Wally Picks the Champion.....LIVE!!!!!

     You read that right friends.  Now please keep in mind I am terribly sick.  Also, this was my first time using the editing software so the ending is pretty crappy.  Please sit back and enjoy Wally's championship pick. 

Riley Picks A Winner

article by:  Lou Olsen


     Merry Christmas everyone!!  And of course Happy Kwanza to Craig and company.  This week, as some of you already know, I am back in Wisconsin.  As sweet as that is, I am distraught in telling you that Wally did not make the trip.  Some good news however, my parents own a dog who happens to be the exact same breed as Wally.  His name is Riley and he is going to be picking the winners for this weeks games.  Last week Wally picked the road teams to win and he was right on the Snausage going 2-0. 

     Just a quick back story about Riley.  Last June my folks came to visit me in Seattle and met Wally.  My dad fell in love with him and wanted one for himself, so my parents drove from Kenosha to St. Louis to get Riley.  Mr. Riley is very handsome, but much thicker than Wally.  We did encounter a slight obstacle, Riley is not a treat driven dog.  So, in order to get this weeks picks we had to resort to cold cuts.  Turns out turkey was the only thing that could get this 9 month old puppy to make his picks.  Without further adieu, here are Riley's picks.

Riley's Picks

Blackies at the Humpers
     Wally Picks:  Black Tie Affair

 

 Berries at the CYO
     Wally Picks:  Choke Your Octopus

 

 

For my sake, I hope Riley does not have beginner's luck.  Only time will tell.  As you are all aware, it's Christmas time.  Christmas is a time for giving, so I would like to give every one my best wishes.....except for Craig.  May you all have a safe and happy holidays.  Please, for the love of Lindsay Lohan, do not drink and drive.  Humps and kisses to all and to all a good night.

Round 1 In The Books, 3 game series in Madison?

article by: Captain John Travolta

     I know this is a little later than usual, but during the "Holidays" we Scientologists take time out of our busy Hollywood lives to give back to the community.  I for one, volunteer as a Santa at local malls and no it is not because I like to have small boys sit on my lap.  Is it weird that I brought that up unprovoked? 

     The first round of the playoffs is finished and boy was I puzzled.  Both visiting teams went on the road and got victories.  In Rochester, the Shit Sheriffs went on a gay bashing rampage.  Coach Cozine had no answer for coach Charles in Charge and his crap crusaders.  Then in our nation's capital, the Black Bangers demolished the heavily favored Clam Caps.  Coach BP Balls in your Boca clearly underestimated the flailing Dark Chocolates, who ended a 6 game losing streak (league record). 

     I can't believe I am saying this, but the game of the week was in Madison.  Not because of the teams playing, but because of the historical significance to this 'series'.  Recently it came to light that in order to win the Crapper Bowl you must win a 3 game series.  When we asked the commissioner how this could have happened, he was quoted as saying

"Does it really matter?  No one is watching these two teams play.  Is this really what you are reporting on this week Travolta?  You need to get a boyfriend man." 

Well Mr. Kinzie, this not a baseball league.  Maybe this should be fixed for next year......actually it is alot funnier to watch Tyson blow a 50 point lead.  Let's hope we get to watch another classic Chupacabra meltdown this weekend. 

Let's break down the games from this week:

Round 1 Playoffs Wrap-Up


Dingleberries    vs    Rainbows
       134                           101

     Coach Cozine was obviously distracted by his impending trip to sunny Mexico this week.  He paid the price by looking ahead to Mexico before trying to take care of the doo-doo rolling into town.  Kyle Orton was his usual titty twisting self, he had an amazing day.......holding the clipboard for Tim Tebow.  Cozine also made a peculiar choice in starting Broncos WR Eddie Royal, who so totally suck balls.  Helping the Crap Clingers cause, was the resurgence of Vincent Jackson who put up 29 sexy points.  Plus, the combo of Brees and Schaub was more than enough to lead the Poo Poo Platters to victory over the Gay Cowboys Eating Mexican Pudding. 

     Last night I had a giant flaming drink with coach Chuck Norris Kinzie:

Figures you would bring me to a place that serves flaming drinks Travolta.  I am really feeling good about how we played today.  Some of our key players are getting hot at the right time, so if there was ever a chance for us to beat Blake it is now.  Nothing makes me happier than beating Cozine though.  Have fun in Mexico dreaming about how disappointing this season was for you.  We all know you didn't win the division because of the tie, but get over it because now you are out of the playoffs.  Ginger Power!!!

Blacktion    vs    Clams
     154                   100

     The sleeping giant has awoken after a 6 week hiatus.  This game appeared to be nothing more than business as usual for Coach BP Balls in your Boca.  Sadly, his WR's chose to not show up.  Big Black came out with a vengeance, looking like the team that struck fear into it's opponents during the firs half of the season.  Rivers and Ryan created a formidable duo, combining for 50 points.  BP Balls receiving corp was only able to score 11 points between the four of them, sealing their doom.  Meanwhile, each of Coach Craig's WR's scored 12 points.  All of a sudden the Black Panthers look like the team of old, but they will need to conjure up some more black magic this week as they head in to Seattle. 
     Coach Sweeney bought me a flaming drink and shared some thoughts:

I am embarrassed.  This was supposed to be nothing more than a speed bump, instead it became a Christmas sodomy.  My doctor says I will need to sit on an inflatable donut for the next two weeks.  We won 3 games straight coming into this game and they lost 6 straight, what was I supposed to think?  I take full responsibility for this loss.  It is the coach's job to put the best team on the field each week and I did not do that.  Instead we dropped the soap in the shower and paid the price for that grievous mistake.  Christmas sodomy, not as fun as advertised. 

I could talk about the Madison Turd-tacular, but since Tyson is involved I do not even want to talk about it.  Way to go Davy, nice comeback to restore a little dignity in your team.  Looking forward to this series......?

