Wally Picks A Winner- Week 8

article by: Lou Olsen

    

     Well, Wally really picked up his game last week and posted a 3-1 record.  His only miss was the Chupacabras, but in his defense the treat was bigger on them.  That takes his combined record to a much more respectable 7-8-1.  Another good week and he could be right back on the winning side of things.  Let's see who my dog liked this week. 

Wally's Picks

Chupas at the Humpers
     Wally Picks:  Foliage Fuckers

Rainbows at the Blackies
     Wally Picks:  Gay Pride


Firebirds at the Clams
     Wally Picks:  Clam Chowder


CYO at the Dingles
     Wally Picks:  Poo Poo Punishers

    

     There you have it boys.  Also, just so you know we are worldwide.  This month I have had 3 views from Singapore, 1 from Thailand, and 1 from Australia.  Not sure why anyone from those 3 countries could give a shit about our silly league and it's blog, but I will take it.  Tyson you suck for blowing off Ryan Leaf again this week, unless you died at the Island Bash which is possible.  I would wish all of you good luck this weekend, but my genie's wife just left him so he is in no mood.

Power Rankings Through Week 7

article by:  Squeak "Little Bitch" Scolari

     Hey everybody, I am really excited to be back a week earlier than I originally thought.  Turns out that alot has changed in just three weeks though, so the website needs my help to sort out all of this crap.  A few weeks ago it looked like the Rainbows were unstoppable, but they have a 1-2 record since I crowned them the most powerful team in the league.  A great many things have changed since then cock, beer?   Let's get right into it!!

 POWER RANKINGS:

1) Affirmative Blacktion (913 total points) this team is just scary in all phases of the game.  Coach M has this team headed right to the championship.  They have depth, consistency, and alot of criminals who are willing to do anything to get the job done.  It is clear that this team has put "The Tie" in their rear view mirrors and forged on with a full head of steam.  The only problem I can see ahead for this team is a 1-1-1 record within the West division.  The Black Widows are clearly the team to beat right now. 

2)  Seattle Tree Humpers (823 total points)  this pick I am not in love with.  My gut tells me that since they beat both the Clams and the Dingleberries, this is a superior team.  At the same time they are terrible within their own division, also sporting a 1-1-1 record.  What separates them from the Black Mamba's is total points.  This team will make the playoffs, but how will they do once they get there?  There are alot of questions about this team, just in general.  They have depth at all positions, but sometimes that is just not enough.  Plus I heard the coach likes musicals, what a queer.

3) D.C. Clam Faces (780 total points)  this team has the best record in the league, but only has the fourth most total points.  Plus their defense is questionable already allowing 771 points, which is only 9 less than they have scored.  There is no doubt that this is the hottest team in the league, having won their last 3 games.  Coach Sweeney has a lot of depth questions on that bench, especially at RB.  This team is good enough to make it into the playoffs and possibly make a little run, should the right guys get hot. 

4) Chicago Dingleberries (874 total points)  this is a high flying offense, who just so happens to run into a buzz saw every other week.  The record does not truly reflect the power of this team.  I have no doubt that they will keep the pressure on the Clams throughout the rest of the season.  When you look at this teams loses, there is no shame in them.......accept for the loss to the Firebirds.  The Dingleberries other two loses came at the hands of our numbers 1 and 2 in today's power ranking.  In order to win the championship they need to amp up the ginger-vitis.

5) Rochester Rainbows (766 total points)  my how the mighty have fallen.  This was my number one team just 3 weeks ago, but now they just can not escape "The Curse of Brett Favre's Penis".  Ever since the news of Favre's doppelganger got out, the team has been in a tailspin.  Lately the defense has been to blame, allowing 779 points to date.  You will never win games if you let the other team score more points than you.  That is like 1st grade P.E shit right there Cozine.  It's fine if you want to embarrass yourself, but don't do this to me.  I have a reputation to uphold.  Try not to shit the bed this week, huh?

6) CYO (713 total points)  not really sure what he was thinking this past weekend by starting two Bye week players.  This team is just kind of average.  Every time you play them you have to be a little nervous because they have proven that they can win games.  As of today, they have 3 listed starters on Bye this week.  Not sure, but Coach Derr may just be throwing in the towel.  Which is dumb, because all he has to do is stay in his current position to make the playoffs.  Only the bottom two teams will miss out.  This team could be better, but they are probably stoned as hell.

7) Madison Firebirds (720 total points)  this team has shown two separate times that it can beat powerful teams.  Having beaten both the Dingles and the Humpers, you would think this team would be looking better.  They are just not consistent.  They gave the Chupacabras their only win of the season, plus they have the leagues worst defense.  To date, the Firebirds opponents have scored 808 total points.  You just can not win games allowing that many points through just 7 games.  That is an average of 115 per week.  They need to make some late season trades if they want to leap frog over the CYO for that last playoff spot.

8) Madison Chupacabras (571 total points)  what can I even say.  They are the worst team in the league.  On average, they will score a depressing 82 points per game while allowing 109 points to there opponents.  This train wreck is beyond repair.  If I am coach Tyson I am looking at who I will be keeping going in to next season.  Now there is still a chance they could sneak into that number 6 spot............there is also a chance that 2-Pac is still alive.  Take a few gambles on guys int he free agent wire, some of those guys will see playing time as the season goes on.  You are not winning with what you have now, so blow it up.

There are still 6 more games left in the season, which leaves a lot of football left to be played.  I would like to leave everyone with this photo of Chupa, the Chupacabras mascot.  They may be the worst team in the league, but no one has a scarier mascot.  Until next time.........Cheers.

How Many Players Can Go On IR In One Season? Week 7 wrap-up

article by John Travolta

     It just does not get any easier does it coach?  Tony Romo becomes the most recent IR casualty this week, with a broken collar bone which will put him on the sidelines for 8-10 weeks.  Which in Cowboy football talk means, "See ya next year Tony!".  This has really been the season of injuries and being able to adapt to those injuries.  The whole Chupacabra team might as well be on the IR the way they play (or don't). 

     Not too much happened on the Brett Favre's penis front this week, although he did admit to leaving those creepy voicemails.  It's easy to deter questions about your penis when you fracture your ankle, while throwing 3 interceptions in a lose to the team that made you famous.  It is officially raining shit on Brett Favre and his team.....the Rochester Rainbows.  Just a few short weeks ago they were the toast of the town, but now they are nothing more than a dumpster rat trying to fight his way through mounds of garbage.  This team needs to do themselves a favor and let him walk away into the ol' homosexual sunset.  Everyone in that locker room needs to start focusing on football instead of #4's manwich. 

