Week 8 Re-Cap

article by Lou Olsen

Gentlemen...

It is with a heavy heart that I take over this weeks re-cap.  You may have noticed that there was no re-cap last week.  The reason for this, is that WWS Weekly contributor Murray passed away.  On Sunday morning, he woke up and was unable to move his legs.  After two days of eliminating possible reasons for this problem, the doctors ran out of possible treatments and he passed.  It was virtually impossible for me to think of anything other than my dog last week, and Schwimmer still can not bring himself to come into the office. 

Sorry to bring you down, but I consider you all my friends and I wanted you all to know that I was not sitting around taking bong rips...although that probably would have curbed some of the crushing pain. 

So, before we start, if I am a little more bitter and dickish than Schwimmer...deal with it, I am grieving. 


Lansing Clam Faces vs. K-Town Bootleggers
             132.8                           143.8

I can sum up this game in one name, Zuerlein.  What's that you say?  You have no idea who the fuck that is?  He is the Clam Faces kicker, and for all intensive purposes his 1 point was the biggest reason the Michigan Chowdas couldn't take down the BAC's.  The Sweensickle Kids need to get their shit together and fast.  But the truth is, who gives two shits about Sweeney's spiral into inevitable heroine addiction.  The real story here is Calvin Johnson.

What is wrong with Megatron?  Or, if you want to change his nickname to fit his play, Bonertron.  This week he scored 7.6 points, which by the math of this game, makes him 2 points better than Brandon Weeden.  Coach Brother-In-Law needs to figure out a way to motivate that African-American freak of nature.  What do black dudes like?  Watermelon, chicken, ugly white chicks, and strip clubs.  Or maybe all 4 at the same time.  But the truth is, without his mojo...Bonertron is nothing more than a handsome dude in an Acura commercial. 

Boner of the Week: Das Booter Zuerlein (1 pt)


Waukesha Claymakers vs. Madison Scrotum Smashers
              108.8                                         107.2

In a classic battle to NOT finish in last place, Coach Blakey Cakes rolled into Madtown to tangle with the reigning Champs.  This game really has to make you wonder if the 2012 edition of the Shorned Scrots have what it takes to repeat.  The Play-Doh Sculptors even gave Coach Tyson a free gift by starting a kicker on his bye week.  In the end, that horrible coaching decision made absolutely no difference.  Normally this is the part where I would bash Blake for his incompetence...but, good job...I guess.  

The bottom line is, the Champs live and die by their RB's.  Jamaal Charles and Ahmad Bradshaw combined for 9.8 points.  That type of performance is going to institute far more nut gnashing against you, than for you. 

And on the flip side, the Claymakers have won 3 straight games and seem to have figured things out.  It is hard to not associate his teams turnaround with the turnaround of Aaron Rodgers.   The question is, will it be too little too late? 

Boner of the Week: The fact that Denarius Moore was the leading scorer in this game with 20.6 pts. 


Rochester Spinning Cosmos vs. Kenosha Fightin' Dildos
                   127.4                                          98.4

Let's be real, there is no reason that either of these teams deserved to win this week.  Coach Cozine left Jordy Nelson in his starting roster, even though he was held out due to injury.  And my old man got single digit performance from 6 players on his roster, including -5 pts from his D/ST.  This game was ugly, pointless, and hopefully not one we will ever have to re-live.  

The Space Sandy's finally saw signs of life from 2nd round pick Eric Decker, as he threw down 20.3 points without falling down.  And on the other side of the field, Peyton Manning continues to be the hands down BEST keeper going into this season.  The 61 year old version of me, kept Manning on his IR all of last season and then decided to give up Welker, Jennings, and Jordy Nelson in order to keep  him...and I would have to say it has paid off.  Manning put up a third of the Dildos overall points (30.6).  

If you actually paid attention to this match up, may Honey Boo Boo have mercy on your soul...

Boner of the Week: Me, for having to actually write about this game   


Madison Banana Hammocks vs. Affirmative Blacktion
                 119.6                                          114

In an epic battle to be re-named next season, the Cock Cots traveled to...Whothefuckknows, Alaska to take on a team with only one win on the season.  Even though this should have been an easy victory, Davy Wagner and his satanic Mr. Pibb coach thought they would give the good people of Madison another reason to puke on Sunday. 

My favorite part of this game was watching Philip Rivers and Jay Cutler dook it out (that spelling is intentional).  It's hard to know who is worse, or who I want to kick in the dick more.  Both look like they could break into tears at any second, like pre-menopausal women watching "The Bridges of Madison County".  So, if you could take one thing from this game...Jay Cutler and Philip Rivers are fucking pussies.  It is no mystery why these are two of the worst teams in the league this season.

Boner of the Week: The Dynamic Vaginal Duo: Jay Cutler (7.8pts) and Philip Rivers (6.2pts) 

He would drink "Pickle Juice"...

Philadelphia Butt Pirates vs. Sandusky Disciples
               184.6                                   182.1

This was maybe the best game of the 2012 season.  Yes, I am a little biased, but look at this score!!!  Also keep in mind that you had 4 players score at least 35 points (Brady, Stafford, Martin, and Witten).  Only 4, out of a possible 20, score in single digits.  And this game came down to Darren Sproles on Sunday night.  Who fell just 2.5 points short.

I will spare you all of the details, but this game was a huge throbbing cock in a week of erectile dysfunction.  Even though I lost to King Ginger Balls, I would have beaten EVERY single one of you.  And if it wasn't for Jason Witten's 18 catches...18 FUCKING CATCHES!!!!!! FOR A TE!!!!  Is Tony Romo that shitty of a QB?     Romo only completed 36 passes...THAT IS FUCKING HALF!!!!

In a sign of good sportsmanship, Chuckles did reach out to me to apologize on behalf of Witten and his complete and total douche-baggery.  It is because of that, I am only pissed off at Jason "Inverted Penis" Witten.  Truth is, I am not that pissed off at all.  This was an awesome game and I am proud to have been a part of it.  The rest of you should be ashamed of yourselves for not being in this game.

Boner of the Week: Tony Romo for being a complete and total Fuck-head


This one is for me.  If you don't like it...tough taint skin.

 

Week 6 Recap

Hey Gang!

