Week 6 Recap: Jesus Pantyflinging Christ

by John Travolta

Another Sunday(/Monday), another bag of unpredictable and, dare I say, nonsensical fantasy football numbers. These results make about as much sense as me playing a tough biker. Three games were decided by fewer than two points, which has gotta be some kind of goddamn record. We're also getting into the part of the year when waiver wire pickups are a factor, sometimes providing a free boost to managers who pay attention and often raining down crushing blows by defying the high-flying prophecies of the fantasy analysis oracles. The ride isn't going to get any smoother from here on out, unless your name is Nick or Blake, so hold on. (And if your name is Nick or Blake, I'd like to invite you to the Travolta man-cave, if you know what I mean)

As a harbinger of what's to come, please enjoy this video of Coach Cozine and Coach Sweeney amicably shaking hands after the Jizz Bolts walked away with a 1.5-point victory:

Fasten your seat belts for a bye-ful week 7, folks, and let's take a look at this week's results.


Waukesha Gayshakers vs. The Alaskan Quacktion
              129.9                                       129

Holy shit, it's another barnburner, folks. Coach Derr wins by less than a nose - maybe a nose hair. Aaron Rodgers (29.9) continues to dominate the competition, while disappointing days from Moylan's Mashers  Felix Jones (5.3 - and an injury to boot) and Roddy White (4.1) put the rain cloud precisely over Horrible Male/Female Ratio Stadium in Alaska. To add insult to injury, playing Santana Moss (5.8) or Johnny Knox (6.1) of Moylan's beloved Bears would have given him the victory. It all came down to -- wait, am I reading this correctly? Yes, it appears Hell has frozen over, and Plaxico Burress (2.6) pushed Coach Derr right into the land of hegemony. Boner: Felix Jones for getting injured

Reached for comment after Monday's game, Coach Derr had this to say:

At first, I thought I would try a new strategy. I could crush him like an ant, but it would be too easy. No, revenge is a dish best served cold. I told myself I'd bide my time until the very last minute, when I decided to just crush him like an ant. Why does that sound familiar? Oh, right. I think Mr. Burns said that once. Well, I guess that's appropriate since I'm the one who's gonna be $225 richer in a couple of months.

Madison Bananagrams vs. Seattle Extreme Nature Lovers
                 124.4                                         156.1

What a banner week for Coach Olsen. Not only did he outscore Coach Davy J. by more than 25 points, his bench more than doubled the Madison misfit's. Both teams had a pretty decent output, but Ahmad Bradshaw (33) took the game out of reach for the old DJ. That's a shame, since Romo and Sanchez had damn fine weeks at 18.4 and 20.5 respectively, and Colston (24.8) really made a statement. It was the bottom three that showed the true double-divergence between these teams this week. Coach Loudog's Jimmy Graham (TE) blew the lid off with nearly 20 and his Jets defense matched that Monday night. Alex Henery, kicker for the Eagles didn't do too shabby either, with eight. In contrast, the Nanas' back end scored a whopping 2.8 points total. Ay caramba. Boners: Vernon Davis, Saints D/ST and Ryan Longwell

Coach Olsen responded to the victory after the game:

I just hope this team can get back on track now that we're at .500. I am feeling so good though, about our future, that I think I'm going to go put some rouge on to seal the deal. And maybe a nice, high-quality wig -- brunette, because I'm a bad girl. BOY. I mean boy. I've said too much.

D.C. Chowda Faces    vs    Rochester's Electric Semen
          100.2                                        101.7

I am not sure who's second QB was worse, the Clam Strips with Rex Grossman (-2.3 pts), or Zeus Splooge with Matt Moore (4.2 pts).  How do you compare a garbage bag full of horse shit to a garbage bag full of horse piss?  You can't.  This was the lowest scoring game of the week, which is very uncharacteristic of a Sweeney/Cozine showdown.  You may remember when they got into a fist fight after last years regular season finale.  Sweeney took offense to Dan winning, Dan disagreed.  As The Malaysian Man hand Coach Cozine approached Sweeney for a post game handshake, Sweeney whipped out his balls and placed them in his opponents hand.  After an initial stare-down, Cozine flicked the insanely smooth ball sack with his middle finger.  The rest, as they say, is history. 

Coach Cozine will take this weeks Boner Award, for falling for the Ryan Torrain hype.  That pick-up payed off in a tit pinching 2.2 points...which was actually the difference in the game.  Huh.  Guess I sort of walked right into that one.  So, good job?   I went to the press conference to tell you in person, but then I saw something truly disturbing.  Coach Cozine, alone, in the post game hot tub.  I couldn't help but ask him were his Malayasian Man-Puppet was:

Oh, he is visiting his mother Azzlina.  She has not been feeling well, so I made sure to pack him lots of chamomile tea and all kinds of special lotions.  I don't want him bringing back any freaky-deaky Malaysian diseases with him.  You never know what kind of creepy crawly things he is going to come back with.  One year he brought me a salamander...at least I think it was a salamander.  Well it was dark, and I noticed it's lack of arms and legs.  It kind of felt like a moist sausage...and it didn't move.  Ahh, it was a penis.  Just put that together.  What was the question? 

 Philly Fart Fencers    vs    Kenowhere AA Meeting
           131.1                                     159.4

This was a battle of the two highest scoring teams in the league this year and they did not disappoint.  Have you ever watched two swordfish fight on the surface of the sea?  Me neither, but I assume it would be kind of like that.  The biggest impact on this game was what Pierre Thomas did not do.  Boner of the Week - Pierre Thomas was able to force out a 0.6 point performance, which virtually doomed the Glory Hole Hooligans.  In order to beat the Alco-Klepto's, you have to have a few big performances.  Coach Nickelback does not have any big number guys, but he has a team of guys averaging 15 points a week...every...single...week.  Coach Ginger Spice could not even rely on his usual work horses, Brady and Stafford, to keep him in the game as both found themselves in tough defensive battles all afternoon.  Rendering them nothing more than good. 

Could we have witnessed a playoff preview?  Maybe, but this league is so mediocre that it is impossible to know.  One final note about this game, Coach Nickelodeon had no choice but to start this lineup.  He deserves zero credit for how well this victory worked out, because he had absolutely no choice.  4 Bye's, an injury, and Delone West....who the fuck is Delone West.  Clearly this was an easy lineup to set.  I tried to make him feel stupid about it after the game, FAIL:

Mr. Travolta, why would you ask such a stupid question.  Did you ever think that maybe I built my lineup specifically for this weekend?  Hmm.  Did you ever think that maybe I pay attention to the Bye Weeks when I am drafting?  Do you see me quesitoning you for wearing a ladies fat suit for a movie re-make of a Broadway musical, which was already a re-make of an 1980's John Waters film?  No!  We play the cards we are dealt Barbarino.  You stupid Italian homo!  Do you see me stopping by the set of Old Dogs to ask you, 'Hey John, couldn't you have had a better cast?'  No!  Because I am a strong, smart, totally straight man.  How about giving me credit for taking down a ginger?  Isn't that something your (makes quotation hand gesture) "religion" encourages?  You had better hope that Tarantino writes a script about a fat old closeted Italian man, who writes for a fantasy football blog.  If not, this is about as good as it is going to get for you.  Me, I am going to go home, do my taxes, stuff a ram I shot in Canada, and eat a ram steak.  Enjoy your post game hot tub. 