     In a surprise tactical move, coach Derr decided to test the commissioners policy about starting players on their Bye week.  Turns out it did not matter, since he went on to lose by 40 points.  The commissioner did make it very clear at the start of the game, hangover and all, that no matter the score coach Derr would be taking one in the loss column.  Some might say this was a stupid move, but to this reporter coach Derr was only trying to test the boundaries of this league.  Every tyrant needs to be tested;  Hitler had the U.S, Simon Cowell had Paula Abdul, and The Westboro Baptist Church has...........everyone.  This was a coach making a statement, but unfortunately he was struck down by "the man".

     This paragraph is usually reserved for the game of the week, but to be honest with you they were all pretty one sided.  Instead I will take this opportunity to make fun of the Chupacabras, especially since Tyson will be interviewed later this week.  If I was a Chupacabra right now, I would pack up my space bags and head right back to whatever mutant galaxy I came from.  How could a fictional creature be more embarrassed than this?  Maybe if Bigfoot got his dick stuck in a vacuum cleaner on The View, or the Lochness Monster popped a couple of Viagra and floated to the surface and just looked like a log for 4 hours.  If I was a Chupacabra living the continental U.S, I would head straight for Canada where no one cares about football eh.  Look Who's Talking Too isn't this bad. 

Let's get to the games:


Week 7 Re-Cap


CYO    vs    Humpers
N/A              Enough

      You are reading those scores correctly.  Due to league ruling, the score of this game does not matter.  We here at WWS Weekly just felt like this pretty much gave you what you needed to know.  The Humpers move to 4-2-1 on the season and move into a tie for first in the West.  Meanwhile the choke collars will have to try and get their coach to a computer at least once this week so he can set a valid lineup.  That game plan might pay off as the season moves forward.  Stats did count in this game however, as Michael Turner and Knowshon Moreno combined for 46 points.  We caught up with Coach Olsen,  Indian style, at mid-field:

You really hate to win that way, but at the same time I'm sure I won't fucking care in about 3 minutes.   Not sure why I still made the guys go out there and actually play.  Next time can we get more notice, I could have slept in this morning.  Derr, what an asshole.

Firebirds    vs    Blackies
    88                       159

     This game never even seemed close.  I would have to do some research, but this may have been one of the worst beat downs in league history.  Naturally it came at the hands of a strong black man.  Coach Craig now shares the lead in the West division, by just going out and taking care of business.  The Firebirds just can not catch a break, Vince Young was a late scratch and Romo's year is over.  This team is just the victim of an injury plagued NFL season.  This game really puts them in a deep hole...........again, at the hands of a strong black man.  The Dark Knight gave us a few minutes after the game:

We just can not stop scoring points.  I mean it.  I have tried to stop them late in games, you know what they do?  Usually they pull a knife on me, but we encourage that.  Not the running up the score, the knives.  I actually teach a Mugger Safety Training class in the off season.  Sometimes I think the game would go faster if they would let up off the gas.  It's like they are stealing a car, don't stop until it stops.  Hey, that might be our new motto: Don't Stop Until It Stops

Clams    vs    Chupas
   99                    76

     Coach Sweeney did not even break 100 points, yet he winds up with almost a 25 point victory.  Again the Chupacabras prove that their season is just about done for.  Time to pack up the truck and get ready for next year.  The Clams have now rattled off 3 straight victories, putting themselves atop the East with a league best 5-2 record.  Did I also mention that Coach Sweeney only started one QB!!  There are no rules against having an open slot on game day, it just sort of makes you a dumb ass.  Leave it to Sweeney to get away with something as pointless and nonsensical as that.  Here is a Sweeney quote:

If we would have lost today, I am fairly certain I might have just drove myself out into the middle of nowhere and waited for death.  We could have played better today I guess, but I never want the guys to get to comfortable.  That's why we only started one QB today.  I wanted to challenge my guys to win a game without all of our weapons.  Plus I knew that Tyson couldn't beat us anyways.

Dingles    vs    Rainbows
   132                     67

Is that Mr. Hankey?

     The score says it all for this game.  The Dingleberries continue to fight with the Clams for first place in the East, while the Rainbows appear to be falling apart.  This may be the only Rainbow without a pot of gold at the end, unless Coach Cozine can turn this baby around.  If I may impart, I was once in a movie called Face/Off with Nicholas Cage.  At that time he was the hottest actor in Hollywood, but now he is playing wizards and demons on motorcycles.  Not sure where I was going with this.  The Rainbows need to be the mid 90's Nic Cage, not the Sorcerer's Apprentice Nic Cage.

We almost doubled them up this week, so that makes me feel good.  We gingers are a proud people who often times get over-shadowed by the gay community, so it felt good to steal the spotlight away for a day.  Now we must go back to living in caves and plotting to gingerfy the rest of the world.  If you'll excuse me. 

     Every week I feel like things just can not get any more bizarre.  Yet, every week something goofy happens and I am the one who gets to deal with it.  Meanwhile that bitch Ryan Leaf gets to do his fluffy little interviews.  Anyways, this week you get Sterger again.  Only because Ines has sort of removed herself from the American media spotlight.  Leave a comment below if there is someone new you would like to see next week.  Maybe a smoking hot sports reporter I have never heard of, or a picture of some random hot sports fan.  Until then, enjoy.

THE Interview with Ryan Leaf-Postponed

a note from the desk of Ryan Leaf
Dictated not written


     My sincerest apologies to all followers of the Blog.  Due to conflicting schedules and the Island Bash, the interview with Nic Tyson has been moved to next week.  For those of you who long for 'THE Interview' each week, you will simply have to wait a little bit longer I'm afraid.

     Every other part of the blog you have come to love and respect, should be up at the usual dates and times.  Also, I would love to get a play by play of the Island Bash if anyone is willing.  Have a great week.  I look forward to talking with Nic later on this week.

Leaf, Out!!

Dictated from Ryan Leaf to Hubert McNichols, Mr. Leaf's personal assistant 

Wally Picks A Winner - Week 7

by: Lou Olsen


     We are officially half way through the regular season and Wally has not done very well.  Last week he went 2-2, which brings his season record to 4-7-1.  Not so good.  This week when I got out the ceremonial paper slips with everyone's name on it, my dog charged at me like I was a steak.  My poor dog is going to be so mad when football season is over.  Anyways, here are his picks this week:

Wally's Picks

CYO at the Humpers
     Wally Picks:  Hump-a-Tron 3,000


Firebirds at the Blackies
     Wally Picks:  Black Hammer


Clams at the Chupas
     Wally Picks:  The Chalupas


Dingles at the Rainbows
     Wally Picks:  Turd Ticklers

     There you go fellas!  I would not recommend putting any money on these picks, the dog only likes you because you are represented by a treat in his balloting.  This week let's try not to hit so hard, or Chuck will have to lay down some fines and suspensions.  Well, I would wish you all good luck but I do not do favors for Gypsies.  You Gypsy bitches.

