Week 1 Re-Cap

article by: David Schwimmer

Hi guys.  Well, I didn't get fired yet, so at least there is that. 

You know, I took some major heat for my draft grades, but after Week 1, I was not so far off after all.  On the flip side, Lou's dogs really screwed the pooch (pun totally intended).  The lock of the week, ended up being the blow out of the week.

At least the season is back up and running and we only had one major injury through week 1.  The Kenosha Bootleggers will be without Fred Jackson for the next month or so, as he heals from a torn...leg...thing.  I don't do anatomy, I'm an actor. 

Plus we finally saw the two names for the Lou's.  The Seattle franchise will be further known as the "Sandusky Disciples" and the Kenosha franchise will be known as the "Fighting Dildos".  While these names were perhaps not the best, no one really seemed to give two shits.  In the end the decisions were made by Coach Sweeney of the Clams and of course your Ginger Fuhrer, Chuck.  What I personally like about each of these names, is that each week....someone is getting sodomized, so everyone wins.  This week, we had double penetration....let's get to the games. 

Week 1 Re-Cap:


Game of the Week:  Affirmative Blacktion     vs     Philly Butt Pirates
                                          135.5                                           136.3

The Fanito Bandito's opened the season with a .8 point victory.  This game down to Phillip Rivers inability to put the ball in the end zone.  Thanks to his pathetic attempts at scoring, it opened the door for Rochester Spinning Cosmos Hall of Fame Kicker Nate Kaeding, to kick 5 field goals.  This also lead to Blacky wideout Robert Meachum having a minimal impact.  Both defenses had impressive first week performances, the Chocolat's threw up 17 points on D/ST and the Rectal Buccaneers had 16 points.  Ray Rice was the player of the game, although in a losing effort.  The Rice-a-Roni put up 24.3 points.  Neither teams wide receivers did much to be excited about.  Each team started 3 WR's, and they combined for an average of 9.2 points per receiver.  That is not going to cut it on a weekly basis.  The fact remains, the Blackies had a clear shot at the Gold Chest of Analgia, but needed just one more play.  This will go down as a team loss for the Sambos, and a huge team victory for the reigning Eastern Division champs.  Boner of the Week: Wes Welker (4.4 points)

Waukesha Claymakers     vs     Kenosha Fighting Dildos
             134.2                                            153.7

In the debut of the new team name, the Fighting Dildos went straight to work.  Thanks to Peyton Manning and Brandon Marshall, Olsen Sr. never needed to worry.  Those two combined, threw up over 50 points.  When you pair that with a team full of double digit performances (minus his kicker, who had 5 points), you get a very solid opening weekend win.  The Pottery Fists got plenty of points from their QB duo, Aaron Rodgers and Alex Smith.  The offense certainly came to play, but with a pathetic 1 point contribution from the D/ST the Bowl Punchers never had a chance.  This was a divisional game that had plenty of interesting story lines, primarily people were interested to see how the Dildos would bounce back after a disappointing expansion season in 2011.  Fans in Kenosha went home happy, especially the ladies.  It just happened to be "Dildo Sword" weekend.  Boner of the Week: Giants D/ST (1 point)


Lansing Clam Faces     vs     Madison Banana Hammocks
           150.5                                          124.8

In a surprise move, prior to the game, these two teams made a trade that did not take effect until after this weekends game was through.  Jay Cutler made his first, and only, start for the Clam Faces this weekend.  Something tells me Coach Sweens is going to regret trading Cutler away, since he put up 22.9 points.  In the deal, the Clams sent Jay Cutler and Willis McGahee to the Nut Nuzzlers for Ryan Matthews and Jeremy Maclin.  Not a bad trade, but if week 1 has taught me anything, this is still a QB's league.  Bry does have some depth at QB, with Andrew Luck and Ryan FitzPatrick, but Cutler will be missed.  He was a true Clam Face...anyone who has seen him already knows this to be true.  You may recall that Davy Jones is dead, so his team was drafted by his ghost and is now being coached by a can of Mr. Pibb.  That can just does not have enough coaching experience, he left over 70 points sitting on the bench, as his starters underperformed all across the board.  Drew Brees and Andre Johnson stole the show for the Chowder Pie-Holes, leading them to a solid 25 point victory.  That possessed Mr. Pibb can needs to get his shit together, otherwise the Teste Ticklers are in for a long season.  Boner of the Week: Michael Turner (3.2 points)


Rochester Spinning Cosmos     vs     K-Town Bootleggers
               170.3                                              143.7

While Fighting 'Do's fans across town were waiving their dildo swords with pride, the Raging Alcoholic fans fell flat and where sucked into the Cosmos spinning wheel of destruction.  Even Matt Ryan's stunning 38.5 point performance was not enough to save the drowning Booty Boozers.  The Spinning Cosmos got terrific performances from everyone....accept 2nd round pick Eric Decker, who put up a pedestrian 10.4 points.  But there was nothing pedestrian about what the rest of this team did.  Tony Romo, Darren McFadden, and Reggie Wayne all threw up over 20 points a piece.  The Stephen Hawkings have a new name and a new attitude.  Since Coach Cozine actually showed up to the draft, you can tell that he actually gives two shits about this team.  I was able to talk with him, via Twitter after the game:

Fuck off "Ross"!  How did you get this gig?  This is not even a funny bit. Let's play a game Schwim #hideandgofuckyourself

I guess you have to earn some respect in this league before you can get a good quote from league coaches.  And for the record, I have never played that game, but it sounds interesting.  Boner of the Week: Fred Jackson (1.5 points and injured)   Stud of the Week: Matt Ryan (38.5 points)


Sandusky Disciples     vs     Madison Scrotum Smashers
         179.9                                              115.2

