While at a benefit luncheon this weekend I spoke with several members of the front office for the Chicago Dingleberries. After several drinks, they began to talk about the trade involving Jay Cutler going to the Madison Chupacabras. It turns out that this deal was more for personal reasons than normal football business.
Jay Cutler is an alcoholic. This may be hard for some of you to read, but it is the truth. Look at his face in this picture, does that look like the face of a man who is prepared to do battle on the football field? He looks to me like a weekly patron at your friendly neighborhood Hooters. Now look, Bruce Wayne is not opposed to a casual drink every now and again, but it is hard to find a picture of this kid where he doesn't look drunker than Robert Downey Jr.
The Dingleberries made that trade in order to keep their team from falling apart. You can not have one of your leaders out on the field mixing rum with his Gatorade. If it isn't booze, then he is smoking joints on the sidelines and at halftime. The Chupacabras were only too happy to take him, since that is where players go to die. Cutler will fit right in with the Madison crowd because most of them are drunk all day too.
It is such a shame to see a young man, with his whole life ahead of him, behave this way. On the positive side, he isn't killing dogs or raping bar skanks in public restrooms and has not been convicted of a DUI............this season anyways. The question now becomes, where do we draw the line for these players? Do we simply provide them booze, dog fighting circles, and endless pounds of reefer in order to make life even easier for them? I do not have the answers, but don't you think that someone should.
Commissioner Kinzie was unavailable for comment about the details behind the trade. My guess is that he will cover up for Cutler because he loves him like a son. I know that, because he has said it in countless interviews since his acquisition. Alcoholism is a disease. And if Mr. Cutler has a disease (other than that diabetes crap he is always crying about), he needs to seek medical attention. If only their was a winged crime fighter to help him see the error of his ways. Since their isn't, here is another picture of this drunk bastard.
How much more evidence do you need?
Sincerely,
Bruce Wayne
President/CEO Wayne Enterprises
Certainly not Batman
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