Not Enough Humping or Blacking in Week 2

article by: John Travolta

     So the saying goes, "There is a first time for everything", and this week was no exception.  In a weekend filled with amazing performances from players and teams alike, one story has left everyone scratching their heads;  How can you have a tie in football?  This was not just any tie, both teams scored 139 points.  The Humpers had been leading through the entire game, until a late Frank Gore touchdown put the Blackies ahead by 3 points.  The only hope for a Humpers come back was a Garret Heartley field goal, and they only had 1:19 left to get him into position.  With :02 seconds left Hearltey walked onto the field to save the day for the hippies from Seattle.  His kick was straighter than my character in 'Face/Off' , and we had ourselves a tie game with no time left. 

     This was uncharted waters, and the commissioner was clueless.  "I'm in shock.  I have to see if there are any scoring changed before all is said and done."  In his first year as commissioner of the league he is already having to handle a great deal of controversy.  We are all aware of his current battle with congress over his Don't Ask Don't Tell policy in regards to the league, he has also received criticism for allowing two teams to make their home in Madison, and now this tie game debacle.  As a fellow man of power, there is really no right answer to this tie debate.  Does he dare overturn centuries of Fantasy Football by having an overtime, or do you just allow the tie to stand and potentially doom one teams playoff hopes down the road.  Better him than me I always say. 

     Regardless of how that breaks down, it should not take away from this amazing game.  Maybe it is better that no one win or lose.  This may have been the game of the year!!  It was high scoring, with tons of star power, and a back and forth battle that went right down to the final play of the weekend.  Frank Gore was without a doubt the player of the game scoring 28 points, meanwhile the Humpers defense put up an astonishing 33 points.  Any fan of football can tell you, games like this just do not come around very often.  There has never been a game that made me pee in my pants before, not because I was scared but because I couldn't bear to leave my television.  That is good football.

League Roundup 

Clams   vs.   Dingleberry 

   92                  126

     This game was never a contest after Matt Schaub threw for almost 500 yards.  When asked how you stop a guy like that Coach Sweens said, "Normally I would just have him stabbed or give him herpes.  Sadly my herpes is in remission and my team is full of pansies, so we lost." 

     After a strong win last week the Clams seemed to take a step back.  It is still really early, but the clams will need to really pick it up on defense if they want to challenge for the division crown.  On the other side, the Dingleberries continue to look like the team to beat in their division.  Another consistent performance on both sides of the ball from the Cow Pie offense.

Rainbows   vs.    Chupacabras

     115                         70

     Whenever the defense scores 14 points to lead your team in scoring, you just will not win.  The Chupa Chups really need to figure out how they can score more points.  Sounds really easy, but the Chupa coach seems to be having problems, "Nobody in my locker room wants to score!!  I have not seen this kind of sandy vaginitus since I was in the Navy.  At least in the Navy the only thing on your mind is SCORING!!!!!!!!" 

     Holy Shit, he is mad.  In the other locker room Coach Cozine could do nothing but praise his players.  I would have quoted him, but no one wants to read about happy things.  Needless to say most of the coaches praise was to his outstanding rookie running back Jahvid Best, who posted a 40 point day to lead all scorers. 

CYO    vs.    Firebirds

 108                   81

     The CYO's bounced back in a big way this week behind Micahel "I Don't Kill Dog's Anymore" Vick.  This was a huge victory for the CYO's confidence after last weekends painful loss.  Coach Derr after the game, "Mike was great tonight, it's too bad he won't be starting next week though because I'm not feeling too good about goodie two shoes Flacco.  At least with Michael everyone is afraid of him murdering their dog, which opens a lot of doors for him on the football field."

     The Firebirds just can not get everyone on the same page.  On paper they are one of the more terrifying teams, but two straight weeks of underperforming have put them in a 0-2 hole to start the season.  In a strong East division it is going to be difficult to claw their way to the top.  Coach Kurt spoke briefly to Ryan Leaf after the game, "I would have blitzed more, but I am an animal lover." 

Humpers    vs.    The Darkies

   139                        139 

     They tied. 

     What a thrilling week two.  Not much else to say until we hear from the commissioner later this week about how we will handle ties in the future.  Make sure and rent 'From Paris With Love' this week.  I give one of my finest performances with facial hair, plus it did not do so well at the Box Office.  Also, don't miss 'Grease' on VH-1 this Wednesday night, it is still the greatest movie musical  I have ever been in.  See everybody next week.  And now the reason you all read my articles, some Ines Sainz pictures.