In my draft re-cap, I said that I thought the Shower Sodomists had the best draft and that the reigning Ryan Leaf Trophy winners would regret letting a Russian circus monkey draft their team.  This game proves that I was pretty much right on the button. Let me also point out that both Walter and the newest Olsen dog, Murray, picked this one wrong.  So if you bet money on this game because it was the "Lock of the week", punch yourself in the balls...because you are a numb nuts.  The biggest story of this game was Robert Griffin III, who put up an impressive 29 points in his first career start.  When that was paired with Julio Jones absurd day, 28.8 points, the Pro-PSUers looked unstoppable.  The Nut Nashers got no help from their RB's, as Jamaal Charles and DeAngelo Williams combined for 10.1 points.  Nor by RGIII outscoring Cam Newton and Sam Bradford combined.  At least Tyson had the testicular fortitude to show up and take his home crowds boos like a man.  Especially when David Akers nailed that 63 yd field goal, giving him a 16 point fantasy day.  The Ball Bashers never had a prayer in this game.  This marks the 2nd consecutive season that the Ryan Leaf Champion lost their opening week game the following season, the other team to do it?  The Disciples, formerly known as the Tree Humpers.  Boner of the Week:  DeAngelo Williams (1.4 points)

Next week, I am hoping to get a press pass, so that I can actually attend some of the post game press conferences...but don't hold your breath. 

My game to watch this upcoming weekend, The Butt Pirates @ Clam Faces.  This is arguably the most bitter rivalry in our league.  It will be my first time covering this hated rivalry, so I can't wait to see what the Clam Faces will give away at the game this year to mock Coach Kinzie and his ginger crusaders. 

And, as is tradition, a football slut.

Wally Picks A Winner and int​roducing, Murray's Lock of the Week

Gentlemen, the time has come.  That's right, since I now have a reduced role in the land of Milwaukee Brewers baseball, I can devote more time to making you dickbags laugh.  And quite frankly, nothing was a bigger success in 2010 than the 'Wally Picks a Winner' segment.  So each week, my dog Walter, will be picking a treat with your teams name on it (or not, as the case may be).  Keep in mind, my dog knows nothing of football, or you as she-males.  He is basing his pick off of nothing more than which treat he deems to be superior of the two treats. 

Now for those who did not know, since last season I have added a 2nd dog to my household and he wants in.  So please give a lukewarm welcome to Captian Murray Furry Boots FitzSimmons Olsen.  Until I can come up with something for him to do on his own, he will be piggy-backing off of Walter.  So, of the 5 picks Walter makes, Murray will pick just 1 of those to be his "Lock of the Week". 

For the months of October, November, and December I will video tape the picks, so as to avoid accusations of dickery (and yes, that is directed at you Sweeney).  But since my wife and I are moving at the end of September, you are just going to have to deal for a few weeks because I do not have the time.

So, enough of me.  Here is who Walter likes this week

Penn State Shower Rape Name @ Scrotum Smashers 

Wally Picks: The Scrots

Affirmative Blackies @ Butt Pirates
Wally Picks: The Black Guys

Claymakers @ Big Lou 
Wally Picks: Big Lou

Spinning Cosmos @ Bootleggers 
Wally Picks: The Booze Boots

Clam Faces @ Banana Hammocks 

Wally Picks: The Banana

**Murray's Lock of the Week:  The Scrotal Tissue**

Well, it sucks to be me and rules to be Tyson.  On the bright side, I can be the first true upset of the season.  Either way, my dogs have spoken.  Read it and weep boners. 

Schwimmer's Draft Re-Cap

First off, Congratulations to all of you for finishing the entire draft in 1 hour!  That is unheard of.  You should all give yourselves a pat on the back...unless your name is Nic Tyson or Davy Wagner (may he rest in peace). 

By far the biggest story of the draft was the lack of Madison, WI influences.  After one successful season, it seems as if both coaches have forgotten about the dark days.  Many of you will remember the 2010 Fantasy season, when Madison was the rectal thermometer of the league.  Teams went in there...and came out much stinkier than before.  The city had basically abandoned both stadiums.  It got so bad that both teams had to come up with extreme giveaways to get fans back in the seats.  Things like, "Free Enema Night", "Unlimited Taco Sunday", and my personal favorite "The Complete 3rd Season of Friends Night".  None of this worked.  Then last season the two teams showed growth and sure enough the fans came back.  Clearly nothing was learned from this experience, since neither coach showed up to choose their team.

Now, after doing some research I discovered that reigning Championship coach Nic Tyson was involved in a lawsuit.  While I was unable to find out what the trial was for, I was able to find out that he was testifying under the pseudonym "Jon Doe #4".  If that means anything to anyone, please let me know.  And according to Sally Jones, Davy's nosey bitch of an ex-wife, he has been dead since February.  Well, it showed in his drafting. 

So, since this is my first time doing this, I am going to stay away from broad generalizations.  Instead, I will be focusing on each teams individual shortcomings.  Sure some of you made some great moves, but from what I understand, this league does not promote positivity.  Therefore, here is where each of you fucked the poodle. 

Philadelphia Butt Pirates:  The Fanny Bandits put themselves in a position to walk into the championship game.  By making two pre-draft trades, Chuck Kinzie and Co. were able to obtain the 2nd and 4th overall pick.  And those were not wasted, as he selected Fantasy Sex Machines Wes Welker and Matt Forte.  The problem arose when Kinzie only had 1 draft pick between numbers 4 and 32.  Once the dust settled on the first 6 rounds, the Rectal Ramparts only had 1 running back.  With the 49th overall pick, the Jolly Rogers took Roy Helu.  The pairing of Forte and Helu shows a huge drop off in talent and production.  While his QB and WR situation appears to be as solid as ever, his RB's should be a huge source of concern.  He did slighlty improve his situation by taking late fliers on Peyton Hillis and Mike Tolbert, both of whom are backing up injury proned starters.  Overall Draft Grade: B+

