Wally Picks a Winner: Week 5

article by: Lou Olsen

     I know that I missed the first four weeks guys, but I need you to cut me a little slack right now.  With the Brewers in the playoffs, my time away from my day job and baseball is minimal.  I promise that once the baseball season is over, this blog will become the literary masterpiece you have come to expect.

     Let me tell you something, Wally loves this game.  In fact, I do not think that there is anything in my life that I enjoy as much as this dog likes to pick the winners.  So, here is what the dog came up with for this weeks match-ups. 


Wally's Picks


1)  Bootleggers    vs    Hershey Squirts

Wally Picks:  Chocolate Turds

All of this picking has made him sleepy...go away now.

2)  Butt Pirates    vs    Banana Hammocks

Wally Picks:  Captain Ass Sparrow


3)  Blacktion    vs    Scrotum Smashers

Wally Picks:  The Black Guys


4)  Jizz Bolts    vs    Tree Humpers

Wally Picks:  Shrub Thumpers


5)  Claymakers    vs    Clam Faces

Wally Picks:  Mike Tyson's Punch-Out

Week 4 Re-Cap: What a mess...

article by: John Travolta

Travolta fever, indeed

Well, well, well. You big boners can't seem to do anything right. All of the home teams lost, which is complete nonsense. Can someone explain to me how we have an entire division with the exact same record? Anyone? This makes less sense than Scientology. The only difference between Scientology and this league, is that I can believe Scientology!! Those of you belonging to the West division, make me want to puke on dog shit and watch a herpes infected hooker eat it. Your teams are soooo mediocre that you make the people of Switzerland are laughing at you. What does the East division have that you don't? And I do not want to hear anyone say the obvious answer which is a black team. Racist bastards.

On the bright side, there were no blowouts this week. All of the games were relatively close in score and I like that. There is one other thing that pissed me off this weekend though. Dan Cozine appears to have fired his Malaysian sex slave as head coach. In a surprise move, Cozine appears to have decided to be involved in the league this year after-all. The announcement was made...fuck it, who cares. He did say that we would retain the Malaysian as a "special assistant to the head coach." Now, I have not read the job description, but I assume that most of the responsibilities revolve around the "head" coach Cozine keeps in his pants. With this sudden change of heart comes a sudden change of name (no pun intended). The Rochester Jizz Bolts have been pulled from the dusty, mothball-infested boxes of the past to strike fear into....gay men's anuses everywhere. Congrats, Dan, on continuing to be the #1 asshole in this league. Keep up the bad work.

We are still waiting to hear if Commissioner Kinzie will force Blake Derr to forfeit his win last weekend against the Banana Hammocks. A vote is currently underway and things do not look good. Rules are rules. There have been constant reminders from the league web page to the very pages of this blog. Excuses are about as useful as Dan Cozine offering to draft your fantasy football team. Sorry, Blake. Pay your bills, son, or at least have the wifey do it for you.

Week 4 Re-Cap

Clams vs Squirts
  149        112.8

My heart goes out to the Hershey Squirts. First they lost Peyton Manning before the season even started, then this week Chad Henne completes 3 of his first 4 passes before getting sidelined with a shoulder injury. Times are tough in Kenosha. Meanwhile, the Clams are reveling in their dominant performance from their defense, who scored a nut numbing 3 TD's to rack up 32 points. Aside from that, the biggest difference was in the flex position. Coach Sween opted to go with Darren Sproles who rose to the occasion. While Big Coach Olsen went with newly acquired Tim Hightower, who went limp at the sight of the Clams defense for the second week in a row. Boner of the week: Chad Henne. Way to get injured in the first quarter, dummy.

After the game I caught up with Coach Sweeney about his big win:

Nothing makes me happier than getting a W at Brian Sweeney's Tiny Penis Field. This is a tough place to play, especially for me. I probably never should have named our stadium after Big Lou Olsen. It was meant to be a shrine to his memory, instead it just pissed him off. That team will get a chance to come to our place in a few weeks and hopefully we can thwart them again with our giant penises. Great job by our defense, can't wait to congratulate those guys in the shower.

Jizz Bolts vs Blacktion
  141.6            134.9

This was the closest game of the week, but not quite game of the week material...mostly because of my

hatred for Coach Cozine. His team won. Black guys lost. It must really burn Coach Moylan's ass that his deficit for the week was only 6.7 points, especially considering that LaDanian Tomlinson brought in only 1.1 points. Had he not gotten greedy (LT had 26 last week, but was inconsistent) and played the steadier Felix Jones (RB, Dallas), he would have won by 6. Boner of the week: LaDanian Tomlinson

Here is what Cozine had to say after the game to a squirrel:

Are you heading this press conference little guy? Would you like a Froot Loop? I have some in a baggy in my pocket. Will you be my friend? (holds cereal out for squirrel and it bites him) Damn it. I knew I should have drafted instead of going to the beach......

Treebangers vs. Bootlickers

      167.8                 155.3

What a stinker of a week for these quarterbacks. All four (four!) of them combined for less than 25 points. Let's ignore these ass-clowns entire for this analysis, shall we? Focus on the positive. That's what my anger therapist says. So, pretty much everybody else on both teams scored in the double digits, including the defenses. I realize that being in a PPR league increases scores, but this is ridiculous. Keep an eye on both of these sonsa bitches this year because their 2-2 records are deceivingly low. Boners of the week, because we can't always stay positive: Jay Cutler, Ryan Fitzpatrick, Sam Bradford and Joe Flacco

We spoke with Coach Olsen after the game:

Yes, darling. Another dirty. This time with some goddamn vermouth, please?? Oh, sorry, John. The help around here [puffs cigar], sheesh. Well, I'm just going to sit back and watch the points roll in from here. I've kicked that piece of trash Danny Woodhead to the curb, and signed Tavaris Jackson, so essentially everyone on my team is averaging more than 10 points per week. It's going to be another great season here in Seattle [adjusts monocle, gives waitress $100 bill and a room key].