 Keno Shitty Pebbles    vs    Madison Tissue Trouncers
          128                                               129.2

The Hershey No-No Kisses season has been plagued by injuries and under-performance from franchise players.  Peyton Hillis continues to be nothing more than a white guy.  We all know that white guys do not make good running backs...at least not anymore.  Hillis left his coach high and dry by giving him 1.4 points.  That earned him a Boner this week. On the other side of the field, Nic Tyson has erased any memory of last season by delivering his 4th consecutive victory.  Wow...I never thought the day would come that I was impressed with Nic Tyson.  Then I took a look at his Kicker, who happened to score 20 points. 

Once I realized that Billy Cundiff was Tyson's 2nd leading scorer (Mendenhall had 20.6), all of that newfound respect vanished quicker than a scrotum in the snow.  Tyson's team is led by a common restroom rapist and a dirty liar and cheater.  Two men who truly symbolize what Tyson means to this league.  After the game, I asked Tyson to talk about what it felt like to steal something from the clutches of an old man.

Football is a game of inches.  Today I was able to sneak myself by the Tractor Trailer, probably sometime between Desperate Housewives and Modern Family.  He probably had a glass of red wine and was a little sleepy and I managed to sneak through his living room and right out the front door.  If it takes a kicker scoring 20 points to pull of a little extra ninja stealth, than so be it.  I honed my skills in High School, for I had a nosey mother you see.  Late, after a night of drinking Milwaukee's Best...Light, I would traipse home and have to sneak by my mother on the porch.  My years of training have made it virtually impossible for old people to stop me.  You would think it was the rugby, but it was actually the sneaking by my mom.  The rugby helps me to break hips and cash life insurance policy checks.  That's right, I'll kill your old person.  If the price is right.

 Thanks for reading, ladies. As your reward, here's a jack-o-lantern idea for the upcoming holiday:

COWABUNGA!!

Week 5: Neck and neck... and neck

by John Travolta

Hey you guys! It's Johnny boy again! I'm rather excited to report this week's results, so I''m starting a little early. I'm chilling here with my best friend Tom Cruise, watching the thrilling Monday Night Football matchup of the Lions of Detroit versus the Bears of Illinois.

We'll get to the hard-hitting fake football analysis shortly, but I wanted to take a moment to address my friend Hank Williams, Jr.'s recent troubles with ESPN. If you're unaware, the "worldwide leader in sports" dropped his immortal Monday night intro song, "All My Rowdy Friends are Coming Over Monday Night," after Bocephus merely spoke his mind about the state of American politics. He innocently compared a golf game between the president and my hero John Boehner to a meeting between the person responsible for the most human suffering and death in modern history and Benjamin Netanyahu, president of Israel.

He's not saaaaaaaaaaaying that Obama is Hitler -- he's just saying Obama is like Hitler in that deep down he wants to commit genocide against Boehner's people. So this is all being blown out of proportion. What's that, Tom Cruise? He said the president is "the enemy," along with Joe Biden? He called them the "Three Stooges?" But there are only two of them. Uh-huh? Oh. OK. Well, his first amendment rights have STILL BEEN VIOLATED! American citizens are allowed to say whatever they want and you can't fire them for it! What's that, Tom Cruise? Oh, damn it. They mean that you can't be fired from THE COUNTRY? Employers CAN fire people for making them appear to endorse extremist viewpoints? Shitty.

The voice of reason?

Well, at least the song isn't adapted for football from another version, about how the South "woulda had it made" if the Confederacy had won the Civil War. OK, Tom Cruise is telling me that IS, in fact, what that song is about. I'm starting to wonder why I get my political insight exclusively from Bocephus.

God dammit. It's still bullshit. That song, Confederate-sympathizing or not, was a part of the soul of Monday Night Football, and I'll miss it. Hardcore.

Welp! Time to get to brass tacks: FANTASY ANALYSIS!

Rochester Bizz Jolts vs. Seattle Hee Trumpers

             135.3                               135

Ho-lee poopwads. This was the closest final score in the storied two-year history of the West Wilson Street Revival fantasy football league. Not only that, it went right down to the wire. In fact, we spoke with Coach Cozine for possibly the first-ever actual post-game interview, recapping the Packers-Falcons game, in which both the JBs and the Randy Arborists' last hopes laid:

The Falcons got the ball with 1:10 left on the clock. My player, Tony Gonzalez, made a catch after which the Falcons declined a defensive penalty. If they had accepted, the catch would not have counted and I would have had 2.2 fewer points. 

That wasn't enough to win though.

 I needed the very next play, which was a mere 2 yard completion to T-Gon, which gave me 1.2 points, and overcame my .9 point deficit by .3. Atlanta finished it off by throwing an incomplete and an interception immediately afterward.

Meanwhile, the only player Lou had left in play, Julio Jones, was injured midway through the 4th quarter, thus assuring no way for him to get any last minute points himself. It was "the perfect storm."

Tom and I agree: "The perfect storm" could have been the lamest possible end to that blockquote, but look at the source, I guess. Anyway, Dan wins, and the fabulous fantasy predicting Wally is 0-for-1 on the day. Boners: Eric Decker and Tebowmania

Affirmative Sacktion vs. Madison Smashing Scrotkins

              109.3                                       147.9

It appears that either Coach Moylan of the Alaskan branch of the league is either on vacation and forgot to put someone in charge (next time talk to Cozine's Malaysian man-boy) or just conceded this week's game to a bye-week loss. This should serve as a warning to all you little boys and girls out there: Pay attention to bye weeks on draft day. Coach Craig entered the week five players short, and didn't make any waiver claims or anything to rectify the situation. He played short two positions, tight end and running back. 

But it appears Sherlock Cruise has locked onto a raging clue in this Scooby D'oh mystery: The Blacktion Attacktion had a tight end sitting on the bench the whole time! So, it appears old Moylan was caught with his pants down this week.

Coach Tyson was grateful for any victory at all:

Even if Moylan had his head too far up your mom's ass to set a roster or pay attention on draft day, so be it. I'm sure it's pleasurable for your mom, so let's just call it good. Madison will take anything that puts it above .500. [Crushes can on head, belches, blows snot rocket]. We ain't too proud 'round here.