     This week Lou has a big boner about the Milwaukee Brewers acquiring Cy Young winner Zack Greinke.  As I was sneaking round his office I found a photo of this guys wife and thought she deserved a little love on our blog, because she is smoking hot.  Former Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader and Miss Daytona Beach 2008.  This is Mrs. Emily Kuchar-Greinke.  Merry Christmas and Happy Kwanza!!

Week 14 in Review: No Homo Edition

Totally platonic. Seriously.

post by John Travolta

‘Sup a-holes? Nothing here either. I just piloted another few tons of relief aid over to Haiti – no big deal. I think it was mostly Easy Mac. Delicious.  I could have fit more boxes in there, but I had to bring some photographers so the world would know how magnanimous I am. But I digress. There was some real (pointless) action this week in the world of West Wilson Street Revival fantasy football.

By the way anything you’ve heard about my sexuality recently is a lie.

Humpers vs. CYO

We’ll start at the top with the 1-2 battle. This matchup may be a preview of the title game, as Seattle and Milwaukee stand apart as the titans of this year’s league. Not the Tennessee Titans, mind you, but the mythological kind.

For the plantbangers, disaster struck this week when Aaron Rodgers suffered a concussion and scored only one point. The clorophyll whoreophyll should be thankful, though, that he has a playoff bye week to allow the point-happy QB to recover. He was able to contend still, with Michael Turner (RB, Atl) scoring a groin-grabbing 30 points and the Steelers defense somehow turning out 26.

Coach Olsen this week said he would intentionally play his shittier players, so perhaps this analysis is overkill. His bench scored 67 to Coach Derr’s bench’s 14, so I’m guessing the Leaf Lovers are just playing patsy.

Of note, however, is the poor performance of Big Blake’s bogus bench. That’s alliteration for you poetic types out there. I’m truly an artist. Five of six scored just one or zero points. Injuries may be the downfall of the CYOs. Everybody pray to L. Ron, make a donation to the One True Religion, and maybe we’ll get a favor.

Blacktion vs. Birds

I don’t exactly know how the duo of McNabb and Garrard for the Madisonites outscored the Rivers/Matt Ryan combo, but they did. That led to a big win for Coach Davy and a “cry-for-help” suicide attempt by Coach Moylan of the Ass Compaction Blacktion. I spoke to the coach in the recovery room at Ketchikan General:

With the last game ending and my fate sealed, I decided I needed to take drastic action. The police found me hanging from a rafter with my pants around my ankles, but the EMTs were able to save me. In fact, I was conscious the whole time, but still, I was very sad. I hope this has distracted from the week’s events. I’m so lonely.

He declined comment when asked how he became suspended from his neck whilst half-nude. All in all, he had a bad week and Davy had a B+ week. At least it wasn’t a real suicide attempt. One would think he would have just died of the embarrassment, but apparently not. See you next week, Blackies.

Rainbows vs. Dingles

This week Rochester whooped on old Chicago pretty hard, beating them by 30. Amazingly, Coach Dad pulled off the victory despite an embarrassing -2 point day by notorious asshole Kyle Orton. Big days from the Jets D, DeSean Jackson and Chris Johnson propelled him past a rather mediocre day from Coach Gingerballs’ team. However, Dan’s bench is another black hole, scoring a paltry four points overall. Yes, everybody blanked except Nate Washington. Dismissive wanking motion. Dismissive wanking motion all over the place.

Both teams remain competent, however.

This is my serious face.

Chupas vs. Clams

Holy crap, Tyson, how did your QBs only score eight points overall?? I’ve made some turds in my day (Michael, Battlefield Earth), but none to rival this QB-combo crapfest (more alliteration, bitches. Artist.). Combine that with probably the most regrettable benching of the year with Darren McFadden (RB, Oak) and his 38 motherflappin’ points, and Coach Sweeney pretty much lucked into an easy win this week. This especially considering that his formerly great WR corps of Dwayne Bowe (KC), TO (Cin) and Brandon Lloyd (Den) turned out a pitiful and infuriating five points between the three of them. What the fuck?

That’s it for this week. Look out for a playoff preview in the next day or two from a special guest who will remain a surprise for now. See you later, sluts, and may the force be with you (or whatever scientologists say).

I'll leave you with Jennifer Carpenter, who plays Debra Morgan on the show Dexter, and was left this week by her husband, Michael C. Hall, who stars in the show, for Julia Stiles.

Seriously?

Wally Picks The First Round Winners

article by: Lou Olsen

     Last week was very busy and so sadly Wally was unable to make his picks, but I figured since the playoffs had already been decided it wouldn't matter.  However, this is where legends are made.  Wally finished with a 18-21-1 record during the regular season, so basically he was Affirmative Blacktion.  3 games under .500, but not too bad for his first season.  None of that matters now, because he needs to pick the playoff winners.  Believe it or not, I am having my wife do this for me at home while I sit in my office.  She is packing for us to come back home to good old Wisconsin and I am making her stop so she can have Wally pick the winners. 

     Now I thought about having him pick who would win the Crapper Bowl.  Then I realized that he has better things to do, like licking his own ass or pooping on our patio.  Ok, I just got the text from my beautiful wife Ashley:

Wally's Playoff Picks Rd.1


Dingleberries at the Rainbows


Affirmative Blacktion at the Clam Faces

He picked Berries and Blacks.  I would have chosen Rainbows and Clams.

     That is the exact text my wife sent me.  Maybe next week we will do Wally and Wifey Pick A Winner.  Well Chuck and Craig, the dog is in your favor, Dan and Brian my wife thinks you guys had better treats on your names.  Let's see how this one plays out.  Me personally, I do not have to play this weekend so I will be enjoying your games for a change.  Now for another change, Good Luck this weekend everybody. 

From the Desk of Lou Olsen

Gentlemen,

     You may have noticed some odd things happening on the blog as of late.  Obviously Wally's absence was felt by everyone, but do not despair he will be making his first round playoff picks.  This letter is to inform you that my personal investment to this blog has unfortunately taken a back seat.  Recently I was brought on to a Milwaukee Brewers Blog as a contributor.  This past week the head writer was fired from his post, leaving an opening for a new head writer.  FanSided.com has asked me to write no less than 3 articles a week in order to see if I am ready to take over as head writer of said blog.  You can imagine that this is very exciting, but also very time consuming. 