 NUTS vs. DONG

  137.6       121.4

The storied battle of nuts vs. dong is finally complete. As it turns out, nuts beat dong, which was a total surprise to me. Cam Newton continues his campaign of shock and awe, raining down points on (almost) every contender. This week he had a scrotum-smashing 34.5. Romo didn't look bad for the Hammocks, but Sanchez scored -2.9, which is absolutely shoot-him-behind-the-barn-worthy. Other than that, Davy's team looks fairly solid, and once some early-season jitters smooth out, he will be a tough opponent. Example: Beanie Wells laid a goose egg last week, prompting Davy to bench him for this week's 31.8-point showing. With more data, oversights like this probably won't occur, so watch out later in the season. Coach Tyson has a big hole at RB, especially with Mendenhall, his top RB with 8.5 (yecch), potentially out with a hamstring injury. He did pick up Redman, Mendenhall's backup, but it remains to be seen whether he can carry the load for a struggling Pittsburgh offense. Boner of the week: Mark Sanchez

Tyson had this to say after the game:

I am so glad I jumped on Redman. I mean, I literally jumped on him and jammed my thumbs into his sternum until he had no choice but to join the team. This tactic has worked wonders for me in the past, but I have been burned once or twice. I mean, literally, Blake lit my armpit hair on fire. Thankfully, Redman isn't as crafty or stupid.

Clayfakers vs. Butt Buccaneers

      175                     163.2

This week showed a solid outing from both teams, in the highest-scoring game of the week. Tom Brady and Matt Stafford did well for Coach Kinzie, but Aaron Rodgers is insane. He put up 53.9 points all by himself. What an asshole. Both of these teams are forces of nature, but the Claymakers are definitely not playing the rope-a-dope, waiting for opponents to tire. The team is kicking ass from here on out, mark my words. Don't let the 2-2 record lull you into complacency. In addition, I'm sure the Butt Pirates have some degree of ass-burn, having scored the third-most points this week and still losing. Boner of the week: Nobody

Coach Kinzie's live-in girlfriend Natalie had this to say after the game:

Oh my God. I'm so scared. He's destroyed the entire house. Now I know why they call him the Master of Disaster. Please let him win this week so I can begin rebuilding.

And that's that. This is a scary league to be in, folks. Here's a picture of the scariest guy in the league's girlfriend.

Destiny Newton. Destiny Newton-Rodgers?

Week 3 Chit-Chat

article by:  John Travolta

     This weekend was so exciting, I had to have my teets milked.  True story, busted out the old titty milker and went to town on my man boobs.  Let me tell you, it was well worth it.  Now there remains only one undefeated team, that being those pesky Butt-Pirates from Philadelphia.  The Kenosha Bootleggers suffered their first defeat at the big strong hands of Coach Craig and his army of Black ASS-asins.  This weekend also turned this league into a league full of losers, only 4 teams have winning records through the first 3 weeks. 
  
     My personal favorite part of this weekend, was picking my Boner of the Week...for every single game.  This week was chucked full of boners.  From defenses getting blown away, to a certain WR scoring 50+ points...on the bench.  The only boner not to be included in this discussion, is the one that is now perpetually thrust into coach Dan Cozine's mouth.  Not only by his fans, but by the media, and his Malaysian sex slave/Head Coach.  Realistic scores usually mean that someone on each roster, was sporting wood.  That being the case, rather than the usual awards, I will be awarding a boner of the week award to each of the 5 games played.  Wear those boners with pride going into week 4 gentlemen.  

     On a side/business note.  Not a one of you volunteered to be the first interview for this season.  May L.Ron have mercy on your thetan.  That being said, this seasons newest interview expert..........Tim Couch, issued this statement. 

You all thought Leaf was a dick, well guess what you limp dicked fox fuckers?  He was, I am a much nicer guy and twice as intelligent.  Sorry about the fox fucker stuff, but I needed y'all to know that I mean business.  Look forward to talking with each and every one of you over the course of the season. 

Obviously Tim Couch is no Ryan Leaf, but we should accept him.  Again, if you want to get in line for an interview lou.c.olsen@gmail.com  is the address to send your interest too.  So fucking do it already. 


Week 3 Re-Cap

Nut Swings    vs    Ali's Fist
     109.9                   119

I am starting with this game because the outcome may not matter.  Based on an anonymous tip from Charles Kinzie...whoops.  The word on the street is that the Claymakers may not have sent payment to the Commissioners office in time, and therefore would forfeit their first W of the season.  Look, I posted it on the blog and Chuck plastered it all over the league home page.  If this goes down as an L for the Claymakers, then they have no one to blame but head coach Blake Derr.  To lose to a Madison team by forfeit is a new low.  Now, remember that this is all speculation and has not been confirmed by the Commish's office.  However, it is highly reported amongst the WWSR press outlets...me.  I was able to catch up with captain Banana Hammock himself, Coach Davy, after the game.  Boner of the Week:  Blake Derr

I mean, I probably should have known that Beanie Wells wasn't gonna play.  That was my bad, but to be honest I hope Blake didn't pay his dues.  My mother had a saying, 'never look a gay horse in the mouth'.  So, if things shake out to a win for my team, I will run until my legs spontaneously combust.  I will make Forrest Gump look like he was running in the Special Olympics, I will run so fucking far!!  I love acid!!!!!!   

Butt Chocolates    vs    Butt Chocolate Swashbucklers
       102.7                                  125.5

This game could have gone so  many different ways.  If legendary father, Lou Olsen, would have played Wes Welker he would have banished the Butt-Pirates to their favorite place...somewhere deep, dark, and kind of stinky.  But, Olsen decided to go with legendary under-producer Deion Branch.  Meanwhile, the Fannito-Bandito's continue to ride the wave of power that is Tom Brady and Matt Stafford.  Thanks to Wes Welker not playing, Chuck-it-to-me has placed himself in the undefeated circle alone.  Only three weeks in and the Butt-Pirates appear to be destined for playoff glory-hole.  Brady is currently on pace to score well over 500 fantasy points this season and is on his way to being the best fantasy pick of this years draft.  After the game I spoke with Coach Kinzie about something not related to butt-piracy: Boner of the Week: Deion Branch

Listen Travolta, I have had enough of your shit.  I already heard that you leaked the PRIVATE information I gave you about coach Derr.  That was supposed to be on the down low!!  You pinky swore man...does a pinky swear mean nothing to you.  You know what, I think at the end of this season I am going to fire your ass.  You are the worst reporter this staff has ever had.  That's right, you are worse than Leaf and Olsen put together and you will NEVER be as good as Wally.  Now get out of my face before I write a script for Grease 3 and force you to perform it as a one man show.  Lord knows you need the money.