So, turns out that this was the week for under performance.  We had one team fail to reach the century mark, while another just snuck over.  Only 3 teams scored more than 150 points, which is WAY below the usual for this league.  It was either good defense, or a complete and total coincidence.  I was in a movie about this very topic once, be sure to watch The Pallbearer.  Streaming now on Netflix.  Also, they just added season 11 of F-R-I-E-N-D-S.  It was a good week to be David Schwimmer, and 5 other dudes.  Let's see who was lucky enough to feel the Schwimmer Winner Vibe.


Madison Banana Hammocks vs. Sandusky Disciples
                 (171.3)                                     (140.6)

Powered by monster weeks from Dez Bryant (34.5) and  sophomore A.J. Green (32.5), Coach Jones (aka Mr. Pibb of Hades), if that is his real name, surged past the Noodle Teasers this week. Despite his 2-4 record, Davy may have the best team in the East. Read: Peterson (19.9) and McGahee (13.8) have found the fountain of youth; Lloyd (14) and Nicks (7.4 in an off week) round out his WR corps; and his second-tier players are all paradoxically top-tier.

Artists Depiction of Coach Davy Jones Today

That's not to say that Olsen XIV isn't without his superstars as well. His gamble on RGIII is paying massive dividends (37.1), and Matt Stafford (23.1) is damn reliable. He also made massive waiver claims on Wednesday, picking up Janikowski, Kendall Wright, Jared Cook and [snrk] John Skelton. Most of those picks improve his team -- in theory. We'll have to see how he fares next week against Big Poppa Dildo next week.

Boners of the week: Mendy (2.7) and what was supposed to be a formidable Seahawks D/ST (0)


Waukesha Claymakers vs. Affirmative Blacktion
            (132)                                   (111.6)

Well, the Blacktion's struggles continue, as Coach Craiggles moves to 1-5 vs. a re-energized Waukesha team. Blake has expressed concerns about the performance of Aaron Rodgers, but aside from a couple of weeks in the teens, he's been outstanding. This week, he scored approximately a Bajillion touchdowns and racked up an eye-popping 51.2 points. Yowza. Unfortunately, the rest of his team still looks pretty lean. Perhaps some clever trading is in order?

The fantasy gods conspired against the poor Moyle of the Northlands, injecting two slumping pineriders with a dose of derring-do dong: Antonio Gates (26.1) previously averaged just over 5 points per game, and the erratic Russell Wilson managed 29.4, dwarfing Philip Rivers' (9.7) week 6 total. Tough break, Craiggles (why haven't we called you that before?).

Boner of the week: Philip Rivers and Alex Smith (2.5)
Stud of the week: Just guess.


Kenosha Fightin' Dildos vs. Madison Scrotum Smasher
               (100.6)                                (150.2)

Coach Nic "No K" Tyson may be experiencing somewhat of a renaissance here, with a strong showing this week. Sam Bradford (24) stepped up for him, and his WR/RB corps looks good, aside from its "Jamaal Charles Situation." With three weeks of 18+ points (and one of 40.8!) balancing out off-weeks of 8.7, 5.2 and now 6.7 points, he gives new meaning to the word "gamble." Add that uncertainty to the loss of Kevin Kolb (15.7) for several weeks with a rib injury, and the team does have holes in its armor.

I was pleased to see that Michael Turner put up a fart noise-worthy 4.9 points this week -- because fuck that guy. The Mannings (28.2, the elder; 13.5, the younger) continue to put up reliable numbers for the KFDs, but the Flaming Phallus...(es?) show major weakness at WR, with Cruz (17.8) the only reliable dingleberry on the dong. Time to make a move.

Boner of the week: Antonio Brown (6) with an uncharacteristic under-10 performance

No Joke, these are clam chowder Doritios...

Lansing Clam Faces vs. Rochester Spinning Cosmos
            (96)                                       (185.1)

I know what you are thinking, you are thinking "Hey Ross, that was a type-o, right?  You meant 1-96."  Alas fair readers, Coach Sweeney and company might as well of dropped trow, pitched steamy loaves on the sidelines, and lumped right back on the Greyhound bus back to Michigan. When your top offensive scorer only puts up a half a point more than your defense (Andre Johnson 15.5pts and Bucaneers D/ST 15pts), you should go to the grocery store...buy yourself a nice big cucumber and....well....use your imagination...around here we call it the "self-Sandy".   

Congratulations are in order, however.  The Clams are the first team in 2012 to not break 100 points in a game.  Their prize?  An autographed Nate Kaeding nude photo.  Actually it is not quite Nate Kaeding, it is a certain actor who may be trying to break into the porn business if they don't make Madagascar 4.  It is a naked picture of me...signed by Nate Kaeding...our wives are friends?  Sweeney, take my wiener picture!!  You earned it.  From now on, any team that does not score at least 100 points, gets a Lil' Schwimmy photo.

Coach Cozine was mixing Mai Tai's on the sideline as his team jammed out to a Mariachi band that only knows Bob Marley songs.  Never, in my 5 week career as a writer for this blog, have I seen such blatant disrespect for another team.  It was one thing to be making drinks on the field, but when a Swedish ladies beach volleyball team came out to play for the amusement of your team...while the game is still going on?!?!?!  And where the cut-off jean shorts necessary?  Your pasty legs forced Coach Quack Attack Jr. to apply sunscreen...which probably causes cancer, in people who are already that tan anyway.  Bad form Dan.  Giving another coach cancer, who do you think you are?  House M.D?  You and that fake American doctor are two dicks in a dongpod.  But you made it pretty clear that you did not give two bags of dicks how you made Sweenzy's team look.

"Did you guys fucking watch that?  All of it?  Hey Brian, great pep talk.  Oh, and those halftime adjustments...those are the type of things that separate the sub-par from the par.  You are so close to being mediocre, but you have to actually get the team to play EVERY week.  Who the fuck do you think you are, Rex Ryan?  I thought that since we only play once this season, you would have at least attempted to find actual football players.  Did you think that this week was replacement player week?  Because it was replacement R-E-F-S, not players.  Look on the bright side, you didn't break 100 points in a PPR league.  Oh, sorry that is not the bright side.  The bright side is...at least Tori Spelling isn't on TV anymore."

Boner of the Week: Brian Sweeney, he has the picture of a Jewish dong to prove it.   

Philadelphia Butt Pirates vs. K-Town Bootleggers
                (150.5)                               (107.4)

The Ginger Bread Coach continues to dominate his opponents after a shaky start to the 2012 campaign.  Winning his last 4 games, has launched him to the top of the division for the 3rd straight season.  I think we can all agree, Gingers have no souls and should be kept in camps, where we will force them to concentrate on very difficult questions about our existence on this earth.  We would call them...Concentration Camps!  Nope, never mind.  I just put together what was wrong with that suggestion.  No need to put Coach/Commissioner Kinzie into a...happy, fun, not genocidal camp.  Did I mention, he won this weekend?