     Since this blog is my first love, I could not let it go without love and care.  That being said, I would like to formally anounce that Brian Sweeney will be taking on a larger writing load this week.  We are very fortunate to have a man of his talents and skill set at our disposal.  I will still have a collaborative hand in this weeks posts, but Brian has graciously agreed to take on this weeks postings by himself.  There is no doubt in my mind that you will show him the same amount of support and disrespect you have shown me. 

     My hope is to know by this weekend if I will take over the Reviewing the Brew website.  Once I know one way or another, you will all be notified and I will re-establish my role.  We have had a wonderful regular season, now let's have a strong playoff finish.  Best of luck to the four teams playing this weekend.  I will have Wally's picks up either today or tomorrow. 


Humps and Kisses,

Louis Charles Olsen

Editor/Contributor
WWS Weekly

Fan Mail

    Gents, today I received this e-mail from a fan of our league and it touched my heart.  So, I have decided that you all deserve to read this letter.  I hope after reading this you all understand how important this league is. 

Dear Webmaster Olsen,

This may be unusual, but I can't hold back my deeply emotional reaction to this week's elimination of two of my favorite teams and coaches -- I had to write in. Yes, this is Sebastian Bach, lead singer of Skid Row and noted sentimental drunken pseudocelebrity. I've been following WWS Weekly in its first year and I must say, I'm hooked.

I feel a deep connection to each of the coaches, the players and the celebrity contributors. Saying goodbye to Ryan Leaf last week was difficult, but because it was "goodbye" for the second time, I was able to maintain my composure. Now, as we bid farewell to the WWS Madison contingent, my heart swells with sadness. Tonight has been a three-broken-wine-glass night, so you know I'm truly distraught.

I have spent the night in a bar, at the bottom of a bottle of red wine, buying "I Remember You" over and over on the jukebox (any jukebox without our first album is scarcely a jukebox at all -- you can quote me on that). But I digress. Chupas and Firebirds, know that out in L.A., there is a golden-locked, ass-kicking, huge-dicked rock star mourning your elimination from playoff contention. I'll miss you, but don't forget: I remember you. Gentlemen of WWS, raise a glass, crank the volume and hit play.


Your fan,
Sebastian Bach

Goodbye Madison, Thanks For The Memories

article by John Travolta

     It's good to be back.  For those of you who were wondering I went on what we Scientologists like to call "A Scientology Safari".  It is where we take our Thetan's out into the wilderness, often to perform very important religious rituals or just to have crazy sex.  Thetan's love sex.  Anyway, I am glad to be back and just in time for the playoff picture to take shape.  My congratulations to the 6 playoff bound team, but today I would like to say goodbye to the Madison teams in the style of my favorite show "The Bachelor"......."ette".  These two teams were mathematically eliminated from the playoffs this weekend.  Let's say goodbye to our homies:

Warning: The following segment is in no way a reflection of the thoughts or views of WWS Weekly (Lou).  All thoughts are the sole property of contributor John Travolta (also Lou).  All commentary is in good fun and in now way a reflection of my actually feelings towards anyone(Nic, not personal).

Coach Kurt 'Davy' Wagner, would you come on down.  John has something he would like to say to you.   

Davy, over the past few weeks you have shown me so many things about myself.  Mostly deep, dark, horrible things that are better left inside.  Your team is so terrible at home.  I mean really, just fucking pathetic at home.  You have some really nice pieces, but no one wanted to get hot at the same time.  You look really good on paper.  Obviously Adrian Peterson has a share of the blame.  You drafted him because he is one of the best.  There was no way for you to know how bad the Vikes would end up being.  Matt Cassel has been a nice surprise for you.  Too bad his appendix is a pussy.  I wanted to be able to tell you something to keep your spirits up, but I've got nothing for you.  Ryan Leaf told me that you were a pretty cool dude, so I hope that next year you catch a better break.  Sadly, you will not be getting a rose tonight Davy.  Goodbye.   




Nic Tyson (right) and Davy Wagner (left)



Coach Nic Tyson, would you join Mr. Travolta.  He has something he would like to say to you.

Nic, I hate you so much.  You left Ryan Leaf hanging for an interview and let him believe you were dead.  Too be honest, I have hated your team since they scored 62 points on opening weekend.  The only reason I am even doing this for you is because Olsen likes you, which is only so because Sweeney likes you and Chuck likes you.  Your team is embarrassing.  For fucks sake you traded FOR Carson Palmer AND Jay Cutler.  How high were you that week?  You are contagious, even Wally won't pick you anymore and he is a dog who is only motivated by treats.  Next year you should change your team name to something less tequila induced folklore-ish.  What kills me inside, is that I have to respect you because you are clearly the best team in Madison.  You beat the Firebirds both times you played this year.  For that, I salute you.  Better luck next year Slutty Slutty Bang Bang.  You are not getting a rose tonight, so get the fuck out of here. 

     The rest of you do receive a rose because you are going to the medium sized dance.  Let us take one last second and give it up for our departed comrades.  (pause)  Ok, fuck those guys.  Let's get to this weeks games.


Week 13 Review

DINGLES    vs    HUMPERS
     107                         149

     Who cares.  These two teams clinched their roses last week, so this was a low pressure game.  The Tree Humpers did clinch the division and lock up a first round bye in the playoffs.  The Poo Berries lost their shot at the division, but they currently hold the #3 seed in the playoff picture.  Aaron Rodgers went ape shit and lead all scorers with 32 points.  Neither coach really put too much into the game, so who cares about what they had to say after the game.