A Birthday Post For My Favorite Ginger - Chuck

article by:  Lou Olsen


     For those of you who did not know, it is Chuckles birthday today.  Since I am poor and can not be at the Island Bash this weekend, this is the best I could do for a gift.  I really debated what to write about for this article, late on Tuesday night I had narrowed it down to two things.  Decided to sleep on it and see which one I liked better in the morning.  Turns out I like them both equally, so here we go:

Top 5 Famous Gingers

1) Winston Churchill
          Keeper of the flame haired dream for all the world in the dark days of the rise of Nazism and Hitler’s jackbooted trampling of Europe  from 1939 to 1945. What is less well known about Winston is that post war after his famous ”Iron Curtain” speech in 1946 he set about doing things to bring the peoples of Europe closer together.

2)  Jesus

          The picture to my right proves Jesus was ginger. Further proof, if required can be seen in Jesus of Nazareth, the seminal biopic of his life, where old Robert Powell sports a fine ginger disposition. So Jesus, a great all round entertainer is perhaps the most important famous ginger for us to consider. There is a book to be published entitled  ”Was Jesus a Ginger?” written by Herman Souk, astrologer and soothsayer to the court of Bhutan.

3)  Marilyn Monroe 

          Screen siren and first Playboy cover girl in history, Marilyn captured the world’s hearts with a series of outstanding medical discoveries in the late nineteenth century. Forced to hide her gingerness to achieve fame as a movie legend, Marilyn also inspired the invention of Kleenex in 1954.  Also rumored to have been a dirty old slut.

4)  Queen Elizabeth the First
          Good Queen Bess, scourge of the Spanish, lover of liquorice and a right good laugh by all accounts. Daughter of Henry “Big Fella” the Eighth but we won’t hold that against her. Did much to cement the place of the ginger in British society and laid the foundations four hundred years in advance of the nation’s motorway system.

5) The Cigarette Butt
         We at WWS Weekly are controversial if nothing else. Perhaps the most ubiquitous ginger item in the world. Litter, cancer, olfactory displeasure and that horrible taste when you swig a can of Milwaukee's Best at a party to realize that somebody has dropped a butt in. But I have thought long and hard about this and the butt deserves a place at the top table of gingerness.


Part II- My 5 Favorite Childhood Memories With Chuck

1)  The Island
          How could this not have been number one?  Everything I ever needed to know about life, drugs, and booze I learned on that little slab of land.  From pissing into citronella candle buckets to breathing fire, you name it and it happened on that island.  One of the more amazing things to ever happen on the Island, was the Viking Funeral we had a few years ago.  Not only did it work, but Chuck has video of it.  Even when Brain's dad sells this patch of my childhood, I will remember it as it was when we spent every weekend of our High School lives out there. 

2)  The Pope Mobile
          It was hard to be pissed about a free car when you turned 16, but when Charlie inherited this blue beast it was a moving sight gag.  There was a St. (INSERT ANY NAME HERE) statue super glued to the dashboard.  The car came complete with Rosary beads and a hanging photo of then Pope John Paul II.  The Pope Mobile became a staple of our teenage years, especially since Charlie was the first one of us to get his license.  I remember when a deer ran into the passenger side door, and if I remember correctly the deer was demolished by the big blue holy roller!

3)  The Hot Tub/Earplug Battle
          The title makes this sound pretty gay, but it was quite the contrary.  Dan had an ear infection at the time, so he had to wear these silicone ear plugs.  Turns out they could also double as a fun bouncy toy.  We begin throwing Dan's balled up ear plugs all over the hot tub room in Brian's house.  At one point the silicone ball dropped into the water right next to Dan's ass.  It was at this point that Clark walks in and says "What do you girls want on your pizza?"  Unbeknownst to him, at the same time Dan uttered "Don't touch my.......ass"  The timing of this worked out so that to Clark it sounded like we wanted ass on our pizza.  I have never laughed so hard in my life.  That was a fun day.

4)  Faygo Fest

This was by far one of the weirder things Chuck and I conceived together.  My parents always bought this extremely generic soda called Faygo, and they bought it in bulk.  One smoking hot summer day, Chuck and I decide to pound one of these sodas in my garage and then sprint to my parents pool and jump in.  As the Faygo Fest evolved, it became more about how much soda could you cover the front of your body with before running to the pool.   We found that Red Pop, Grape, and Mountain Mist worked the best.

5)  The Staind/ Kid Rock/ Limp Bizkit Concert
           When I think back to that day, alot is pretty blurry.  I do remember getting caught in a mosh pit during Staind, which left a bruise the size of a plat on my hip.  For some reason I also remember us making friends with two relatively hot punk rock chicks.  Plus there was the Kid Rock signed dollar bill, which is still framed in my parents basement.....I think.  We had an awesome time though, but it always gets so damn hot in The Eagles Ballroom.   Thank the christian god that at that time wife beaters where the shirt of choice for these bands. 


Charlie, you are one of my oldest and dearest friends.  I hope this little walk down memory lane puts a smile on your face today.  Really wish I could be with you guys this weekend, but maybe I can call you on Saturday night.  Hey, what ever happened to Mr. Johnson?  If it wasn't for his 7th grade science class we never would have met.  Oh Shit, Happy Birthday Chuck!!

Clam Faces, Rainbows in First Place at the Half Way Point - Week 6 Review

article by: John Travolta

     This weekend we had two games seperated by less than a touchdown!!  Has our league become so much like the NFL that no one is really better than anyone else?  Naturally, there will always be bottom feeders(both located in Madison).  Even those guys are going to get lucky from time to time, like I did when I landed that role in Pulp Fiction.  My career was as bad as the Chpacabras, but then Tarantino came a calling.  Maybe Coach Tyson should give Quentin the starting QB job, anything has to be better than that stable of feces he's rolling out right now. 

     To follow up on last weeks article, the NFL is investigating Brett Favre's penis.  I have no doubt they will find the penis.  My biggest concern is, what will his punishment be, from both the league and Coach Cozine?  We all know that the coach is fairly fond of the male genetalia, but even he must see how this is affecting his team.  He would have dropped his third game in a row this weekend, had it not been for Chris Johnson's late 4th quarter touchdown run.  At this point you have to wonder if it is even worth keeping Favre on the roster.  When I think about all of the gay youths of America looking up to this team, Favre's blatent display of heterosexuality makes me sick and is a major set back in the Gay Football Movement. 