Nut-Sack Slashers    vs    Big Flaming Homo Team
          143.6                                     100.8

Nic Tyson and I have had our differences in the past, but I was very excited to see him get his first victory of the season.  My cock was even harder when I saw that he was playing against the Phantom of Fantasy Football, Dan Cozine.  Who once again chose to send a small Malaysian dressed in leather and chains to coach his team, and once again...it showed.  Darren McFadden accounted for 1/3 of Cozine's entire point total.  On the other side of the field, every member of Tyson's team got involved in the scoring en route to his first victory of the new season.  The dynamic duo of Greg Jennings and Calvin Johnson, continues to prove that they can win games for you all by themselves.  After the game, I had a brief interview with Coach Tyson:

Me:  Hey Tyson?  Did you know that Coach Cozine had his dues paid by his wife?

Tyson:  That can't be true.
Me:  No, seriously.  The Commish told me that when he got the check it was signed by Mrs. Cozine.
Tyson:  That is awfully gay, but why are you telling me this?
Me:  I want us to be friends.
Tyson:  No deal.  I've been hurt by you too many times before  (sprints to the locker room)

Oh and this:  Boner of the Week:  Cozine's Malaysian Sex Slave...literally


Booze Hounds    vs    Lights, Camera, Blacktion
        163.5                                   173.1

This game would have been game of the week, butt he score was not quite close enough.  What this game did have, the two highest point outputs of the week.  The win for Blaxploitation pushes their record to 2-1, while the loss for the Gin and Tonics dropped them to 2-1.  Place your bets now, one of these two teams will be winning the West this season.  Do yourself a favor go look at the box score of this game.  It is absolutely stunning.  Nothing quite like watching two large, strong, sexy men teams going at it.  It was hard to do , but... Boner of the Week:  Patriots D/ST 

After the game I approached both coaches, but the Black team prison raped me and the alcoholic team poured booze into a funnel which was connected to my....ass...don't touch my...


Game of the Week

Fern Fuckers    vs    Fuzzy Clams
      147.6                        150.3

This contest really came down to one player, Tim Hightower.  Now, there are two things we know about Coach Olsen Jr., he does not like losing and he takes his tea in the east wing.  So, when Hightower failed to score the remaining 2.7 points the team needed, he was immediately traded.  Coach Sweeney had to feel good, knowing that Hightower was nothing more than a busted ass, used 1989 Ford Taurus.  With the victory, the Clams keep pace with the Butt-Pirates in the East.  Whilst the reigning champs join the other 5 members of the 1-2 club.  Boner of the Week:  Jets D/ST   After the game we were fortunate enough to talk with both coaches.  I asked them each the same question:  How now, brown cow?

Sweeney: I will take your nonsense as a compliment.  We played well today.  It is always a nice feather in your giant cap to take down the champs, but we have a lot of work to do...foreplay mostly.  Time to get ready for some cocoa turds.

Olsen:  There is something very wrong with you.  I traded Hightower about 5 seconds after the game.  Don't need guys who can't finish.  You can't keep stroking a guy over and over again and get no results.  He's Dad's problem now.  Good luck getting any magic juice out of that guy. 


Well, we had another exciting week.  As is tradition, below you will find a picture of WWSW's newest reporters wife.  Tim Couch may have been a horrible football players, but women really only care about the money.  Enjoy the titties you queers. 

Week 2 in Review

article by John Travolta

     Boy, this week was pretty much the exact opposite of last week.  Last week we had some close games, one 7 point game and even a 1.3 point game (Week1 Game of the Week).  But this week was blow-out after pathetic blow-out.  We had one team lose by just shy of 100 POINTS!!!!  Are you shitting me?  100 points seperated winner from loser.  This week was awful, so because of that there is no game of the week this week.  Maybe if you guys would play better we would not have this problem.  So don't come crying to me, you did this...not me. You guys were worse than "From Paris with Love".   

     Before we dive into the games, some quick business to attend to.  For the love of  L.Ron pay your damn dues.  No one wants to have a game taken away from them because they are too lazy to pay $25 and put a stamp on an envelope.  Please, pay your dues, otherwise Chuck won't stop bitching about it.  Also, if you have any interest in doing the first interview with this years special guest, send Lou Olsen an e-mail at lou.c.olsen@gmail.com.  First come, first serve.  The first person always has the best interview.  After that it will be on a volunteer basis, accept for Tyson who has agreed to consider doing an interview this year.  Way to be the bigger man Nic.  Two trades going down this week, Butt-Pirates and Booze-hounds struck a deal swapping QB's and WR's and earlier this afternoon the Humpers and Scrot Smashers completed a QB and RB swap. 

Week 2 Wrap-Up

Bootleggers    vs    Scrotum Smashers
      211.6                         112.5

Why start with this one?  Because it was the worst game of the week.  Here is something very telling,  our alcoholic friends worst output from a non K or D/ST position was 15 points.  Meanwhile, the Ballbag Beaters best player non K or D/ST, put up 19 points.  The expansion Bootleggers are off to a stunning 2-0 start , while the Madison boys are getting those shit stains all over the bed early.  It's hard to watch a team get throttled like that, especially when you know that the team getting throttled is trying really hard to not get throttled.  Then with so much throttling, it turns sexy and a little awkward.  This game was 0% sexy and 100% awkward.  Whose scrotum was really smashed here?  P.S- I am not sure, but I feel like 211 is the league record for points.  I will have to do some research, either way Bravo on an amazing performance this weekend Coach Leting.  Neither coach had any interest in talking to me, so here is a quote from Damon Wayans:

From now on, my little group of shaved scrotum sacks, you will walk like me, talk like me, and until you win some games, you will be bald like me.