Rochester Spinning Cosmos: With Mike Vick and Darren McFadden returning to the team, Cozine already had some injury concerns.  While he addressed those concerns by adding depth at QB and RB, he made one glaring misstep.  With his 2nd overall pick, Coach Cozine made the most puzzling choice of the draft by taking Eric Decker.  While, this pick as a whole does not seem strange, it is when you consider the other WR's available: Victor Cruz, Brandon Marshall, and Julio Jones.  Many of the coaches in the league acknowledged that this was a "comfort pick".  Once coach even said, "Cozine picked Decker because he was a Minnesota Golden Gopher.  That is the only reason."  While this was a shocking choice, and overall talent reach, Cozine finished the draft with a strong team.  But if the injury bug bites this team, it will bite hard and without mercy, spinning the Cosmos into a FFB black hole.  Overall Draft Grade: B-

Madison Banana Hammocks:  Well, they didn't show up and now their starting QB's are Carson Palmer and Tim Tebow.  The ghost of Davy Wagner will also have to hope that his stable of oft-injured, hold out loving RB's can stay on the field long enough to produce points.  His ghost also drafted 2 D/ST's, which is unheard of in Fantasy Football.  My advice, see a voodoo witch doctor and get yourself a new body.  Your team is in a world of trouble.  I would start looking for a QB trade yesterday.  Overall Draft Grade: F+

Waukesha Claymakers:  There is an awful lot to like about the Claymakers draft and what Coach Derr did.  On the flip side, he voiced some concerns to me during the draft about the health and age of his RB stable.  Steven Jackson, Marshawn Lynch, and Cedric Benson (while all still viable NFL starters) are all on the down slope of their careers.  Both age and number of touches over the past 5 seasons are beginning to add up for these once powerful fantasy institutions.  But, with Aaron Rodgers as your QB, you can bet that alot of the RB's shortcomings will be made up for through the air.  I still have concerns about Alex Smith and Christian Ponder alternating at the #2 QB spot.  Strength of this team will be at WR.  About as explosive of a group as you will find in this league.  Overall Draft Grade: B

Lou's Losing Losers: This may not be the final team name, but for now it is the default.  Coach Lou Sr. had a very specific plan for this draft, "Pick a team that will be able to compete".  After last seasons injury plagued, weekly sodomies, the elder Olsen was ready to make a statement.  And he did by taking Eli Manning with the #1 overall pick, pairing the Manning brothers together.  Then he added more talent by drafting Victor Cruz and Brandon Marshall for them to throw to.  His one mishap was at running back, by drafting Reggie BUsh as his #2 guy.  Most of you will recognize Reggie Bush for being one of the 72,340 black athlete's to have sex with Kim Kardashian.  While Bush showed that he CAN be a solid NFL back, it is hard to imagine him repeating last seasons performance.  But there is no doubt that this team will not be dwelling in the cellar in 2012.  Overall Draft Grade: B+

Affirmative Blacktion: Coach Craig used his 1st round pick to take the always classy Philip Rivers, to pair with returning veterans Ray Rice and Larry Fitzgerald.  Then Craig went ahead and picked up Ben "The Rapist" Roethlisberger, which was a solid pick for #2 QB, but a porr pick for his PR department.  I feel like a broken record, but the concern for the Blackies is at the RB position.  While Stevan Ridley could be a superstar, he is an uproven commodity. The same could be said for his 3rd RB, Ryan Williams.   Another solid WR core and one of the most stable QB group in the league.  What this team may lack in explosivity, it makes up for in consistency.  This is a solid team, sprinkled with potential, and that is a dangerous combination.  Fuck Alaska.  Overall Draft Grade: B

Lansing Clam Faces: Things were looking pretty good for Ol' Coach Sweens, until those 4th-6th round picks happened.  Frank Gore is a RB who was once a #1 star, but now is a featured back in a 3 back stable, which bodes poorly for the Clam Cakes.  Then he further compounded his RB concerns by drafting Michael Turner.  Another back who is sliding on his belly down the hill.  Just when you thought it couldn't get worse for Lansing football fans, he drafts Willis McGahee.  Sweens drafted 3 washed up RB's in back-to-back-to-back rounds.  My favorite pick of Sweens, was taking a late round gamble on Rookie QB Andrew Luck.  A great value pick, who could easily unseat Jay Cutler as the Clam's 2nd QB along with Drew Brees.  While the team seems strong on paper, there are a lot of question marks.  Fuck Michigan.  Overall Draft Grade: C

K-Town Bootleggers:  Last season Coach Leiting was the man with the Midas touch.  Every player he drafted, turned in career fantasy years.  Well, until the playoffs that is.  Because of that fact, it is hard to gauge how this draft went for the Booze Hounds.  LeSean McCoy, Fred Jackson, and Trent Richardson could be the best RB trio in the league.  Calvin Johnson and Marques Colston are a formidable one-two punch at WR.  My concern for this team, is the same thing that doomed them last season, the QB position.  Matt Ryan is a solid player, who will produce.  But the Josh Freeman/Mark Sanchez combo at #2 could be the piss in Coach Leiting's lemonade.  On the plus side, at least he doesn't have Tim Tebow.  One pick that deserves some notice, WR Justin Blackmon.  This kid could be the net big fantasy threat.  You have all been notified.  Overall Draft Grade: B

The Sandusky Acquittal Committee:  Coach Olsen Jr. made the boldest trade in the history of this league prior to the draft.  By trading Jimmy Graham and his 1st overall pick, he was able to acquire Matt Stafford.  When you consider the lack of a 1st round pick, this was arguably one of the strongest drafts of the day.  Having said that, this is also a team that could fall flat on it's face.  This roster is full of potential, with not enough proven talent.  RG3 will be taking over as the #2 QB for the NAMBLA's, which could pay huge dividends...or it could be a JaMarcus Russell type disaster.  The same could be said for RB's Doug Martin and Donald Brown, or WR's Kendall Wright and Brandon LaFell.  So, this will end one of two ways, another Ryan Leaf Trophy, or one more season of being sponsored by a man made famous by butt plugging children.  Fuck Seattle.  Overall Draft Grade: A-

Madison Scrotum Smashers: The regning champs somehow came out with a pretty amazing roster, despite the fact that Coach Tyson did not make one pick of his own.  His RB stable has a tremendous injury history.  In fact if we combined the number of games played, versus number of games missed via injury, it could be a wash.  Sam Bradford is not an ideal #2 QB, but what can you expect when you let a Russian circus monkey make all of your picks.  I will say one thing about the Rusky monkey, he knows WR's.  Steve Smith, Roddy White, and Greg Jennings.  Wow.  That is by far the best WR group in the league.  Without a 3rd QB, Tyson may need to make a move in order to make a late season puch similar to last season, but with that WR core it shouldn't be too difficult.  Overall Draft Grade: D+ (mostly for not showing up)

Steal of the Draft: Victor Cruz at #20

Reach of the Draft: Eric Decker at #18

And now, a slut...