    On a straighter note, the Shit Storms drop another game at home to the Pelvic Thrusters.  This was the game of the week for me.  Feel free to disagree, but I think the evidence will speak for itself.  The matchup was so even, that the ESPN predictor thought the game would end in a tie!  Can you imagine another tie at the hands of those hippies from Seattle?  In the end this game was won because of big plays, which plays into the Humpers strength.  Chicago is a very solid and consistent team, but that can backfire against explosive offensive teams.  The Crap Clingers do not need to hit the panic button just yet, but next weeks game against the Rainbows is a must win for Coach Cha Cha.

     The D.C Clams have really rebounded from the sodomy they endured two weeks ago at Clark Sweeney Memorial Stadium.  Yesterday they won their first game in the newly constructed, Tractor Trailer Stadium.  This game certainly looked to favor the Black Licorices, having won 3 straight games coming into D.C.  Are the Clams better than we thought?  Or is the lack of a top tier team enabling them to hang tough with everyone?  I do not have answers to either of those questions.  It is pretty safe to assume that they will roll to their 3rd straight victory next week, when they head to Madison to play the Chump-acabras.


Week 6 Re-Cap


Chupas    vs    CYO
   78                  112

     Having Ben "Public Bathroom Rapist" Roethlisberger back, reallly made no difference for the CYO's this week.  It could have been Lady Gaga at QB and odds are that the Choke Chains would have still won by at least 15 points.  This CYO team is much more solid with "The Rapist" under center, you can not underestimate the importance of a soild 25 point per week guy in this league.  If the Chupa-Cockras even had one of those guys they might not lose every game.  Let's leave it at this, the leading point scorer for the Cow Suckers was Alex Smith with 19 points.
     Coach Tyson spoke briefly after another wasted effort,

We suck, there it is.  Everyone happy that I put that out in the open.  This team has about as much fight as Michael J Fox in a wet paper bag.  You want some good news, I was sober for the first half.  At halftime Cutler and I pounded some Jack Daniels and the game became much easier to stomach........until I puked.  Not sure if the puke was alcohol induced, or team induced.

Rainbows    vs    Firebirds
     97                        94

     You want to talk about getting lucky, Chris Johnson racked up 12 fantasy points in the last 5 minutes of regulation.  Earlier in the day I honestly thought the Firebirds had pulled to .500 on the season.  Which was mind blowing, especially since I pretty much left them for dead two weeks ago.  If not for the Titans refusal to take out Johnson late in the game, while up by 20 points, the Rainbows would have dropped to 3-3.  3 weeks into the season it looked like the Homo Heroes where going to be unstoppable, but now they are just another stop on the West Wilson Street mediocre railroad.  Granted, they are back in first place in the West but the Black Belts and Tree Sexers are only a half game back.

     Coach Cozine spoke to me right outside the locker room:

 Really dodged a bullet tooday!!  After a win like this you can only hope that it gets your guys back on track.  This week I tried showing them pictures of other men's "Firemen" in order to get the vision of Favre's willy out of their minds.  Reverse penial psychology.  With this team it is a real challenge to get the thought of a man's bulging member out of their heads.  So, we decided to embrace it.  We will just keep chipping away at Favre's cock, until it is nothing but a  faint memory.

Blackies    vs    Clams
    100                   111

     In the inaugural game at Tractor Trailer Stadium, the Clams sent all 3 of the home fans out happy.  This game could have easily gone the other way, but Coach Craig's receiving core just could not get the job done.  TE Antonio Gates with 1 point and Hakeem Nicks with 0 points set the tone to a 20 point total performance from 4 players.  Meanwhile the Clamsters receivers put up 38  points on the day.  A scary moment for the Clam Cakes though, as #2 QB Shaun Hill broke his forearm late in the 2nd quarter.  Fortunately for Coach Sweeney, he has Peyton Manning.  This game along with a Dingleberry loss, puts the Clams alone in first place in the East.
     Coach Sweeney wore his pride on his sleeve last night:

 I can not believe that we are better than that ginger snap.  In his defense, the Humpers kicked the piss out of me too.  What am I saying, who cares about that red pubed shit slapper!!  My team is just one of those teams that likes to take it up the ass every now and again to re-charge the batteries.  It feels really good to be on top for a change.  Historically I have always been a bottom, so this is all very new for me and I am going to enjoy it.

Humpers    vs    Dingles
   120                     115

     Close game.  This was another one where the receivers really hurt the Crap Clumps, only putting up a nipple pinching 7 points.  Meanwhile the big play driven Foliage Fuckers continue to live and die by these monster games.  Arian Foster continues to be the runaway fantasy player of the year, while Jennings and Wallace had huge days through the air.  The one thing that the Turds can hold their heads up about is consistency.  This team scores over 100 points week in and week out, without exception.  Sometimes it is hard to catch a break when you do not have those big play threats though. 
    Coach Chuck E Cheese after the tough loss:

Close only counts in horseshoes and handgrenades.  We did not get the job done today.  Our players never gave up, but sometimes that just is not enough.  I have been to easy on these guys the last few weeks, we are going to have to evoke that Ginger rage again if we want to get to that Championship game.  Olsen is a decent dude, for a member of the chosen race, and I have no doubt that we will have to see them again in the playoffs.  Hopefully by then we will know how to stop the barage of humping.  Hey, am I too tall for this?

     Another unpredictable week on West Wilson Street.  This week I was going to switch back to Ines Sainz since she turned down the cover of Playboy.  Then I realized that Brett Favre's penis was under investigation today, so we will be sticking with Jenn Sterger........who said yes to Playboy already!!  Have a great week everyone.

 

THE Interview with Ryan Leaf

this week:  Coach Craig M
                 Head Coach of Affirmative Blacktion

 

Only known picture of Coach Muskmelons

     Where do I begin?  This is a man who has known persecution, retribution, and prostitution.  A man so important, he is the only coach who does not have to give his last name on the league website!  Since I do not know what it is, I will be making it up.  From know on I will refer to him as coach Muskmelons.

     Having never met Coach Muskmelons, I was a little disappointed that our interview was over the phone.  Still, he agreed to share some time with me during his 5 plus hour layover.  I was more nervous for this interview than any other interview I have done.  Mostly because I knew that he was a minority, but also because we had never even spoken before.  He taught me so much in such a short amount of time, not only about the game but about life, love, and firearms.  Enjoy..........


R.L:  Coach M(uskmelons), tell me about the team name.  Where did it come from?  Or maybe, what was your inspiration?

