2012 Wild Card Playoff Preview

article by: Morgan Freeman

On the gridiron, as in life, nothing is certain.  You wake up one day and are on the top of the heap, the very next day you could find yourself foraging through garbage bags for bread crust.  Such was the 2012 season in the West Wilson Street Revival League.  The two teams who found themselves sleeping under cardboard roofs in 2011, now find themselves in the hunt for our sports ultimate prize...The Ryan Leaf Memorial Trophy. 

This weekend, we will be without our two division winners.  The Philadelphia Butt Pirates found a way to secure their 3rd consecutive Eastern Division Title, whilst the Sandusky Disciples won their final 5 games to overcome the Rochester Spinning Cosmos and hoist the Western Division crown.

In the final week of the season, there was a match-up that made Hulk Hogan look like Richard Simmons.  The Kenosha Fighting Dildos, lead by fearless silver fox Louis Olsen Sr. III took to the field to dismantle the Lansing Clam Faces and Capt. Brian Tiberius Sweeney.  When all was said and done, and only 75 fans were killed in the post game riots, the Dildos walked away with victory...and a ticket into the greatest tournament known to about 17 people.

This weekend, we will be fortunate enough to watch two teams quest come to an end, and two others carry their banner onward.  Who will march forward?  Who will cry themselves to sleep on their Scooby-Doo pillow cases?  That is what I am here for.  To help you better understand these four possible Ryan Leaf Champions and the taint saturating pressure they face.

Kenosha Fighting Dildos vs. Madison Banana Hammocks

One team has earned its place in this game by entrusting it's well being to a can of Satan soda pop.  The other team is here because it fought through the blistering power of the Clam Face.  Their season series was a draw, with each team winning once.

The Fighting Dildos are already in playoff mode.  Last weekend, they proved that they had the testicular fortitude and their coach had the gray pubes to lead them through any obstacle thrown their way.  This team is lead by the brothers Manning, and the WR duo of Brandon Marshall and Victor Cruz.  What will truly determine the postseason fate of Kenosha's favorite sex toys, will be the production from RB's Chris Johnson and DeMarco Murray.  Murray is the real  wild card in this game.  If he can produce like he did prior to his injury, this could be one of the finest waiver pick ups in the history of this storied league.  The biggest obstacle for the Dildos is themselves.  Many of their losses and shortcomings this season were self-inflicted.  In this match-up, I think that Dildo on Dildo violence could be what decides this game. 

Meanwhile, the home team, has brought Madison it's second consecutive playoff berth (The Srotum Smashers delivered the Ryan Leaf Trophy in 2011).  And you better believe that "Mad-Town" is hungry for more parades.  This team also has added incentive, losing former coach and General Manager Davy Jones this past off-season.  In a surprise move, the team hired a demonically possessed un-opened Mr. Pibb soda can to coach the team.  A move that was initially mocked by the league and writers on this illustrious site.  In hindsight, the move has put the Banana Hammocks in position to reach the summit of Ryan Leaf mountain.  This WR core is the strongest in the league, by far: Hakeem Nicks, AJ Green, Dez Bryant, and Tony Gonzalez at TE.  Where this team should be concerned, QB and RB; Carson Palmer, Colin Kaepernick, and Michael Turner.  They do however possess (pun intended) Adrian Peterson, who has benefited greatly from Satan's knee replacement juice.  If the Hammocks want to win this game, they will need their QB's to stay in range of the Manning boys.  It is really as simple as that.  Beat the Mannings and you beat the Dildos.

ESPN Projection: Dildos 191  vs  Hammocks 176
Morgan Freeman Projection: Hammocks upset the favored Dildos 158 - 149

K-Town Bootleggers vs. Rochester Spinning Cosmos

During the regular season, the Cosmos won both match ups by a combined 38.5 points.  In my estimation, that puts all of the pressure on the Cosmos.  To defeat a division opponent twice in a season is a daunting task, defeating them three times...well that is an act of me (see Bruce Almighty and Evan Almighty...on second thought, just see Bruce Almighty). 

The Bootleggers did not have the type of season they were hoping for.  Skipper Nick Lightning, had hoped to retain their Western Division title from 2011.  The best laid plans of mice and men often go astray.  The Booties season was stuffed with peril, like a turkey or an Easter Island conga line.  Mostly due to injuries.  In fact, aside from his QB's and Calvin Johnson almost every player on his roster has missed at least one game due to injury.  Currently, franchise star LeSean McCoy sits on the shelf for this weeks game.  Luckily, the core of this team was strong enough to fend off the reigning champs for the final playoff spot in the West.  If the Bootleggers want to defeat the Cosmos this weekend, they need consistency from top to power bottom.  Having one player score 20 points and another score 4 will not be enough to cast off the shackles that Coach Cozine and company have placed on the Moonshiners in 2012.  But with Calvin Johnson on your roster, you can never count out a 40 point outburst. And those types of performances are much more in Coach Lightnings favor, than his counterparts. 

Just five weeks ago, it would have been impossible to fathom that the city of Rochester would be gearing up for a game this weekend.  With 5 weeks to go and a 4 game lead in the division, it was as good as theirs...but things change.  Over the past few weeks, the Spinning Cosmos have lost some of their rotation.  In the past 3 weeks, the Cosmos are 1-2 with their only win coming in a .1 point victory over the 1-12 Affirmative Blacktion.  In order for the Cosmos season to not end in a big pool of bitter cunt juice, they need Tony Romo and Joe Flacco to play up to their potential.  The RB situation is a lost cause, with BJGE and Shonne Greene as your starters.  Eric Decker, Reggie Wayne, and Lance Moore are really the best thing the Cosmos have going for them right now.  While Decker has disappointed since being picked in the 2nd round of this years draft, he still has a strong upside.  The Cosmos also have very serious injury issues; Michael Vick, Darren McFadden, and Jordy Nelson are all out for this weekends game.  If the Cosmos want any chance of winning this game, it will come down to Tony Romo and a surprise from one of his RB's...otherwise I fear Rochester will be soaked in disgusting cunt juice. 

ESPN Projection: Bootleggers 186 vs. Cosmos 155
Morgan Freeman Projection: Bootleggers overcome their injuries to win 172 - 141


Be sure to check back closer to the weekend, as we bury our dead.  Obituaries for the 4 teams without a meaningful game left to play this season, will be posted in the coming days.  You won't want to miss it, unless you are dead.

Week 12 Highlights/Week 13 Preview

article by David Schwimmer

As the regular season comes to a close, there is really no reason to re-cap every game.  To be quite honest, some of you are not even worth the imaginary ink this computer spouts onto imaginary paper.  Since this upcoming weekend is the end of the regular season, we are going to focus on the only 2 games that matter.  And since this is a re-cap, we will cover what many are calling "The Greatest Game in League History". 