The Season Is Here, and the Ginger is Dealing!!

article by: David Schwimmer



There was a time where I thought I was dead too.

 That's right....it's me.  David Schwimmer.  Initially, I was terrified that Lou and Brian asked me to join the writing staff.  The last two "interns" had some pretty tough breaks after their time working for this well respected news outlet.  Ryan Leaf is in prison and John Travolta is facing charges of asking massage therapists to tickle his pickle.  Some say that this job is cursed.  But since Friends went off the air, and was replaced in syndication by cartoons, I have not had a lot to do.  No publicity is bad publicity.  Although, in the natural progression of things....I will probably break into morgues and have sex with dead bodies, but hey.  You gotta do what you gotta do, and I have one hell of a heroin problem. 

Turns out, I know nothing about football.  Just thought you should know that up front.  No secrets amongst friends.  We are friends, right?  I can't live without friends.

And now, for some news!!! 

The league commissioner has swung two trades in the past 24 hours.  All centralized around draft picks in the first round.  The first trade was incredibly complicated to understand, so I asked a woman to help me understand it:

Charlie gave Lou Matt Stafford.  Lou gave Charlie Jimmy Graham.  Lou gave Charlie his first round pick.  They swapped second round picks.  Charlie gave Lou his third round pick           - Quote from actual woman

That gave Chinger, two first round picks and the top TE in fantasy football.  In turn, Lou got Matt Stafford and moved down in the draft (inside sources say that he was scared of his 2nd overall pick, what a pussy...and that is coming from the guy who played Ross on Friends!!). 

While some may scoff and say, Lou is an idiot.  You are probably right.  But, his team is doomed anyway.  My sources tell me that his franchise is still without a name, but that they are leaning towards honoring team hero Jerry Sandusky.  You may remember that Sandusky was the defensive coordinator for the Tree Humpers during their last place finish in 2011.  Jerry is currently locked away in prison for "Priesting it up" in the showers.  Any team that is named after such a horrid, putrid, vile, and unattractive man...is doomed, so why not subscribe to the Al Davis/Oakland Raiders school of draft pick trading.  This is already my least favorite team.  Unless someones team name is a Michael J. Fox joke, or a Republican, Lou Olsen and company are public enemy number 1 in 2012.  You are on notice you pussy!!!

Now, no sooner had Chucky Boo Boo acquired his 2 first round picks, he turns around and deals Larry Fitzgerald to Affirmative Blacktion.  In turn, they swap first round picks.  This deal gives Craig a top tier wide receiver, and Ginger Rogers Kinzie the 2nd and 4th picks in the first round. 

Now while the Soulless Wonder may have two very high draft picks initially.  He will only have 1 draft pick over the next 2 rounds.  Clearly his strategy was to not let the talent of his team from 2011 go free without any compensation.  Let's hope that he is able to get what he is looking for with those picks. 

This is going to be a season of firsts.  This is our first season with keepers, and our first seasons with the ability to trade draft picks.  In this football novices opinion, there seems to be some fear at the top of this draft.  Two separate managers moved down in the draft.  It could be health concerns, maybe a lack of clear cut talent, but most likely it's a fear of sexually transmitted diseases.  NFL players have sex with all kinds of stuff and managers are not excluded.  Most of the clean players will be kept by their teams, because they are so hard to find in this day and age.  Although Tim Tebow will undoubtedly go....undrafted.  So, you heard it here first: Lou and Craig - Anti-STD, Charlie - Pro-STD.

All of this trading must mean the season has officially started, so congratulations!  You are all wieners just for being here.  I look forward to writing for you and learning about the wonderful sport of Sexual Fantasy Football.  Although, so far it is not nearly as erotic as I would like.  But beggars can't be choosers.

Guess that's it.  Be sure and watch Friends, Monday nights at 1am on TBS.  Also don't miss Kissing A Fool, which is currently in the $5 or less movie bin at your local grocery store.

What?  Usually there are pictures of hot chicks?  Why?  Ok, let's blow someones mind.  Gentlemen, may I present to you...a sexy ginger.

Tea and a Couch...Tim Couch, That Is

This season happened so quickly, it was hard to interview everyone.  Thank the sweet baby Tebow that I had time for this interview with Brian Sweeney.  Very rarely do I gush about meeting coaches, but Sweeney has represented all that is soulless and wrong in our sport for the past half-decade.  Getting to sit down with him was an honor, privelage, and reason to get a tetanus shot. 

Brian Patricia Sweeney is the son of a man whose quack was always bigger than his bite.  Sweeney vowed never to be a quacker like his old man.  We have no evidence to support that quacking is a hereditary trait, but this season sure came to quacking hault.  They say that the next morning, ducks all over the world cried out, "Come on Bry...don't do this to me Bry".  This adversity has turned Sweeney into one of the most polarizing figures in fantasy football today. 

BPSweens invited me to his fellatiol (that is spelled the way I meant it to be) mansion.  Which, as it turns out,  is more like a nuclear bunker stocked to the ceiling with whiskey and cigars than it is an actual mansion.  Sweeney had clearly been locked in this dank moldy heaven since his loss to, arch-rival and resident Ginger, Charles Kinzie.  The man looked like a Native American Fidel Castro, with a 15 year old girls acne. 