Butt-Pirates    vs    Clam Faces
     160.9                      111.5

This probably could have been the game of the week, but these two spend more time talking then they do actually playing.  The Butt-Pirates were not intimidated by the countless beards in the crowd at Tractor Trailer Stadium.  Of course it was free beard night, but Kinzie never even flinched at the sea of homeless fans.  Tom Brady and Matthew Stafford combined to be the Co-Players of the Week, falling just shy of 70 points between them.  Coach Sweens has to figure out a way to get his WR's into the game and out of the strip clubs.  One of the most ferocious rivalries in this league, turned out to be nothing more than a post-intercourse poop for coach Kinzie and company.  The Wham Bam thank you Clams will have a tough test next week when the reigning champs come to D.C.  After the game we spoke to coach Kinzie about the victory:

When I built this team with my own two hands, I knew that my sole purpose was to destroy Sweeney and everything that he stood for.  Today was a good indicator that I may have succeeded in that goal.  To all of you furry clam lovers, how did it feel to be the 2nd gayest group of people on the football field.  I COACH WITH A GLITTER PEN!!! Stop booing me, this is John Travolta damn it!! Security!  So much hatred here, I can't take it.  Someone get me an Apple-tini...stat!!!

Hershey Squirts    vs    Banana Hammocks

       127.9                               190.7

Earlier in the week this was my lock of the week.  I did not think that the Dong Danglers had a chance against the Choco-Sharts.  But, thanks to the MVP of the Week, Miles Austin (41.1 pts), the Hammocks were able to pull away with this one.  The Squirts seem to have some things going, but Chris Johnson is still not carrying the load that he is used too...you heard me.  Meanwhile, the Hammocks have to be concerned about the health of Tony Romo, who loves playing for coach Davy so much that he had broken ribs, a punctured lung, severe pneumonia, a dislocated spine, 7 broken fingers, and we have initial reports that he may have contracted AND cured AIDS this week.  No telling if he will be able to play next week.  We talked with Coach Davy about his first victory since beating Tyson a bunch of times last season:

It feels really good to beat a team that does not have the word 'Madison' in front of it.  Tony Romo was my hero today.  I was also glad to see that Adrian Peterson had not contracted football syphilis from Donavan McNabb.  I can tell you one thing, the Squirts are much better than they were last season  (puts hand over microphone).  Never mind, I retract my previous statement and replace it with, the Squirts are not bad.

You heard it here first "The Squirts...are not bad"

 
Blacktion    vs    Tree Humpers
   148.6                     92.4

This game was a head scratcher.  The Champs got blown out of their own stadium by a bunch of black guys wearing all black jerseys and helmets.  It was like watching the night take over the day.  Let's waste no time in crowning, Boner of the Week - Matt Cassell who threw for a nut crunching -2.7 points.  Really the Humpers overall deserve this award.  The team looked like they had better places to be, like plating and sexing trees.  Let's not take anything away from the Dark Knights, aside from Felix Jones they look like a team ready to take the next step (whatever that means in fantasy football).  In order to celebrate their victory, the robbed three Seattle banks and put 7 strippers through college.  one thing is for sure, no team celebrates a victory like those Blackies.  Here are some victory words from Coach Craig:

Dominance...boner inducing...classy...awe-inspiring...breathtaking...shocking...terrifyingly wonderful...prostate exam...prostitutes...Charlie Sheen

Man-Handlers    vs    Claymakers
     199                             153.3

Well, at least it was nice to see that coach Cozine took my advice, did the right thing and named his team after the real head of that team.  The newly named man-handlers had no problem handling or making clay this weekend.  Although this was the "closest" game of the weekend.  It still did not merit being the game of the week.  However, this game did have the MVP of the Week, Jeremy Maclin who racked up an astonishing 42.2 points.  Which almost makes up the entire deficit for this game, but not quite.  Even if it were not for Mr. Maclin, this game was destined to send last year's silver medalist reaching for answers.  If a team like the Claymakers can be beaten by a team that is run by a half-man, half-ape Malaysian sex slave, then who won't be able to withstand the Claymakers?  Since i could not find Cozine or Blake after the game I went for the Malaysian Man-handler:

Misser....Dan.......hea......rike.......to.......maka......me.......foosbarr........coke.  Soma time....he...leta.....me.....massage....a....hiis......taint.......I.....do....no.....mind....da.....taint.  He ....keep....it.....nice......an....crean.  Him...say....it...make....me....betta......foosbarr.....coke...tha ...taint.....I ...mean

Well, that's it for your old pal John Travolta.  I guess I will go home and have some sex.  Although, I was invited to a Malaysian Man-Handler after party....NO!!!  That time in my life is over-ish.  Anyway, here is something hot from the realm of football.  This is the hottest picture I could find in the Lingerie Football League.  Until next time, stay classy you slut socks. 

   

Fuck My Life, by Nate Kaeding

article by: Nate Kaeding

Kaeding sad

Kickers are not always the most revered or respected players on the team.  Fine.  I get that.  We wear special shoes, only play a handful of downs and can't tackle for shit.  We aren't the strongest or fastest players on the team.  You never see kids wearing a Gramatica or Longwell jersey.  It's a tough role to fill, but someone's gotta do it.  Am I right?

Then one bright Sunday morning, I thought all of that was going to change.  I was just sitting there, minding my own business, watching all the cool players get drafted, and BLAMMO!  I hear my number called.  I had to pinch myself to make sure I wasn't dreaming.  But it was no dream - I was being drafted by the Rochester Rainbows as the starting kicker!

Oh God, I was on cloud nine.  I felt wanted.  I felt useful.  For the first time in my life, I didn't hate what I had done or where my life had ended up.  My head was all a-tizzy with grandiose dreams of championships and Ryan Leaf commemorative trophies.  As I walked up to that podium to shake Coach Cozine's hand and accept my jersey, I was solid gold, baby.  Nothing was gonna stop this freight train!

Fast forward a week to the opening game of the season.  We were playing the new kid on the block, Coach Leiting, and his formidable Bootleggers.  Electricity was in the air, excitement was coursing through my body, and that moment approached: opening kickoff!  Here I was, a member of this team, wanted by the players and the coaching staff (Coach Cozine has hired some Malaysian guy to help out; they're pretty close), and I was the one who got to touch the football first.  I had a fever, and the only prescription was more pigskin!