Boner: Fucking Craig

K-town Tootpeggers vs Kenosha LiquiShits

            126.5                            105.1

In yet another crosstown rivalry match, Coach Nick and Coach Tractor Traylor clashed in a close-ish battle of the butts. Nick apparently only needs one quarterback, since despite Kyle Orton's spectacular -0.7-point implosion, he pulled off a victory by about 20. Fred Jackson put up a studly 30, and everybody else pretty much achieved what as expected of them. Add that to some less-than-spectacular days from Traylor's Crabtree (5.4) and Jordy Nelson (4.7), and you've got yourself a Hershey Squirt teabaggin' Tootpegger on your hands. And that smell stays on you for WEEKS. Believe me -- Tom and I know.

Tractor Traylor had this to say after the game:

I can't believe that little son-in-law assbag managed to pull off a victory against me. On top of that, I'm shocked he TRIED to beat me. Christmas is coming up. We will be eating some very large meals together... some very large meals high in tryptophan. Watch where you nap, Nick. I know I will...

Chilling. Boner: Orton

Philadelphia Butt Pirates vs. Madison Banana Hammocks

                   111.5                                     171.5

Coach Davy's doing something right. Either that or he's finally had that fateful business meeting with the Prince of Darkness. The results were tremendous this week for the Cack-Cradlers. Adrian Petersen (30.2) exploded, Dwayne Bowe (31.8) came out of nowhere and on-again-off-again A.J. Green (20) was on. Again. It was a monster day for Davy, but his lack of depth might hurt him down the road. Coach Chuckles the Clown has more consistency, but he suffered a double-swing when his bad luck combined with the Hammocks' good. Three of his five RB/WRs scored single digits and no one else, save Frank Gore (20.3) had a real high-performance day. 

Charlie, unable to cope with a loss in Madison, died in a puddle of his own vomit, blood and chicken bones after the game, and was unavailable for comment.

Boner: too blase to pick.

Waukesha Special Exceptions vs. Washington, D.C. Pseudopod Lightningrods

                      127.7                                           123.5

Coach Derr, amid a roiling controversy this week regarding his dues, entered Monday night behind by about 30 with two players in the MNF game: Jahvid Best and the Lions defense/special teams. Coach Sweeney felt confident going into the game, with Best averaging a mere 17.1 points per game on the season. Of course, the motherfucker scored 30, and the God damn Lions scored 5, helping asshole Blake to a 4.2 point victory.

Coach Sweeney was overheard shouting at the moon after the game while chain smoking:

Blake Derr, you cork soaker. You fargin sneaky bastage. I'm gonna take your dwork. I'm gonna nail it to the wall. I'm gonna crush your boils in a meat grinder. I'm gonna cut off your arms. I'm gonna shove 'em up your icehole. Dirty son-a-ma-batches. This is fargin' war!

Boner: Kevin Kolb (4.3)

 So there you have it. Another week in the bag. Tom Cruise and I are going to go get some ice cream, but we enjoyed this week infinitely more than the losers of these close, close games. Sadly, Wally was 1-for-5 on the week's predictions, meaning he needs to get his act together. Here's a picture of a girl making faces at a baby elephant. Toodles!

Wally Picks a Winner: Week 5

article by: Lou Olsen

     I know that I missed the first four weeks guys, but I need you to cut me a little slack right now.  With the Brewers in the playoffs, my time away from my day job and baseball is minimal.  I promise that once the baseball season is over, this blog will become the literary masterpiece you have come to expect.

     Let me tell you something, Wally loves this game.  In fact, I do not think that there is anything in my life that I enjoy as much as this dog likes to pick the winners.  So, here is what the dog came up with for this weeks match-ups. 


Wally's Picks


1)  Bootleggers    vs    Hershey Squirts

Wally Picks:  Chocolate Turds

All of this picking has made him sleepy...go away now.

2)  Butt Pirates    vs    Banana Hammocks

Wally Picks:  Captain Ass Sparrow


3)  Blacktion    vs    Scrotum Smashers

Wally Picks:  The Black Guys


4)  Jizz Bolts    vs    Tree Humpers

Wally Picks:  Shrub Thumpers


5)  Claymakers    vs    Clam Faces

Wally Picks:  Mike Tyson's Punch-Out

Week 4 Re-Cap: What a mess...

article by: John Travolta

Travolta fever, indeed

Well, well, well. You big boners can't seem to do anything right. All of the home teams lost, which is complete nonsense. Can someone explain to me how we have an entire division with the exact same record? Anyone? This makes less sense than Scientology. The only difference between Scientology and this league, is that I can believe Scientology!! Those of you belonging to the West division, make me want to puke on dog shit and watch a herpes infected hooker eat it. Your teams are soooo mediocre that you make the people of Switzerland are laughing at you. What does the East division have that you don't? And I do not want to hear anyone say the obvious answer which is a black team. Racist bastards.

On the bright side, there were no blowouts this week. All of the games were relatively close in score and I like that. There is one other thing that pissed me off this weekend though. Dan Cozine appears to have fired his Malaysian sex slave as head coach. In a surprise move, Cozine appears to have decided to be involved in the league this year after-all. The announcement was made...fuck it, who cares. He did say that we would retain the Malaysian as a "special assistant to the head coach." Now, I have not read the job description, but I assume that most of the responsibilities revolve around the "head" coach Cozine keeps in his pants. With this sudden change of heart comes a sudden change of name (no pun intended). The Rochester Jizz Bolts have been pulled from the dusty, mothball-infested boxes of the past to strike fear into....gay men's anuses everywhere. Congrats, Dan, on continuing to be the #1 asshole in this league. Keep up the bad work.

We are still waiting to hear if Commissioner Kinzie will force Blake Derr to forfeit his win last weekend against the Banana Hammocks. A vote is currently underway and things do not look good. Rules are rules. There have been constant reminders from the league web page to the very pages of this blog. Excuses are about as useful as Dan Cozine offering to draft your fantasy football team. Sorry, Blake. Pay your bills, son, or at least have the wifey do it for you.

Week 4 Re-Cap

Clams vs Squirts
  149        112.8

My heart goes out to the Hershey Squirts. First they lost Peyton Manning before the season even started, then this week Chad Henne completes 3 of his first 4 passes before getting sidelined with a shoulder injury. Times are tough in Kenosha. Meanwhile, the Clams are reveling in their dominant performance from their defense, who scored a nut numbing 3 TD's to rack up 32 points. Aside from that, the biggest difference was in the flex position. Coach Sween opted to go with Darren Sproles who rose to the occasion. While Big Coach Olsen went with newly acquired Tim Hightower, who went limp at the sight of the Clams defense for the second week in a row. Boner of the week: Chad Henne. Way to get injured in the first quarter, dummy.