C.M:  It really all stems from my grandfather, Jackie Robinson.  I felt that it would give my team a strong underdog mentality.  Plus, I couldn't name the team Obama.

R.L:  Where you trying to be a dirty reverse racist?

C.M:  The truth is, you just can't teach that.  It's just instinct I guess.

R.L:  Let's talk about "The Tie".  We have talked with the Commissioner and Coach Olsen about it, but what are your thoughts on that day?

C.M:  Ryan, it was an atrocity!!  I really wish that Commissioner Chuck would have stepped up to the occasion, but instead he chose to Ginger up to the occasion!!  Anything would have been better; a fight to the death, a coin toss, jousting, chubby bunny, fucking anything.  To score 139 points and get nothing out of it is just...................I think the police are following me through the airport.

R.L:  Brother, I have been there.  Just sit down in the food court, try to blend in. 

What is your history with the Commissioner like?  I know that he and coach Sweeney have a rough past, does that carry over to you as well?

C.M:  Chuck and I have a special kind of love.  We both are Cubs fans, our love of the Cubs gives us a special bond.  When you have thrown your hat at a television in anger together as many times as we have, it takes alot more than 10 dollars to split you apart. 

R.L: Craig, I understand you make your home in Alaska.  Is it hard to get laid by something that is not a bear?

C.M:  Nothing a little razor can't handle.

R.L: (pause)  How does the "slow game" work in Alaska?

C.M:  Time really plays into Alaska.  It was built for the "slow game".  Use winter to prepare, then when all the old ladies get off the cruise ship there you are.  There really is no better place for me.

R.L:  Does your team even have a field, or do you just sort of walk out to.....anywhere in Alaska and draw out football lines?

C.M:  Mostly we have success with alleys.  The problem is finding a flat 100 yards in Alaska.  The occasional parking lot works pretty well.

R.L:  Why on earth would you move from America to Alaska?

C.M:  Mostly for the effectiveness of the "slow game" mentality.  It is way more effective up there.  Plus I can carry a gun and nobody cares.

R.L:  I would like to switch gears for a second.  Have you ever been the victim of blacksploitation?

C.M:  Everyday of my life.  That's the reason I got the worst room in the house back in college.  I'll admit, it has gotten better with Obama around.

R.L:  Craig, have you heard the reports this week that I took money from an agent in my last two years of college.  If you have heard them, do you think they are true?

C.M:  No, I didn't hear that.  I heard you tried to solicit sex from some massage therapists, and then sent a picture of your dick to some dark haired chick with huge chesticles.

R.L:  Ummmmm..........yea, that was me.  I totally did that.

Hey Craig, if you were Plaxico Burress would you have kept a loaded gun that close to your penis?

C.M:  Never.  Then again as a black man it's hard not to.

R.L:  Follow-up on that last question, have you ever wore sweatpants into a night club before?

C.M:  Only every day for four years, at the finest collegiate institution in these United States, the University of Wisconsin.

R.L:  Would you ever send a picture of your penis to a former Playboy centerfold?

C.M:  No, they usually come over for that show.  I would consider it after a few years of giving her the "slow game".  Or if a gun went off in my pants at a nightclub, I might send her a picture to say, "Hey look, I missed it!!"

R.L:  Is there a team in this league that you are afraid to play?

C.M:  None of them.  My team is the best.

R.L:  That brings us to our questionnaire.  Which I stole from James Lipton, who stole it from Bernard Pivot, who actually stole it from Marcel Proust.

What is your favorite word?

C.M: Saucy

R.L:  What is your least favorite word?

C.M:  Scott

R.L:  What turns you on?

C.M:  Sweeney's Island Bash

R.L:  What turns you off?

C.M:  Clark Sweeney selling the island

R.L:  What is your favorite curse word?

C.M:  Cunt rag

R.L:  What sound or noise do you love?

C.M:  The Muffin Mix

R.L:  What sound or noise do you hate?

C.M:  The sound of Tyson's mom calling my name

R.L:  What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

C.M:  Male Stripper

R.L:  What profession would you not like to attempt?

C.M:  Working for an Alaskan Cruise Line

R.L:  If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

C.M:  Oh me, not you.  Security please.

R.L:  If there is no heaven and you are reincarnated as some other plant or animal, what would it be?

C.M:  A fox who is faster than a flash


     What else is there to say?  Truly a god amongst meer mortals.  How could I possibly continue to deliver breath taking interviews over and over again?  Well, I'm Ryan Leaf.  And for the record, it was Brett Favre who solicited sex from those massage therapists.  But as my old agent used to say, no publicity is bad publicity.  See you all next week.

Leaf, out!








 

Wally Picks A Winner - Week 6

by:  Lou Olsen


     I know that you were all very concerned when you did not see your favorite K-9 making his picks last week.  Don't worry, it was just his Bye week.  Plus it was his Birthday, so he was hungover for 4 days of last week.  That dog sure loves him some Lienie's Sunset Wheat!!!  His current record is embarassing, so I will spare you the exact number.  If he has a good week we will look at his overall record, if he has another bad week then he goes on probation.  Not sure what that will mean for him as of yet, but I will let you all know.  Let's see who he likes this week.

"You better not fuck me over again Sweeney! "

Wally's Picks


Humpers at the Turds
     Wally Picks:  Dookie Danglers


Blackies at the Clammy's
     Wally Picks:  The Men In Black


Gays at the Birds
     Wally Picks:  The Homo-erectors


Chupas at the Choke Jobs
     Wally Picks:  Choke that Chicken


There you go everybody, get your bookie on the phone.  Just to let everyone know, I got a sneak peak of this weeks interview with Ryan Leaf...............................they just keep getting better.  THE Interview will be posted tomorrow, with special guest Coach Craig of the Western division leading Back in Blacks.  I would wish all of you good luck this weekend, but I don't believe in wishing!!

No One Cares About Football When Brett Favre's Penis Is Involved - Week 5 In Review

article by: John Travolta

 

     Happy Tuesday everyone!!  Every Tuesday I take time out of my busy schedule, being a famous Hollywood actor, to write you a weekly review.  That will still happen, but the big news this week is Brett Favre's penis and the woman who received it.  I could not just let this story waltz by me without givng it the old Danny Zucco touch.

     Rumor's surfaced this week that in 2008 Brett Favre, then the QB for the NY Jets, attempted to seduce a sideline reporter named Jenn Sterger.  Obviously Favre is not as stupid as his southern drawl would lead you to believe. This broad is smoking hot!!  It is only natural that Favre is going to want to nail a chick who looks suspiciously like his wife, just with way bigger milk melons.  Alot of so called "experts" say this is a bad thing for Favre.  To me, this could not have come at a better time for Favre.  He is currently ranked as the 2,332 best fantasy PLAYER available, which is shocking with his 7 INT's, 5 TD's and 800 total yards.........oh wait.  This is a blessing in disguise for the dusty old confederate.  The major question is, when will coach Cozine realize that this distraction is taking it's toll on his team?