CLAMS    vs    BLACKIES
    102                      97

     Again, who cares.  Both teams are going to the playoffs.  At this point they are just playing for pride.  Who knew that a fresh water mussel would have more pride than a team of Black.....tions.  The Blacks have now lost 5 straight games, but still have a seat in the postseason.  Pretty pathetic way to back into the playoffs.  Looking at this roster, I don't think they are going to be making much noise any time soon.  Injuries and inconsistency are brutal.  As for the Clamie Cakes, they are looking pretty good right now.  Even with Peyton Manning in a funk he is finding ways to win games. 
     After the game we talked to Brian Sweeney:

Winning games is always good.  I did not really break a sweat over this game though.  If we won, great and if we lost who the fuck cares.  John can we do this later, I have hookers waiting for me back at the hotel.  Since I'm in Alaska hooker means grizzly bear. 

CYO    vs    CHUPAS
 107                 91

     This game was not as important to the CYO as it was to the Chupas......wait what am I talking about.  The Cabras where eliminated going in.  My fault.  This game also served no purpose other than to give the CYO someone to scrimmage.  By winning, the Choke Jobs have clinched the division and that sought after first round bye.  This was the snoozer of the week, arguably the best team in the league versus the worst in a game that has no implications for either team.  Boring.  Congrats to Coach Derr and his crew of ex-cons. 


BIRDS    vs    RAINBOWS
   99                      100

     There is only one thing that is relevant to this game, and that is this quote by Coach Davy

You forgot to mention that Dan has a chance of losing to me tonight. And as we all know, losing to me is quite embarrassing. Though I may be jumping the gun on this, as well as setting myself up for even more ridicule, I don't think it matters.

Just a few short hours later, Tom Brady scored 35% of the Rainbows points by himself.  What a horrible way to go down.  Congrats to the Rainbows for not giving up when it looked pretty bad.  Remember good teams have the best luck and bad teams have the worst luck.  Thus is the story of the Firebirds season.  Tom Brady lead all scorers this week with 37 points.  Wow.


     Well, that's all I know right now.  Here is the hot wife of a lame professional football player.  Jennifer Walcott is the only reason to ever watch that steaming pile of crap American Pie Band Camp. Her main claim to fame comes from Playboy spreads. She is currently dating safety Adam Archuleta. 

Super Mario Bros. Red Shroom Breakdown

article by: Mario Mario and Luigi Mario


   Heeeeere we go.  Hello everybody.  It's me Mario and my brother Luigi.  We have-a been following your league all season and-a we wanted to become analysts.  Mr. Olsen was-a kind enough to let us break-a-down the games being played tomorrow.  This is-a more exciting than the time we saved-a the Princess Peach from Bowser.  I hope we do not-a disappoint.

     We already-a know that 3 teams are in the playoffs, CYO, Tree-a Humpers, and the Dingleberries.  With-a three spots to go, the other teams need to make a statement this weekend.  Me and-a my brother Luigi are gonna give you some in depth loooks at the teams playing this weekend.  Enjoy-a!!


Mario Bros. Breakdown  

Firebirds vs. Rainbows

by Luigi Mario

Firebirds -- The paradox of the Firebirds is that despite having what appears to be a decent team, they keep losing and losing. It's gotta be tough living in Madison these days (the NFL's Ohio, Bengals and Browns). Despite his hardships, Coach Davy can still say he has put together a decent team and appears to just have been straight up boned by chance on this one. Matt Cassel is a good QB, averaging 19.5 points per week with the red hot Chiefs, but in the QB2 position the Feathered Flameout has had some serious problems. This week sees a change at the position, swapping Shaun Hill, injured last week, for Seattle's Matt Hasselbeck. It's heads-or-tails whether Hasselbeck performs for Davy Jones, which are better odds than the good coach has on most of his dates.  At this point, I think Davy's just doing what we all did at that lonely high school dance after party - hoping for next year.

Rainbows -- After a tough loss last week in which his bench players outscored his starters 43-7 (3 WRs and a TE), the WWS world is questioning the competency of the Gayblow leadership. At press time he had the same starters that disappointed him last week set to play again vs. the Featherdusters. Perhaps he's busy changing diapers or whatever, but he needs to realize that Alaska's Affirmative Jesse Blacktion is creeping up on Cozine's Rainbow PUSH Coalition. It's true that Tyson is in the cellar in the West, but Dan-o clinches a playoff berth if he gets a win this week. He'd better pull it off, as next week he faces the mighty Chicago Poopmongers in the last regular season match.



Turds    vs    Humpers

by Luigi Mario

Poop-Raisins -- If a tree falls in the forest and there is no one there to hear it, does it make a sound? That question comes to mind when analyzing the clash of the WWS titans in this week's Coaster Bowl. With both teams most assuredly in the playoffs, pretty much no one, not even the coaches, gives a damn about the outcome of this game. Notable additions for the Malevolent Dictator and his poop goons this week include swapping out the Browns on D for the Chargers and dropping LT in favor of Pierre Thomas, who is currently injured. Also notable is the hilariously short-lived return of Vincent Jackson, who injured himself almost immediately upon touching the field in Indy, and will likely sit out this week against Oakland. When he comes back, though, Chuck will again have a decent receiving corps. Don't forget, though, that this team has the fewest points scored against it this season of all eight squads. There is a chink in his armor.

Speed Humps -- Placing second in overall points scored, the Seattle team is no small potatoes. The man with the plan obviously has an interest in the game, since he won't stop updating that fucking blog, so no question of leadership there. His flight to the playoffs is in-hand and non-refundable, so he clearly has nothing to lose this week. Look for this team to pull out all the stops this week. Perhaps he will even play his new WR, Deion Branch (he dropped Brandon Tate), who is a dangerous choice going up against the Jets (avg. points 6.7), but coming off a 23-point game against Detroit. The rest of the league has to face facts, though: 12 of his 16 players are averaging double-digit output each week. It will take a mighty blow to fell this tree, this week and in the playoffs. Sharpen your blades and get ready because you will likely have to face this silly bitch, and you'll have to take him seriously.