After the game I caught up with Coach Sweeney about his big win:

Nothing makes me happier than getting a W at Brian Sweeney's Tiny Penis Field. This is a tough place to play, especially for me. I probably never should have named our stadium after Big Lou Olsen. It was meant to be a shrine to his memory, instead it just pissed him off. That team will get a chance to come to our place in a few weeks and hopefully we can thwart them again with our giant penises. Great job by our defense, can't wait to congratulate those guys in the shower.

Jizz Bolts vs Blacktion
  141.6            134.9

This was the closest game of the week, but not quite game of the week material...mostly because of my

hatred for Coach Cozine. His team won. Black guys lost. It must really burn Coach Moylan's ass that his deficit for the week was only 6.7 points, especially considering that LaDanian Tomlinson brought in only 1.1 points. Had he not gotten greedy (LT had 26 last week, but was inconsistent) and played the steadier Felix Jones (RB, Dallas), he would have won by 6. Boner of the week: LaDanian Tomlinson

Here is what Cozine had to say after the game to a squirrel:

Are you heading this press conference little guy? Would you like a Froot Loop? I have some in a baggy in my pocket. Will you be my friend? (holds cereal out for squirrel and it bites him) Damn it. I knew I should have drafted instead of going to the beach......

Treebangers vs. Bootlickers

      167.8                 155.3

What a stinker of a week for these quarterbacks. All four (four!) of them combined for less than 25 points. Let's ignore these ass-clowns entire for this analysis, shall we? Focus on the positive. That's what my anger therapist says. So, pretty much everybody else on both teams scored in the double digits, including the defenses. I realize that being in a PPR league increases scores, but this is ridiculous. Keep an eye on both of these sonsa bitches this year because their 2-2 records are deceivingly low. Boners of the week, because we can't always stay positive: Jay Cutler, Ryan Fitzpatrick, Sam Bradford and Joe Flacco

We spoke with Coach Olsen after the game:

Yes, darling. Another dirty. This time with some goddamn vermouth, please?? Oh, sorry, John. The help around here [puffs cigar], sheesh. Well, I'm just going to sit back and watch the points roll in from here. I've kicked that piece of trash Danny Woodhead to the curb, and signed Tavaris Jackson, so essentially everyone on my team is averaging more than 10 points per week. It's going to be another great season here in Seattle [adjusts monocle, gives waitress $100 bill and a room key].

 NUTS vs. DONG

  137.6       121.4

The storied battle of nuts vs. dong is finally complete. As it turns out, nuts beat dong, which was a total surprise to me. Cam Newton continues his campaign of shock and awe, raining down points on (almost) every contender. This week he had a scrotum-smashing 34.5. Romo didn't look bad for the Hammocks, but Sanchez scored -2.9, which is absolutely shoot-him-behind-the-barn-worthy. Other than that, Davy's team looks fairly solid, and once some early-season jitters smooth out, he will be a tough opponent. Example: Beanie Wells laid a goose egg last week, prompting Davy to bench him for this week's 31.8-point showing. With more data, oversights like this probably won't occur, so watch out later in the season. Coach Tyson has a big hole at RB, especially with Mendenhall, his top RB with 8.5 (yecch), potentially out with a hamstring injury. He did pick up Redman, Mendenhall's backup, but it remains to be seen whether he can carry the load for a struggling Pittsburgh offense. Boner of the week: Mark Sanchez

Tyson had this to say after the game:

I am so glad I jumped on Redman. I mean, I literally jumped on him and jammed my thumbs into his sternum until he had no choice but to join the team. This tactic has worked wonders for me in the past, but I have been burned once or twice. I mean, literally, Blake lit my armpit hair on fire. Thankfully, Redman isn't as crafty or stupid.

Clayfakers vs. Butt Buccaneers

      175                     163.2

This week showed a solid outing from both teams, in the highest-scoring game of the week. Tom Brady and Matt Stafford did well for Coach Kinzie, but Aaron Rodgers is insane. He put up 53.9 points all by himself. What an asshole. Both of these teams are forces of nature, but the Claymakers are definitely not playing the rope-a-dope, waiting for opponents to tire. The team is kicking ass from here on out, mark my words. Don't let the 2-2 record lull you into complacency. In addition, I'm sure the Butt Pirates have some degree of ass-burn, having scored the third-most points this week and still losing. Boner of the week: Nobody

Coach Kinzie's live-in girlfriend Natalie had this to say after the game:

Oh my God. I'm so scared. He's destroyed the entire house. Now I know why they call him the Master of Disaster. Please let him win this week so I can begin rebuilding.

And that's that. This is a scary league to be in, folks. Here's a picture of the scariest guy in the league's girlfriend.

Destiny Newton. Destiny Newton-Rodgers?

Week 3 Chit-Chat

article by:  John Travolta

     This weekend was so exciting, I had to have my teets milked.  True story, busted out the old titty milker and went to town on my man boobs.  Let me tell you, it was well worth it.  Now there remains only one undefeated team, that being those pesky Butt-Pirates from Philadelphia.  The Kenosha Bootleggers suffered their first defeat at the big strong hands of Coach Craig and his army of Black ASS-asins.  This weekend also turned this league into a league full of losers, only 4 teams have winning records through the first 3 weeks. 
  
     My personal favorite part of this weekend, was picking my Boner of the Week...for every single game.  This week was chucked full of boners.  From defenses getting blown away, to a certain WR scoring 50+ points...on the bench.  The only boner not to be included in this discussion, is the one that is now perpetually thrust into coach Dan Cozine's mouth.  Not only by his fans, but by the media, and his Malaysian sex slave/Head Coach.  Realistic scores usually mean that someone on each roster, was sporting wood.  That being the case, rather than the usual awards, I will be awarding a boner of the week award to each of the 5 games played.  Wear those boners with pride going into week 4 gentlemen.  

     On a side/business note.  Not a one of you volunteered to be the first interview for this season.  May L.Ron have mercy on your thetan.  That being said, this seasons newest interview expert..........Tim Couch, issued this statement. 

You all thought Leaf was a dick, well guess what you limp dicked fox fuckers?  He was, I am a much nicer guy and twice as intelligent.  Sorry about the fox fucker stuff, but I needed y'all to know that I mean business.  Look forward to talking with each and every one of you over the course of the season. 

Obviously Tim Couch is no Ryan Leaf, but we should accept him.  Again, if you want to get in line for an interview lou.c.olsen@gmail.com  is the address to send your interest too.  So fucking do it already. 