The Booze Boots are as inconsistent as a southern christian girls period.  Week after week, Coach Lightning is peeing on that little white stick hoping for one line instead of two.  This week Brian Hartline was a super sperm (remember: in this analogy, baby = bad) with 0 pts.  Miles Austin also proved that he could successfully procreate, throwing up 5.1 points.  The amazing thing about the Footy Bourbon's, is their ability to abort...losing.  This week they needed Cialis, next week they will be porking fat girls left and right.  

Wes Welker continues to play like the white Wes Welker, putting up 29.8 points for Captain Red Pubes.  His First Mate Percy (Harvin), was also feeling saucy with 24.4 points.  It didn't even matter that Matt Schaub mushroom stamped his coach in the face with 5.3 points.  Thanks to the Kamikaze Kid's pathetic coaching, Chuck didn't even have to break a sweat.  

Boner of the Week: Brain Hartline might not even qualify since he did not register a single stat (0 points) 

You guys are terrible.  So you should not get any boobies this week...but I couldn't stand thinking about you being with out tattas for an entire week, so....

Week 5 Recap

GET A LOADA THIS FRIGGIN' GUY! Oh, I'm alone again.

Hoooo-lee Moses, pardners. What a week! We're starting to establish some league roles as we groove deeper into the season, here. Neat! Some hedgemonds, some underdogs -- IT'S ALL HAPPENING!! Did I mention I recently relapsed into the world of coke? Well I might have. IT'S FANTASTIC, BROS! I'M FRIGGIN' ROSS FROM FRIENDS! WHEEEEEE!

OK. I think I've gotten most of that out of my system. Let's go.

Rochester Spinning Cosmos vs. The Sandusky Disciples
                 (145.4)                                    (139.8)

In this week's closest match, Coach Danny Boy took Lil' Lou into the showers. It almost wasn't that way, though. It all came down to Monday night. Texans vs. Jets. Otherwise, who cares about that game, amirite? It's the Jagoff Fanbase Championship, but whatever.

Anyway, one could look at this narrow win in a number of ways. One could cite the hero of the Great White North's squad as Reggie Wayne (40.2!) or the Bears D/ST (28!). More likely, one would wonder just how in the hades Dan had a QB and two RBs combine for 15 points and still win. The answer is simple: RGIII. Going out with an injury early in the Redskins game, he only scored 4.3 points for the Tyke Ticklers. That turned out to be a problem, and now Horny Lou is 3-2 instead of 4-1.

Boner of the week: BenJarvus Green-Ellis (2.6). Woof.


Affirmative Blacktion vs. Madison Scrotum Smasher
              (115.6)                              (106.1)

In this week's toilet bowl, Craig used all of his juju and ended up with his first win of the season with 115.6 points. Jeez. With a craptastic day from Cam Newton (7.8) and Kevin Kolb (9.8) at QB, there wasn't much Tyno could do. This is despite the fact that Coach Craig benched 73.4 points. Among those were erratic Chargers Robert Meachem (21.7) and Malcom Floyd (15.8). It's hard to blame the Blackies, especially since they eked out a victory. Next week, however, he'll have fewer options, since Arizona RB Ryan Williams is out with an injury. Balls!

Boner of the week: How could it not be DeAngelo Williams, with -1.4 points. [vomits into boxers]


Philadelphia Butt Pirates vs. Madison Banana Hammocks
                  (153.5)                                     (143)

It was no surprise that the reigning Douche in Chief, Chuck, took it to the Bananas of Madtowne this week. It was, however, surprising that he did so with only 9.4 points to spare. Jay Cutler (23.9) had a manic, not depressive week for DJ Waggs, and T-Gon exploded for 31.3 points. That was no match for the Philly Hoodlums' big guns of Percy Harvin (31.6) and Wes Welker (29.4). How Chuck ended up with both of them, I'll choose to ignore. Honestly, though, it's a good thing Torrey Smith came back to earth because that shit (52.4 points the previous two games) was getting scary, combined with Chuck's Dildarino Duo of WRs.

Boner of the week: Brandon Lloyd (6.4) and MJD (6.9) for their shittiest production yet this year.


K-Town Bootleggers vs. Kenosha Fightin' Dildos
             (163.2)                             (187.1)

Holy friggin crap. Look at these Dildos. Is that an all-time scoring record? [holds imaginary paper up to light] Yes, yes it is. We'll go with that. Bolstered by fantastic weeks from Peyton (30.7) and Eli Manning (26.3), as well as Brandon Marshall (32.4!), Big Lou seems poised to destroy the entire East Division at 4-1. Nick was no slouch either, though, with Marques Colston (40.1), Trent Richardson (23.8) and even Brandon "Weendad" Weeden (19.8) chipping in. Nick will be a force himself in the West, but those Fightin' Dildos are on a roll.

Boner of the week: Fred Jackson (4.4)
Stud of the week: Marques Colston (40.1)


Lansing Clam Faces vs. Waukesha Claymakers
            (154.3)                        (143.2)

Despite a hearty effort by his WR corps (minus Mike Wallace [3.7]), Coach Babymaker fell to the clearly superior Clams team, from East of the Lake. Black Door did enjoy 31.4 points from his butt buddy, Aaron Rodgers, however, so good for him. Interestingly, all three of his QBs did well, with mortal enemy of all Packers fans, Christian Ponder, scoring 21.4 and Alex Smith dumbfounding the fantasy world with 35. WTF? Anyway, Blake falls to 0-5, and he'll probably stop setting lineups any day now. Let's start thinking of a punishment now, eh?

Boners of the week: Andre Johnson (2.5) and Mike Wallace (3.7)


I leave you with this. It's Blake Derr, according to Google Image Search:

Ladies and gentlemen: Blake Derr (alternate caption: "Hey, ladies...")

Week 4 Recap

Why hello. I didn't see you there. I'm running out of steam since I wrote the articles first, but I did just come up with this little gem -- Here is the first picture that comes up when you Google image search Madison Banana Hammocks:

This is the native size of the image. Watch for flying hooks out there, Craig!

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. This one is worth at least an intro, AMIRITE? Onward!