First let's start with the absolutes, here are the 3 teams staying home for the playoffs:
W - Coach Craig and the Affirmative Blacktion
W - Coach Tyson and the reigning RLT Champion Madison Scrotum Smashers
E - Coach Blake and the Waukesha Claymakers

Here are the 5 teams that are locked into a playoff spot:
E - Philadelphia Butt Pirates
E - Madison Banana Hammocks
W - Rochester Spinning Cosmos
W - Sandusky Disciples
W - K-Town Bootleggers

That leaves one spot left at Ryan Leaf glory and one spot for the Toilet Bowl.  That spot will be decided this weekend in a head to head match up between...you know what, I won't spoil it.  Here is this week's 1 re-cap and the preview of two games that actually serve a purpose. 

Week 12 Recap:
 
Affirmative Blacktion vs. Spinning Cosmos
             (144.5)                         (144.6)

YOU GUYS. I think we had the game of the season this week. Srsly. It involved mystery. It left one coach broken-hearted. It captivated the hearts and minds of millions. It didn’t matter. It featured the Spinning Cosmos in a slide toward an inevitable playoff berth versus millionaire, jet-setting playboy Coach Craig Moylan and his one-win Affirmative Blacktion. [You know what, I’m just going to add “Blacktion” to my Word dictionary now. – Ed.]

Both teams had marquee QBs sit this game out due to injury – Vick for Coach Cozinson and the Bathroom Bandit Ben Roethlisberger for poor, sad Coach Craig. Speaking of quarterbacks, had Craig played Badger alumnus Russell Wilson (24.8 points) over the bipolar Fitzpatrick (12.4 points), he would have mopped the floor with the Cosmos. Honestly, though, it was a toss-up between the two, with the helmsmen facing the Dolphins and Colts, respectively. Craig may have been motivated by a recent trade for the bearded Bill.

The interesting bit is that last week, both teams were in talks to trade for Fitzy, and Dan may have given up Old Faithful Eric Decker (10.4 points) in his QB desperation, had he not also been overseas on a tropical locale and with limited Internet access. YES, BOTH COACHES WERE MANAGING FANTASY FOOTBAL TEAMS FROM AN 80-DEGREE FRIGGIN’ BEACH. Turns out, Tony Homo (34.3 points) and Flacco (19.8) showed up for the good coach. What a world.

Decided on Sunday, the real killer of this match up was that Dan made one of two possible lineups that would have resulted in victory this week. He had only 17.9 bench points, and his inactive TE, Brent Celek (3.9 points) would have trumped an uncharacteristic goose egg from Vernon Davis, usually a force of nature. Again, it didn’t matter.

The Spinning Cosmos are a lock for the playoffs, and the Affirmative Blacktion will assume a new, even more offensive mantle in 2013. If you didn’t know, Dan’s dog, which I assume spins like a motherfucker because it’s a hyper-ass vizsla, is named Cosmo. That’s why his team is called the Spinning Cosmos. Clearly this is the devil’s work. Let us all pray that one day we will eradicate this horrid name from our honorable league. As fate would have it, the Affirmative Blacktion will soon be no more. I will pour out some of my PBR for ye, AB.

Week 13 Preview:

Sandusky Disciples vs. Spinning Cosmos

 



I call this photo "Death of a Cosmos"



Let us look ahead, to the first-place tiebreaker in the West Division, between lucky-ass Dan Cozine (holder of the Won By A Cunt Hair trophy for his 0.1-point victory last week) and surging Louis Olsen IV and his Sandusky Diddlers. Yes, he has returned from an embarrassing 2011 season to unexpected glory in this year’s regular season.  In fact, he’s a 22-point favorite going into the match.



But we all know that ESPN’s predictions are bullshit.

For example, they predict that Stevie Johnson will rack up 20.5 points this week against Jacksonville. POPPYCOCK. That would be his best game all season. Quite a prognostication. They also estimate Flacco’s production versus the Steelers at 13.1 points when he’s averaging 18.1 on the season. He played at Pittsburgh just two weeks ago and managed a measly 6.5 points. But they say that Flacco sucks in away games, and this week’s is at home in Baltimore. So what, did they just pick a number out of a hat? Fuck these guys.

Anyway, Dan stands a chance, since Romo has a great match up against the Eagles, who apparently like to ruin fantasy seasons by giving up 40 points to Cam Newton out of the blue. And I’ll be damned if I think Sproles will tally only 9.1 points this week. That motherfucker is a monster, and could go off at any time, broken hand or no.

Keep your attention to Monday Night Football, as this match up will be decided by RGIII’s performance against bipolar rival the New York Giants. The winning coach will be spared a play-in match to the meat of the playoffs, and I can’t think of two more douchy assholes to compete for the honor. Fuck this game.

I’m out.

Prediction: Sandusky by 9.5

Kenosha Fighting Dildos vs. Lansing Clam Faces

While the first game I previewed was for a division title, this is the only game that will decide "Life & Death" to the 2012 season.  Thanks to an amazing effort to piss away a 50 point lead, the Clam Faces are now in a very dire situation.  Had they held on to win this past weekend, the only way the Dildos make the post season is by mounting a 15+ point victory over the Clams.  Instead....

This game is a one and done situation.  So essentially, the playoffs start tonight.  The winner of this Eastern division game will punch a ticket to the Big Prance.   

As with the Cosmos and Shower Powers, this game could come down to Monday night.  The Dildos have Eli Manning and Victor Cruz taking on a very pedestrian Redskins defense.  If the Clams want to play an extra December game(that means something), they might want to shoot for a bigger lead than 50pts.  Because if I know anything about football, I know that Eli Manning is better than Cam Newton and Victor Cruz is better than Steve Smith.  Sweeney might want to shoot for a 60 to 70 point lead going into Monday...just to be safe. 

If you are going to pay attention to a game this weekend, it should be this one.  Your game is probably overrated and serves you no real purpose, so hop on a bandwagon.  ESPN is projecting a Dildos victory by 13 points, which means exactly dick lips.  Sit your ass down and keep an eye on this game, even if it does cut into your ritualistic Sunday spank sessions...it will be worth it.  A wirey old man versus a sexually verile 30 something...did you know they brought back Cougar Town?  TBS...where dead shows go to die...again. 

Prediction: Dildos by 3.9

Playoff Preview - East Division

By Patrick Stewart

Duty. A starship captain's life is filled with solemn duty. I have commanded men in battle. I have negotiated peace treaties between implacable enemies. I have represented the Federation in first contact with twenty seven alien species. But none of this compares with my solemn duty today -- as guest blogger for West Wilson Street Weekly. Now, I know, on an occasion such as this, it is expected that I be gracious and fulsome in my praise on the wonders of this blessed division, but there is one fact I cannot shake from my consciousness.