Clams   vs   Aff/Black

by Mario Mario

Clams -- Got off to a hot start, but hav faded as of late.  At this point they just need a Firebird loss in the next two weeks to get into the Winter Formal.  They are still mathematically alive to win the division, but only if they win out and the CYO lose their next two.  Once they are in the playoffs, there are some things to be aware of.  This is a much more explosive team than they might look on paper, especially at WR.  Dwayne Bowe has scored 20 or more points in 5 games this season and Brandon Lloyd has scored in the double digits 8 times!!  Fucking Brandon Lloyd?!?!?  True story.  This team’s biggest flaw is bad timing, the Clams were on the losing end of the two highest scoring outputs of the season back to back.  CYO racked up 167 points and the next weekend the Humpers put up 173 points. 

Aff/Blacks --  Another team that was hot to trot out the gate, but now finds them self in 3^rd place of the West division.  They are fortunate that the Chupacabras are in the West because their schedule is rough the next two weeks.  This game is a good matchup for the Blackaroo’s.  They took a major hit to the receiving core when they lost Hakeem Nicks to injury.  Lance Moore is not the answer.  Clearly they have one of the strongest QB duo’s in the league in Phil Rivers and Samuel Bradford, but they are blowing serious wiener right now.  I am talking about an enormous dong.  They have lost 4 in a row…..they used to be 5-2-1 and now they are going to slide into the playoffs on a Chupacabra carcass.  They need a win for pride, so they better put on their big boy pants this week.

CYO   vs   Chupacabras

by Mario Mario

CYO -- They have the best record in the league.  In early season power rankings they were not even considered a factor, but that is why we play the games.  Starting Michael Vick and Ben Roethlisberger has been the key to his success.  Pairing a man convicted of mass K-9 genocide and a man known for his ability to rape chubby chicks in public bathrooms.  The backlash from the media was enough to drive anyone’s psyche to the brink of self mutilation.  Under intense strain, Coach Derr stuck to his guns and it has put his team in line to get a first round bye in the playoffs.  This team is pretty solid at every position.  If you want to beat him, you have to outscore him.  This game is a must have and gets you one step closer to that week off. 

Chupacabras – They have the worst record in the league.  In early season power rankings they were not even considered a factor, well that hasn’t changed.  He has some talent at RB, but everything else is pretty thin.  He made two big mid-season moves by acquiring alcoholic Jay Cutler and my grandma Carson Palmer on the same weekend.  Those deals were bad.  The WR’s are good on paper but have really underperformed this season.  They have swept their cross-town rivals, the equally pathetic Madison Firebirds.  So at least they can hold their heads up around town, but this week they are just way over matched.  While they are still mathematically alive, they are as good as dead this week. 

Boom Goes The Dynamite

article by:  Me and Sweeney

 

     No celebrities.  We talked about Leslie Nielsen, but he is way funnier than me so I thought the best way to show respect was to leave him alone.  Travolta is off on some Scientology Safari this week, but should be back to review games next week.  I have awesome news.  We at WWS Weekly would like to introduce the newest member of our writing staff, Mr. Brian Sweeney.  Many of you will hate this move, saying things like "Sweeney is a homo" and "fuck that tan guy".  True and true.  He also happens to be one of the finest writers in the land. 

 

     Without further adieu, Brina Sweeney's week in review:

 

 

 

BLACKS    vs    CYO

    108                   131

     The momentum speaks for itself in this matchup: The Negra Modelos had lost four in a row and the goddamn Choke Daddies continued a five game winning streak, clinching a berth in the playoffs. The despicable duo of Roethlisberger and Vick were not their usual high-performing selves, however. Vick did his usual thing, earning 27 points, but Big Ben disappointed with only 10. For the Alaskan Poon Pipeline (Craig), Rivers sucked it up with seven and Sam Bradford (really?) killed it with 30. Everybody else on the team except Jamaal Charles got fairly weak numbers, and on the Sleeping Ginger side of the coin, the CYOs' Peyton Hillis got a pants-crapping 37 points at RB. Combine that with a B+ performance from most everybody else, and you've got a solid win for the rallying CYO. Bonus points for most confusing team name, too. Craig, who this week suffered a huge blow with the season-ending injury suffered by mega-stud RB Frank Gore, may be overtaken by the 'Cabras if he's not careful over the last two games here.

 

 

HUMPERS    vs    FIREBIRDS

       125                         122

     Poor Davy nearly flailed his way to victory against the mighty Arborophiles this week, but came up a mere four points short. Exceptional performances from Cassel (35) and Welker (21) kept him in the running, but a more solid overall showing from Seattle pulled off the victory. Loudog does have weak points at TE and K, however, so watch that in future weeks -- it could mean the difference between the silver and the gold. As a side note, I was saddened to see that on Davy's bench, former Badger superstar and forever saver-of-the-Alamo-Bowl Lee Evans earned -2 points. What the fuck, man? I'm a sentimental bitch when it comes to the Badgers, but holy crap.

 

 

CHUPAS    vs    BERRIES

     77                       121

     Another lopsided match here, as the playoff-bound Poop Nuggets took on the last-place Bloodsuckers. Tyno may have saved some face in this 77-121 onslaught with different plays (he'd have been within 10 with some shuffling -- 34 points for Cutler??). But it seems this Madison team's fate was sealed from the start. The more visible of the two gingers in our fair league is a force to be reckoned with, and I'd appreciate a little help in systematically dismantling the Orange Doo Machine. I'm open to ideas.

 

 

 

RAINBOWS    vs    CLAMS

      115                         137

     Well, the Rochester Gaymos did pretty well this week for only bringing three players to the game. No, there were no REAL managerial miscalculations here (his bench did outscore his WR corps, but nobody could have predicted that), but oh Jesus did the team fail to show up. Brady, Orton and the Jets got 37, 31 and 26, respectively, but LITERALLY EVERY OTHER PLAYER REGISTERED IN THE SINGLE DIGITS. Chris Johnson scored flat nothing. What an asshole! I'll simply look at this as restitution for going up against the most points of anybody so far this wretched season. Sorry to deal you another loss right as you're kind of on the bubble there, Dan, but hey. A man's gotta look out for himself and take in the little joys. But you don't know what I mean anymore really. You're on a path to what amounts to 18 years of indentured servitude!