As I sat on a childs bicycle with the training wheels on it, we began to chew the fat of life.  Most of it off the record of course, but some of it was actually publishable.  Much of what you are about to read came from hours and hours of this recorded interview.  Everything from gay albino pigs, to a rough script for the next Sherlock Holmes movie.  The working title is:  Sherlock Holmes: The Missing Fruit Chews.  I laughed, I cried, I pooped, I ate, we drank...and smoked, passed out, puked on each other, showered in whiskey, then everything got dark....fuck it.  It was like a 3 day bender.  That cellar is like a fucking casino, 15 minutes in cellar time is 6 hours in real life. 

If you don't enjoy this, you are probably racist...against tan people. 


TC:  Your Eastern Conference Championship game, against Chuck, came down to the final 5 minutes of the Giants and Cowboys game of that week.  You had roughly a 16 point lead as the 4th quarter clock struck 5:00.  Only 5 minutes...and you were going to be playing for the title.  How deflating where those 5 minutes for you?

BS:  You know, I was not even watching.  Truth be told, I was enjoying Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.  Since I was pretty sure I would be losing to Chuckles, I figured my time would be better spent watching Macaulay Culkin's finest work.  What really pissed me off was that Charles had a very mediocre day.  I outcoached myself in the end.  Made too many poor decisions.  Letting Malcolm Floyd play instead of Laurent Robinsons was a huge mistake...and Maurice Morris?!?!  What the hell was I thinking on that one?  My bench scored almost 100 points that day.  Therefore, rather than bitching and complaining about it, I am going to formally begin a public slander campaign against the Butt-Pirates and all that they stand for.

TC:  Follow-up question:  Charles Roger Kinzie is no doubt your biggest rival.  Dating all the way back to last season when you had some legendary battles on the invisible gridiron.  How devastating is it to have been swept by that Ginger this season?

BS:  Pretty rough.  I had not even thought about it until you brought it up...dick.  It is extra bad because he is also the Commissioner.  I liken him to the great and powerful Oz, the only problem is that I have never been able to pull back the curtain revealing nothing more than a man.  He had some lucky breaks this year and was certainly more in-tune to football happenings than anyone else.  None of this matters, for you see, I will be killing his first born child regardless.  So, I've got that going for me.

TC:  There have been a lot of negative story lines surrounding the league this year.  Which particular incident would you say gave the league, as a whole, the biggest black eye?

BS:  Blake-gate.  No question.  That was pretty bad.  I think Charlie was a little too strong handed initially, but that does not explain why Blake couldn't pay his fucking dues like the rest of us.  Then he acted like the entire league was conspiring against him.  Every single member of the league mailed a check to Charlie, including Dan's wife.  So, if my math is correct, that makes Blake worse than Dan's wife.  Anyway, it's over now and hopefully we can all pay on time next year. 

TC:  Speaking of Dan, he made 4 name changes this season (Rainbows, Malaysian Manhandlers, Jizz Bolts, Not Means).  Which one did you like the best?

BS:  Well, I liked the Manhandlers because of how insanely racist it was.  But the Jizz Bolts will always be number one in my heart.  The other two names were just awful.  The Rainbows was just un-original and super gay.  Although, not quite as gay as the Not Means.  That name is just stupid.  There is a strong possibility that Dan has secretly lost his mind. 

TC:  Let's go back to Blake for a second.  In your opinion, is Blake Derr a good coach?

BS:  Yes, he is a good waiver guy

TC:  Is he a good person?

BS:  No

TC:  Good lover?

BS:  You would have to ask Mrs. Kinzie

TC:  Good with farm animals?

BS:  I have never seen him with farm animals before, but I know that he has never been in prison.  Which means he does not have an impulse to fuck them...let's just say yes.

TC:  Nic Tyson took his team from worst to first this year.  As a veteran coach in this league, have you ever seen anything quite like this?

BS:  Truth be told, I do not remember why his team was so bad last year.  I always thought Tyson would do well.  He has a keen football mind. 

TC:  Do you think that the Tree Humpers and Hershey Squirts could bounce back in a similar fashion next
season?

BS:  Both Olsen's had really bad injury breaks.  Lou Sr.'s started immediately, while the Younger Lou's team lost the injury battle down the stretch of the regular season.  I think they could both bounce back next year.  In fact, I think they are destined to be better in 2012.

TC:  Nick Leiting came into the league this year and blew everyone out of the water.  Then injuries slowly destroyed his title aspirations.  Do you believe karma was involved, or do the fantasy gods just hate Tim Tebow?  (Please note, Leiting's team was in perfect health until Tebow was added to the roster)

BS:  It was a very interesting series of coincidences, but I do not see how Tebow is at fault in the teams sudden downfall.  In my opinion it is fitting that he missed out on the championship.  I mean, this guy was horseshoe in his urethra lucky.  Every guy he picked up turned into a 30 point a week monster.  I will not be sheding a tear for him though, his future is so bright.  In fantasy football, luck will only take you so far.  That was the downfall of the Bootleggers.

TC:  As a writer for this fine site, who is your favorite lightning rod?  And who is your least favorite person to pick on?

BS:  I always find myself gearing towards Lou Sr., but then I feel bad.  Tyson is a guy I always like to try and get all fired up.  My personal favorite is Davy because he personifies the "lovable loser".  As for the person I least like to pick on...this year it was probably Lou Sr. again.  His team was just tragic, so I did not want to be the guy shoving salty lemon semen into his open wounds. 

TC:  If you could let one other coach in this league run the Clam Faces for a week, who would it be?

BS:  As much as it pains my groin to say this, Charlie.  He pays the most attention to the league and waiver wire transactions.  That does not change the fact that he is a rat-faced bastard and a cock-sucking coward.  On the flip side, those things make him a good coach.




This is an actual Clam Face...horrifying!!


TC:  Which coach would you not let run your team?

BS:  This is an easy one, Craig.  He has fucked up repeatedly, non-stop, all season long.  The guy is way to busy diving for Eskimo poon and watching old clips of Mike Ditka to care about his own team.

TC:  How many gas stations would you say there are in America?

BS:  I don't know...too many?

TC:  If someone wrote a biography about your life, what would it be called?

BS:  Follow Your Dick!

TC:  Tupac?

BS:  No, Tupac lives in Vegas...I've seen him.