The West Wilson Street Revival East Division has a 100 percent failure rate in its pursuit of the Ryan Leaf Tournament trophy.

So while I will perform my duty today in analyzing the hopes of each of these fantasy football disappointments, I will do so knowing that none will break the trend of handing the Leaf Trophy to the West. Let us begin.


Waukesha Claymakers:

In the cellar, Coach Blake has seen a variety of issues this year -- most from his beloved Packers. Rodgers briefly faltered, leaving the Claymakers scrambling. Cedric Benson's injury blew a hole in the lineup, and in week 10 he will have to face a tough Dildos team without his star QB or nascently productive WR Randall Cobb. He's not got a terrible team -- just an unlucky one. His stars have been unpredictable thus far, and many points have been stranded on the bench for Coach Back Door. As a result, he has had a shitty beginning of the season, and will likely miss the playoffs this year if his players remain as sporadic as they have been so far. Odds of making the post-season: 40%

Madison Banana Hammocks:

As I write this, Coach Davy's star WR, A.J. Green has 16 points. Right now less than five minutes have elapsed in the game. Add to that Purple Jesus, Brandon Lloyd and Hakeem Nicks and I don't see any way that the team can't do well. What's that? Davy is below .500 with a 4-5 record? I do not understand. [Checks QB situation] Ah yes. Ryan Tannehill and Jay Cutler. That's why. QBs are so important in this league that despite his strong WR/RB corps, he'll have to get lucky to pull off a victory over the better teams in the Revival. He'll make the playoffs, but like the Clams, will likely fall early. Odds of making the post-season: 60%

Lansing Clam Faces:

Buoyed by a couple of stars, the blue-collar Clam Faces have seen much turnover so far this season. They have ridden the waiver wire perhaps too much, with hyped players like Kevin Ogletree, Titus Young and Josh Gordon all underperforming after breakout games. However, Coach Sweeney's gamble on rookie Andrew Luck has paid dividends, and Frank Gore has exceeded expectations, earning a spot in the list of top 10 RBs so far this season. This team will likely make the playoffs, but fizzle if DeSean Jackson, Jeremy Maclin and Ryan Mathews don't turn their seasons around. Odds of making the post-season: 75%

Kenosha Fightin' Dildos:

In a delightful story of an old guy overcoming the adversity of a terrible first-ever fantasy season, Coach Olsen the Senior is firmly in second place in the East Division. His all-Manning QB strategy has proven successful, despite seeming a little gimmicky at first. He has survived Chris Johnson's terrible first half of the season, and the RB now seems poised to break out. At the same time, a lack of depth could sink his season if he gets a visit from the injury fairy. Odds of making the post-season: 75%

Philadelphia Butt Pirates:

The clear favorite, Charles' well-coached squad sits atop the division at 7-2. With a comfortable two-game lead, the good coach looks to maintain his perfect history, having never missed the playoffs. He has, however, shown signs of desperation. After an injury to top-5 WR Percy Harvin, he ditched his backup QB in favor of speedster Taiwan Jones. Really, he had no choice but to dump stinkbomb Matt Cassell, but one rough sack to Tom Brady or Matt Schaub could torpedo Gingerballs' post-season chances. Odds of making the post-season: 100%

Playoff Preview - West Division

-->

 By Morgan Freeman

Football. Whether a fantasy or a real game with real consequences, it’s power over us cannot be ignored. We watch helplessly from week to week, thinking that our cheers will somehow impact the outcome. But the truth remains -- investing in football means investing in something greater than oneself.  The West Wilson Street Revival League stands for all that is right, and so horribly wrong with competition.

My job today, is to walk you through each team and their hope for Ryan Leaf immortality.  Some will be happy and others will be the opposite of happy.  Many will try, but only one will succeed.  Could it be a team from the Western Division for the third consecutive season, or will the East finally rise up and meet the vast challenge that lies before them.

I am Morgan Freeman, and this ......... is my Western Division playoff preview.

Affirmative Blacktion: 

1982-2012

Mathematically eliminated from post season play, the only professional sports team in the state of Alaska has fallen well short of their preseason hopes. All they can do now is pray that they win the Crapper Bowl and avoid being renamed by a league of perverts. Rather than this weekend’s matchup with the Sandusky Disciples being a statement game, it is nothing more than a wave of the white flag. With only 7 active players on the roster, Coach Craig “The Mexskimo” Moylan must now spend the remainder of the season deciding which two players will stay with him for 2013, and who will go pack into the cesspool we call a draft. Odds of Making Post-Season: 0%

Madison Scrotum Smashers:

...stupid.

The reigning champs have pulled off miracles before, thanks to Coach Nic Tyson’s amazing coaching. Last season they snuck into the post-season as a sub-par wild card entry.  They finished with the Ryan Leaf Trophy. Truly, one of the more blessed seasons in the history of this storied league. So far this season, his magic seems to have worn out its welcome. He took a huge risk in keeping Cam Newton and Jamaal Charles, both whom have underperformed.  Star WR Greg Jennings has missed most of the season, ironically, with some testicular issues. While the Smashers remain just one game out of the playoff hunt, three straight loses this late in the season can be the difference between the Leaf Tournament and the Turd Tourney.  But in order to repeat, his team will need to score more points.  They have currently tallied the second fewest points in the league, only outscoring the pathetic Blackies by 23.  Odds of Making Post-Season: 20%

K-Town Bootleggers:

...according to GIS

In 2011, the Bootleggers were the class of the league and winners of the Western Division…then they defecated in the bed during the 1st round of the Ryan Leaf Tournament.  This season, they have all of the fire power the 2011 team did, but with worse luck.  Through 9 weeks, the Bootstrap Bill Turner’s have had the most points scored against them in the league.  A whopping 1338.7 points have been put up so far, for an average of 148.7 pts scored against him each week.  That is a very tall obstacle to overcome on a week by week basis.  They currently hold the 3rd and final spot in the Western division, if the season ended today.  But their hopes of winning the division are slim to mostly none, as they are 4 games back, with 4 games to go.  But they can solidify their playoff hopes with a win against the Scrotum Smashers this weekend.  A 2 game lead with 3 games to play, should be more than enough for them to hold off Coach Tyson and Co., therefore making it into the Tournament of Champions.  Odds of Making the Post-Season: 65%

Sandusky Disciples:

Smooth, Lou.