Lansing Clam Faces vs. Kenosha Fightin' Dildos
              (151.4)                          (174)
Predicted to be our week's closest matchup, it lived up to the hype -- until Monday night. With the lead deep into the second quarter, Coach Sweenballz was crushed when the Bears' very own fightin' dildo, Brandon Marshall, broke through his 151.4 tallies, on the way to a stellar 26.8-point night. Coach Oldsen thus survived a diarrhea bomb by RB Andre Brown (2.8) and the Cowboys' D/ST (2). Not to help was the Clam Daddies' Giants D/ST (NEGATIVE 1. NEGATIVE.), and paper tiger one-catch wonder, Jeremy Maclin (1.7). What a great trade that was, Coach Sweeney (Jay Cutler [21] and Willis McGahee [25.5] to Davy, Ryan Mathews [10.2] and Maclin [1.7] to loser). Yeesh. Anybody wants Maclin talk to the Clams. He'll likely let the lame Eagle go for a song.

Boners of the week: Jeremy Maclin (1.7) and Giants D/ST (-1)


Madison Scrotum Smasher vs. Madison Banana Hammocks
                 (161.5)                                    (141.1)
In week one of the two-week COLOSSAL GEOGRAPHICAL FANTASTICAL CROSS-TOWN RIVALRY SHOWDOWN series (next week is Kenosha -- or K-town if you associate with that city's seedy underbelly), Scroti eclipsed Bananas, sending Coach Davy to a demoralizing 1-3 record. But maybe he deserved it. Read: in the WR2/flex slot, the good coach started an injured Hakeem Nicks (0) over a perfectly capable Dez Bryant (20.5) and Willis McGahee (25.5). Granted, they combined for 17.4 points last week, but Nicks was injured even then, with no signs of playing in week 4. Honestly, though, McGahee was a longshot start, especially since fellow bench-blumpkin Bush scored a solid 15.3 last week, which might have led to a start in this matchup.

Anyway, Carson Palmer (8.1) also left Davy twisting in the wind. The good news, however, is that pretty much every other player put up solid numbers for the Schlong Slings. It was a pretty tough week against the Tynocerous, still. With two players posting 35+, he had a good week.  Blamzo.

Player of the week: 49ers D/ST (27)
Boner of the week: Davy for playing a guaranteed goose-egg in Hakeem Nicks

Sandusky Disciples vs. K-Town Bootleggers
            (106)                          (153.5)
This match ended up showcasing two coaches who made all (well, almost all) the right decisions, since their benches put up almost no numbers. The exception was Louis the Younger's TE slot. He got skunked by Dennis Pitta, while Jermaine Gresham put up a decent 9.7 points. That would not have been enough, however, as the K-Town Dirtbags had amazing days from Matt Ryan (30.8), Marques Colston (30.3) and Trent Richardson (20.4 -- wait, what? Marques Colston had 30 points?!?!!). That was more than enough to break the first-place tie of West Division 3-1 teams. These two teams. That wasn't clear. Sorry about that.

Boner of the week: Dennis Pitta. Fucking Dennis Pitta.


Waukesha Claymakers vs. Philadelphia Butt Pirates
                (151.3)                             (176.1)
Blake never had much of a chance going into this one. Poor bastard sinks to 0-4 with this loss, and El Carlos outscored everybody in the damn league. He was propelled by Tom Brady (38), the Texans' D/ST (23?!) and all but one feature position scored in the high teens. The Milwaukee Ginger made all the right moves, roster-wise, though, so I guess you can't fault the new dad (Congrats, Blake. We'll connect one of these times). On that ghey note, there's this:

Boner of the week: Alex Smith (6.9)


Rochester Spinning Cosmos vs. Affirmative Blacktion
                 (148.1)                                (132.8)
The closest match of the week resulted in yet another sad 0-4 situation with Coach Alaskaballs finding himself in a big hole to start the season. Credit him, however, with loyalty for starting Wisconsin alumnustud Russell Wilson (1.8) at QB. Again, no roster moves would have saved the Blacktion, so kudos there. Praise Allah that Dan didn't play Romo (8.5 points; of the QB consortium Dogstab and the Homos).

As such, the team with the name that is clever to some and incredibly dumb to others, the Spinning Cosmos ran away with a lucky victory this week. That is to say, 148.1 points isn't all that many, and against other opponents, he could have found himself 2-2 rather than 3-1. But that's the American way, and (shudder) the Spinning Cosmos assume first place in the West.

Boner of the week: Darren McFadden (4.8 and I can't bring myself to make Wilson a boner)

FOOTBALL SKANK!

Now That's What I Call Skanky! Volume 27!

Wally and Murray Doom Your Team: Weeks 4 & 5

Yeah. Double doomed, ginger snap.

Well team, Wally seems to be much better at dooming you guys than he ever was at picking a winner.  This past week he went 4-1 in dooming you, moving his overall Doom record to 7-3.  Murray also hit on his lock of the week to improve to 2-0.  So, they are on fire...you have been warned.

  

Week 4

Sandusky Disciples  vs K-Town Bootleggers

Wally picks: Sandusky Disciples

Scrotum Smashers vs Banana Hammocks

Wally: Scrotum Smashers

Clam Faces vs Fightin' Dildos

Wally picks: Clam Faces

Claymakers vs Butt Pirates

Wally picks: Butt Pirates

Spinning Cosmos vs Affirmative Blacktion

Wally picks: Affirmative Blacktion

Murray's Lock of the Week: Philadelphia Butt Pirates

Week 5

Spinning Cosmos vs Sandusky Disciples

Wally picks: Cosmos

K-Town Bootleggers vs Fightin' Dildos

Dooming is hard work.

Wally picks: Bootleggers

Butt Pirates vs Banana Hammocks

Wally picks: Banana Hammock

Affirmative Blacktion vs Scrotum Smashers

Wally picks: Scrotum Smashers

Claymakers vs Clam Faces

Wally picks: Clam Faces

Murray's Lock of the Week: K-Town Bootleggers

Week 3 Recap

Not hair gel. Just greasy.

Ah week 3. Where the foundations of a fantasy football season are established. Whether your record was 1-1, 0-2 or 2-0, this was a pace-setting week for your West Wilson Street fake football squad.

Watching this week's action made me want to live to see next week's, despite my crippling post-sitcom depression and self-loathing, so thanks for that. Every day, I feel kind of like replacement ref Lance Easley does, now that the world has made him the poster boy for shitty officiating. FFB this week made me forget about that for 24 hours. Thanks, F-R-I-E-N-D-S! See what I did there?!?!