 

TC:  If you could speak to one type of animal, what would it be?

BS:  Probably dogs.  I feel like they would have pretty useful information.  You could have them do favors for you and you could pay them in meat.  There is a lot of upside to talking with dogs. TC:  Which sounds like a worse sex act: The Cosby Sweater or the Alabama Hot Pocket?
BS:  Cosby Sweater.  I envision it being pubes covering a turd, which is somehow included in the sexual experience.

 

TC:  What do wood and alcohol have in common?

BS:  Can both knock you the fuck out

TC:  How are M&M's made?

 

BS:  They are crapped out by North Pole dwelling rabbits.  It's poo with a candy shell.

TC:  If you could trade places with any active NFL player, who would it be?

BS:  I'm gonna choose Aaron Rodgers.  Pretty unoriginal, but he seems to always be having fun.  I am pretty sure he is the baddest mother fucker on the planet. 

 

TC:  Which do you hate the most: Nazis, Communists, Al-Qaeda, or American Southerners?

BS:  Nazi's.  I just wathced WWII in HD...fuck those guys.

 

 

 

TC:  Is Elvis really dead?

BS:  Yes, he died on the crapper 

West Division Obituaries: Part Deux

Afirmative Blacktion, we hardly knew ye. After a questionable draft featuring a defense picked in the seventh round (Pittsburgh), the early-season dropping of monster tight end Rob Gronkowski and several roster-setting miscues, fate has finally caught up with Coach Moylan.

That's right, folks: Fantasy football season is over for the 5-8 Blacktions. Always unpredictable, Coach Moylan's team defeated the season-long championship-favorite Bootleggers of Kenowhere, then spiraled into a six-game losing streak. After snapping that streak with a win against the beleaguered Tree Humpers, he again showed his big black balls to Coach Leiting and his juggernaut of a team.

We never knew what to expect from Coach Moylan. Example: In week five, he started Ray Rice and Fred Davis, both of whom were on bye weeks. Perhaps he had so much confidence in Rice that he suspected the super-stud Raven would put up 10 or so points through sheer will alone. Maybe he was in Eastern Europe fingerbanging babushkas. We can only speculate, and that is the nature of Moylan -- mysterious, unpredictable and decidedly erratic/erotic.

Much like poor Johnny Knox (twelfth round draft pick) and his broken back, Coach Moylan's Affirmative Blacktion must wait until next year to return to the field. We may question his draft choices, his lineups and waiver moves, but in the end, he beat the number one seed not once, but twice. Perhaps there is some wisdom in this wild maverick renegade after all.

We will be interested to see how his season develops next year, when he is resurrected from the cold Alaskan earth he will be interred in later this month. Godspeed, Moylan. see you next year old friend.

R.I.P. Craig Moylan

The K-Town Bootleggers came into the West Wilson Street Fantasy Football Brotherhood with their guns blazing. After a 10-3 season, striking fear into the hearts of most, injuries befell the team, sending it to a third place final standing that hardly lived up to expectations for the good Coach.

Not bad for a rookie.

That's not what Coach Leiting would say, however. With crippling injuries coming late in the season to Matt Forte, Fred Jackson and Jay Cutler, he might say something with a little more colorful language attached. This would of course be exacerbated by any mention of the early-season injury to his second-round pick, Texan wide receiver Andre Johnson. Before his injury, the star WR averaged about 18 points per game. Ouch.

Leiting made the best of it, however, picking himself up to become the regular season Goliath this year. We can only imagine what could have been, should his team remained healthy. The waiver prowess and instinct of this newcomer have put him on the radar for all the other coaches in the league. Next year will be an interesting one, and all the 2011 point leader will need to take 2012 is a little better luck on the injury front. Like it or not, Coach Nick, you're the league antagonist now. Forgive us if we revel in your defeat -- it's nothing personal.

You'd better put on your black cowboy hat. Because this is an obituary, you see, and you're dead. Give Kim Jong-il my regards and we'll see you next year.

R.I.P. Nick Leiting

Lou's Championship Preview

This picture will make more sense later...or not.

Sorry I have been absent for a little while.  As many of you know, the Brewers have been doing...things.  Some good, some bad, but either way I have spent the last week defending a Jewish baseball player who tested positive for having too much testosterone.  Thank the almighty Tebow we do not persecute testosterone in this league.  I digress...

The season is just about over.  We have had some good games, but we have also had some total ass plungings.  None of that matters now.  Not Dan's insistence on all of us being nice to him, not Blake getting punched in the face by a member of the "Nice" Cozine family, not even Davy catching each and every one of us in a banana hammock.  The only thing that matters now is the match-up between a man with fiery ginger pubes and Tyson...who may have no pubes (I will have to have our research team look into that, but generally a man known for scrotum smashing would probably want his nut pouch smoother than Tiger Woods in a strip club).  If you had your money on this championship pairing, you are a liar, none of us saw this coming. 


The Philadelphia Butt-Pirates

*The Butt-Pirates defeated the Washington D.C. Clam Faces by 1.8 points in the Eastern Division Championship.  Coach Sweeney was royally pissed off. 

A new city, a new name, and an entire team tripping balls on whiskey sours and Aderol.  The Booty Buccaneers had three different streaks this season; a 3-game winning streak to start the season, followed by a 4-game losing streak, and have now rattled off 7 straight wins.  To call this team streaky, would be doing an injustice to streakers all over the world.  The last time Chuckles McGingy lost a game?  Week 7 against...the Madison Scrotum Smashers. 

The face of  a soulless champion

The Jolly Rectum Rogers key to the game is the play of Tom Brady and Matthew Stafford.  Both of his QB's are projected to score north of 25 points this weekend.  Sadly for Charlie's nutsack, the rest of his team is not expected to be even close to that 25 point mark.  As early as draft day, Chuck knew that his team would live and die by the play of his QB's.  This weekends Championship will be no different.  If Brady and Stafford falter, the reign of Ginger supremacy will come crashing down. 