Cellar dwellers in 2011, and Ryan Leaf Champions in 2010, the Disciples seem to be back to their winning ways.  Currently they are the highest scoring team in the league, but have had the 3rd most points scored against them.  That is a recipe for a 5-4 record to this point.  There is no denying that on any given week this team can score with the best of them, but they also have plenty of miscues.  Matt Stafford was an addition prior to the draft, whom has vastly underperformed.  They have had inconsistencies from the D/ST position all season long.  But, thanks to Arian Foster, Robert Griffin III, and Doug Martin this team is in prime position to clinch their playoff spot this weekend.  A Disciples win and Scrotum Smasher loss would punch their RLT ticket.  This team has the makings of a 2011 Scrotum Smashers, plenty of fire power without the impressive regular season record.  You can also look for this team to have a new name in 2013.  Odds of Making the Post-Season: 85%

Rochester Spinning Cosmos:

Hardcore.

Thanks to Coach Daniel Cozine and his astronomical drafting technique, the Cosmos are already planning for the RLT.  At this point it is mathematically impossible for them to not be a participant in this tournament of champions.  The bigger goal, winning the Western division…WHICH, they can put out of reach with a win this weekend, against the Eastern division leading Philadelphia Butt Pirates.  I do not intend to belittle what this team has accomplished, but they have had the least amount of points scored against them in the 2012 campaign.  Opponents are only scoring an average of 128.2 points per week, while Cozine is scoring an average of 144.8 a week.  This is clearly the best team in the league as I am writing this, but as we saw last season…the best regular season team does not always march onto the Ryan Leaf Memorial Trophy.  However, I expect this team to rest up and be ready for post-season play.  Odds of Making the Post-Season: 100%

Morgan Freeman’s Prediction:

In the first round, I believe the K-Town Bootleggers will have to travel to Seattle to face the Sandusky Disciples.  Seattle has not hosted a WWSR postseason game since the 2010 Championship and you can bet that “The Shower” will be rocking.  In the end, I believe that the Disciples will be too much for the Bootleggers too handle.  However, we are going to get another look at these two teams on the same field in Week 12.  The outcome of that game could change the location of the 1st round game, as well as the momentum in this postseason.  Morgan’s pick: Disciples win 165.3 to 152.1

The Western Division Championship Game will be decided in the trenches.  It will come down to the Kickers and the D/ST.  These two teams can go punch for punch at every other position, but this is where a coach really earns his legacy.  At the end of that fateful Monday night, I suspect that the Spinning Cosmos will be more than the Disciples can handle.  The Bears D/ST has been the driving force behind the Coach Cozine Machine.  They will not disappoint late in the season and will push the Cosmos into the Ryan Leaf Championship Game for the first time in the history of their franchise.  Morgan's Pick: Cosmos win 154.9 to 141.7

Week 9, Feeling Fine

Good Evening My Fellow...Dudes.

Can you believe that there are only 4 more weeks before the regular season comes to a close?  Not only will two of you unlucky sons of bitches get your teams re-named, but I will be out of another fucking job.  You know...I can't make Madagascar movies forever.  I mean I would if the studio let me, but they want to move on to other projects.  This is the only thing paying my bills right now, and do you know how expensive a sex reassignment procedure my rent is?

This week was full of surprises.  In fact there were so many surprises I have decided to lop off my man tail and get a pleasure hole   I thought Christmas splooged early, err came early I mean.  Alright, enough about my holiday man-naise, lets get right into to the fornication action.

Editors note: This is a blog, I have no idea why Schwimmer keeps crossing things out.  All he has to do is delete this shit.  9 weeks on the job and he still doesn't fucking get it. 


Madison Banana Hammocks vs. Philadelphia Butt Pirates
                (175.3)                                         (141.2)

When you talk about the Cock Cots, you think about two of the most overrated QB's in the league, a dead owner, and a can of discontinued soda possessed by the devil.  This has been a winning formula as of late, winning 3 of their last 4, behind the skillful coaching of Demon Pibb.  Carson Palmer and Jay Cutler both got the sand out of their sex holes and put up some numbers (36.9 and 26.4 respectively).  Adrian Peterson continues to show how well demonic spells can help your knee ligaments to heal (34.3 pts).  The bottom line is, if the Hammocks can knock off the division leaders, then who is safe?

On the other side of the field...the Booty Bandits were due for a lose.  They had some pretty solid performances, but nothing that really gave them that extra "take a deep breath, I'm going all in" type of week.  Matt Cassel once again snapped his wiener off trying to do a cock push-up on prime time TV (6.9 pts).  And the biggest surprise for the Sexual Scurvies, was Percy Harvin and his 3.4 pts.  After the game coach Ginger Kinz had some choice words:

Fuck....that....shit.  The next time we play them, I bringing a young priest and an old priest.  I am going to exorcise that delicious Dr. Pepper rip-off.  None of this would have ever happened if Davy were still alive....I would have easily won today if he was still here.  May he burn in hell.    

Boners of the Week: Hakeem Nicks (2 pts) and Percy Harvin (3.4 pts)


Affirmative Blacktion vs. Kenosha Fightin' Dildos
            (118.2)                               (145.6)

Well, it's time to start thinking of new names for the Blacktion, as it appears old Craigsky has given up for the season. Let's make it particularly dirty this time, boys, since he went ahead and started an inactive Jonathan Dwyer. He could have gotten rid of one of his TWO GODDAMN defenses in favor of another RB, but no dice. Other signals include his retention of a stinky Domenik Hixon who has totaled 11.8 points in his last three games, and his probable despair at keeping 27.6 points of Russell Wilson on his bench this week.

On the other side of the coin, the Elder Olsen and the Dildo Dandies survived almost wholly on excellent performances from Brandon Marshall (39.2 points), Peyton Manning (25.4 points) and believe it or not the Chargers D/ST (26 points). Eli, Antonio Brown and Jermichael Finley combined for 8.5 points, while the rest of the team had average showings. Seriously, Eli. What the fuck happened??? The continued unpredictability of Chris Johnson (20.5 points this week) continues to confound the taint ticklers, and no coach can really envy Coach Olsen, Sr. for his ownership of said schizo.

Boners of the week: Dwyer (0 points), Eli (3 points), Finley (1.6 points) and Antonio Brown (3.9 points)


K-Town Bootleggers vs. Rochester Spinning Cosmos
             (142)                                 (153.9)

Despite a respectable showing from his whole team, as well as two of the hottest QBs in the NFL right now in Matt Ryan (14.5 points) and Josh Freeman (22.1 points), Coach Leiting and his Foot Fetishists lost the battle this week. Meanwhile, Coach Cozinson continues his unabated tirade of soul crushing, moving to 8-1. He managed to do this with his everyday TE, Vernon Davis, on bye, and an erratic Michael Vick (20.2 points) in the driver's seat. He did lose a major contributor this week -- killer RB Darren McFadden left his game with a high ankle sprain and 3.7 points. Who knows when he will return, but with Reggie Wayne (20.8 points) and Minnesota sweetheart Eric Decker (29.9 points) present to pick up the slack, Dan should be OK. What a dick.

