, right. I think Mr. Burns said that once. Well, I guess that's appropriate since I'm the one who's gonna be $225 richer in a couple of months.

Madison Bananagrams vs. Seattle Extreme Nature Lovers
                 124.4                                         156.1

What a banner week for Coach Olsen. Not only did he outscore Coach Davy J. by more than 25 points, his bench more than doubled the Madison misfit's. Both teams had a pretty decent output, but Ahmad Bradshaw (33) took the game out of reach for the old DJ. That's a shame, since Romo and Sanchez had damn fine weeks at 18.4 and 20.5 respectively, and Colston (24.8) really made a statement. It was the bottom three that showed the true double-divergence between these teams this week. Coach Loudog's Jimmy Graham (TE) blew the lid off with nearly 20 and his Jets defense matched that Monday night. Alex Henery, kicker for the Eagles didn't do too shabby either, with eight. In contrast, the Nanas' back end scored a whopping 2.8 points total. Ay caramba. Boners: Vernon Davis, Saints D/ST and Ryan Longwell

Coach Olsen responded to the victory after the game:

I just hope this team can get back on track now that we're at .500. I am feeling so good though, about our future, that I think I'm going to go put some rouge on to seal the deal. And maybe a nice, high-quality wig -- brunette, because I'm a bad girl. BOY. I mean boy. I've said too much.

D.C. Chowda Faces    vs    Rochester's Electric Semen
          100.2                                        101.7

I am not sure who's second QB was worse, the Clam Strips with Rex Grossman (-2.3 pts), or Zeus Splooge with Matt Moore (4.2 pts).  How do you compare a garbage bag full of horse shit to a garbage bag full of horse piss?  You can't.  This was the lowest scoring game of the week, which is very uncharacteristic of a Sweeney/Cozine showdown.  You may remember when they got into a fist fight after last years regular season finale.  Sweeney took offense to Dan winning, Dan disagreed.  As The Malaysian Man hand Coach Cozine approached Sweeney for a post game handshake, Sweeney whipped out his balls and placed them in his opponents hand.  After an initial stare-down, Cozine flicked the insanely smooth ball sack with his middle finger.  The rest, as they say, is history. 

Coach Cozine will take this weeks Boner Award, for falling for the Ryan Torrain hype.  That pick-up payed off in a tit pinching 2.2 points...which was actually the difference in the game.  Huh.  Guess I sort of walked right into that one.  So, good job?   I went to the press conference to tell you in person, but then I saw something truly disturbing.  Coach Cozine, alone, in the post game hot tub.  I couldn't help but ask him were his Malayasian Man-Puppet was:

Oh, he is visiting his mother Azzlina.  She has not been feeling well, so I made sure to pack him lots of chamomile tea and all kinds of special lotions.  I don't want him bringing back any freaky-deaky Malaysian diseases with him.  You never know what kind of creepy crawly things he is going to come back with.  One year he brought me a salamander...at least I think it was a salamander.  Well it was dark, and I noticed it's lack of arms and legs.  It kind of felt like a moist sausage...and it didn't move.  Ahh, it was a penis.  Just put that together.  What was the question? 

 Philly Fart Fencers    vs    Kenowhere AA Meeting
           131.1                                     159.4

This was a battle of the two highest scoring teams in the league this year and they did not disappoint.  Have you ever watched two swordfish fight on the surface of the sea?  Me neither, but I assume it would be kind of like that.  The biggest impact on this game was what Pierre Thomas did not do.  Boner of the Week - Pierre Thomas was able to force out a 0.6 point performance, which virtually doomed the Glory Hole Hooligans.  In order to beat the Alco-Klepto's, you have to have a few big performances.  Coach Nickelback does not have any big number guys, but he has a team of guys averaging 15 points a week...every...single...week.  Coach Ginger Spice could not even rely on his usual work horses, Brady and Stafford, to keep him in the game as both found themselves in tough defensive battles all afternoon.  Rendering them nothing more than good. 

Could we have witnessed a playoff preview?  Maybe, but this league is so mediocre that it is impossible to know.  One final note about this game, Coach Nickelodeon had no choice but to start this lineup.  He deserves zero credit for how well this victory worked out, because he had absolutely no choice.  4 Bye's, an injury, and Delone West....who the fuck is Delone West.  Clearly this was an easy lineup to set.  I tried to make him feel stupid about it after the game, FAIL:

Mr. Travolta, why would you ask such a stupid question.  Did you ever think that maybe I built my lineup specifically for this weekend?  Hmm.  Did you ever think that maybe I pay attention to the Bye Weeks when I am drafting?  Do you see me quesitoning you for wearing a ladies fat suit for a movie re-make of a Broadway musical, which was already a re-make of an 1980's John Waters film?  No!  We play the cards we are dealt Barbarino.  You stupid Italian homo!  Do you see me stopping by the set of Old Dogs to ask you, 'Hey John, couldn't you have had a better cast?'  No!  Because I am a strong, smart, totally straight man.  How about giving me credit for taking down a ginger?  Isn't that something your (makes quotation hand gesture) "religion" encourages?  You had better hope that Tarantino writes a script about a fat old closeted Italian man, who writes for a fantasy football blog.  If not, this is about as good as it is going to get for you.  Me, I am going to go home, do my taxes, stuff a ram I shot in Canada, and eat a ram steak.  Enjoy your post game hot tub. 

 Keno Shitty Pebbles    vs    Madison Tissue Trouncers
          128                                               129.2

The Hershey No-No Kisses season has been plagued by injuries and under-performance from franchise players.  Peyton Hillis continues to be nothing more than a white guy.  We all know that white guys do not make good running backs...at least not anymore.  Hillis left his coach high and dry by giving him 1.4 points.  That earned him a Boner this week. On the other side of the field, Nic Tyson has erased any memory of last season by delivering his 4th consecutive victory.  Wow...I never thought the day would come that I was impressed with Nic Tyson.  Then I took a look at his Kicker, who happened to score 20 points. 

Once I realized that Billy Cundiff was Tyson's 2nd leading scorer (Mendenhall had 20.6), all of that newfound respect vanished quicker than a scrotum in the snow.  Tyson's team is led by a common restroom rapist and a dirty liar and cheater.  Two men who truly symbolize what Tyson means to this league.  After the game, I asked Tyson to talk about what it felt like to steal something from the clutches of an old man.

Football is a game of inches.  Today I was able to sneak myself by the Tractor Trailer, probably sometime between Desperate Housewives and Modern Family.  He probably had a glass of red wine and was a little sleepy and I managed to sneak through his living room and right out the front door.  If it takes a kicker scoring 20 points to pull of a little extra ninja stealth, than so be it.  I honed my skills in High School, for I had a nosey mother you see.  Late, after a night of drinking Milwaukee's Best...Light, I would traipse home and have to sneak by my mother on the porch.  My years of training have made it virtually impossible for old people to stop me.  You would think it was the rugby, but it was actually the sneaking by my mom.  The rugby helps me to break hips and cash life insurance policy checks.  That's right, I'll kill your old person.  If the price is right.

 Thanks for reading, ladies. As your reward, here's a jack-o-lantern idea for the upcoming holiday:

COWABUNGA!!