How many QB's does it take to....................

article by:  Curtis Enis
(Former Chicago Bear, and 39th biggest draft bust in all of sports (per ESPN))

1) Steal Kevin Kolb's Job

     Sadly, the answer to this question is just 1.  Enter Michael Vick, dog murderer extraordinaire, and fantasy football machine.  Sure, anyone who was lucky enough to pick up Vick is kissing their own ass for how genius they are, but what are the long term ramifications?  Will Kevin Kolb start murdering dogs in order to save his career?  Will Eagles coach Andy Reid start murdering dogs just to fit in with Vick?  When Vick's career starts to decline, will he murder more dogs just to get a Brett Favre size share of media attention.  

2) Beat the Steelers Defense

     At the moment the answer is two and counting.  How is it possible that a team with Charlie Batch (number four on the Steelers depth chart) at QB can keep winning games?  That defense is just relentless.  It is as simple as that.  And with the return of "the bathroom rapist" looming in week 5, things are only going to get worse for opposing quarterbacks.

3) Make the Chupacabras an actual threat in this league

     Well with two huge trades this week for both Jay Cutler and Carson Palmer that number might be 2.  Although both quarterbacks have a history of erratic play, this is certainly a step up from Derek Anderson and Kevin Kolb (may he rest in peace).  Desperate times call for desperate measures over there in Madison. 

4) Make Brett Favre NOT look like Diva

     None that I know of.  That guy is a bigger drama queen than the whole Kardashian family.  Hey Brett, if you want to play again next year take a page from my book.  Get a hooker pregnant, denounce your family, covert to Islam, and then show up to training camp......and preferably in that order.   

5) Get the Cleveland Browns into the Playoffs

     Right now the number is 27.  That's right 27 different quarterbacks have started for the Browns since their return to the NFL in 1999.  You think your team sucks?  That's an average of just short of 3 per year.  In fact the only Quarterback to stat an entire season since 1999:  Arizona Cardinals starting QB Derek Anderson.  At least the Chupacabras are willing to stick with a guy for 2 weeks before moving on. 

Well that's it for me this week.  Thanks for reading, some might say this is the best football work I have done since college.  If you have any friends who need landscaping done I am free all the time.  It's amazing that no one out there is willing to give a former NFL star a job.  Especially here on the north side of Chicago.  I would just like to give a shout out to my boy Cade McNown, wherever that guy is.