     Since the Favre dong reports first surfaced, the Rainbows have fallen from 3-0 to a mediocre 3-2.  Some might argue that since they were both close losses, perhaps it is not as simple as Favre's dick causing the team to lose games.    In the Rainbows three wins, they won by an average of over 20 points per contest.  That is all the evidence I need to rule that Favre's pecker is guilty of hurting this team.  With this newest development, it seems our league is more like the NFL than we know.  No team is a guaranteed win (accept the Chupa's) or loss.  Every weekend has a surprise or two, like seeing Favre's penis on your phone......twice.  Now I had to fight every homosexual bone in my body to not post a picture of the cock in question.  You are lucky that my wife hates penis', otherwise you would have an eye full of Hall of Fame twig and berries.  Let's look at the games:


Week 5 Re-Cap

CYO    VS    BLACKTION
  97                     134

     The Men in Black continued to put "The Tie" as far behind them as possible with another convincing win.  They now hold a three game winning streak and the lead in the West division by a 1/2 game over the Rainbows.  The CYO's continue to dominate the ground game scoring 37 points, but it is clearly taking a toll on their passing game.  CYO wide receivers continue to look flashy on paper, but a hell of a lot duller on the football field. 
     Ryan Leaf informed me earlier today that Black Magic coach Craig will be the interview subjec tthis week, so that being the case we will grab a quote from the losing coach. 

"We are just not good at throwing.  We can jam it up the middle better than anybody, but we can not get anything going through the air.  I bet if we started throwing bongs and bags of weed they would start catching shit!!  Ochocinco needs to strap on his man parts and stop tweeting, otherwise he is going to find himself without-o el job-o!!!"  (then shoves podium into front row of reporters, then proceeds to pull out his Brett Favre and piss all over the podium)

DINGLES    VS    CHUPAS
    148                        92

     Talk about a shocker!!(sarcasm)  The Cabras are horrible.  The Dingleberries are an elite team, who happen to be managed by the league commissioner.  Did Coach Tyson really think that rolling out the Charger defense would be enough to stop the turd ticklers from the windy city?  The game could not have been worse for the blood suckers from Madison, losing Mark Clayton for the rest of the season to a knee injury early in the first quarter.  The Dingleberry receiving core almost outscored the entire Chupa team, with 74 points.  I would love to talk about how great the dookie danglers played, but we have to look at their opposition. 

     Coach Ginger Balls spoke after the huge win,

"Boy this game was like a good old fashioned Nordic viking village pillaging.  We took all of their valuables, raped all of their women, and then burned their straw houses to the ground.  Some of the guys wanted to piss on the ashes, but I told them enough is enough.  Today's ginger game ball goes to my receivers, you guys made the hair on my balls even redder than usual today."  Great words, from a sub par human being.

FIREBIRDS    VS    HUMPERS
      133                         96

     In the upset of the week, the Humpers got throttled at Clark Sweeney Memorial on Sunday.  Super stud Arian Foster put up a Viagra prescribing 2 points, along with fellow teammates Greg Jennings and Dez Bryant.  On the other sideline there was no Viagra needed.   Pretty solid game all across the board.  This team really did not want to be my punching bags, especially after last weeks humiliating loss to the Chupacabras.  Good news Kurt, you are safe for another week. 
     We have a sound byte from coach Wagner,

"After last weeks game, alot of our fans had left us for dead.  I told my men in the locker room that the only thing I want to see dead around here is hookers.  They took that and ran with it, fortunately they thought I said Humpers.  Let's hope that I don't start seeing dead hookers all over the locker room.  Boy that would really take me back..........."

CLAMS    VS    RAINBOWS
   134                       130

     There is no question that this was the game of the week.  Coach Sweeney must not have liked the humping he received last weekend because his offense went berserk.  While in the gay corner, no one could stop looking at Brett Favre's penis.  His wide receivers were obviously distracted by it, since they only combined for 18 points.  My questions for coach Sweeney is, how was he not distracted by Favre's tally whacker?

"In my line of work you see a lot of cock and balls.  The difference between them and us, we do not make them our lives work.  Of course a man can enjoy another man's wang every now and again, just not on the football field.  When you put your chode out there for everyone to see, you have to expect some sort of backlash........like herpes.  Believe me I know...........about the herpes.........not the chode...........herpes is bad too...............are we done here?"

     Another week of mentally unstable football.  Now to really blow your minds, this week Ines Sainz will not be the last thing you see on this Blog.  We here at WWS Weekly believe in promoting only the hottest women to be harassed by professional athletes.  Gentlemen, allow me to introduce you to Jenn Sterger.  And yes, she has posed for Playboy!!  See you all next week.

THE Interview with Ryan Leaf

this week:  Brain Sweeney
                 Head Coach of the Washington D.C Clam Faces



     What an amazing interview this week. I do not like to toot my own horn........oh hell, who am I kidding I fucking love to toot my horn.  This interview is so juicy and full of breaking news that if i keep talking about it I will spill the Vicodin......err, I mean beans.  Enjoy.............

R.L:  Brian, I have to ask this question first.  How do you feel about the stadium in Seattle being named after your father, Clark?

B.S:  Personally, I'm glad it wasn't me.  The thought of doing something like that is just too self-indulgent.  Like eating cotton candy for dinner.  I think that he did alot for the league and deserves to be honored as such, so I am glad it happened.  I don't think that I am supposed to be the one to spin his yarn.

R.L:  Well said.  Have you considered naming your stadium after his father Louis G Olsen, or maybe even his grandfather Louis V. Olsen?

B.S:  Ryan, we have been waiting for the right moment to announce this and I think this is that moment.  I have breaking news about the naming of Clam Face Stadium here in our nations capital.  Next Sunday will be the Inaugural game at, Tractor Trailer Stadium, which of course was Louis G Olsen's nickname.  Our goal was to honor his competitive spirit, not just his name. 

R.L:  That is a huge bombshell you just dropped coach.  Will Mr. Olsen be on hand for the game?

B.S:  Sadly no.  He has more important things to do.

R.L:  That makes sense.  Now coach, why in the name of God do you have so many Tight Ends on your roster?  You know that you can only play on per week right?

B.S:  This is very difficult.  I have a disease, it's called hoarding.  No matter how hard I try, I can not resist the urge to keep other people's trash.  The saddest part is that if I had more space I would probably take more.  If only I could start hoarding Wide Receiver's instead.  If anyone out there needs a TE, plus a garbage wide receiver they want to unload........you know how to find me.

