Rochester Rainbows: Only Undefeated Left After Week 3

article by:  John Travolta

     Man, what another amazing weekend of football on West Wilson Street.  Three of the four games this weekend remained fairly close, with only one good old fashioned taint slam.  This weekend was filled with underperforming, from both coaches and players.  Despite all of that, the Rochester Rainbows went in to Clark Sweeney Memorial Stadium and held on to their undefeated record against a very tough Tree Humper team. 

     The Rochester Rainbows have put themselves in the driver's seat to control their own destiny, under the acceptional coaching of Dan Cozine.  This week coach Olsen mocked Cozine for starting both DeSean Jackson and Jeremy Maclin, all the while Olsen let Mike Wallace sit on the bench on his way to scoring 22 points.  Olsen seemed very confident all week about his teams chances, especially after last weeks 139 point abortion.  Coach Cozine had plenty of opportunities to blast Olsen back, but chose to take the high road and rely on his players to come up with the big plays when he needed them.  I think that if Cozine continues on this course, he will ride another white unicorn straight to the championship game. 

     Meanwhile, over in Madison the Chupacabras just can not seem to figure out how to suck the goat quite right.  For the third consecutive week the Chupa's just can not get anything going, even after adding alcoholic Jay Cutler and sandy vagina Carson Palmer.  This is a team in need of some motivation, if I was coach Tyson I would show them clips of my inspirational film, Phenomenon.  I get struck by lightning.....or something like that, the next thing you know......I'm Jesus.  Very inspirational.  Hey Nic, all I'm saying is consider watching Phenomenon and then get back to me.  At this point you literally have nothing else working for you, unless you got Rudy on your bench. 

Weekly Round-Up

Dingleberries    vs.    Firebirds
    112                       140

     This was a game that the Firebirds had to win.  They had such high hopes at the start of the season, but 0-2 always takes some of the gas out of your fart chamber.  The story of this game was lack of consistency on both sides of the ball.  One quarterback was a sex machine, while the other was 65 year old Jewish woman.  One running back was Braveheart and the other was Gigli.  Where coach Tyson was able to establish that this was his week, was at the tight end position.  After two weeks of sub par playing Tony Gonzalez had a huge game with 17 points, while on the other side of the field Vernon Davis had 2 points.
     "We really needed this win.  After reading the interview with Kinzie last week, it just made me want to kick his ginger ass into the turf.  The guys shared that feeling with me, accept for Garrard, so we shoved that football so far up his ginger hole he is gonna be smelling Firebird for weeks."  Coach Tyson went on to say that he wanted his team to really go out and enjoy this win.  He told them everything is fair game; dog fights, bathroom rape parties, DUI's, and keeping a handgun in your sweatpants.  Tyson wanted to stress to them that these offenses will only make you better on the football field, as this season has proved with Michael Vick, Braylon Edwards, and Ben Roethlisberger.


CYO    vs.    Clam Faces
 113                   131

     It's not very often in this life that you can be a ruthless dog Hitler one year and toast of Philly the next.  CYO may have lost, but it had nothing to do with #7 Michael Vick.  The downside of the game for CYO is, no one on the team other than Vick and Flacco scored in double digits!!  That is not a type-o!  Look at the box score.  Coach Sweeney has to feel good about getting out of there with a win, because they next time they play Vick and Roethlisberger could be on the field together. 

     I caught up with coach Sweeney after his press conference, "The guys just stayed the course and that is all I ask of them.  Well, that and to let me give their wives a 'Dog in the Bathtub' at least once a season."  I looked up what a 'dog in the bathtub' is, you probably should not.  Just know that it is no worse than anything Roethlisberger has ever done to a slut in a public pee pee room.  Let's just hope the next time these two teams meet coach Sweeney leaves his dog at home and makes sure Roethlisberger's bathroom has cameras in it.  Peyton Manning was the leading scorer for the Clam cakes this week with 31 points.

Rainbows    vs.    Humpers

   128                      121

     This was the closest game of the week, with the two teams only separated by a touchdown (which was nullified by a fake holding call on Mark Tauscher).  This was a great division matchup, with all the makings of a mediocre football movie.  The Humpers, coming off of the most disgraceful game in the history of the league, wanted nothing more than to leave a big steamy turd in the pot at the end of Cozine's rainbow.  It did not work out that way, as Coach C and his boys took those dirty Tree Humpers and tied them to a chair at a Republican National Convention.

     Coach Cozine is a man of few words, but he did have this to say at the end of the game, "Nah nah nah boo boo, stick your head in doo doo."  Coach Olsen was also reached for comment, but it was mostly full of racial slurs and I might have caught a Hellen Keller reference in their.  After this game it is pretty clear that these two are going to be bitter division rivals for the rest of the season.

Blacktion    vs.    Chupacabras

    126                       83

     This game was not close.  The Chups rolled out drunken master Jay Cutler and he lead the team with 15 points.  Black people do not scare me, but this Blackie team has this reporter shaking in his boots.  Matt Ryan and Phillip Rivers are both looking like a dynamic duo scoring 50 points between the two of them.  If coach Craig can get this kind of performance from them on an every week basis, we are gonna see a Million Man March before the champion is crowned. 

     Coach Craig could not be reached for comment.  We assume he is probably smoking blunts in his office, surrounded by his bitches and homies.  On the bright side we did catch up with Nic Tyson during the game, which was bizarre, "Mr. Travolta, can you please go away.  I got one quarterback over there puking up Jack Daniels', over there I have another one knitting me a sweater.  The last thing I need is to have Vinny Barbarino in my face asking me about why my team is so shitty.  Why don't you go watch Battlefield Earth or something?"  He didn't even know I was in that movie, he also did not seem to care.  Don't worry coach your autographed copy is in the mail.

     It's hard to imagine how this season is going to shake down.  There are only 2 things I can guarantee you about this football season; 1) You will get to read my articles every week      2)  You will always get hot pictures of Ines Sainz.  Have a great week everybody!!