 

HAVE FUN!! SWEENEY OUT!

 

 

     Don't worry you dirty pervs.  I didn't forget about getting you a picture of some hot chick.  Her name is Bar Refaeli and if you do not know who she is, you might want to get checked out........you're probably gay.  Bye.

 

Wally Picks A Winner - Week 13

articel by: Lou Olsen

    This week things are a little bit off with the blog and for that I apologize.  Travolta took the week off, so this weeks in review will be handled by a surprise guest and should be on news stands tomorrow.  We also will be adding a new segment breaking down the weeks upcoming games.  These articles will be helmed by yours truly and fellow WWS head coach Brian Sweeney.  So, even though things are changing we still have Wally to confuse us and pick more losers than winners.

     Not this week though!!  Wally put up his best record in weeks by going 3-1 this weekend.  If only he wouldn't have put so much faith into Cozine's team of pansies.   His overall record was 12-19-1 goin ginto last week and now he has moved to 15-20-1.  There is still time for him to salvage a winning season, if you can believe that.  Let's see who Wally has mad love for this week.

Wally's Picks

Do you know where your slippers are?

Clams at the Blackies
     Wally Picks:  Clam Bam Thank you ma'am?

 

 CYO at the Cabras
     Wally Picks:  Choke Chains

Poops at the Humps
     Wally Picks:  Shit Stains


Birds at the Rainbows

     Wally Picks:  Gay Cowboys eating pudding

 

 

     Well let's see how my handsome K-9 companion does this weekend.  Our hope is that he will catch a littl fuego here and pick every playoff game perfect.  Be on the lookout for two new articles before Sunday.  I know it is short notice, but deal with it.  Well, I would wish you all good luck but fuck you guys right in the ear hole.  Have a safe weekend fellas. 

 

THE Interview with Ryan Leaf

this week: Kurt "Davy" Wagner
                Head Coach of the Madison Firebirds

     For this final interview, I wanted someone who wouldn't dodge the tough questions.  I needed a man who's brother is dating Kimbo Slice.  Or, perhaps a man who has no feeling in his nipples which has in turn left him with no feeling in his soul.  A man who lives with Satan's younger brother, Nic Tyson.  It couldn't hurt if he looked suspiciously like Davy Jones from The Monkees either.  There is such a man you say?  That's right, and he has taken time out of his busy schedule of doing anything other than fantasy football, to chat with me.

     Some of you may be wondering, "Ryan why didn't you gush like this about my interview?"  First of all, quit your bitching.  Second of all, he is the only one of you who sought ME out to do an interview.  When I told him this would be my final interview before I took my post as Charles Kinzie's personal bitch assistant, he was so excited to be my last interview that he puked.  The rest of you took me for granted and now I am leaving, so suck on that you self-righteous bastards.  This is without a doubt, one of the most candid interviews I have ever done.  I hope that you are able to enjoy it, while the tears pour down your cheeks.


R.L:  Davy, what is the story behind your mascot, the Firebird?

D.W:  As a young man, several of my friends realized that a specific piece of my chest hair looked like a bird.  Later it become more refined and everyone called it a Firebird.  I got sick in Vegas one night, the next thing I knew I had Firebird chest hair. 

R.L:  This past weekend you lost another game to your in city rivals, the Madison Chupacabras.  Have you considered moving the team out of Madison, in order to garnish your own fan base?

D.W:  You know Ryan, I had not thought about it but it is a pretty good idea.  Wait, did you just say garnish?  That makes no sense.  Clearly the Chupas own me right now.  That is something I may consider before the start of next season.  If it comes down to who has the smaller penis though, I will be staying in Madison and Tyson will be out looking for a new city to embarrass.

R.L:  This season you have been very quiet.  Is that all part of your strategy?

D.W:  If it was, I wouldn't tell you.  I don't like to let on to plans, certainly not this late in the season.  Honestly though, alot of my silence can be blamed on the ginger and all of his ginger bull shit.  Pay your dues, don't be mean, the trade deadline is coming.......ginger bitch.

R.L:  Whoa.  That sort of leads us into my next questions, how do you feel Chuck has done as the commissioner this year?

D.W:  He is a ginger bitch.

R.L:  Point taken.  Is there a team in the league that you are afraid to play?

D.W:  The Cupacabras.  No doubt about it.  Plus I live with the coach, so when I lose he just won't let it go all week. 

R.L:  Do you think your team will make the playoffs?

D.W:  (laughs, then says nothing)

R.L:  OK......I think.  This week you are playing the Seattle Tree Humpers, who just put up 173 points against the Clams.  How do you plan on stopping them offensively?

D.W:  For starters, I am going to do everything that Sweeney didn't.  His game plan was pointless.  My plan is to pull my head out of my ass and realize that I can not outscore them, but I can contain them.  Hopefully.

R.L:  This question was submitted by one of our readers, What is your favorite beer?

D.W:  Whatever is in the fridge

R.L:  (pause)  Is that it?

D.W:  Yea, why?

R.L:  Nothing, I was just told there would be some mumbling and something about a small penis, but never mind.  Have you taken joy in watching Coach Sweeney's Clams lose 4 games in a row?

D.W:  There are really no words to express how amazing it is to watch him self-destruct.  Plus now I can knock him out of the playoffs, which would be the greatest moment of life.  Not just mine, but all life.  The single greatest moment of ALL life, me getting the last playoff spot over Sweens.

R.L:  Now when we had Lou Olsen on the show, he asked me to ask you about something.  Has Carson Palmer ever knit you a sweater?

D.W:  Why would Carson Palmer knit me a sweater?

R.L:  Because he is on your team and......

D.W:  No Ryan, you have me confused with the other Madison team.  You are the worst interviewer EVER!!!!!!  Do you even do research before you meet with people?  I am glad you are leaving, because quite frankly you are horrible at this.  It's possible that you are a better football player than a journalist, not likely but possible.