If Chuckles wants any hope of receiving the Ryan Leaf Commemorative Trophy in the mail next week, he needs to hope that Cam Newton does not go on a random crazy streak.  The truth is, you can not stop Cam Newton, you can only hope to seduce him with candy and funny stories.  Kevin Smith is another wild card that could come back to bite Chulo in the freckled butt cheeks.  If Smith does return to action this week, he could be a huge piece of Ginger Snap Champ Pie. 

ESPN Projected Points:  165
Lou's Projected Points:  147


Madison Scrotum Smashers

* The Scrotum Smashers defeated the heavily favored K-Town Bootleggers by 36.5 points.  Coach Leiting could not believe how smooth Nic's nut sack was...or why he spelled his name without a K. 

What is the gayest possible analogy I can use for this team?  Hmm?  Nic Tyson's Nut Sack Gnashers are the sexiest Tranny to ever lose a glass slipper (Cinderella...get it?).  Last season Coach Tyson was the laughing stock of the league (outside of his own home).  Look at him now.  Living in an underwater hideaway off of a banana plantation.  His teams success this year has enabled him to afford laser hair removal for his scrotum.  When asked why, "in the event mine is smashed, I want it to look like Patrick Stewart".  You don't mess with success.

Doritos fully endorses Nic Tyson's title run

Although Tyson only compiled a 7-6 record in the regular season, his team was built for postseason play.  The Sack Slashers roster is comprised of players who have something to play for this week.  One glaring flaw in his quest for the Ryan Leaf Action Figure, he has two guys matching up against the Ravens D and two others going up against the 49ers D.  This could be a recipe for shorned sack stew.  On the other hand, he has beaten all of the odds by even making it this far, so maybe his sack will laugh last.  

If Tyson wants any chance of winning this game he needs to pray to Tim Tebow, that Tom Brady and Matt Stafford go out and lay eggs.  Greg Jennings will not be playing this weekend, which leaves Tyson with only one option...a Black Frenchman, Pierre Garcon.  The last thing you want on the field of battle, especially when it is a fight to the death, is a french person.  Sadly, Nic has no other option.  Much like any French War, this game could be over before it even begins.  But, we must keep in mind that the Silky Scrots took down arguably the best team in the league all season long.  Nothing is out of the realm of possibility.


ESPN Projected Points:  132
Lou's Projected Points:  141

In the end, I think that the Commissioner will finally wear the crown.  A big, gay, Ryan Leaf encrusted crown.  It has been a long time coming and this seems to be his moment.  Normally I would not encourage a ginger to succeed, but my pick for this game is the Philadelphia Butt-Pirates. 

I applaud Nic for his amazing season, but in the end I think Charlie's big balls (Brady and Stafford) will be too much Scrotum to smash.  No matter how it shakes down, both men will make a little money and have bragging rights over all of our sorry asses going into next season. 

This week, Sweeney and I will have more obituaries for the rest of you sad sacks who blew your chance to be playing in a meaningful game this weekend.  Plus there is going to be an interview with Sweeney to close out the season interview series with Tim Couch, who will be fired because he is too f-ing nice. 

As always, it has been a pleasure doing battle with all of you.  My apologies for the blog not living up to my expectations.  I had hoped to blow all of your minds, but the Brewers Blog started paying me...so I hope you guys understand.  Just know that I still like you more.   
 

Western Division Obituaries

Louis Olsen IV, 28, of Seattle died November 28, 2011. He was born in Kenosha, the only son of Louis III. He was educated on the frozen tundra of Minnesota, attending Winona University.

In 2010 he was married to Wally, a small dog if indeterminate breed, who he hoped to bring to Las Vegas to earn a living on the gambling circuit. He got sidetracked en route, joining the West Wilson Street Revival Fantasy Football League, where he ultimately tested fate one too many times. Like his idol, Brent Farve before him, Coach Olsen IV led his team to a championship, then got addicted to Vicodin and sexted Jenn Sterger a picture of his wrinkled, has-been donger. While Coach Olsen’s season will soon be but a memory, that image will forever live on in her Motorola Razr, and on the internets.

Having lost three games by less than three points, one wonders what could have been this season for Lou's beloved Tree Humpers. But considering that he started Joe Flacco and John Skelton in a late-season game, the universe seems to have once again balanced itself.

He administered the West Wilson Street Weekly web log, and maintains relations with luminaries such as John Travolta, Tim Couch and his esteemed colleagues and compatriots of the WWS Revival League.He assembled a true team of rivals.

Funeral services are private and will be held on the island in the form of a Viking funeral. Memorial gifts in Coach Olsen’s memory can be made to PFLAG, 1828 L Street NW, Suite 660, Washington, D.C., 20036.

His charred remains, save for his perfect blond locks, which he has willed to John Travolta, will be on display at the Smithsonian’s Museum of American History in Washington, D.C.

His will simply says “Curb Alert,” so his possessions will be placed curbside on Sunday, December 4, advertised with a craigslist.org free ad.

He will be missed.

R.I.P. Louis Olsen, IV

Daniel Winston Cozine, 27, of Rochester, Minn., died November 20, 2011. He was born in Kenosha, the son of Cara and Mike Cozine. He was “educated” at the University of Minnesota.

Dan died clutching his computer mouse, checking the results of a matchup against beloved frenemy Nicolas Tyson. This was the culmination of a long battle with mediocrity that was difficult for everyone involved. The first sign Dan was in decline came at the absolute first moment possible.

Those closest to him knew when he prioritized a trip to an all-male nude beach over participation in the West Wilson Street Fantasy Football draft, that Coach Cozine’s mental foundation was beginning to crack. His colleagues began planning this obituary after he appeared in the 12^th round of the draft to choose kicker Nate Kaeding, who would later injure himself warming up for his first kick of the year.

Clearly, Dan’s mental and physical capacities diminished significantly, very early on. It got so bad that with Cozine unable to peel the back off a self-adhesive stamp, his lovely wife, Lizzie, was forced to mail in his dues in his stead.