Riding the dump truck

I approached the ball, made contact, and...  WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?  I tore my fucking ACL?  Are you kidding me?  That shit is for the running backs and wide receivers.  The guys who are actually running and jumping and getting tackled.  I run maybe 100 yards total during a game, and yet in my first 10 I'm already God-damned Gimp McGee.  What a fucking failure.  I mean, failure of epic fucking proportions.  Coach put all his eggs in one fucking basket - didn't draft another kicker, put all his faith in me to carry the team - and BOOM, just like that I've let down the only person who has ever cared about me.  Ever.

To make things worse, the Rainbows went out and got David Akers as my replacement.  Are you serious?  I hate that phag.  What a Class A douchebag.  Holy shit, Akers is such a dick.  And, to put the fucking icing on the cake, the team up and changes its name on me.  It's like the name "Rainbows" was somehow tainted by my having been a part of it.

So anyway, here I am, jobless, penniless, friendless... worthless.  I sit around my house in sweatpants eating bricks of cheese and sticks of butter.  I don't even have the energy to get up and go the bathroom.  I'm wasting away in a puddle of urine and feces, contemplating the sweet escape that the Smith & Wesson under my pillow could bring me.  Fuck my life, bro.  Fuck it in the ass.  Hard.

Fuck. My. Life.

Week 1 Round-Up

article by: John Travolta

    
     Oh my God!!  I like, can't believe we're back already.  I am such a pig for fantasy football season and I can't help but shovel it into my face all day on Sunday.  I feel like it was just yesterday that I was poking fun at Tyson for sucking big green donkey dick.  Good news Tyson, this season there is another individual who shall remain named, Dan Cozine.  First let me do my own little re-cap of the off-season.

     Ol' Commish Kinzie wasted no time in announcing an expansion of the league.  Blake's corpse wasn't even cold from his Championship loss when Chuck announced that two new teams would be joining the league.  One of the coaches was a familiar face and Kenosha legend, Big Lou "The Tractor Trailer" Olsen.  The second head coach was another member of the Olsen family tree, Nick Leiting, brother-in-law to current chump champ Lou Olsen of the Seattle Tree Humpers.  Not only would the expansion provide more competition, it would help to avoid 3 game series' in the losers bracket (i.e. last years shit show in Madison).  Now the problem was, 50% of the league was located in the state of Wisconsin.  The two turds of Madison, the newly named Claymakers in Waukesha, and two teams in Kenosha...were it all started.  Clearly Kinzie was pleased with himself, so he made another questionable decision.
    
     After months of debate, Kinzie struck the "Keeper" system and decided to draft from scratch.  This was met with some moderate uproars, but mostly it was met with flying feces.  Winning teams from a year ago hated the idea, and the city of Madison rejoiced.  After the crap settled and was cleaned by my Puerto Rican cleaning lady, the draft was upon us.  Aaron Rodgers was the first pick overall, which signaled to everyone watching that day, this was going to be a very different draft.  Fantasy superstars like Arian Foster and Chris Johnson fell out of the top 5.  But then the true surprise was sprung.

     Coach Dan Cozine, of the Rochester Rainbows, decided that spending time on the beach was more important than drafting a team.  Instead he allowed a brain dead Malaysian illegal immigrant to pick his team.  As the draft went on, no one heard so much as a word from Cozine.  That was until the 12th round.  All of a sudden Dan drops in from the roof and lands at the podium to announce that he is picking Chargers kicker Nate Kaeding.  Then, as quickly as he came, he rolled off of us and went back to sleep.  Now what really ties this all together is that on the opening play of the Chargers season, Kaeding blew out a knee, thus ending his season.  So guess what, this season, Cozine is my bitch.  Congratulations Tyson, you can actually enjoy the blog this year. 

     Ok, enough of that let's talk football.  This year since we will have 5 games each week, we will re-cap 4 games and have a game of the week.  The game of the week will be a little more in depth, but just as awesome. 

Week 1 Re-Cap

Butt-Pirates    vs    Affirmative Blacktion
     175.8                          130.4

This game was never going to be close.  You would think that a bunch of Fanny-Bandits would be afraid to wander into a mostly black stadium to do battle, but not this week.  This game had my WildCard of the Week: RB Mike Tolbert  (36.3 pts) my Boner of the Week:  Steelers D/ST (-3) and Player of the Week: QB Tom Brady (43 pts).  The Blackies really needed Matt Ryan to play less like Ryan Leaf and more like...well pretty much anyone else.  The Ass-Buccos had three players score over 25 points this week and that made all of the difference.  The Big Black's never had a chance, here is what their coach had to say after the game:

It's week 1.  We need to find our identity, or at the very least steal someone else's.   

Tree Humpers    vs    Scrotum Smashers
      135.8                          128.3

Old habits die hard I guess.  Tyson re-named his team to something a little more terrifying, but the end result was the same.  The reigning champs were outplayed in the first half, but a strong output by the Jets D/ST helped give Olsen a cushion going into Monday Night's game.  Knowshon Moreno had opportunities to deliver a  victory for the Scrots, but he plays for the Broncos so they were losing the whole game which meant running was not an option.  While it is very clear that Tyson has a much stronger team than last season, he lacks the big game experience that the Humpers have after winning the Title last year.  This game was much closer than many of us anticipated, but in the end, pelvic thrusting beats skin smashing.  One final note on this game, Greg Jennings and Calvin Johnson are now playing for the Smashers.  Since both were members of last years Championship team, we asked coach Olsen what it was like to coach against them.

Damn it Travolta, what do you think it's like?  Ok, how about this.  Imagine if at the end of Grease, Danny gets Sandy pregnant and runs of with Rizzo.  Or how about this, at the end of Face-Off, Nic Cage took a shotgun and pointed it into his face and pulled the trigger, leaving you to look at his face the rest of your life.  So, it felt great.  Get a real job you closet camper.

Rainbows    vs    Bootleggers
   139.2                  165.9

What is up with the Pirate themes?  Anyway, this game is a lot closer than it should have been.  5 of the 10 players on Cozine's roster only scored in the single digits.  On the other end of the spectrum, new coach Nick Leiting had 5 of the 10 players on his roster score over 20 points this week.  Clearly Cozine should have shown up for the draft insted of letting that retarded Malaysian pick his squad.  His team should be re-named, and I have a great idea for one - The Malaysian Man-Handlers.  It keeps the gay theme alive, but also let's us know who is actually running the show over there in Rochester.  Let's not overlook the Rum-Runners, they are the real deal despite the scary QB situation they find themselves in.  We talked to Coach Cozine's right hand man after the game.