Coach Leiting, however, has to make a move to qualify for the playoffs. At 4-5, with a stable of erratic players like C.J. Spiller (15.2 points), Calvin Johnson (19.9), Felix Jones (15.9) and Brian Hartline (18.7), his week-to-week decisions are high-risk, high-reward. And with a slumping Brandon Weeden (4.1) as his backup QB, it's time to start praying for the health of Ryan and Freeman.

Boner of the week: Falcons D/ST (3 points)


Madison Scrotum Smasher vs. Sandusky Disciples
                (116.9)                                 (174.9)

This is actual footage of Doug Martin training

I don't know what kind of Viagra Lou, Jr. has been taking, but he's on a tear of late. Last week he scored 182 damn points (and lost?!), and this week he's in the same ballpark with 174.9. Next up he has the hapless Affirmative Blacktion, which could be the mismatch of the century. This week, however, he was bolstered by a(n) historic 55-point performance from Doug Martin. With a solid day from the remainder of his squad, that was plenty to take care of poor Coach Tynoballs.

The Scrotes suffered disappointing output from Bradshaw (4.8), Pettigrew (2.1) and Jamaal Charles (9.6). Nobody else really came up with much outside the norm, and going against the streaking, boiling hot - dare I say FLAMING - Coach Lil' Lou, that's just not going to cut it.

Stud of the week: Doug Martin (55.2 points)
Boner of the week: Ahmad Bradshaw (4.8 points)


Lansing Clam Faces vs. Waukesha Claymakers
            (126.1)                            (125.5)

Wow...just....wow.  We have had some amazing games this season, but how can you tangle with a game decided by less than 1 point?  Drew Brees did just enough to will his team to victory, while the stars of this game were Andrew Luck (29.8 pts) for the Clams and Aaron Rodgers (34 pts) for the Clays.  

If I am Coach Blake, it is time for the Christian Ponder experiment to come to an end.  I never thought that Alex Smith would be a better option than any QB not wearing a Jets uniform...but to play an entire game and only throw for 63 yards AND a pick?  Rex Grossman is sitting at home right now laughing his fat head off.  You can literally look at this game and pinpoint one players performance for the outcome of this game, Christian Ponder.  Well, that and the Cardinals D/ST...in Lambeau against the Packers?  Fuckin' up Derr.  You consulting with Craig on coaching decisions?  

Truth is, while this was an amazing game at the end, everything leading up to it was painful.  You had 10 out of 20 players score in single digits, and 4 of those 10 scored 4 pts or less.  This game had major playoff implications, with the win the Wham Bam Thank You Clams move closer to clinching a post season berth, while the Pottery Barns move one step closer to being renamed in 2013.   

Boner of the Week: Chrsitian Ponder  (2.8 points) 


In honor of Christian Ponder single-handedly fucking over his team's hopes for playoff glory, here is a picture of his girlfriend...ok well it's not actually her, but this girl has the exact same name.  Gents, meet Samantha Steele a student at Michigan State University (go and find her Sweens, she is real).

 

Week 8 Re-Cap

article by Lou Olsen

Gentlemen...

It is with a heavy heart that I take over this weeks re-cap.  You may have noticed that there was no re-cap last week.  The reason for this, is that WWS Weekly contributor Murray passed away.  On Sunday morning, he woke up and was unable to move his legs.  After two days of eliminating possible reasons for this problem, the doctors ran out of possible treatments and he passed.  It was virtually impossible for me to think of anything other than my dog last week, and Schwimmer still can not bring himself to come into the office. 

Sorry to bring you down, but I consider you all my friends and I wanted you all to know that I was not sitting around taking bong rips...although that probably would have curbed some of the crushing pain. 

So, before we start, if I am a little more bitter and dickish than Schwimmer...deal with it, I am grieving. 


Lansing Clam Faces vs. K-Town Bootleggers
             132.8                           143.8

I can sum up this game in one name, Zuerlein.  What's that you say?  You have no idea who the fuck that is?  He is the Clam Faces kicker, and for all intensive purposes his 1 point was the biggest reason the Michigan Chowdas couldn't take down the BAC's.  The Sweensickle Kids need to get their shit together and fast.  But the truth is, who gives two shits about Sweeney's spiral into inevitable heroine addiction.  The real story here is Calvin Johnson.

What is wrong with Megatron?  Or, if you want to change his nickname to fit his play, Bonertron.  This week he scored 7.6 points, which by the math of this game, makes him 2 points better than Brandon Weeden.  Coach Brother-In-Law needs to figure out a way to motivate that African-American freak of nature.  What do black dudes like?  Watermelon, chicken, ugly white chicks, and strip clubs.  Or maybe all 4 at the same time.  But the truth is, without his mojo...Bonertron is nothing more than a handsome dude in an Acura commercial. 

Boner of the Week: Das Booter Zuerlein (1 pt)


Waukesha Claymakers vs. Madison Scrotum Smashers
              108.8                                         107.2

In a classic battle to NOT finish in last place, Coach Blakey Cakes rolled into Madtown to tangle with the reigning Champs.  This game really has to make you wonder if the 2012 edition of the Shorned Scrots have what it takes to repeat.  The Play-Doh Sculptors even gave Coach Tyson a free gift by starting a kicker on his bye week.  In the end, that horrible coaching decision made absolutely no difference.  Normally this is the part where I would bash Blake for his incompetence...but, good job...I guess.  

The bottom line is, the Champs live and die by their RB's.  Jamaal Charles and Ahmad Bradshaw combined for 9.8 points.  That type of performance is going to institute far more nut gnashing against you, than for you. 

And on the flip side, the Claymakers have won 3 straight games and seem to have figured things out.  It is hard to not associate his teams turnaround with the turnaround of Aaron Rodgers.   The question is, will it be too little too late? 

Boner of the Week: The fact that Denarius Moore was the leading scorer in this game with 20.6 pts. 


Rochester Spinning Cosmos vs. Kenosha Fightin' Dildos
                   127.4                                          98.4

Let's be real, there is no reason that either of these teams deserved to win this week.  Coach Cozine left Jordy Nelson in his starting roster, even though he was held out due to injury.  And my old man got single digit performance from 6 players on his roster, including -5 pts from his D/ST.  This game was ugly, pointless, and hopefully not one we will ever have to re-live.  

The Space Sandy's finally saw signs of life from 2nd round pick Eric Decker, as he threw down 20.3 points without falling down.  And on the other side of the field, Peyton Manning continues to be the hands down BEST keeper going into this season.  The 61 year old version of me, kept Manning on his IR all of last season and then decided to give up Welker, Jennings, and Jordy Nelson in order to keep  him...and I would have to say it has paid off.  Manning put up a third of the Dildos overall points (30.6).  