Let's take a look at this week's action, blown calls or not...



Madison Scrotum Smasher (0-2) vs. Rochester Spinning Cosmos (2-0)
                      157.7                                              112.1


Let's start the week off with the biggest shocker on the board. The undefeated Cozinsons of Rochester fell easily to the winless Madison Patsys. Coach Dan got totally boned by a combined QB output of 13.8 from Vick and Romo. This is rather appropriate, considering that the duo may represent the most obnoxious QB pairing ever assembled. Henceforth, this team shall be known as Dogstab and the Homos. It'd make a great band name.

Anyway, the Madisonites were bolstered by a scrotum-smashing 40 points from Jamaal Charles, who tripled the output from his first two games combined. What. The. Fuck. Looking at his bench, Coach Tyson  made all the right moves this week, save for an unexpected fit of productivity from Denarius Moore (15.5).

On the other hand, Coach Queefzine left 82 point motherfucking 7 points on his bench. Granted it was a toss-up between Dogstab, the Homos and Dr. Nothingburger, Joe Flacco. However, bad luck caught up with Dan as the Raven exploded for over 30 points. Fortunately for Dan, Flacco may turn out to be the real deal, and his mega-gay Minnesota alumnus man-crush, Eric Decker showed some upside with 20 points on the day, despite languishing on the bench of the Spinning-Their-Wheels Cosmos.

Advantage Madison.

Player of the Week: Jamaal Charles (40.8 pts)...FUCK!!!!
Boner of the week: Time to hit the oooold dusty trail, Kevin Smith (0 points).


Philadelphia Butt Pirates (1-1) vs. Kenosha Fightin' Dildos (2-0)
                  169.1                                          154.5

Wait, he doesn't look sad at all!

In a much closer contest, yet another undefeated dildo fell to a presumably weaker foe. Last week Coach Olsen the Elder was disappointed by Peyton, but this week it would be Eli who dick-slapped the esteemed senior member of the league. Had the good coach played Andy Dalton (30.7 points), he would have come within a few points of victory here.

But t'wasn't to be, as Coach Chuckles the Clown had monster days from Matt Schaub (30.6 points), Wes Welker (22.2 points) and wild leap of faith/charter member of the Stupidly-Spelled First Name Club, Mikel Leshoure (23.4 points).

And the future looks bright for old Coach Redballs, because with a good day from pretty much everybody he started, his squad even boasts a tight end NOT named Jimmy Graham (11.6 points) who boasted 17.7 points -- Jared Cook.

So, as it were in the battle of buttplug versus dildo, buttplug came out victorious, albeit with significantly worse odor and more harmful bacteria. Kudos, Chuck. You know how to party.

Bench boner of the week: Jonathan Dwyer with -1 point. Yeesh.


K-Town Bootleggers (1-1) vs. Affirmative Blacktion (0-2)
              158.1                                        135.7

Poor Coach Darkskin falls to a pitiful 0-3 this week, as he puts up a respectable fight against the formidable Bootleggers of Kenoshire. Nobody could have predicted the absolute sputtering mess that was the Chargers offense this week. Sadly, that doomed our northernmost member to the worst start in the history of everything.

Philip Rivers, who scored 28.3  last week, managed only 3.1 asinine points this week, and Malcom Floyd was lucky to squeeze out 8.2 points. Having lost by 22.4 points, that has to be infuriating to the Blackies, but c'est la guerre, I guess.

Let's talk about what Coach Leiting did right this week. Everything. He may have had to start Mark Sanchez, but in each position, his lowest-scoring player sat safely on the bench. That may have had a lot to do with limited options (Fred Jackson and Aaron Hernandez are out, while Justin Blackmon is a waste of even a bench slot). Even his underachieving Packers defense (4 points) and kicker Matt Bryant (3 points) were expected to do better than they did.

Boner of the week: The entire city of San Diego, which of course in German means "A Whale's Vagina"


Madison Banana Hammocks (0-2) vs. Waukesha Claymakers (0-2)
                   175                                                     110.5           

In a battle for the basement, the Claymakers never seemed to have a chance.  It didn't help that the Satanic Mr. Pibb can running the Nut Nappers, put together a lineup that scored a league high 175 points.  

This is a child's drawing of the Hammocks Head Coach

Mike Wallace and Heath Miller scored almost 50% of the points for the Pottery Barns (52.4 points).  Aaron Rodgers continues to poop all over coach Derr's hopes for a playoff run, and Alex Smith hasn't been helping either.  If I was the coach I would offer some sort of...bounty, to make the team play better, you know.  Maybe offer them some money, drugs, or hookers in exchange for good play.  Or in the case of his defense (who scored -5 points), maybe you offer those things if they knock out another teams player.  That is kosher, right? 

And on the other sideline, the ghost of Davy Jones came out of his closet  locker to haunt his team to victory.  While Jay Cutler has been a disappointment from coming to Madison from Lansing, the rest of the team really picked up his tear soaked diaper.  A.J. Green was the teams leading scorer with 34.4 points, while MJD was a close second with 27.3.

Let's be real, no one actually watched this game.  These two teams are nothing more than turds circling the proverbial bowl.  If you wasted your time watching this game, may Moses have mercy on your soul.  The only thing entertaining about this game, watching Coach Blake try to throw knives across the field to puncture the Pibb can.  After the game I asked him why:

To release all of the tortured souls trapped inside.  And also to try and kill Davy a second time.  He would have understood.   

There was only one tortured soul in this game, and it was he who cast the first knife.

Boner of the Week (so far the front runner for Boner of the Month): Patriots D/ST (-5 points)

Game of the Week:

Sandusky Disciples(2-0) vs. Clam Faces(2-0)

        152.9                                  138.2

This weeks featured game was a battle of unbeatens, and only one was left standing.  Not ironically, it was the team mascot with legs. 

The Sandusky Shower Worshipers looked dead in the water for most of this game, until the Clam Faces made a fatal error...they brought soap on a rope instead of a loofa.  That error opened the door for the Church of NAMBLA to take control late and stand alone as the only undefeated team left in the league. 

