THE Interview with Ryan Leaf

This Week:  League Commissioner Charles Kinzie Esquire

     League Commissioner and veritable Renaissance man, Charles Roger Kinzie, sat down with me this week to discuss the start to this season.  We probed deep into  We really dug in   We had a nice chat about a few things that have been hanging over the league to start the season.  He was kind enough to invite me to his home in Chicago for Beer and Pizza (even though I asked for tea and biscuits).

RL:  Mr. Kinzie, what is the leagues official stance on a tie game?

CK:  It's unfortunate that it happened.  You hope that something like that never happens, but it was bound to happen sooner or later.  The thing that really pissed me off, was that even Wally suffered a tie in his record.  How is that fair?  Wally did not deserve that.

RL:  I couldn't agree more, poor dog.  Would you ever consider making tie games illegal?

CK:  Maybe not so far as to make it illegal, but certainly some sort of punishment for the parties involved.  Possibly some form of public humiliation, like putting them in the gallows so people can throw old fruit and vegetables at them.  We would make sure that it was socially acceptable, you know, no feces tossing or anything like that.  Just good old fashioned rotten food.

RL:  Wow, what a revolutionary idea.  You have seen the game between the Humpers and the Blackies, who do you think won?

CK:  Well I can not say one way or the other for legal reasons, but I will say the Blackies didn't lose.

RL:  Point taken.  Now my next questions is about the Seattle Humpers new stadium, which will be called Clark Sweeney Memorial Stadium.  Did you vote for or against the new stadium?

CK:  I voted yes.  Vehemently.

RL:  Do you find it strange that Clark's own son did not make more of an effort ot build a stadium in his father's name?

CK:  It's downright shameful............how do you spite your father that way?

RL:  I could never do that to my father I know that.  Do you also find it strange that coach Sweeney has not yet contributed to the league blog, even though he has a degree in journalism?

CK:  I am disappointed, but he has a lot going on in his personal life.  He is moving in with his girlfriend, not sure if you knew about that Lou  Ryan Leaf.  Well anyways, when he does write the article I have very high hopes.  I think it will be something that will truly make us consider our existence and what our purpose on this earth might be.

RL:  So you are expecting "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows"?

CK:  More or less.

RL:  Charles, who the hell is Clark Sweeney?  And why is he so important to this league?

Only known photo of Imperial Thrashing Baby Killers

CK:  Well Ryan, Clark Sweeney is of course the father of Brain Sweeney, the head coach of the Washington D.C. Clam Faces.  Clark was really the glue that helped keep the Imperial Thrashing Baby Killers alive and well.  In fact, Clark was the person who came up with the name!!  Ahhh, so many memories of him calling us girls and quacking at us about nonsense.  He also helped us to party like it was 1999.......in 1999.  I mean that is the kind of man Clark Sweeney was.  Let me tell you something, if you don't know Clark Sweeney you don't belong on earth.  That man is my Superman............but alot shorter................and less muscular.  Lots of chest hair though.  What was the original question?

R.L:  Not important.  Here's a better question, why did you decide to let Michael Vick back in the league?

C.K:  Did I?  Michael Vick is back in the league?  (turns to assistant and assistant whispers something in his ear)  Oh, that's right.  He replaced that Kolby jack kid.  Ummm, Vick seems over it.  He says all the right things, kind of like McNabb used to do.  All in all I am pretty neutral about it, Swiss if you will.

R.L:  Has dog murdering always been a passion of yours?

C.K:  (silence and glaring)

R.L:  Out of line?  I'm sorry.  Let me re-phrase that.  If I murder a dog, do you think you could get me a try out for one of the Madison teams?

C.K:  Your best bet would be the Chupacabras.  I know the manager, let me see what I can do. 

R.L:  Now for a more personal question.  Lou Olsen is a contributor to our blog, he told me that you disappeared at his wedding.  Where did you go?  He wanted me to ask you.

C.K:  I had to sneak out to a Ginger Seperatist Movement sponsored 'All Ginger Pride Conference 2009' at the airport Hilton.  The motto that year was:  The only way to fight hate, is with more hate!!  Great conference.

R.L:  Ok.  And at last our questionnaire, which I stole from James Lipton, who stole it from Bernard Pivot, who really stole it from Marcel Proust.

What is your favorite word?

C.K: Ginger

R.L:  What is your least favorite word?

C.K: Non-Ginger

R.L: What turns you on?

C.K:  Red Power

R.L:  What turns you off?

C.K:  All other colors

R.L:  What is your favorite curse word?

C.K: Fuck

R.L:  What sound or noise do you love?

CK:  The sound of me farting

R.L:  What sound or noise do you hate?

C.K:  The sound of other people farting

R.L:  What other profession other than your own, would you like to attempt?

C.K:  Nude Salsa Dance Instructor

R.L:  What profession would you not like to attempt?

C.K:  Tornado Chaser.  Bill Paxton sucks.  (Twister reference)

R.L:  If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

C.K:  Just Kidding

R.L:  Finally, if there is no heaven and you are reincarnated as some other plant or animal, what would it be?

C.K:  Ginger root, I could be used for spice. 

R.L:  Thank you very much for your time Mr. Kinzie.  Is there anything else you would like to say?

C.K:  Red Power!!

R.L:  Great. 


     After spending this time with Mr. Kinzie, I realized how fortunate this league is to have such an empowering figure leading the way.  This is a man of great power and prestige, yet he is just a simple man like you or .......well not me I'm awesome.  I am struck by how much he cares about his teams and their coaches.  We are in amazing, soft, gentle, warm, yet firm, ginger hands.