I...picka...dee...foobar...team...goo...Coach Da...say...he...le me...clee...heem...ina...dee...shower...later...I lather...hees...monkey

Clam Faces    vs    Banana Hammocks
     165.6                           118

The Madison teams wanted things to be different this year, but after week one things appear to be the same.  For coach Davy, a new name and new mascot equal the same old football team.  Meanwhile the Clam Cakes appear to have a real powerhouse  roster.  Most everyone on the Clam roster contributed, aside from Mr. Blount who was a finalist for Boner of the Week.  The Nut Clingers just could not find a rhythm.  When Adrian Peterson and Steven Jackson are combined to be outscored by Beanie Wells, you have got big problems.  Coach Sweens felt like rubbing it in after the game.

Wow Davy, your team is about as bad as I remember.  Although I really enjoyed the banners hanging all over your stadium with me in the Borat swimsuit.  That was a nice touch.  Anything to distract the fans from how pathetic your team is huh?  It was nice to see your kicker kick...nothing.  Good luck this season sir, but to be honest, a leprechaun wearing lucky horseshoes and a rabbits foot shoved up his ass won't make your team any better.

GAME OF THE WEEK

Claymakers    vs    Hershey Squirts
     140.5                       141.8

This was the game of the week without a doubt.  So many juicy story lines, from the Squirts losing Peyton Manning, to the Claymakers investing everything in Aaron Rodgers.  This was a match-up between a veteran team that knows how to win and an old guy who has no idea how to play fantasy football (Sorry Blake, true story).  The Claymakers had this game in the back going into Monday nights games.  It would take a miracle for the Squirts to comeback.  That miracle came in the form of Wes Welker.  In the 4th quarter of last nights game, Welker caught a 99 yard TD pass to lock in a 36 point night.  That performance pushed the Chocolate Shits out to about a 15 point lead with just Brandon Lloyd left to play for the Claymakers. 
    
Lloyd fell just short.  When you look at the individual numbers of this game it was no contest.  Every member of the Claymakers scored in double digits accept for their defense.  Meanwhile the squirts had 4 player snot even break double-digits.  It is almost a miracle that the game was this close, let a lone a W for Big Lou Olsen.  The biggest factor in this game, if you ask me, was the defense.  The Hershey Highway's D/ST scored 19 points to Clay-Clay's 6.  But this game was dominated by coach Derr and Co., yet they could not contain that tiny little white guy from the Patriots.  MVP of the Week:  WR Wes Welker 


     Well, we are off and running.  Hope everyone had a great first week (at least...everyone outside of Madison).  I look forward to seeing what you can do this upcoming weekend.  As is tradition, I leave you with a smoking hot chick to drool over.  This chick was going to marry Bootlegger starting QB Jay Cutler, fortunately she came to her senses and realized the dude is perma-drunk.  Enjoy...

2011 Season Preview

     Welcome back Hebrews and Shebrews, for another exciting season of WWS Revival fantasy football.  This season promises to be the most exciting, yet most classless season ever.  I liken this season to the MTV movie awards, exciting but lacking any actual integrity as an awards show.  Who will take home the coveted Ryan Leaf Commemorative Trophy this year?  It's anyone's guess. 

     Let's start the new season by welcoming the two newest teams and their coaches.  The man, the myth, the legend, my dad will be coaching the Kenosha Hershey Squirts.  As many of you know, the D.C Clam Faces play in Tractor Trailer Stadium, which is of course and homage to Big Lou Olsen.  WWSW was able to catch up with Coach Big L after a recent draft meeting:

I am looking forward to squashing all of you youngsters into the ground.  Especially that Sweeney kid.  I never gave him permission to name a stadium after me.  Tell you what, my teams stadium is going to be called "Brian Sweeney's Tiny Penis Field".  How do you like that?  Doesn't feel so good does it?  Maybe we can get a statue and place those giant telescopes right in front of your likeness' crotch.  Can't wait to play that nerd in my stadium.

     Harsh words from an old man.

     The other newest coach is Nick Leiting, my brother-in-law, his team is something stupid and racist.  Nick is a guy who studies the game of football, he studies it like a man who studies things.  Sometimes I think that he may be having an affair with an NCAA regulation sized football.  But, then I grab a beer and forget all about it.  Nick has been pissing and moaning about Wally picking the draft order all week:

What kind of an asshole let's a dog pick something as important as the draft order?  Commissioner Kinzie has once again shown why he is the # 1 asshole in the state of Pennsylvania.  I've never met Wally, but I am pretty sure he was paid off to pick the way he did.  If I ever see that dog in a dark alley, I am going to pet the shit out of him...literally.  I will pet that dog until he drops a deuce right there on Lou's shoe.  Knowing Lou, it would probably be red high-heels with some sort of gold buckle on it.  Homo. 

      
     I think I speak for everyone when I say, I hope you both have the worst fantasy football seasons ever.  But then again, there are still two teams from Madison who will fight you tooth and nail to preserve their horrific stench from last season.

     We have a few changes to report.  First, the pathetic Madison Firebirds, under the leadership of football dunce Davy Wagner, have changed their team name to...The Banana Hammocks.  The Chicago Dingleberries have been relocated, due to poor ticket sales, to Philadelphia were people are generally dick bags.  Last but not least, last years Silver Medalist Blake Derr, has decided to lose the CYO and go with something we can all embrace...the Waukesha Claymakers.  Mark all of these changes down, lest you feel like a jack-ass at the draft when you are the only one who says, "Who are the Banana Hammocks?"  You should have read the blog dip shit. 

     For those of you to lazy to watch a video, here is the draft order for Sunday:

1) Claymakers  2) Banana Hammocks  3) Chupacabras  4) Rainbows  5) Dingleberries  6) Tree Humpers  7) Hershey Squirts  8) Affirmative Blacktion  9) StreetGangsterz  10) Sweeney


     I am thrilled to be back as the lead editor of this blog.  John Travolta is back and fired up for this season.  Unfortunately Ryan Leaf will not be back this season, but his memory will live on each season when a new winner is crowned.  You may be wondering, who will do the interviews on the blog this season?  Well, all I can tell you right now is that the odds are poor that Tyson will agree to do an interview.  If he wouldn't do one with Ryan Leaf, he probably won't want to do one with..... (this is what we call a cliffhanger)

     Best of luck this season, you dirty dirty sluts...that goes double for you Cozine.