While Coach Sweens team did not perform poorly, they just needed more from TE stud Rob Gronkowski, who was outscored by opposing TE, and mid-week acquisition, Dennis Pitta.  Both teams QB's, RB's, and WR's combined to score almost identical points  (47.6 - 50.8, 33.4 - 27.9, 36.8 - 35.4).  It all came down to TE, D/ST, and the Kicker.  Coach B. Tiberius Sweeney's team  took the upper hand in the kicking game, but lost their shorts on D/ST.  No one wants to be losing their shorts around Coach LO Jr's team. 

The two teams matched each other punch for punch, but the Sandusky Disciples favorite position (get it, tight...end....it's a sodomy joke) was the difference between 3-0 and 2-1.  Pitta scored 16 points, while Gronk only mustered 4.1 for a difference of 11.9 points.  The SD's only won this game by 14.7 points. 

After the game we got a sound byte from Coach Olsen, the Junior:

Well Sweeney, the better man won.  I hope that your tears make their way into ever meal you eat the rest of this week, loser.  The amount of sodium you ingest should be enough to cause some sort of kidney condition, so you may want to see a doctor before your next game.  You may talk tough, but you take it like a fat, loose, lazy bitch.  And I mean that with all due respect.  Word to the wise, try not to drop the soap next time....

Boner of the Week: Steelers D/ST (2 pts)

Anyway, good job all, and you all suck.


True to form and tradition, here are a couple of football bimbos for your enjoyment:

Wally and Murray Doom Your Team: Week 3

Good Saturday Gentlemen.

Sorry for the delay, but I have bigger fish to fry.  

Last week Murray and Wally did much better, mostly because now they are picking teams that will lose.  Wally went 3-2 in dooming you, while Murray went 1-0.  

  

We see you Dan...you are Double-Doomed

Sandusky Disciples     @     Clam Faces
Wally Picks: Sandusky Disciples

Banana Hammocks     @     Claymakers

Wally Picks: Clay

Scrotum Smashers     @     Spinning Cosmos

Wally Picks: Cosmos

Fightin' Dildos     @     Butt Pirates

Wally Picks:  Dildos

Bootleggers     @    Blacktion

Wally Picks: Blacktion

Murray's Lock of the Week:  Cosmos

Week 2 Recap

Almost Black Face....

I think it is safe to say, this week was full of surprises. 

The greatest rivalry in the league took place in the filthy, hobo ridden streets of Philadelphia.  As the newly relocated Lansing Clam Faces, led by Coach Brain Tiberius Sweeney, took on the Philadelphia Butt Pirates, Captained by Charles Ginger Rogers Kinzie.  Last season, the Ginger Patch Kid ended Sweeney the Kid's run to Ryan Leaf glory (can I say that?  It seems wrong.).  There is no love lost between these two spineless competitors.  And to show there were no hard feelings, the Clam Faces decided to give away Clam brand anal plugs and We H8 Ginger signs to the first 10,000 fans.  To really ram the point home, every fan attending the game was given a can of Ginger Ale that had been shaken up and told to open it only when the Clams scored their first touchdown.  It was a fizzy, soulless, mess.

We also saw another last minute game winner between the Fightin' Dildos and the Banana Hammocks. 

It is awfully early yet, but there appears to be some sort of structure taking place in the standings: Four 2-0 teams, Two 1-1 teams, and Four 0-2 teams. 

Let's get to the action.  What better place to start than with the Black guys playing in the Shower (which is what we will now be calling Seattle Stadium). 


Affirmative Blacktion     vs.     Seattle Sandusky Disciples

            (135.6)                                         (162.1)

Last week, we saw the Inaction Blacktion try to bounce back after a ball busting 0.8-point loss to start the season. This is one in which Mason Crosby (2 points) and the Green Bay Packers butt-pumped Coach Moylan for the umpteenth time.

Alas, t’wasn’t to be this week. He had the misfortune of facing one of the strongest teams in the league – the Sandusky Disciples. I don’t know if they’re disciples because they took showers with the Penn State brain trust or what, but Coach Olsen, the Younger, is poised to make a swift jump from worst to first this season.

As for Craig, at least Philip Rivers (28.3 points) bounced back from a disappointing season opener. And to everyone here’s delight, Russell Wilson is proving to be worth the flier El Coach took on him in the draft, at least as a backup. Thing is, the guy in charge keeps putting in the wrong players.

Last week, Robert Meachem put up an unsexy 6.9, and this week he laid an egg, despite a strong 38-10 San Diego victory over a sputtering Titan team. Same goes for tight end Antonio Gates. With Malcom Floyd (16.9 points) languishing on the bench, it seems the coach and the QB had opposite taste in receivers on Sunday.

Dwayne Bowe had a spectacular day though, with 30 fantasy points, while his Chiefs managed to put up only 17 real points. And Arian Foster (26.7 points) had a banner day. And Darren Sproles (25.8 points). And RGIII (32.4 points). And pretty much the whole Disciples bench. Watch out, Clam Faces. This week, Lou’s coming for you, and there’s pretty much nothing you can do about it.

Boner of the week: Antonio Gates and his gaping 0.

It's Always Clammy in Philadelphia

Lansing Clam Faces     vs.     Philadelphia Butt Pirates

            (131.1)                                   (122.3)

In a barn burner between two week 1 winners, the margin of error was somewhat slim. It could have gone either way, but a 7.5-point day from Matt Schaub pushed things in the direction of the Clam Facials.

Frank Gore (18.5 points) continues to be a pleasant surprise this year for the Lansing Faithful, and with Gronk (19.5 points), every day must feel like Christmas. But Team Sween got lucky, in more ways than one. Lions kicker Jason Hanson fingerblasted into the stratosphere with 15 points and rookie Andrew Luck went for 23.1. This all made up for the rest of the shitty Faces team, from Donald Brown (4.5 points), to (a recently-traded-for) Jeremy Maclin (9.3 points), and a stunningly shit-tastic performance from Andre Johnson (5.1 points).

On the other side of the coin, the Banditos del Pompis had a few disappointing players, but the killer was Matt Forte’s 2nd-quarter ankle sprain. The Bears are denying it’s the more serious “high” ankle sprain, but either way, the injury torpedoed any hope for the Giggling Ginger. Maybe Amendola (35 bench points) will keep producing… But then again, probably not. Boner of the week: Matt Forte for crapping all over Coach Firecrotch


Rochester Spinning Cosmos     vs     Waukesha Claymakers   
                 (140.9)                                              (136)

This game came down to production at the tight end spot.  While the two coaches pitted their hopes on Broncos wide receivers, the only glaring difference in this weeks’ performance came at TE.  Fred Davis is not Vernon Davis.  In fact, I don’t think anyone has ever said the opposite of that, at any point in the history of football.  Davis’ 24.3 points was the definitive ‘Big Bang’ for Coach Cozine.  