If you actually paid attention to this match up, may Honey Boo Boo have mercy on your soul...

Boner of the Week: Me, for having to actually write about this game   


Madison Banana Hammocks vs. Affirmative Blacktion
                 119.6                                          114

In an epic battle to be re-named next season, the Cock Cots traveled to...Whothefuckknows, Alaska to take on a team with only one win on the season.  Even though this should have been an easy victory, Davy Wagner and his satanic Mr. Pibb coach thought they would give the good people of Madison another reason to puke on Sunday. 

My favorite part of this game was watching Philip Rivers and Jay Cutler dook it out (that spelling is intentional).  It's hard to know who is worse, or who I want to kick in the dick more.  Both look like they could break into tears at any second, like pre-menopausal women watching "The Bridges of Madison County".  So, if you could take one thing from this game...Jay Cutler and Philip Rivers are fucking pussies.  It is no mystery why these are two of the worst teams in the league this season.

Boner of the Week: The Dynamic Vaginal Duo: Jay Cutler (7.8pts) and Philip Rivers (6.2pts) 

He would drink "Pickle Juice"...

Philadelphia Butt Pirates vs. Sandusky Disciples
               184.6                                   182.1

This was maybe the best game of the 2012 season.  Yes, I am a little biased, but look at this score!!!  Also keep in mind that you had 4 players score at least 35 points (Brady, Stafford, Martin, and Witten).  Only 4, out of a possible 20, score in single digits.  And this game came down to Darren Sproles on Sunday night.  Who fell just 2.5 points short.

I will spare you all of the details, but this game was a huge throbbing cock in a week of erectile dysfunction.  Even though I lost to King Ginger Balls, I would have beaten EVERY single one of you.  And if it wasn't for Jason Witten's 18 catches...18 FUCKING CATCHES!!!!!! FOR A TE!!!!  Is Tony Romo that shitty of a QB?     Romo only completed 36 passes...THAT IS FUCKING HALF!!!!

In a sign of good sportsmanship, Chuckles did reach out to me to apologize on behalf of Witten and his complete and total douche-baggery.  It is because of that, I am only pissed off at Jason "Inverted Penis" Witten.  Truth is, I am not that pissed off at all.  This was an awesome game and I am proud to have been a part of it.  The rest of you should be ashamed of yourselves for not being in this game.

Boner of the Week: Tony Romo for being a complete and total Fuck-head


This one is for me.  If you don't like it...tough taint skin.

 

Week 6 Recap

Hey Gang!

So, turns out that this was the week for under performance.  We had one team fail to reach the century mark, while another just snuck over.  Only 3 teams scored more than 150 points, which is WAY below the usual for this league.  It was either good defense, or a complete and total coincidence.  I was in a movie about this very topic once, be sure to watch The Pallbearer.  Streaming now on Netflix.  Also, they just added season 11 of F-R-I-E-N-D-S.  It was a good week to be David Schwimmer, and 5 other dudes.  Let's see who was lucky enough to feel the Schwimmer Winner Vibe.


Madison Banana Hammocks vs. Sandusky Disciples
                 (171.3)                                     (140.6)

Powered by monster weeks from Dez Bryant (34.5) and  sophomore A.J. Green (32.5), Coach Jones (aka Mr. Pibb of Hades), if that is his real name, surged past the Noodle Teasers this week. Despite his 2-4 record, Davy may have the best team in the East. Read: Peterson (19.9) and McGahee (13.8) have found the fountain of youth; Lloyd (14) and Nicks (7.4 in an off week) round out his WR corps; and his second-tier players are all paradoxically top-tier.

Artists Depiction of Coach Davy Jones Today

That's not to say that Olsen XIV isn't without his superstars as well. His gamble on RGIII is paying massive dividends (37.1), and Matt Stafford (23.1) is damn reliable. He also made massive waiver claims on Wednesday, picking up Janikowski, Kendall Wright, Jared Cook and [snrk] John Skelton. Most of those picks improve his team -- in theory. We'll have to see how he fares next week against Big Poppa Dildo next week.

Boners of the week: Mendy (2.7) and what was supposed to be a formidable Seahawks D/ST (0)


Waukesha Claymakers vs. Affirmative Blacktion
            (132)                                   (111.6)

Well, the Blacktion's struggles continue, as Coach Craiggles moves to 1-5 vs. a re-energized Waukesha team. Blake has expressed concerns about the performance of Aaron Rodgers, but aside from a couple of weeks in the teens, he's been outstanding. This week, he scored approximately a Bajillion touchdowns and racked up an eye-popping 51.2 points. Yowza. Unfortunately, the rest of his team still looks pretty lean. Perhaps some clever trading is in order?

The fantasy gods conspired against the poor Moyle of the Northlands, injecting two slumping pineriders with a dose of derring-do dong: Antonio Gates (26.1) previously averaged just over 5 points per game, and the erratic Russell Wilson managed 29.4, dwarfing Philip Rivers' (9.7) week 6 total. Tough break, Craiggles (why haven't we called you that before?).

Boner of the week: Philip Rivers and Alex Smith (2.5)
Stud of the week: Just guess.


Kenosha Fightin' Dildos vs. Madison Scrotum Smasher
               (100.6)                                (150.2)

Coach Nic "No K" Tyson may be experiencing somewhat of a renaissance here, with a strong showing this week. Sam Bradford (24) stepped up for him, and his WR/RB corps looks good, aside from its "Jamaal Charles Situation." With three weeks of 18+ points (and one of 40.8!) balancing out off-weeks of 8.7, 5.2 and now 6.7 points, he gives new meaning to the word "gamble." Add that uncertainty to the loss of Kevin Kolb (15.7) for several weeks with a rib injury, and the team does have holes in its armor.

I was pleased to see that Michael Turner put up a fart noise-worthy 4.9 points this week -- because fuck that guy. The Mannings (28.2, the elder; 13.5, the younger) continue to put up reliable numbers for the KFDs, but the Flaming Phallus...(es?) show major weakness at WR, with Cruz (17.8) the only reliable dingleberry on the dong. Time to make a move.

Boner of the week: Antonio Brown (6) with an uncharacteristic under-10 performance

No Joke, these are clam chowder Doritios...

Lansing Clam Faces vs. Rochester Spinning Cosmos
            (96)                                       (185.1)

I know what you are thinking, you are thinking "Hey Ross, that was a type-o, right?  You meant 1-96."  Alas fair readers, Coach Sweeney and company might as well of dropped trow, pitched steamy loaves on the sidelines, and lumped right back on the Greyhound bus back to Michigan. When your top offensive scorer only puts up a half a point more than your defense (Andre Johnson 15.5pts and Bucaneers D/ST 15pts), you should go to the grocery store...buy yourself a nice big cucumber and....well....use your imagination...around here we call it the "self-Sandy".   