Week 3 Re-Cap

Nut Swings    vs    Ali's Fist
     109.9                   119

I am starting with this game because the outcome may not matter.  Based on an anonymous tip from Charles Kinzie...whoops.  The word on the street is that the Claymakers may not have sent payment to the Commissioners office in time, and therefore would forfeit their first W of the season.  Look, I posted it on the blog and Chuck plastered it all over the league home page.  If this goes down as an L for the Claymakers, then they have no one to blame but head coach Blake Derr.  To lose to a Madison team by forfeit is a new low.  Now, remember that this is all speculation and has not been confirmed by the Commish's office.  However, it is highly reported amongst the WWSR press outlets...me.  I was able to catch up with captain Banana Hammock himself, Coach Davy, after the game.  Boner of the Week:  Blake Derr

I mean, I probably should have known that Beanie Wells wasn't gonna play.  That was my bad, but to be honest I hope Blake didn't pay his dues.  My mother had a saying, 'never look a gay horse in the mouth'.  So, if things shake out to a win for my team, I will run until my legs spontaneously combust.  I will make Forrest Gump look like he was running in the Special Olympics, I will run so fucking far!!  I love acid!!!!!!   

Butt Chocolates    vs    Butt Chocolate Swashbucklers
       102.7                                  125.5

This game could have gone so  many different ways.  If legendary father, Lou Olsen, would have played Wes Welker he would have banished the Butt-Pirates to their favorite place...somewhere deep, dark, and kind of stinky.  But, Olsen decided to go with legendary under-producer Deion Branch.  Meanwhile, the Fannito-Bandito's continue to ride the wave of power that is Tom Brady and Matt Stafford.  Thanks to Wes Welker not playing, Chuck-it-to-me has placed himself in the undefeated circle alone.  Only three weeks in and the Butt-Pirates appear to be destined for playoff glory-hole.  Brady is currently on pace to score well over 500 fantasy points this season and is on his way to being the best fantasy pick of this years draft.  After the game I spoke with Coach Kinzie about something not related to butt-piracy: Boner of the Week: Deion Branch

Listen Travolta, I have had enough of your shit.  I already heard that you leaked the PRIVATE information I gave you about coach Derr.  That was supposed to be on the down low!!  You pinky swore man...does a pinky swear mean nothing to you.  You know what, I think at the end of this season I am going to fire your ass.  You are the worst reporter this staff has ever had.  That's right, you are worse than Leaf and Olsen put together and you will NEVER be as good as Wally.  Now get out of my face before I write a script for Grease 3 and force you to perform it as a one man show.  Lord knows you need the money.

Nut-Sack Slashers    vs    Big Flaming Homo Team
          143.6                                     100.8

Nic Tyson and I have had our differences in the past, but I was very excited to see him get his first victory of the season.  My cock was even harder when I saw that he was playing against the Phantom of Fantasy Football, Dan Cozine.  Who once again chose to send a small Malaysian dressed in leather and chains to coach his team, and once again...it showed.  Darren McFadden accounted for 1/3 of Cozine's entire point total.  On the other side of the field, every member of Tyson's team got involved in the scoring en route to his first victory of the new season.  The dynamic duo of Greg Jennings and Calvin Johnson, continues to prove that they can win games for you all by themselves.  After the game, I had a brief interview with Coach Tyson:

Me:  Hey Tyson?  Did you know that Coach Cozine had his dues paid by his wife?

Tyson:  That can't be true.
Me:  No, seriously.  The Commish told me that when he got the check it was signed by Mrs. Cozine.
Tyson:  That is awfully gay, but why are you telling me this?
Me:  I want us to be friends.
Tyson:  No deal.  I've been hurt by you too many times before  (sprints to the locker room)

Oh and this:  Boner of the Week:  Cozine's Malaysian Sex Slave...literally


Booze Hounds    vs    Lights, Camera, Blacktion
        163.5                                   173.1

This game would have been game of the week, butt he score was not quite close enough.  What this game did have, the two highest point outputs of the week.  The win for Blaxploitation pushes their record to 2-1, while the loss for the Gin and Tonics dropped them to 2-1.  Place your bets now, one of these two teams will be winning the West this season.  Do yourself a favor go look at the box score of this game.  It is absolutely stunning.  Nothing quite like watching two large, strong, sexy men teams going at it.  It was hard to do , but... Boner of the Week:  Patriots D/ST 

After the game I approached both coaches, but the Black team prison raped me and the alcoholic team poured booze into a funnel which was connected to my....ass...don't touch my...


Game of the Week

Fern Fuckers    vs    Fuzzy Clams
      147.6                        150.3

This contest really came down to one player, Tim Hightower.  Now, there are two things we know about Coach Olsen Jr., he does not like losing and he takes his tea in the east wing.  So, when Hightower failed to score the remaining 2.7 points the team needed, he was immediately traded.  Coach Sweeney had to feel good, knowing that Hightower was nothing more than a busted ass, used 1989 Ford Taurus.  With the victory, the Clams keep pace with the Butt-Pirates in the East.  Whilst the reigning champs join the other 5 members of the 1-2 club.  Boner of the Week:  Jets D/ST   After the game we were fortunate enough to talk with both coaches.  I asked them each the same question:  How now, brown cow?

Sweeney: I will take your nonsense as a compliment.  We played well today.  It is always a nice feather in your giant cap to take down the champs, but we have a lot of work to do...foreplay mostly.  Time to get ready for some cocoa turds.

Olsen:  There is something very wrong with you.  I traded Hightower about 5 seconds after the game.  Don't need guys who can't finish.  You can't keep stroking a guy over and over again and get no results.  He's Dad's problem now.  Good luck getting any magic juice out of that guy. 


Well, we had another exciting week.  As is tradition, below you will find a picture of WWSW's newest reporters wife.  Tim Couch may have been a horrible football players, but women really only care about the money.  Enjoy the titties you queers. 

Week 2 in Review

article by John Travolta

     Boy, this week was pretty much the exact opposite of last week.  Last week we had some close games, one 7 point game and even a 1.3 point game (Week1 Game of the Week).  But this week was blow-out after pathetic blow-out.  We had one team lose by just shy of 100 POINTS!!!!  Are you shitting me?  100 points seperated winner from loser.  This week was awful, so because of that there is no game of the week this week.  Maybe if you guys would play better we would not have this problem.  So don't come crying to me, you did this...not me. You guys were worse than "From Paris with Love".   

     Before we dive into the games, some quick business to attend to.  For the love of  L.Ron pay your damn dues.  No one wants to have a game taken away from them because they are too lazy to pay $25 and put a stamp on an envelope.  Please, pay your dues, otherwise Chuck won't stop bitching about it.  Also, if you have any interest in doing the first interview with this years special guest, send Lou Olsen an e-mail at lou.c.olsen@gmail.com.  First come, first serve.  The first person always has the best interview.  After that it will be on a volunteer basis, accept for Tyson who has agreed to consider doing an interview this year.  Way to be the bigger man Nic.  Two trades going down this week, Butt-Pirates and Booze-hounds struck a deal swapping QB's and WR's and earlier this afternoon the Humpers and Scrot Smashers completed a QB and RB swap. 