The Pottery Boxers from Waukesha did their best to make up for another lackluster performance from superhero Aaron Rodgers,  but all of the DeMaryius Thomas’ in the galaxy could not stop the Black Holes from getting to 2-0 on the season. 

In this case, one simple coaching move could have made all of the difference.  Vinny Jackson sat on the Ceramic Crushers bench and collected 23.8 points, which was more than both Mike Wallace and Mike Crabtree.  In both cases, the point difference would have been enough to give the Porcelain Fists the victory.  That one miscalculation plunged the ‘Makers into last place in the East, while allowing the Dirty Worm Holes to remain tied for first in the West. 

This weekend the Claymakers will get a shot to take down their hated division rival, the Banana Hammocks, at home.  While the Cosmopolitans will face perpetual league punching bag Nic Tyson, and the Scrotum Smashers.  After the game, I got a quick word from Coach Derr on his teams’ performance:                             

Lugubrious

 

Not sure what it means, but at least I got something.   

Dual Boners of the Week: Darren McFadden (6.1 pts) and Fred Davis (3.5 pts)

This pretty much sums it up!!!

K-Town Bootleggers     vs     Madison Scrotum Smashers    
         (183.5)                                            (117.6)

When I hear the phrase, “Ass-Whooping”, this kind of score is what comes to mind.   The Drunken Footers absolutely Sanduskied the Tyson Taint Ticklers.  Getting beat is one thing, but losing by 65 points?  Your time would have been better spent dissecting a turd.  Now this is not all Coach Tyson’s fault.  Between CJ Spiller, Trent Richardson and the Packers D/ST, coach Leiting collected 83.5 points.  Now if I really wanted to add insult to injury, the Wasted Galoshes lost Aaron Hernandez to injury without him scoring a single point.  So essentially, this was a 9 on 10 game and the 10 still lost by NINE TD’s!!! 

The Ball Splitters got an impotent 6.8 points combined from their starting RB’s.  Really, aside from Cam Newton, this team is nothing like the championship team we saw one season ago.  And on the other side of the field, Coach Leiting appears to have shaken off that disappointing week 1 loss and is ready to do some serious damage. 

After the game, I actually got a full statement from Coach Leiting:      

That was only fun for the first 5 minutes or so, then I was intentionally trying to run plays that wouldn’t work.  When I realized how truly terrible that team from Madison was…I considered smashing my own scrotum, just to give myself a challenge. 

Boner of the Week:  Jamaal Charles (5.2 pts)
  GAME OF THE WEEK:

Kenosha Fightin' Dildos     vs.     Madison Banana Hammocks
              (153.1)                                              (152)

This game was a barn burner, rump roaster, nail bitter, titty twister of a game.  For the second straight weekend, we had a game decided by less than 2 points. 

It was hard to tell who had a worse QB play, the Dildos combined for 6 INT's and the Hammocks had 5 INT's.  The primary difference, Eli rebounded to throw for 510 yds and 32.2 points.  Whilst Jay Cutler pissed his pants, grabbed his baby blanket, suckled a teet, and put up 4.2 pts.  It really was a battle of perseverance.  That is a battle Cutler will never win. 

This game boasted 4 - 30 pt performance, with three of them coming on the Dildos...(I meant what I said).  The Banana Hammocks only had one, but he was the high scorer this week.  Hakeem Nicks put up 35.9 pts on a half broken foot.

It is easy to see how the Crotch Cots lost this game.  Their kicker outscored 5 of the position players (Cutler, Adrian Peterson, MJD, Dez Bryant, and the 49ers D/ST).  It probably did not help that a demonically possessed can of Mr. Pibb continues to patrol the sidelines of Madison's Chiquita Split Stadium.  This is only made more apparent by the 100+ points that were left sitting on the bench this weekend.

Coach Olsen, the Elder, has also traded in his last place finish for a first place start to the season.  He currently shares a stake of first place in the East with the Clam Faces.  The only real problem with this team is Chris "I ruined my career by holding out" Johnson, who for the second straight weekend completely embarrassed the good name of the Dildos.

Boner of the Week:  Jay Cutler and his Vagina (4.2 pts) 
Player of the Week: Hakeem Nicks (35.9 pts) 


Here is a football slutty to hold you over until next week:

Wally And Murray Doom Your Team: Week 2

Good day gentlemen.  Sorry that this is a little late, but because of my move things are happening a little behind schedule. 

Last week Wally went 1-4, whilst Murray went 0-1.  That being the case, this segment will now be known as "Wally and Murray Doom Your Team".  Essentially, they are still picking the winners, but by doing so they are screwing the teams they pick. 

Kali Ma!!  Kali Ma!!!  Death to the infidels!!!!

Let's see who is doomed tomorrow.

Spinning Cosmos @  Claymakers
Wally picks: Claymakers

Butt Pirates  @  Clam Faces
Wally Picks: Clam Faces

Blacktion  @  Sandusky Disciples
Wally Picks: Blackies

Dildos  @  Banana Hammocks
Wally Picks: Dildos

Bootleggers  @  Scrotum Smashers
Wally Picks: Scrotums

Murray's Lock of the Week:  The Waukesha Claymakers

So, my apologies to 80% of Wally's picks, you are doomed.  And I am doubley sorry to Blake, who is doubley dicked.  Tough break big guy.

Week 1 Re-Cap

article by: David Schwimmer

Hi guys.  Well, I didn't get fired yet, so at least there is that. 

You know, I took some major heat for my draft grades, but after Week 1, I was not so far off after all.  On the flip side, Lou's dogs really screwed the pooch (pun totally intended).  The lock of the week, ended up being the blow out of the week.

At least the season is back up and running and we only had one major injury through week 1.  The Kenosha Bootleggers will be without Fred Jackson for the next month or so, as he heals from a torn...leg...thing.  I don't do anatomy, I'm an actor. 

Plus we finally saw the two names for the Lou's.  The Seattle franchise will be further known as the "Sandusky Disciples" and the Kenosha franchise will be known as the "Fighting Dildos".  While these names were perhaps not the best, no one really seemed to give two shits.  In the end the decisions were made by Coach Sweeney of the Clams and of course your Ginger Fuhrer, Chuck.  What I personally like about each of these names, is that each week....someone is getting sodomized, so everyone wins.  This week, we had double penetration....let's get to the games. 