R.L:  I'm sorry.  I didn't know I couldn't do that.  Umm, so hey.  Currently there is a vote on the table regarding keepers in the league.  What is your stance?

D.W:  Due to the extraordinary amount of offensive power on my team, I am voting for one keeper.  The way I see it, if my team only has one good player then so should everyone else's.  Hooray for me and to hell with everyone else!!

R.L:  Who are you going to keep?

D.W:  Matt Cassel

R.L:  Why?

D.W:  He scored 40 points in that one game, so I have to believe he will do it at least once next season too.

R.L:  Davy, if you were the GM of every team in the league, which coach deserves to be fired?

D.W:  Probably Coach Ginger Balls because I beat him.....twice.  Keep Sweeney because without him the league would be a hollow shell.  Blake Derr would also be on the chopping block, mostly because we at the Firebirds organization are pro-dog life.  Tyson should probably get fired too, mostly because I don't like him.  Everyone else would be safe.

R.L:  The last thing I would like to talk with you about is not a comfortable subject.  Is it alright if I ask you about the porch incident?

D.W:  Sure.  I took a dump on some body's porch.  It was a number 2 emergency and at the time that porch seemed like the best option. 

R.L:  Thank you Davy, for being so open and honest with me.  Now it's time for our questionnaire.  Which I stole from James Lipton, who stole it from Bernard Pivot, who actually stole it from Marcel Proust.

What is your favorite word?

D.W:  Giddy-up

R.L:  What is your least favorite word?

D.W:  Chupacabra

R.L:  What turns you on?

D.W:  Antonio Banderas Scented Cologne

R.L:  What turns you off?

D.W:  Fig Newtons

R.L:  What is your favorite curse word?

D.W:  Turd Burglar

R.L:  What sound or noise do you love?

D.W:  A good solid fart 

R.L:  What sound or noise do you hate?

D.W:  A good solid fart from somebody else

R.L:  What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

D.W:  Dishwasher at a strip club

R.L:  What profession would you not like to attempt?

D.W:  Dirty Pirate Hooker

R.L:  If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

D.W:  We're Closed!!

R.L:  If there is no heaven and you are reincarnated as some other plant or animal, what would it be?

D.W:  A sloth, I need to get my beauty sleep

R.L:  Well Davy, that is all for you.  Is there anything you would like to add?

D.W:  Yes Ryan, last week my team played to their full potential.  That's right take that in, try and wrap your brain around it.  My team is horrible, but I still look forwarding to beating the shit out of everyone of you.............next year.


     Parting is such sweet sorrow.  I will miss most of you and thank you for the amazing opportunity to sit and talk with you.  Since this is my last article at WWS Weekly, I would like to confirm that part of the champions prize is my 1998 Starting Lineup action figure.  It's a limited edition that I gave to Lou Olsen as a gift.  I guess that is what he thinks of gifts from famous athletes.  Olsen, you are a son of a bitch.  This blog is nothing without me.  Blake and Nic, no hard feelings.....but for the record you both missed out. 

     In closing I would like to leave you with my Championship pick.  Now I projected the entire playoffs in making my pick, here is how I think it will shake down.  I believe the CYO will make it to the championship game..............and defeat the Seattle Tree Humpers.  If you don't like it, tough shit.  Here I come Chuckles, you giant ginger whore.  For the final time.........

Leaf, out!!!

Wally Picks A Winner - Week12

article by: Lou Olsen


     Well, last weeks experiment was a total disaster.  Having said that, I want the dog to fell good so I am going to give him credit where credit is due.  No matter how you slice it, he went 2-2.  Since my experiment was a total failure, we are back at Wally picks a winner.  Keep in mind I did this on Thanksgiving Day, so I may have drunkenly written the wrong team names or something like that.  Well, hope you all had a nice Turkey Day.  Here are my dog's picks for the week:

Wally's Picks

Blackies at the CYO
     Wally Picks:  You Choking?

 

 

Cabras at the Dingles
     Wally Picks:  Poopy Pants


Rainbows at the Clams
     Wally Picks:  ROY G BIV (Rainbow Colors)


Humpers at the Birds

     Wally Picks:  Hump goes the weasel

 

 

   All we can do now is wait for Monday night to be over.  My hope is that Wally will go 4-0 at least one more time before the season is over.  Why don't we all get together and make that happen.  Look for the final Ryan Leaf interview of the season on news stands tomorrow.  I would wish you all good luck, but I am just not Irish enough to hand out that much luck.  Peace out bitches!!

 

Holy High Scores Batman!!

article by: John Travolta

     This week we saw some amazing offensive outputs, 6 out of the 8 teams scored 146 points or more this weekend.  Guys, this is what the people want and it is about time you gave it to them.  Nobody wants to see 86 - 92 fantasy scores, they want 173-159.  For the first time all season, I have mostly good things to write about.  That turn of events could lead to a boring article, but you know they can't all be Saturday Night Fever.

     Let's get this out of the way now.  The Rainbows and Firebirds where on the short bus this weekend.  With their scores combined they only scored 148 points.  I am surprised by this, especially after last weekends impressive wins.  Both teams are still right in the thick of the playoff hunt, but any loss this time of the season is not going to be good.  The Rainbows lose their hold on the division lead and the Birds miss a golden opportunity to pull ever closer to the playoffs.  Neither team can afford to lose next week, but both face tough tests in the Humpers and Clam Faces.

     The league scoring record was broken this weekend at Clark Sweeney Memorial Stadium, as the Seattle Tree Humpers scored 173 points en route to a 173 - 159 victory over the Clammy's.  Very rarely in this sport do you see a team score 159 points in a loss, but you can just add that to the list of tough breaks for the Clams on this 4 game losing streak.  From 5-2 and leading the division, to 5-6 and in danger of missing the playoffs all together.  Coach Sweeney has to be scratching his head after this weekend.  By far the most odd stat of this game, Coach Olsen had his TE score 0 points........yet they scored 173.  What a game.