R.L:  Lately you have been taking a great deal of abuse in the local media for your choice of mascot.  What is your response to the fans, who are fueling these fires?

B.S:  The truth is, fans do not understand the mascot because they do not know the story.  One night in Madison, I was over served at a local bar and eatery.  That night I happened to be out with Chupacabra coach Nic Tyson.  Nic began to attack me personally with his words, not with his fists because he is a floppy vagina.  In my intoxicated rage I spouted, "Your mother will have a beard when I am through with you clam face".  It doesn't make sense, but it is funny to me.  To answer your question, fuck the fans!

R.L:  Wow, that sounds like something I would say.  Well played coach.  Would you ever consider changing your mascot, perhaps to an actual clam?

B.S:  Clam Faces are not Clams, but their faces.

R.L:  Alright Brian, I would not be doing my job if I did not ask this next question.  Can you tell me about some of the tension between you and Commissioner Kinzie over the past few weeks?

B.S:  My problems with Chuck start with him being a Ginger.  A dirty ginger even.  They make up 3% of the population, but somehow the control the media, the fantasy football league, and all of the gay bath houses in San Fransisco.  He is the one picking the fights.  Every time I try to take the high road, he takes the ginger hard ass road.  All this over his stupid league dues, well he'll got his money.........at the deadline...........11:59 pm.  That's when you'll get your money you ginger bitch.

R.L:  Let's move on.  At one time you were a resident of Madison, the capital of Wisconsin.  What is your reaction to the string of Chupacabra assassinations going on throughout the greater Madison area?

B.S:  I am very partial to the Chupacabra, they are very beautiful creatures.  My only hope is that people will continue to let them live, because they are no threat to humans.  Just let them be, they only want to eat your live stock.

R.L:  Do you still enjoy generic fruit chews every now and again, especially after a good hooka session?

B.S:  No, I have really strayed from my roots.  The truth is I have been fruit chew free for at least the last decade.  I will have to check the Kenosha Pick-N-Save when I am there in a few weeks.  It is hard to explain the regret I feel about straying so far from my roots. 

R.L:  You are also a writer, from time to time.  Are you working on anything new and exciting?  I heard a rumor that you had an eye opening piece about feline AIDS, any truth to that?

B.S:  Not at all.  I do have an article hitting the presses this week about all natural medicines that cured a young child of cancer.

R.L:  I have to be honest with you, that sounds just awful. 

B.S:  Well, nobody cares what you think anyways.

R.L:  Too true coach, too true.  Let's have some fun for a second.  If you had to bet all of your girlfriends money on who will win the championship this year, who would it be?

B.S:  The Rainbows.  Cozine is sharp and has a solid team.  Naturally, I would prefer to win but when money is involved it changes your perspective.  My biggest concern about the Rainbows is their name.  How do you replace a name like the Jizz Bolts?  Maybe the worst coaching decision of all time.  Just because he did not get his precious money, he abandoned the team name that lead him to the championship.  The Jizz Bolts is an unstoppable name, one which inspires fear and disgust into it's opponents.  This new name might just be the chink in his armor, and one of us is going to be the archer with the golden arrow.

R.L:  What if it was your money?  Same answer?

B.S:  Then I would say Tree Humpers.  I am not kissing ass, just calling a spade a spade.  They flat out kicked my ass, and I am smart enough to know an ass-kicking is an ass-kicking.  They could really be a dark horse this year. 

R.L:  And at last we have come to our questionnaire.  Which I stole from James Lipton, who stole it from Bernard Pivot, who actually stole it from Marcel Proust.

What is your favorite word?

How tight is that end?

B.S:  Laser

R.L:  What is your least favorite word?

B.S:  Granny

R.L:  What turns you on?

B.S:  Electricity

R.L:  What turns you off?

B.S:  A giant Pubis Mons  (look it up, it's gross)

R.L:  What is your favorite curse word?

B.S:  Cuntmouth

R.L:  What sound or noise do you love?

B.S:  Double Bass Guitar

R.L:  What sound or noise do you hate?

B.S:  Blake's queefs

R.L:  What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

B.S:  Session Shredder

R.L:  What profession would you not like to attempt?

B.S:  A Gay Chemist Like Chuck

R.L:  If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

B.S:  You know, I would really prefer it if heaven didn't exist.

R.L:  Wonderful, last questions is right up your alley.  If there is no heaven and you are reincarnated as some other plant or animal, what would it be?

B.S:  A daffodil

R.L:  Thank you for your time today coach.

B.S:  Ryan, I would like to say something before we finish up.  Growing up my mother was a Chargers fan.  You suck so much balls.  In fact, it hurts my mouth to think about all the balls shoved in there.  If I ever see you on the street, I might just punch you straight in the dick. 


     Aside from that last little bit, this was an eye opening interview.  Coach Sweeney really opened up to us, and gave us some amazing stories.  From the new stadium, to his history with Commissioner Kinzie, and everything else in between, this was a terrific interview.  Please join me next week for a guest, who has not yet come forward.  We here at WWS Weekly have faith that one of you dick holes will step up and give us the amazing stories we have come to expect.  Don't forget to have your Chupacabras spade or neutered.  See you all next week. 

Power Rankings Through Week 4

ranked by:  Squeak "Little Bitch" Scolari

That's me in the middle

     Wow, I am really excited to get this chance to do something great.  Most of you will remember me from the movie BASEketball.  While others of you have no fucking clue who I am.  Little did you know that I am a fantasy football expert, who has been contracted to do power rankings every four weeks.  Plus I have been given some artistic liberties over my articles, because I am not a litttle bitch. 


POWER RANKINGS:

1)  Rochester Rainbows (472 total points) - this is a well coached team under Dan Cozine.  This team has the deepest bench in the league at almost every offensive position, specifically missionary.  Even though they suffered their first loss this weekend, that game seemed like the Rainbows got out-lucked instead of out-played.  Look for them to continue to dominate until further notice. 

2)  Affirmative Blacktion (520 total points) - the Dark Knights are the highest scoring team in the league, but have had some rough breaks.  Of course "The Tie" was a hard anal suppository to swallow, but the 9 point loss in the season opener to the Rainbows is what has landed them in 2nd on our list.  While his RB's leave a little to be desired, their QB's are top notch and can beat you all by themselves. 

3)  Chicago Dingleberries (479 total points) - even after losing two in a row, I still think this is the team to beat in the Eastern division.  Consistency is the key to them holding the division lead, it also could not hurt for them to try and find some stability at WR.  Coach Kinzie has done a great job of instilling his ginger rage into his team, both on and off the football field.   This is a team that should have no problem getting a playoff berth.   