Week 1 Re-Cap:


Game of the Week:  Affirmative Blacktion     vs     Philly Butt Pirates
                                          135.5                                           136.3

The Fanito Bandito's opened the season with a .8 point victory.  This game down to Phillip Rivers inability to put the ball in the end zone.  Thanks to his pathetic attempts at scoring, it opened the door for Rochester Spinning Cosmos Hall of Fame Kicker Nate Kaeding, to kick 5 field goals.  This also lead to Blacky wideout Robert Meachum having a minimal impact.  Both defenses had impressive first week performances, the Chocolat's threw up 17 points on D/ST and the Rectal Buccaneers had 16 points.  Ray Rice was the player of the game, although in a losing effort.  The Rice-a-Roni put up 24.3 points.  Neither teams wide receivers did much to be excited about.  Each team started 3 WR's, and they combined for an average of 9.2 points per receiver.  That is not going to cut it on a weekly basis.  The fact remains, the Blackies had a clear shot at the Gold Chest of Analgia, but needed just one more play.  This will go down as a team loss for the Sambos, and a huge team victory for the reigning Eastern Division champs.  Boner of the Week: Wes Welker (4.4 points)

Waukesha Claymakers     vs     Kenosha Fighting Dildos
             134.2                                            153.7

In the debut of the new team name, the Fighting Dildos went straight to work.  Thanks to Peyton Manning and Brandon Marshall, Olsen Sr. never needed to worry.  Those two combined, threw up over 50 points.  When you pair that with a team full of double digit performances (minus his kicker, who had 5 points), you get a very solid opening weekend win.  The Pottery Fists got plenty of points from their QB duo, Aaron Rodgers and Alex Smith.  The offense certainly came to play, but with a pathetic 1 point contribution from the D/ST the Bowl Punchers never had a chance.  This was a divisional game that had plenty of interesting story lines, primarily people were interested to see how the Dildos would bounce back after a disappointing expansion season in 2011.  Fans in Kenosha went home happy, especially the ladies.  It just happened to be "Dildo Sword" weekend.  Boner of the Week: Giants D/ST (1 point)


Lansing Clam Faces     vs     Madison Banana Hammocks
           150.5                                          124.8

In a surprise move, prior to the game, these two teams made a trade that did not take effect until after this weekends game was through.  Jay Cutler made his first, and only, start for the Clam Faces this weekend.  Something tells me Coach Sweens is going to regret trading Cutler away, since he put up 22.9 points.  In the deal, the Clams sent Jay Cutler and Willis McGahee to the Nut Nuzzlers for Ryan Matthews and Jeremy Maclin.  Not a bad trade, but if week 1 has taught me anything, this is still a QB's league.  Bry does have some depth at QB, with Andrew Luck and Ryan FitzPatrick, but Cutler will be missed.  He was a true Clam Face...anyone who has seen him already knows this to be true.  You may recall that Davy Jones is dead, so his team was drafted by his ghost and is now being coached by a can of Mr. Pibb.  That can just does not have enough coaching experience, he left over 70 points sitting on the bench, as his starters underperformed all across the board.  Drew Brees and Andre Johnson stole the show for the Chowder Pie-Holes, leading them to a solid 25 point victory.  That possessed Mr. Pibb can needs to get his shit together, otherwise the Teste Ticklers are in for a long season.  Boner of the Week: Michael Turner (3.2 points)


Rochester Spinning Cosmos     vs     K-Town Bootleggers
               170.3                                              143.7

While Fighting 'Do's fans across town were waiving their dildo swords with pride, the Raging Alcoholic fans fell flat and where sucked into the Cosmos spinning wheel of destruction.  Even Matt Ryan's stunning 38.5 point performance was not enough to save the drowning Booty Boozers.  The Spinning Cosmos got terrific performances from everyone....accept 2nd round pick Eric Decker, who put up a pedestrian 10.4 points.  But there was nothing pedestrian about what the rest of this team did.  Tony Romo, Darren McFadden, and Reggie Wayne all threw up over 20 points a piece.  The Stephen Hawkings have a new name and a new attitude.  Since Coach Cozine actually showed up to the draft, you can tell that he actually gives two shits about this team.  I was able to talk with him, via Twitter after the game:

Fuck off "Ross"!  How did you get this gig?  This is not even a funny bit. Let's play a game Schwim #hideandgofuckyourself

I guess you have to earn some respect in this league before you can get a good quote from league coaches.  And for the record, I have never played that game, but it sounds interesting.  Boner of the Week: Fred Jackson (1.5 points and injured)   Stud of the Week: Matt Ryan (38.5 points)


Sandusky Disciples     vs     Madison Scrotum Smashers
         179.9                                              115.2

In my draft re-cap, I said that I thought the Shower Sodomists had the best draft and that the reigning Ryan Leaf Trophy winners would regret letting a Russian circus monkey draft their team.  This game proves that I was pretty much right on the button. Let me also point out that both Walter and the newest Olsen dog, Murray, picked this one wrong.  So if you bet money on this game because it was the "Lock of the week", punch yourself in the balls...because you are a numb nuts.  The biggest story of this game was Robert Griffin III, who put up an impressive 29 points in his first career start.  When that was paired with Julio Jones absurd day, 28.8 points, the Pro-PSUers looked unstoppable.  The Nut Nashers got no help from their RB's, as Jamaal Charles and DeAngelo Williams combined for 10.1 points.  Nor by RGIII outscoring Cam Newton and Sam Bradford combined.  At least Tyson had the testicular fortitude to show up and take his home crowds boos like a man.  Especially when David Akers nailed that 63 yd field goal, giving him a 16 point fantasy day.  The Ball Bashers never had a prayer in this game.  This marks the 2nd consecutive season that the Ryan Leaf Champion lost their opening week game the following season, the other team to do it?  The Disciples, formerly known as the Tree Humpers.  Boner of the Week:  DeAngelo Williams (1.4 points)

Next week, I am hoping to get a press pass, so that I can actually attend some of the post game press conferences...but don't hold your breath. 

My game to watch this upcoming weekend, The Butt Pirates @ Clam Faces.  This is arguably the most bitter rivalry in our league.  It will be my first time covering this hated rivalry, so I can't wait to see what the Clam Faces will give away at the game this year to mock Coach Kinzie and his ginger crusaders. 

And, as is tradition, a football slut.