Welcome Back Bitches: Wally Picks the Draft Order

article by: Lou Olsen

Ok guys, we are back in action. The Commissioner agreed that the only way to decide the draft order was to let resident pick expert, Wally, decide. Below is the unedited video (accept for some sweet fade and title effects) of Wally's choices for the draft order. Now, I don't want to hear any bitching from you sluts about this. It was done in a very democratic manner. Names were laid out in no particular order.   The dog chose what was in his heart.

Before you watch this, a quick reminder: The Draft is going to be held September 4th at 2pm CST, which is 12pm for a few of us, and 3 pm for a few of you east coast whores. Enjoy....

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

by: Brian Sweeney, coach, Washington Clam Faces

Ahh yes. The fantasy season has concluded and West Wilson Street Weekly has gorged itself in preparation for a long hibernation. Chewing the fat is truly the best part of fantasy football, and appropriately so, considering the circumstances.

Sleepy blog is sleepy

Firstly, let me congratulate our victor and new overlord, Louis Olsen IV. Have fun with the last pick in next year’s draft. It should truly suck. I was happy to see you stick it to Blake and his Choke You Out squad of miscreants. I don’t think I’m alone when I cite weekly frustration at his 30+ point QB output (x2), especially since he represents a disproportionate sect of gingers that have infiltrated WWS. Good job on the underdog victory, Humpers.

I also have to suck a little Olsen schlong when it comes to the blog activity he not only created but inspired. The interviews were captivating and the guest writers were outstanding. I can’t wait to see what he pulls out of his hat next year. That said, two thumbs down to our lamest participants who can only be described as Salingeresque in their reclusiveness. Scrotums to you. Right in the mouth.

Lou dabbles in LSD

Titillating is the speculation for what will emerge as the keepers for each team, rearing their ugly heads in the same league uniforms next year. Will they boom? Bust? It will truly add another dimension to next year’s shit-talking.

Now, I turn to more serious matters – that of who shall receive each trophy. The Dan Cozine “I am so ROFL now OMG” award, the Charles Kinzie “Not Up For Debate” award and my very own namesake, the “Eat, Pray, Love” award for excellence in homosexual message board posting.

Source: Kinzie archives

As the creator of the CK One trophy, I can only present that to one man, the commissioner who took no guff and compromised so little, he makes Stalin look like a Democrat: Charles Kinzie himself. Thanks for hitting us and telling us it was for our own good, Sir Charles. Somebody had to do it. We also appreciate your commissioning. I guess.

As for the other two trophies, well, whoever administers those, choose wisely.

A thorough fellating must also be bestowed on Kurt Wagner of the Firebirds and Nic Tyson of the Chupacabras. Despite throwing the season away about midway through, both kept maintaining their teams whilst getting shat on week in and week out. Kudos.

The success of this league helped maintain my low remaining levels of sanity through a difficult fall and winter. I look forward to many years of maintaining contact with you unscrupulous fellows through this medium.

Cozine family crest

Thanks for the mammaries, and here are the final standings. Prepare your draft research now, because it’s going to be a bloodbath next year. And Dan, for crap’s sake, go back to the Jizz Bolts moniker. Rainbows is gay, but you bring a gayness to this league that can only be communicated by reverting to your former name. Regular season win percentage in parentheses.

1. Seattle Foliage Fondlers (.607)

2. Milwaukee Crappy Yak Oglers (.714)

3. Ketchikan Firm Afros (.393)

4. Chicago Poop Raisins (.500)

5. Washington Clam Crammers (.571)

6. Rochester Gayblows (.571)

7. Madison Squireturds (.286)

8. Madison Hairless Raccoons (.357)

I leave you with the requisite boobies.

Peace out, bitches.

Rumor Mill: Expansion Inevitable

article by Lou Olsen

     An inside source has shared inside information with me which makes it seem like an expansion is inevitable for next season.  It was impossible for the commissioner to predict the kind of success the league would have in it's first year, so due to the playoff format and several other unnamed factors the commissioner is seeking to expand to a much more traditional 10 team format.

Mother and Father of the Champ

     Initial reports indicate that the two owners have already come forward to claim their spot in in the 2011 WWSR league.  My source informed me that one of the new owners could be none other than Louis "The Tractor Trailer" Olsen.   Father of your 2010 Championship coach......me.  With a stadium already bearing his infamous "Tractor Trailer" name, a team would only cement his legacy. 

     I put in a call to the commissioners office, that has yet to go answered.  Rumors have been swirling for weeks about a possible expansion, now it sounds like it is all but a done deal.  Many questions are yet to be answered.  How will the expansion draft work?  What impact will this have on the regular draft?  Will Clark Sweeney be the other owner(my source said no)?  How will this impact the trash heap known as the Madison teams?  Will they capitalize on the expansion and dig themselves out of the basement? 

     Now a separate source also implicated another Olsen family member as the 2nd owner.  This has not yet been confirmed.  Should that be the case however, the state of Wisconsin could have 4 teams between two cities.  Making Wisconsin the epicenter of the fantasy football universe. 

     The season may be over, but news never sleeps.  Ok, that's not totally true.  The odds are, you will see alot fewer posts as we head into the 8 months of no football.  If you would still like to read my writing, or just help a brother out by giving him a page view stat, check out www.reviewingthebrew.com

     In all seriousness, if you guys could just click on the site and look around it would really help me out.  I get less page views on my "professional" blog, than I do for this one.  If you guys enjoyed this blog all season, just click on that link as a sign of your appreciation.  That's all I ask for in return for all of my work for this site over the last four months.  If you only read one article, I recommend John Axford's Mustache facts.  Thanks guys.  It has been a great season and I can not wait until next year. 

P.S- Sweeney is working on his "Season Re-Cap", so keep an eye out for that.  I have no doubt it will be full of awesome-ness. 

The Humpers Win!!!! Humpers Win!!!!!!