Week 2 Wrap-Up

Bootleggers    vs    Scrotum Smashers
      211.6                         112.5

Why start with this one?  Because it was the worst game of the week.  Here is something very telling,  our alcoholic friends worst output from a non K or D/ST position was 15 points.  Meanwhile, the Ballbag Beaters best player non K or D/ST, put up 19 points.  The expansion Bootleggers are off to a stunning 2-0 start , while the Madison boys are getting those shit stains all over the bed early.  It's hard to watch a team get throttled like that, especially when you know that the team getting throttled is trying really hard to not get throttled.  Then with so much throttling, it turns sexy and a little awkward.  This game was 0% sexy and 100% awkward.  Whose scrotum was really smashed here?  P.S- I am not sure, but I feel like 211 is the league record for points.  I will have to do some research, either way Bravo on an amazing performance this weekend Coach Leting.  Neither coach had any interest in talking to me, so here is a quote from Damon Wayans:

From now on, my little group of shaved scrotum sacks, you will walk like me, talk like me, and until you win some games, you will be bald like me.

Butt-Pirates    vs    Clam Faces
     160.9                      111.5

This probably could have been the game of the week, but these two spend more time talking then they do actually playing.  The Butt-Pirates were not intimidated by the countless beards in the crowd at Tractor Trailer Stadium.  Of course it was free beard night, but Kinzie never even flinched at the sea of homeless fans.  Tom Brady and Matthew Stafford combined to be the Co-Players of the Week, falling just shy of 70 points between them.  Coach Sweens has to figure out a way to get his WR's into the game and out of the strip clubs.  One of the most ferocious rivalries in this league, turned out to be nothing more than a post-intercourse poop for coach Kinzie and company.  The Wham Bam thank you Clams will have a tough test next week when the reigning champs come to D.C.  After the game we spoke to coach Kinzie about the victory:

When I built this team with my own two hands, I knew that my sole purpose was to destroy Sweeney and everything that he stood for.  Today was a good indicator that I may have succeeded in that goal.  To all of you furry clam lovers, how did it feel to be the 2nd gayest group of people on the football field.  I COACH WITH A GLITTER PEN!!! Stop booing me, this is John Travolta damn it!! Security!  So much hatred here, I can't take it.  Someone get me an Apple-tini...stat!!!

Hershey Squirts    vs    Banana Hammocks

       127.9                               190.7

Earlier in the week this was my lock of the week.  I did not think that the Dong Danglers had a chance against the Choco-Sharts.  But, thanks to the MVP of the Week, Miles Austin (41.1 pts), the Hammocks were able to pull away with this one.  The Squirts seem to have some things going, but Chris Johnson is still not carrying the load that he is used too...you heard me.  Meanwhile, the Hammocks have to be concerned about the health of Tony Romo, who loves playing for coach Davy so much that he had broken ribs, a punctured lung, severe pneumonia, a dislocated spine, 7 broken fingers, and we have initial reports that he may have contracted AND cured AIDS this week.  No telling if he will be able to play next week.  We talked with Coach Davy about his first victory since beating Tyson a bunch of times last season:

It feels really good to beat a team that does not have the word 'Madison' in front of it.  Tony Romo was my hero today.  I was also glad to see that Adrian Peterson had not contracted football syphilis from Donavan McNabb.  I can tell you one thing, the Squirts are much better than they were last season  (puts hand over microphone).  Never mind, I retract my previous statement and replace it with, the Squirts are not bad.

You heard it here first "The Squirts...are not bad"

 
Blacktion    vs    Tree Humpers
   148.6                     92.4

This game was a head scratcher.  The Champs got blown out of their own stadium by a bunch of black guys wearing all black jerseys and helmets.  It was like watching the night take over the day.  Let's waste no time in crowning, Boner of the Week - Matt Cassell who threw for a nut crunching -2.7 points.  Really the Humpers overall deserve this award.  The team looked like they had better places to be, like plating and sexing trees.  Let's not take anything away from the Dark Knights, aside from Felix Jones they look like a team ready to take the next step (whatever that means in fantasy football).  In order to celebrate their victory, the robbed three Seattle banks and put 7 strippers through college.  one thing is for sure, no team celebrates a victory like those Blackies.  Here are some victory words from Coach Craig:

Dominance...boner inducing...classy...awe-inspiring...breathtaking...shocking...terrifyingly wonderful...prostate exam...prostitutes...Charlie Sheen

Man-Handlers    vs    Claymakers
     199                             153.3

Well, at least it was nice to see that coach Cozine took my advice, did the right thing and named his team after the real head of that team.  The newly named man-handlers had no problem handling or making clay this weekend.  Although this was the "closest" game of the weekend.  It still did not merit being the game of the week.  However, this game did have the MVP of the Week, Jeremy Maclin who racked up an astonishing 42.2 points.  Which almost makes up the entire deficit for this game, but not quite.  Even if it were not for Mr. Maclin, this game was destined to send last year's silver medalist reaching for answers.  If a team like the Claymakers can be beaten by a team that is run by a half-man, half-ape Malaysian sex slave, then who won't be able to withstand the Claymakers?  Since i could not find Cozine or Blake after the game I went for the Malaysian Man-handler:

Misser....Dan.......hea......rike.......to.......maka......me.......foosbarr........coke.  Soma time....he...leta.....me.....massage....a....hiis......taint.......I.....do....no.....mind....da.....taint.  He ....keep....it.....nice......an....crean.  Him...say....it...make....me....betta......foosbarr.....coke...tha ...taint.....I ...mean

Well, that's it for your old pal John Travolta.  I guess I will go home and have some sex.  Although, I was invited to a Malaysian Man-Handler after party....NO!!!  That time in my life is over-ish.  Anyway, here is something hot from the realm of football.  This is the hottest picture I could find in the Lingerie Football League.  Until next time, stay classy you slut socks. 

   

Fuck My Life, by Nate Kaeding

article by: Nate Kaeding

Kaeding sad

Kickers are not always the most revered or respected players on the team.  Fine.  I get that.  We wear special shoes, only play a handful of downs and can't tackle for shit.  We aren't the strongest or fastest players on the team.  You never see kids wearing a Gramatica or Longwell jersey.  It's a tough role to fill, but someone's gotta do it.  Am I right?

Then one bright Sunday morning, I thought all of that was going to change.  I was just sitting there, minding my own business, watching all the cool players get drafted, and BLAMMO!  I hear my number called.  I had to pinch myself to make sure I wasn't dreaming.  But it was no dream - I was being drafted by the Rochester Rainbows as the starting kicker!

Oh God, I was on cloud nine.  I felt wanted.  I felt useful.  For the first time in my life, I didn't hate what I had done or where my life had ended up.  My head was all a-tizzy with grandiose dreams of championships and Ryan Leaf commemorative trophies.  As I walked up to that podium to shake Coach Cozine's hand and accept my jersey, I was solid gold, baby.  Nothing was gonna stop this freight train!