     One last thing I'd like to touch on, this is going to be a very busy Blog week.  Squeak will be back with Power Rankings, Wally is going to be doing something, and of course the farewell interview from Ryan Leaf.  As we go into the final playoff push, things around WWS Weekly are going to get crazy.  Things could get out of hand.  Just a heads up.  Here are the games:


Week 11 Re-Cap


FIREBIRDS    vs    CHUPAS
       62                           160

     Is it possible that Nic Tyson, the most hated man in the history of John Travolta, could defeat someone by almost 100 points?  Yes, it is possible.  The universe aligned for coach Tyson and his team absolutely prison pounded the Firebirds, who had been coming off a two game winning streak.  Only two Firebirds players scored in double digits, neither breaking 20.  Tyson's team had 2 players score 0, but he still found a way to rattle off 160.  What the fuck Nic?  How can you be a dirty dog dump week in and week out, but then go out and demolish someone by this margin?  I thought it was impossible to hate someone more than I hate you, but guess what?  You topped yourself in the rankings.  I hate you more than now than I did last week, which I honestly thought was impossible. 
     Tyson sent this message in a bottle:

If you have found this letter, I am probably dead.  Should I still be alive and you find this letter, it means I swept the Firebirds!!  Truly the Chupacabras are the only Madison team to cheer for.  If you found this letter, but do not speak English, please take it to the nearest translator so you can be disappointed.  What can I say?  Disappointment is sort of my thing and I am not sorry. 

CYO    vs    RAINBOWS
 146                   86

     Another win for the CYO, puts their current winning streak at 4 games.  The Rainbows never had a chance in this game, the gays are a very non-violent people.  Meanwhile the CYO roster is nothing but mass murderers and fat chick rapists.  Now the Rainbows must re-group and get a win in D.C. next weekend against the clams.  As for the CYO's they hold the key to their own destiny, with a one game lead in the division and only 3 games to go.  Not much else to say about this game.  The CYO's police record was just too much for the clean and industrious homo's from Rochester.
     A few words from Coach Cozine:

Of course I am upset Travolta!!  How are you even a reporter?  Does Scientology give you the power of amazing insight?  No!  Stop coming to every game.  Stop calling my house at 2 am.  Stop coming by my house on Tuesday mornings for a sound byte.  Here is your sound byte for this week, "Pulp Fiction would have been better with Carrot Top playing Vincent".  Now get off my property you Hollywood piece of shit. 

BERRIES    vs    BLACKIES
     154                       146

Get it?  Black.......Berries.............

     This was a game that both teams needed to win, but when it came down to closing the door the Poop Patrol was able to take care of business.  The Blackies appear to be stumbling across the finish line a little bit.  With only 3 weeks left, you just can not afford to lose games, especially in this league.  Much like our game of the week, it is hard to score almost 150 points in a loss.  The only thing that the Blackies can do is knock off a convenience store and try again next week.  As for the Shit Storms, they played inspired football and they will need that ginger power to continue for the next 3 weeks.  Great game for both teams, but sadly we can only have one winner.
     The Ginger King had this to say:

I have been waiting all year for my defense to have a huge game and we finally got it.  They were probably mad that I made them eat some ginger pubes before the game.  What?  Sometimes you need to take drastic measures.  Some coaches scream and yell......I bake cookies with my pubes in it.  It's the only proven way to envelop that ginger power and hatred.  Look, if you told me that eating sheep shit would help me win games I would do it.  The Ginger pubes cookie works every time. 

CLAMS    vs    HUMPERS
    159                      173
    
     This game had so many emotions involved.  Obviously having Brian coach his first game in the stadium named after his father, was a big deal.  In retaliation, Sweeney announced that his stadium would be named after Coach Olsen's father.  Needless to say there is some bad blood between these two teams.  Not to mention that the last time these two teams played, the Clams got embarrassed at home.  The big story of this game was the scoring, a combined 332 points.  The Humperoos went bonkers, breaking the league record for points in a game (set last week by the CYO).  It is hard for me to imagine losing a game in which you score 159 points, but it is just another week for the Clams.  Having lost 4 games in a row, they do not have too much to be excited about right now.  This win puts the Humps alone in first place of the West division for the first time this season.
     Coach Sweeney jabbered on about nothing for a while:

Brandon Marshall is still a piece of shit.   Fuck Aaron Rodgers and his 38 points.  Fuck GREG JENNINGS WHAT THE FUCK AHHHHH and his 33 points.  Fuck the Steelers and their 22 point defense day.  Fuck you, by the way, Blake.  I'm taking over the blog for one day, and it's going to be all "Lou is gay" all the time.  I always end up at "anal" with you Travolta.  

     Gents, I can say without a doubt this was the most entertaining weekend you have ever had.  My hope is that this continues right into the playoffs.  This week we will continue our quest for the lamest players with the hottest wife.  Ex-NFL QB and current UFL QB Jeff Garcia is married to a lovely lady named Carmella DeCeasre.  This photo only proves that a ginger guy, with no real skills, can still land a smoking hot Spanish chick.  See you all next week!!

Wally Picks A Winner? - Week 11

article by: Lou Olsen


     Poor Wally.  He is just not good at picking the winner it turns out.  We are going to go a different route this week.  The team that he picks, is now the team that will lose the game.  So, to clarify what you are reading; The picks you see below are the opposite of who he actually picked, since he is terrible at picking the winners.  This week he went 1-3 to put his season total at 10-17-1, which has brought much shame to his family.  Remember, the teams listed as his picks are not the teams he chose but the opposite.  Let's see what we've got:

 

Wally's Picks

Dingles at the Blackies
     Wally Picks:  Who Flung Poo

 

Firebirds at the Chupas
     Wally Picks:  The Birdman of Alcatraz


Clams at the Humpers
     Wally Picks:  Clam City, USA


CYO at the Rainbows
     Wally Picks:  Double Rainbow

 

 

 

     If this little experiment works, we will call it Wally picks the loser from here on out.  Hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving.  I would also wish you good luck, but I gave it all to a stripper(I ran out of singles).  See you next week sluts.