Congratulations are in order, however.  The Clams are the first team in 2012 to not break 100 points in a game.  Their prize?  An autographed Nate Kaeding nude photo.  Actually it is not quite Nate Kaeding, it is a certain actor who may be trying to break into the porn business if they don't make Madagascar 4.  It is a naked picture of me...signed by Nate Kaeding...our wives are friends?  Sweeney, take my wiener picture!!  You earned it.  From now on, any team that does not score at least 100 points, gets a Lil' Schwimmy photo.

Coach Cozine was mixing Mai Tai's on the sideline as his team jammed out to a Mariachi band that only knows Bob Marley songs.  Never, in my 5 week career as a writer for this blog, have I seen such blatant disrespect for another team.  It was one thing to be making drinks on the field, but when a Swedish ladies beach volleyball team came out to play for the amusement of your team...while the game is still going on?!?!?!  And where the cut-off jean shorts necessary?  Your pasty legs forced Coach Quack Attack Jr. to apply sunscreen...which probably causes cancer, in people who are already that tan anyway.  Bad form Dan.  Giving another coach cancer, who do you think you are?  House M.D?  You and that fake American doctor are two dicks in a dongpod.  But you made it pretty clear that you did not give two bags of dicks how you made Sweenzy's team look.

"Did you guys fucking watch that?  All of it?  Hey Brian, great pep talk.  Oh, and those halftime adjustments...those are the type of things that separate the sub-par from the par.  You are so close to being mediocre, but you have to actually get the team to play EVERY week.  Who the fuck do you think you are, Rex Ryan?  I thought that since we only play once this season, you would have at least attempted to find actual football players.  Did you think that this week was replacement player week?  Because it was replacement R-E-F-S, not players.  Look on the bright side, you didn't break 100 points in a PPR league.  Oh, sorry that is not the bright side.  The bright side is...at least Tori Spelling isn't on TV anymore."

Boner of the Week: Brian Sweeney, he has the picture of a Jewish dong to prove it.   

Philadelphia Butt Pirates vs. K-Town Bootleggers
                (150.5)                               (107.4)

The Ginger Bread Coach continues to dominate his opponents after a shaky start to the 2012 campaign.  Winning his last 4 games, has launched him to the top of the division for the 3rd straight season.  I think we can all agree, Gingers have no souls and should be kept in camps, where we will force them to concentrate on very difficult questions about our existence on this earth.  We would call them...Concentration Camps!  Nope, never mind.  I just put together what was wrong with that suggestion.  No need to put Coach/Commissioner Kinzie into a...happy, fun, not genocidal camp.  Did I mention, he won this weekend?

The Booze Boots are as inconsistent as a southern christian girls period.  Week after week, Coach Lightning is peeing on that little white stick hoping for one line instead of two.  This week Brian Hartline was a super sperm (remember: in this analogy, baby = bad) with 0 pts.  Miles Austin also proved that he could successfully procreate, throwing up 5.1 points.  The amazing thing about the Footy Bourbon's, is their ability to abort...losing.  This week they needed Cialis, next week they will be porking fat girls left and right.  

Wes Welker continues to play like the white Wes Welker, putting up 29.8 points for Captain Red Pubes.  His First Mate Percy (Harvin), was also feeling saucy with 24.4 points.  It didn't even matter that Matt Schaub mushroom stamped his coach in the face with 5.3 points.  Thanks to the Kamikaze Kid's pathetic coaching, Chuck didn't even have to break a sweat.  

Boner of the Week: Brain Hartline might not even qualify since he did not register a single stat (0 points) 

You guys are terrible.  So you should not get any boobies this week...but I couldn't stand thinking about you being with out tattas for an entire week, so....

Week 5 Recap

GET A LOADA THIS FRIGGIN' GUY! Oh, I'm alone again.

Hoooo-lee Moses, pardners. What a week! We're starting to establish some league roles as we groove deeper into the season, here. Neat! Some hedgemonds, some underdogs -- IT'S ALL HAPPENING!! Did I mention I recently relapsed into the world of coke? Well I might have. IT'S FANTASTIC, BROS! I'M FRIGGIN' ROSS FROM FRIENDS! WHEEEEEE!

OK. I think I've gotten most of that out of my system. Let's go.

Rochester Spinning Cosmos vs. The Sandusky Disciples
                 (145.4)                                    (139.8)

In this week's closest match, Coach Danny Boy took Lil' Lou into the showers. It almost wasn't that way, though. It all came down to Monday night. Texans vs. Jets. Otherwise, who cares about that game, amirite? It's the Jagoff Fanbase Championship, but whatever.

Anyway, one could look at this narrow win in a number of ways. One could cite the hero of the Great White North's squad as Reggie Wayne (40.2!) or the Bears D/ST (28!). More likely, one would wonder just how in the hades Dan had a QB and two RBs combine for 15 points and still win. The answer is simple: RGIII. Going out with an injury early in the Redskins game, he only scored 4.3 points for the Tyke Ticklers. That turned out to be a problem, and now Horny Lou is 3-2 instead of 4-1.

Boner of the week: BenJarvus Green-Ellis (2.6). Woof.


Affirmative Blacktion vs. Madison Scrotum Smasher
              (115.6)                              (106.1)

In this week's toilet bowl, Craig used all of his juju and ended up with his first win of the season with 115.6 points. Jeez. With a craptastic day from Cam Newton (7.8) and Kevin Kolb (9.8) at QB, there wasn't much Tyno could do. This is despite the fact that Coach Craig benched 73.4 points. Among those were erratic Chargers Robert Meachem (21.7) and Malcom Floyd (15.8). It's hard to blame the Blackies, especially since they eked out a victory. Next week, however, he'll have fewer options, since Arizona RB Ryan Williams is out with an injury. Balls!

Boner of the week: How could it not be DeAngelo Williams, with -1.4 points. [vomits into boxers]


Philadelphia Butt Pirates vs. Madison Banana Hammocks
                  (153.5)                                     (143)

It was no surprise that the reigning Douche in Chief, Chuck, took it to the Bananas of Madtowne this week. It was, however, surprising that he did so with only 9.4 points to spare. Jay Cutler (23.9) had a manic, not depressive week for DJ Waggs, and T-Gon exploded for 31.3 points. That was no match for the Philly Hoodlums' big guns of Percy Harvin (31.6) and Wes Welker (29.4). How Chuck ended up with both of them, I'll choose to ignore. Honestly, though, it's a good thing Torrey Smith came back to earth because that shit (52.4 points the previous two games) was getting scary, combined with Chuck's Dildarino Duo of WRs.