Fast forward a week to the opening game of the season.  We were playing the new kid on the block, Coach Leiting, and his formidable Bootleggers.  Electricity was in the air, excitement was coursing through my body, and that moment approached: opening kickoff!  Here I was, a member of this team, wanted by the players and the coaching staff (Coach Cozine has hired some Malaysian guy to help out; they're pretty close), and I was the one who got to touch the football first.  I had a fever, and the only prescription was more pigskin!

Riding the dump truck

I approached the ball, made contact, and...  WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?  I tore my fucking ACL?  Are you kidding me?  That shit is for the running backs and wide receivers.  The guys who are actually running and jumping and getting tackled.  I run maybe 100 yards total during a game, and yet in my first 10 I'm already God-damned Gimp McGee.  What a fucking failure.  I mean, failure of epic fucking proportions.  Coach put all his eggs in one fucking basket - didn't draft another kicker, put all his faith in me to carry the team - and BOOM, just like that I've let down the only person who has ever cared about me.  Ever.

To make things worse, the Rainbows went out and got David Akers as my replacement.  Are you serious?  I hate that phag.  What a Class A douchebag.  Holy shit, Akers is such a dick.  And, to put the fucking icing on the cake, the team up and changes its name on me.  It's like the name "Rainbows" was somehow tainted by my having been a part of it.

So anyway, here I am, jobless, penniless, friendless... worthless.  I sit around my house in sweatpants eating bricks of cheese and sticks of butter.  I don't even have the energy to get up and go the bathroom.  I'm wasting away in a puddle of urine and feces, contemplating the sweet escape that the Smith & Wesson under my pillow could bring me.  Fuck my life, bro.  Fuck it in the ass.  Hard.

Fuck. My. Life.

Week 1 Round-Up

article by: John Travolta

    
     Oh my God!!  I like, can't believe we're back already.  I am such a pig for fantasy football season and I can't help but shovel it into my face all day on Sunday.  I feel like it was just yesterday that I was poking fun at Tyson for sucking big green donkey dick.  Good news Tyson, this season there is another individual who shall remain named, Dan Cozine.  First let me do my own little re-cap of the off-season.

     Ol' Commish Kinzie wasted no time in announcing an expansion of the league.  Blake's corpse wasn't even cold from his Championship loss when Chuck announced that two new teams would be joining the league.  One of the coaches was a familiar face and Kenosha legend, Big Lou "The Tractor Trailer" Olsen.  The second head coach was another member of the Olsen family tree, Nick Leiting, brother-in-law to current chump champ Lou Olsen of the Seattle Tree Humpers.  Not only would the expansion provide more competition, it would help to avoid 3 game series' in the losers bracket (i.e. last years shit show in Madison).  Now the problem was, 50% of the league was located in the state of Wisconsin.  The two turds of Madison, the newly named Claymakers in Waukesha, and two teams in Kenosha...were it all started.  Clearly Kinzie was pleased with himself, so he made another questionable decision.
    
     After months of debate, Kinzie struck the "Keeper" system and decided to draft from scratch.  This was met with some moderate uproars, but mostly it was met with flying feces.  Winning teams from a year ago hated the idea, and the city of Madison rejoiced.  After the crap settled and was cleaned by my Puerto Rican cleaning lady, the draft was upon us.  Aaron Rodgers was the first pick overall, which signaled to everyone watching that day, this was going to be a very different draft.  Fantasy superstars like Arian Foster and Chris Johnson fell out of the top 5.  But then the true surprise was sprung.

     Coach Dan Cozine, of the Rochester Rainbows, decided that spending time on the beach was more important than drafting a team.  Instead he allowed a brain dead Malaysian illegal immigrant to pick his team.  As the draft went on, no one heard so much as a word from Cozine.  That was until the 12th round.  All of a sudden Dan drops in from the roof and lands at the podium to announce that he is picking Chargers kicker Nate Kaeding.  Then, as quickly as he came, he rolled off of us and went back to sleep.  Now what really ties this all together is that on the opening play of the Chargers season, Kaeding blew out a knee, thus ending his season.  So guess what, this season, Cozine is my bitch.  Congratulations Tyson, you can actually enjoy the blog this year. 

     Ok, enough of that let's talk football.  This year since we will have 5 games each week, we will re-cap 4 games and have a game of the week.  The game of the week will be a little more in depth, but just as awesome. 

Week 1 Re-Cap

Butt-Pirates    vs    Affirmative Blacktion
     175.8                          130.4

This game was never going to be close.  You would think that a bunch of Fanny-Bandits would be afraid to wander into a mostly black stadium to do battle, but not this week.  This game had my WildCard of the Week: RB Mike Tolbert  (36.3 pts) my Boner of the Week:  Steelers D/ST (-3) and Player of the Week: QB Tom Brady (43 pts).  The Blackies really needed Matt Ryan to play less like Ryan Leaf and more like...well pretty much anyone else.  The Ass-Buccos had three players score over 25 points this week and that made all of the difference.  The Big Black's never had a chance, here is what their coach had to say after the game:

It's week 1.  We need to find our identity, or at the very least steal someone else's.   

Tree Humpers    vs    Scrotum Smashers
      135.8                          128.3

Old habits die hard I guess.  Tyson re-named his team to something a little more terrifying, but the end result was the same.  The reigning champs were outplayed in the first half, but a strong output by the Jets D/ST helped give Olsen a cushion going into Monday Night's game.  Knowshon Moreno had opportunities to deliver a  victory for the Scrots, but he plays for the Broncos so they were losing the whole game which meant running was not an option.  While it is very clear that Tyson has a much stronger team than last season, he lacks the big game experience that the Humpers have after winning the Title last year.  This game was much closer than many of us anticipated, but in the end, pelvic thrusting beats skin smashing.  One final note on this game, Greg Jennings and Calvin Johnson are now playing for the Smashers.  Since both were members of last years Championship team, we asked coach Olsen what it was like to coach against them.

Damn it Travolta, what do you think it's like?  Ok, how about this.  Imagine if at the end of Grease, Danny gets Sandy pregnant and runs of with Rizzo.  Or how about this, at the end of Face-Off, Nic Cage took a shotgun and pointed it into his face and pulled the trigger, leaving you to look at his face the rest of your life.  So, it felt great.  Get a real job you closet camper.

