Rainbows Look to their Roots... And Find a Pot of Gold

by Seymour Butts

Rochester Rainbow Special Correspondent

     Rochester, Minnesota's premier football team, the Rainbows, has a richer history than many would imagine.  The franchise initially formed one year ago as the Rochester Jizz Bolts.  The team's uniform and helmet featured a solid blue background split diagonally by a giant white lightning bolt-shaped load of jizz.  Behind an all-star roster which included Super Bowl champion Drew Brees, break-out tight end star Jermichael Finley, Donald Driver, and Ray Rice, the inaugural season ended with an amazing 11-3 record and first place finish.  The entire season was a neck-in-neck race between the Jizz Bolts and the I. T. Baby Killers for the top seed heading into the championship tournament.  The I. T. Baby Killers stumbled in the final weeks of the regular season, yielding the number one seed to the Jizz Bolts.  The Jizz Bolts beat the BananaNose Maldonados handily, advancing to the Final with a 95-74 victory.  In the upset of the century, third seeded Rugberts defeated the I. T. Baby Killers to meet the Jizz Bolts in the Final.  In one of the most closely contested matchups of the season, the Jizz Bolts eked out a 103-97 victory over the Rugberts, thus securing Coach Cozine's job for at least one more season.

Soon after the victorious season, Coach Cozine was delivered some devastating news - no money for the league had been collected, and therefore the projected payout for taking first place was exactly $0.  Spiraling into a deep state of depression, Coach Cozine was frequently spotted visiting the neighborhood Dairy Queen, ordering as many as three large Butterfinger Blizzards at a time.  Reporters could not elicit any meaningful comments from Coach Cozine during these dark times.  Mostly, they were only able to catch him muttering under his breath, "That is so gay."

     Putting football aside, Coach Cozine returned to form that following Spring to put together an NCAA Basketball Tournament Bracket.  Against all odds, he chose an under-the-radar Duke team to win it all.  After trailing the tourney pool for most of March, the dividends of picking a darkhorse team started rolling in.  In a matter of several days, Cozine's bracket catapulted from nearly dead last to front of the pack.  In a pleasant reversal of prior trends, several fellow competitors actually mailed in their entrance fees.  With a renewed sense of hope, Cozine decided to give the football route another shot.  Assembling what he could of his former top-notch squad, Coach Cozine entered the fray, with this to say on his draft-day press conference:

    

     "It has been a long road from where we ended up at the end of last season.  I had to have gained at least 50 pounds, but I've lost it all to be in the best shape possible to coach this team to a repeat victory.  I still maintain, this team maintains, that receiving no pay out for last year's victory is really gay.  I mean seriously.  Super mega ultra gay.  At this time, I would like to officially announce a change in our team's name to something which accurately reflects the gay feelings we have towards the previous season's disappointment.  Henceforth, the Rochester Jizz Bolts will now be proudly taking the field as the Rochester Rainbows.  I wish the other coaches in the league the best of luck, and would like to respectfully invite them all to eat a dick."

     The season is already off to a fast start for Rochester's favorite team.  At 2-0, they hold an unshared lead in the West division.  Coach Cozine certainly spat some venomous material, and it remains to be seen if any of the other coaches can successfully turn that venom into effective bulletin board material.  The world will certainly be watching as the Jizz Bolts come Rainbows play for the repeat.