After that ship of paralyzing hopelessness sailed, Coach Dan continued his erratic decline, changing his team’s name a number of times. Providing a flicker of hope, he once harkened back to the glory of the 2010 Rochester Jizz Bolts. But he relapsed, and his legacy will forever be known under the uninspiring moniker “Not Means.” Whatever disease so drastically and unnaturally affected his decision-making at the last, doctors have been unable to determine.

What is known is that Dan never really had a fair shake, having had a robot pick his team this year, at least in part. He is survived by his diarrhea-eating vizsla, Cosmo. 

R.I.P. Dan Cozine

Eastern Division Obituaries

Sweetest Casket ever?

Sweeney and I decided that we would do something different this week, so we will not be doing a weekly re-cap.  John Travolta was so angry, Sweeney had to agree to go on a 3 week love cruise in the Bahamas with said actor/staff writer.  We all know Brian...he was more than happy to go. 

As is with all seasons, several teams were "officially" eliminated from the quest for the Ryan Leaf Trophy.  Brian and I thought it only fair, that we give each team a proper send-off.  We agreed to write the obituaries for the opposite division of our own.  Therefore, today you will be saying goodbye to your friends from the Eastern Division.

As is the case with all death's, we must celebrate the life...in death.  That sounds really stupid when I write it out, but people say that crap all of the time.  Anyway, let's say bon voyage to our comrades. 


Kenosha Hershey Squirts

This is a Fantasy Football life that ended before it even began. On paper, the Squirts looked like the team to beat, but on the field, they quickly turned into a team everyone could beat. Now, they face a fate worse than death...the possibility of letting someone else name their team next season. 

On draft day, no team looked better. Peyton Manning and Josh Freeman would be taking the snaps, Chris Johnson and Peyton Hillis would be doing the running, Reggie Wayne and Wes Welker would be a dynamic duo, and Jermichael Finley would start at Tight End and be backed up by Jimmy Graham. If it would have been 2010, we would all be kissing Olsen Sr.'s Hershey Squirt-hole. Too bad it was 2011.   

Peyton Manning never even touched the field, which basically eliminated Reggie Wayne as a threat. Chris Johnson and Peyton Hillis underperformed to a degree that this league has never seen. Chris Johnson was a risky draft pick, but after his past few seasons no one thought he would perform like a deflated sex doll. Hillis' insistence on shitting the bed lead to his eventual outright release from the team.  

Big Lou Olsen can not be blamed for his teams failure...too much. Anyone who paid any attention, saw how feverishly he watched that waiver wire looking for any sort of spark to get his team out of the crapper. Cearly that time would have been better served masturbating. 

The Tractor Trailer knew that his season was over about 5 weeks in and just started cutting guys he
deemed "unworthy" to wear choco-sharts on their helmet. Which eventually lead to a team that was captained by Christian Ponder and Andy Dalton. 

The Squirts were a team we all rooted for (in secrecy), but knew that they would blow it in the end. Like Nate Kaeding, or the New York Jets.  This past weekends game was a microcosm of their season. The Choca-Poos held a 33.9 point lead going into Monday night, Ginger nuts only had WR Victor Cruz left playing...Cruz scored 36.1 points. Thus the season in a flacid nutshell, for Big Lou Olsen.

In the end it is all about having fun. Truth be told, no one had more fun each week than the old man. Let's not kid ourselves, watching that guy work the waiver wire was entertainment for all of us. If nothing else, we should at least applaud his effort to get better. There were some teams who sat around being nice to everybody, rather than making their team any better.

The Kenosha Hershey Squirts were certainly not the worst team we have ever seen, but they were never good either. If I were the old man, I would crack open a beer and phone it in for the "Loser's Playoffs". The only way to make a fantasy football death worse? Be crowned "King of the Losers".  This is a fate that the Tractor Trailer will refuse to accept. But, you can bet your sweet ass he will be
back next year, with months of studying under his belt.

So, let us raise our glasses to the Hershey Squirts...

May they rest in pieces...Reese's Pieces.


Madison Banana Hammocks

There was no better story this season, than that of the two teams from Madison. Davy Jones-Wagner spent all of last off-season trying to figure out how to make his team better. He started with a name change, going from the Firebirds to the Banana Hammocks. 

Going into the draft, improving seemed like a pretty easy task considering Wally granted him the #2 overall pick. The truth is Adrian Peterson can only do so much.  A tough lesson to learn for DWJ and the Minnesota Vikings...who also deserve an obituary. 

Unlike the Vikings, death did not come without a fight from the Naners. If they played in the West division, they would be neck in neck with their cross-town rivals for the final playoff spot. But, the fantasy gods peeled their banana before it was ripe. Green banana's are frowned upon in most walks of life, especially in the greater Madison area. 

Should they win this weekend, they will end the season with a winning record. There is never shame in that...unless of course it is fantasy football.

For the second straight year, Coach Davy will be prepping his team for the "Loser Bowl". This year will be a little different, but the endgame is still the same. Either you play hard and try to win, or throw the Lameoffs and spark up the hookah. Fortunately for Davy and company, they will be stoned to be-Tebow and will probably have forgotten all about this season by the 18th of December.  

This was a team whose life we should celebrate. To go from worst to second worst is nothing short of...better. We could sit here and complain about how pathetic Mark Sanchez was, or how disappointing Miles Austin was, but we should be embracing guys like Beanie Wells and Nick Novak (the OTHER Chargers kicker). It is really surprising that a team with Alex Smith on it did not make it into the playoffs though.

A win this weekend would put the Cock Cradles at 7-6 for the season and end the regular season on a 3 game win streak. What a way to dive feet first into your grave. Luckily for Mr. Wagner-Jones, he was good enough to retain the right to pick his own team name for the 2012 season.

It is with a very heavy heart, we here at WWSW lay this team to rest. Coach DJW is a close friend of our site and does some great photo work (see his risque works above) behind the scenes, but in the end...all of the cropping and 180 degree rotations in the world could not get his team into the chase for the Ryan Leaf Trophy.

So, let us raise our glasses to the Banana Hammocks...

May heaven be full of ripe, mature dongs...err bananas.