Rainbows    vs    Bootleggers
   139.2                  165.9

What is up with the Pirate themes?  Anyway, this game is a lot closer than it should have been.  5 of the 10 players on Cozine's roster only scored in the single digits.  On the other end of the spectrum, new coach Nick Leiting had 5 of the 10 players on his roster score over 20 points this week.  Clearly Cozine should have shown up for the draft insted of letting that retarded Malaysian pick his squad.  His team should be re-named, and I have a great idea for one - The Malaysian Man-Handlers.  It keeps the gay theme alive, but also let's us know who is actually running the show over there in Rochester.  Let's not overlook the Rum-Runners, they are the real deal despite the scary QB situation they find themselves in.  We talked to Coach Cozine's right hand man after the game.

I...picka...dee...foobar...team...goo...Coach Da...say...he...le me...clee...heem...ina...dee...shower...later...I lather...hees...monkey

Clam Faces    vs    Banana Hammocks
     165.6                           118

The Madison teams wanted things to be different this year, but after week one things appear to be the same.  For coach Davy, a new name and new mascot equal the same old football team.  Meanwhile the Clam Cakes appear to have a real powerhouse  roster.  Most everyone on the Clam roster contributed, aside from Mr. Blount who was a finalist for Boner of the Week.  The Nut Clingers just could not find a rhythm.  When Adrian Peterson and Steven Jackson are combined to be outscored by Beanie Wells, you have got big problems.  Coach Sweens felt like rubbing it in after the game.

Wow Davy, your team is about as bad as I remember.  Although I really enjoyed the banners hanging all over your stadium with me in the Borat swimsuit.  That was a nice touch.  Anything to distract the fans from how pathetic your team is huh?  It was nice to see your kicker kick...nothing.  Good luck this season sir, but to be honest, a leprechaun wearing lucky horseshoes and a rabbits foot shoved up his ass won't make your team any better.

GAME OF THE WEEK

Claymakers    vs    Hershey Squirts
     140.5                       141.8

This was the game of the week without a doubt.  So many juicy story lines, from the Squirts losing Peyton Manning, to the Claymakers investing everything in Aaron Rodgers.  This was a match-up between a veteran team that knows how to win and an old guy who has no idea how to play fantasy football (Sorry Blake, true story).  The Claymakers had this game in the back going into Monday nights games.  It would take a miracle for the Squirts to comeback.  That miracle came in the form of Wes Welker.  In the 4th quarter of last nights game, Welker caught a 99 yard TD pass to lock in a 36 point night.  That performance pushed the Chocolate Shits out to about a 15 point lead with just Brandon Lloyd left to play for the Claymakers. 
    
Lloyd fell just short.  When you look at the individual numbers of this game it was no contest.  Every member of the Claymakers scored in double digits accept for their defense.  Meanwhile the squirts had 4 player snot even break double-digits.  It is almost a miracle that the game was this close, let a lone a W for Big Lou Olsen.  The biggest factor in this game, if you ask me, was the defense.  The Hershey Highway's D/ST scored 19 points to Clay-Clay's 6.  But this game was dominated by coach Derr and Co., yet they could not contain that tiny little white guy from the Patriots.  MVP of the Week:  WR Wes Welker 


     Well, we are off and running.  Hope everyone had a great first week (at least...everyone outside of Madison).  I look forward to seeing what you can do this upcoming weekend.  As is tradition, I leave you with a smoking hot chick to drool over.  This chick was going to marry Bootlegger starting QB Jay Cutler, fortunately she came to her senses and realized the dude is perma-drunk.  Enjoy...

2011 Season Preview

     Welcome back Hebrews and Shebrews, for another exciting season of WWS Revival fantasy football.  This season promises to be the most exciting, yet most classless season ever.  I liken this season to the MTV movie awards, exciting but lacking any actual integrity as an awards show.  Who will take home the coveted Ryan Leaf Commemorative Trophy this year?  It's anyone's guess. 

     Let's start the new season by welcoming the two newest teams and their coaches.  The man, the myth, the legend, my dad will be coaching the Kenosha Hershey Squirts.  As many of you know, the D.C Clam Faces play in Tractor Trailer Stadium, which is of course and homage to Big Lou Olsen.  WWSW was able to catch up with Coach Big L after a recent draft meeting:

I am looking forward to squashing all of you youngsters into the ground.  Especially that Sweeney kid.  I never gave him permission to name a stadium after me.  Tell you what, my teams stadium is going to be called "Brian Sweeney's Tiny Penis Field".  How do you like that?  Doesn't feel so good does it?  Maybe we can get a statue and place those giant telescopes right in front of your likeness' crotch.  Can't wait to play that nerd in my stadium.

     Harsh words from an old man.

     The other newest coach is Nick Leiting, my brother-in-law, his team is something stupid and racist.  Nick is a guy who studies the game of football, he studies it like a man who studies things.  Sometimes I think that he may be having an affair with an NCAA regulation sized football.  But, then I grab a beer and forget all about it.  Nick has been pissing and moaning about Wally picking the draft order all week:

What kind of an asshole let's a dog pick something as important as the draft order?  Commissioner Kinzie has once again shown why he is the # 1 asshole in the state of Pennsylvania.  I've never met Wally, but I am pretty sure he was paid off to pick the way he did.  If I ever see that dog in a dark alley, I am going to pet the shit out of him...literally.  I will pet that dog until he drops a deuce right there on Lou's shoe.  Knowing Lou, it would probably be red high-heels with some sort of gold buckle on it.  Homo. 

      
     I think I speak for everyone when I say, I hope you both have the worst fantasy football seasons ever.  But then again, there are still two teams from Madison who will fight you tooth and nail to preserve their horrific stench from last season.

     We have a few changes to report.  First, the pathetic Madison Firebirds, under the leadership of football dunce Davy Wagner, have changed their team name to...The Banana Hammocks.  The Chicago Dingleberries have been relocated, due to poor ticket sales, to Philadelphia were people are generally dick bags.  Last but not least, last years Silver Medalist Blake Derr, has decided to lose the CYO and go with something we can all embrace...the Waukesha Claymakers.  Mark all of these changes down, lest you feel like a jack-ass at the draft when you are the only one who says, "Who are the Banana Hammocks?"  You should have read the blog dip shit. 

     For those of you to lazy to watch a video, here is the draft order for Sunday:

1) Claymakers  2) Banana Hammocks  3) Chupacabras  4) Rainbows  5) Dingleberries  6) Tree Humpers  7) Hershey Squirts  8) Affirmative Blacktion  9) StreetGangsterz  10) Sweeney


     I am thrilled to be back as the lead editor of this blog.  John Travolta is back and fired up for this season.  Unfortunately Ryan Leaf will not be back this season, but his memory will live on each season when a new winner is crowned.  You may be wondering, who will do the interviews on the blog this season?  Well, all I can tell you right now is that the odds are poor that Tyson will agree to do an interview.  If he wouldn't do one with Ryan Leaf, he probably won't want to do one with..... (this is what we call a cliffhanger)

     Best of luck this season, you dirty dirty sluts...that goes double for you Cozine.