Coach Olsen Celebrates a huge win!!!!!

article by: John Travolta


     It is all over gentlemen.  Your 2010 WWS Revival League Champion is none other than Horny Lou Olsen and the Seattle Tree Humpers!!  The CYO's gave them one heck of a fight, but in the end the Humpers offense was too much for Coach Blake to endure.  Final score 146-98.

     We were able to find the winning coach underneath a pile of vomit and English Dry Cider;

This is a great day for not just me, but the city of Seattle, and all the Tree Humpers who inhabit it.  It is the first real championship the city has had since the Seattle Supersonics, but they are not even here any more, so that makes this the biggest championship in city history.  I would like to thank all of my fellow coaches for letting me beat them.  It is clear to me now that you all threw your games so that I could win, as a symbol of your respect for all of my work on the blog.  Thanks guys.  You can all come and get the Ryan Leaf Commemorative Trophy next year.  For the next 12 months, it is coming to live in Seattle.  Oh, and a special thanks to the sponsor of the after party Strongbow hard cider.  You guys are making this experience, so special.   

The city must be proud of it's cider swilling head coach, for bringing home the plastic based action figure.  Look for a full game breakdown and of course the year in review, sometime this week.  Congrats to everyone on a wonderful season, now if you'll excuse me.....I have to get me some cider.  Go Humpers!!!!!

Ryan Leaf Commemorative Trophy Game at the Half

article by: John Travolta

     This years RLCT Game is shaping up to be one for the ages.  After a surprising first half, the CYO hold a 66-62 point lead.  Peyton Hillis, Brandon Pettigrew, and Calvin Johnson must not have realized this is for the championship.  These three top tier players combined for 2 points in the first half. 

     In the second half, look for the Tree Humpers to take advantage of their 5 remaining players.  Aaron Rodgers, Arian Foster, and Greg Jennings should be looking at huge games.  Look for CYO's receiving corp to try and come up with a few huge plays to stay out in front.  Big "Rapist" Ben lead all scorers in the first half, with 25 points but Josh Freeman was right behing him with 21 points. 

     The second half appears to favor the Foliage Fuckers, but no one has watched the league closer than me this year and believe me when I tell you the CYO will not go down without a fight.  Who ever scores the most in the second half will be going home with the Ryan Leaf Commemorative Trophy.  The Pinnacle of our sport.  Check back in after the game for a complete break down of the RLCTG.

Commissioner’s Championship Game Preview – CYO vs. HUMP

by Charles Kinzie, League Commissioner

Last week I handed coach Derr a one-way ticket to the championship in spite of him starting two inactive players. This week I hope he gets what he deserves. Coach Derr and his Waukesha Suffocaters (CYO) are up against one of my bosom buddies coach Olsen and his Seattle Humping Hippie Dendrologists (HUMP).

A native dendrologist caught in the act

Earlier in the week, Wally picked CYO (Live) to take home the Ryan Leaf Action Figure Commemorative Trophy. Sorry, Wally. Not a chance in hell. The Dendros are a shoe in to win this one with coach Olsen fielding a lineup of players ranked no lower than eighth at their respective positions. EIGHTH. The Chokers don’t even come close. Coach Derr made a last-ditch attempt to shore up his running back core. Too little, too late. At least he remembered he was playing this week and subbed in starting active players. My prediction: a lopsided championship. Let’s begin…

Breakdown:

CYO

QBs (Joe Flacco; Ben Roethlisberger) – Two quarterbacks on playoff-bound teams playing mediocre opponents. Ravens need a win and a Steelers loss to secure a first-round bye. Steelers need to win to keep it. High upside? Yes, indeedy.

RBs (Ray Rice; LaDainian Tomlinson) – LT spent the better part of this season on my bench and Shonn Greene is getting the work in close. ‘Nuff said. Great pick up. Not. Oh, and Ray Rice = Icy Hot. I’m not sure what that means. All I know is that every week he “could go off”. In 16 weeks, Ray has “gone off” twice. Does he get some rest with a guaranteed spot in the playoffs? Just sayin’.

Oh Reggie, Don't do this too me Reggie..

WRs (Reggie Wayne; Michael Crabtree; Mario Manningham) – Reggie Wayne has yet to cure his season long case of the dropsies, not to mention, he will also be going toe-to-toe with Cortland Temujin Finnegan. Crabtree is a solid bet when Troy Smith is throwing the ball. Last week, Troy Smith cost Mike Singletary his job. You do the math. Manningham has a good matchup. Now only if Eli would start throwing the ball to his own teammates.

TE (Brandon Pettigrew) – Pick a tight-end, any tight-end. I’d pick Owen Daniels.

D/ST (Ravens) – Last week I tried to get cute and put up the Chargers D/ST against the ailing Bengals offense. Can you say backfire? The Ravens D has something to prove here after losing the past three to the Bengals.

K (Billy Cundiff) – Pick a kicker, any kicker.

HUMP

QBs (Aaron Rodgers; Josh Freeman) – My prediction: Pack goes up big early, the Bears say “To hell with it”, and it rains Limburger and Swiss; Rodgers goes nuts like he knows how. Freeman is playing in a must win to keep any playoff hope alive. It won’t be a repeat of last week, but it could be pretty damn close for these two.

Not this kind of esplode

RBs (Arian Foster; Michael Turner) – Foster is a beast. B-E-A-S-T. The Falcons are pissed. Michael Turner will esplode. That’s right, esplode.

WRs (Greg Jennings; Calvin Johnson; Mike Wallace) – Jennings will have a field day when the Bears starting secondary sits after halftime. No one is faster than Mike Wallace. No one. The only uncertainty here is CJ. Maclin could do you a solid in his place against the worst team vs. WRs, especially, if DeSean sits. Hint, hint.

Sassy

TEs (Vernon Davis) – Mr. Consistent? Not so much anymore, but if he goes off, look out.

D/ST (Steelers) – With or without Troy Polamalu? Does it matter? They own Cleveland.

K (Adam Vinatieri) – Must I repeat myself?

My pick – HUMP…by a lot. In the end, the combination of Aaron Rodgers and Josh Freeman with Arian Foster and Michael Turner will prove too much for CYO to overcome without the healthy trio of Michael Vick, Peyton Hillis, and Andre Johnson starting. After the game, the Dendroholics will celebrate by meeting up with fellow arborists and then proceed to bang General Sherman.