Boner of the week: Brandon Lloyd (6.4) and MJD (6.9) for their shittiest production yet this year.


K-Town Bootleggers vs. Kenosha Fightin' Dildos
             (163.2)                             (187.1)

Holy friggin crap. Look at these Dildos. Is that an all-time scoring record? [holds imaginary paper up to light] Yes, yes it is. We'll go with that. Bolstered by fantastic weeks from Peyton (30.7) and Eli Manning (26.3), as well as Brandon Marshall (32.4!), Big Lou seems poised to destroy the entire East Division at 4-1. Nick was no slouch either, though, with Marques Colston (40.1), Trent Richardson (23.8) and even Brandon "Weendad" Weeden (19.8) chipping in. Nick will be a force himself in the West, but those Fightin' Dildos are on a roll.

Boner of the week: Fred Jackson (4.4)
Stud of the week: Marques Colston (40.1)


Lansing Clam Faces vs. Waukesha Claymakers
            (154.3)                        (143.2)

Despite a hearty effort by his WR corps (minus Mike Wallace [3.7]), Coach Babymaker fell to the clearly superior Clams team, from East of the Lake. Black Door did enjoy 31.4 points from his butt buddy, Aaron Rodgers, however, so good for him. Interestingly, all three of his QBs did well, with mortal enemy of all Packers fans, Christian Ponder, scoring 21.4 and Alex Smith dumbfounding the fantasy world with 35. WTF? Anyway, Blake falls to 0-5, and he'll probably stop setting lineups any day now. Let's start thinking of a punishment now, eh?

Boners of the week: Andre Johnson (2.5) and Mike Wallace (3.7)


I leave you with this. It's Blake Derr, according to Google Image Search:

Ladies and gentlemen: Blake Derr (alternate caption: "Hey, ladies...")

Week 4 Recap

Why hello. I didn't see you there. I'm running out of steam since I wrote the articles first, but I did just come up with this little gem -- Here is the first picture that comes up when you Google image search Madison Banana Hammocks:

This is the native size of the image. Watch for flying hooks out there, Craig!

They say a picture is worth a thousand words. This one is worth at least an intro, AMIRITE? Onward!


Lansing Clam Faces vs. Kenosha Fightin' Dildos
              (151.4)                          (174)
Predicted to be our week's closest matchup, it lived up to the hype -- until Monday night. With the lead deep into the second quarter, Coach Sweenballz was crushed when the Bears' very own fightin' dildo, Brandon Marshall, broke through his 151.4 tallies, on the way to a stellar 26.8-point night. Coach Oldsen thus survived a diarrhea bomb by RB Andre Brown (2.8) and the Cowboys' D/ST (2). Not to help was the Clam Daddies' Giants D/ST (NEGATIVE 1. NEGATIVE.), and paper tiger one-catch wonder, Jeremy Maclin (1.7). What a great trade that was, Coach Sweeney (Jay Cutler [21] and Willis McGahee [25.5] to Davy, Ryan Mathews [10.2] and Maclin [1.7] to loser). Yeesh. Anybody wants Maclin talk to the Clams. He'll likely let the lame Eagle go for a song.

Boners of the week: Jeremy Maclin (1.7) and Giants D/ST (-1)


Madison Scrotum Smasher vs. Madison Banana Hammocks
                 (161.5)                                    (141.1)
In week one of the two-week COLOSSAL GEOGRAPHICAL FANTASTICAL CROSS-TOWN RIVALRY SHOWDOWN series (next week is Kenosha -- or K-town if you associate with that city's seedy underbelly), Scroti eclipsed Bananas, sending Coach Davy to a demoralizing 1-3 record. But maybe he deserved it. Read: in the WR2/flex slot, the good coach started an injured Hakeem Nicks (0) over a perfectly capable Dez Bryant (20.5) and Willis McGahee (25.5). Granted, they combined for 17.4 points last week, but Nicks was injured even then, with no signs of playing in week 4. Honestly, though, McGahee was a longshot start, especially since fellow bench-blumpkin Bush scored a solid 15.3 last week, which might have led to a start in this matchup.

Anyway, Carson Palmer (8.1) also left Davy twisting in the wind. The good news, however, is that pretty much every other player put up solid numbers for the Schlong Slings. It was a pretty tough week against the Tynocerous, still. With two players posting 35+, he had a good week.  Blamzo.

Player of the week: 49ers D/ST (27)
Boner of the week: Davy for playing a guaranteed goose-egg in Hakeem Nicks

Sandusky Disciples vs. K-Town Bootleggers
            (106)                          (153.5)
This match ended up showcasing two coaches who made all (well, almost all) the right decisions, since their benches put up almost no numbers. The exception was Louis the Younger's TE slot. He got skunked by Dennis Pitta, while Jermaine Gresham put up a decent 9.7 points. That would not have been enough, however, as the K-Town Dirtbags had amazing days from Matt Ryan (30.8), Marques Colston (30.3) and Trent Richardson (20.4 -- wait, what? Marques Colston had 30 points?!?!!). That was more than enough to break the first-place tie of West Division 3-1 teams. These two teams. That wasn't clear. Sorry about that.

Boner of the week: Dennis Pitta. Fucking Dennis Pitta.


Waukesha Claymakers vs. Philadelphia Butt Pirates
                (151.3)                             (176.1)
Blake never had much of a chance going into this one. Poor bastard sinks to 0-4 with this loss, and El Carlos outscored everybody in the damn league. He was propelled by Tom Brady (38), the Texans' D/ST (23?!) and all but one feature position scored in the high teens. The Milwaukee Ginger made all the right moves, roster-wise, though, so I guess you can't fault the new dad (Congrats, Blake. We'll connect one of these times). On that ghey note, there's this:

Boner of the week: Alex Smith (6.9)


Rochester Spinning Cosmos vs. Affirmative Blacktion
                 (148.1)                                (132.8)
The closest match of the week resulted in yet another sad 0-4 situation with Coach Alaskaballs finding himself in a big hole to start the season. Credit him, however, with loyalty for starting Wisconsin alumnustud Russell Wilson (1.8) at QB. Again, no roster moves would have saved the Blacktion, so kudos there. Praise Allah that Dan didn't play Romo (8.5 points; of the QB consortium Dogstab and the Homos).

As such, the team with the name that is clever to some and incredibly dumb to others, the Spinning Cosmos ran away with a lucky victory this week. That is to say, 148.1 points isn't all that many, and against other opponents, he could have found himself 2-2 rather than 3-1. But that's the American way, and (shudder) the Spinning Cosmos assume first place in the West.

Boner of the week: Darren McFadden (4.8 and I can't bring myself to make Wilson a boner)

FOOTBALL SKANK!

Now That's What I Call Skanky! Volume 27!