4)  Seattle Tree Humpers (468 total points) - these dirty hippies are not doing anything too terribly special to win games.  Arian Foster has been a blessing for his coach (and member of the master race) Lou Olsen, already putting up 93 points in just four games.  The trade of Carson Palmer has also seemed to help the team from a chemistry stand point.  This is a playoff team, but not in the same class as the Gays and the Blacks.

5)  Washington D.C. Clam Faces (434 total points) - Coach Sweeney has made it known that he is disgusted with the play of his WR's.  On the flip side, he has three of the best TE's in the game.  If this teams want to keep pace in teh East, he needs to parlay a trade of one of his tight asses for a solid WR to go along side Brandon Marshall.  This team could also use a mascot overhaul, because teams don't win championships.....mascots do.

6)  Choke You Out (416 total points) - this is a team with a lot of unproven players in key roles.  The addition of Michael Vick has helped give this team an identity, which mostly revolves around murdering defenseless animals.  Coach Derr just needs to find a duo of RB's that will give him some solid play week in and week out.  If he can find that Batman and Robin combo, he might be able to make a run towards the playoffs. 

7)  Madison Firebirds (405 total points) - this team has scored alot of points, almost half of which came in their only win.  That is the only reason they are not last on the list this week.  After this weekends........(insert synonym for pathetic here) game it is hard to imagine this team not being at the bottom of the barrel.  All that said, this team does have some real talent at the RB position.  In all reality though, this team will be a bottom feeder all season long unless they can find some QB help.

8)  Madison Chupacabras (325 total points) - there is no easy way to say this, they suck.  Not only do they have the least amount of points scored, they also have had the least amount of points scored against them (405).  Now they did get a win this weekend, but it was mostly because of the help they got from the Firebirds not anything they did to win.  It's hard to win games when one QB is the town drunk and the other is Lord of the pussies. 

This photo of a dead chupacabra should give everyone a pretty good idea of what I think about our number 8 team.  If I could have found one being shot in the face from point-blank range with a sawed off shotgun, I would have picked that one.  This was great!  Talk to everybody in about 4 weeks.

Cheers,

Squeak

Madison Establishes Itself As Worst Football City In America - Week 4

article by: John Travolta

     Going in to last nights disgusting excuse for a football game, I tried to envision what I would write about today.  It looked like the Rainbows would remain undefeated, barring some sort of miracle.  The Madison teams could not decide amongst themselves who could be worse on the fottball field.  Clams getting humped into submission on the East coast, and finally the eternal battle between poop and blacks.  What is a famous movie star/journalist to focus on?  Then I remembered that on Saturday, the Wisconsin Badgers went out and laid an enormous dookie on the field against Michigan State.  Just like that I had the focus of this weeks review:  Madison was the Worst Football City in America this Weekend.

     As I prepared for last nights game, in my brain it was a foregone conclusion that the Fire-Crotches would be able to come back and at least make it a game.  With the Chupacabras all out of players, but the Fire's having 3 game changers in action, one could only assume this would be a nail bitter.  In actuality, it was the exact opposite.  Randy Moss, Wes Welker, and Ronnie Brown combined for a limp dicked 11 points.  This to me was more than enough to declare Madison the most pathetic football town around, then I looked even deeper. 

That about sums it up!!

     This week the Fire-Nuts had not one, but TWO players not score a single point.  On the Chupacabra side of the bench, not a single WR on the team caught a touchdown pass.  In fact both teams WR's were outscored by their defense!!  Raging alcoholic Jay Cutler out did himself this week, putting up a scrotum numbing -3 points.  Not only are these numbers accurate, but they happened in the same game.  If this was a college bowl game it would have been called, "The Justin Bieber Who Gives A Shit Bowl". 

     I would like to make a bold statement, if I could:  This game was worse than Battlefield Earth. Have you ever felt like the main character in A Clockwork Orange?  You know, where they pry your eye lids open and then force you to watch disturbing images.  That sounds like a vacation comapred to the atrocities I encountered in Madison this weekend.  I will leave this last question to you, was this game worse than "The Tie"?  Only history can know for sure. 

Week 4 Re-Cap

CYO    vs.    Rainbows
109                   101

     This was a game that looked like a done deal.  Coach Cozine had his boys way out in front, but he did not take in to account the blocked punt, blocked field goal (for a TD), interceptions (1 TD return), a few sacks, and 39 big points from the CYO defense.  Coach Cozine even used a challenge, which was the first one in league history.  After review, the points on the field stood and the CYO's walked away with a miraculous win on Monday night.
     I spoke with coach Derr after the game, "I am a man of few words, and this is no exception."  Cozine could not be reached for comment through his avalanche of gay tears.


Humpers    vs.    Clams
  130                     85

     This game was never close, so I stopped watching after Arian Foster scored 30 points in just 2 and a half quarters of football.  Peyton Manning did everything in his power to keep his team close, but his WR's just could not help him out mustering a taint piercing 9 points.  Early in the season this Clam team seemed to be a front runner for the title, but now they are starting to show some weaknesses.......mostly on the coaching staff.  Louis Murphy got the start for the Clams, although no one told him until the game was already over.
     Coach Olsen had this to say about his teams victory, "We really humped those clams good.  I have never had clam chowder this satisfying.  Todays win was all about sticking with the guys you know can score points.  Sounds simple, but obviously some other coaches did not get the memo.  Better luck next time losers!!"  Who doesn't love a good chowder?


Blacks    vs.    Dingle Poops
  136                      120

     In the only real contest this week, the blackies squeaked by the always scary skid marks of Chicago.  How could we have had a game like this on the same weekend we had that eye rape going on in Madison?  Really strong performances from both teams, but this game was won in the Tight End.  Antonio Gates' 26 points literally made the difference, he outscored Vernon Davis by 17 points.  The only real boner on either side of the ball, was the 77 year old Hines Ward who put up 1 point. 
     Neither coach could be reached for comment since no one has seen them since moments after the game.  Many sources are reporting they have been on a mission to eat at every Hooters restaurant in the continental United States.  This reporter seems to think men's bath houses is more likely than Hooters, but hey you gotta love who you love.  Best of luck to you both on your homo-erotic quest.


Fuckbirds    vs.    Chode Suckers
Not enough             Finally!!

     See above for more details.  All I will say is, Congrats to the Chupas for getting their first victory of the year.  For now they are not my whipping boys, guess who is Fire-Fucks?!?!?!!?!?!  This game made me want to kill a kitten.


 

     Here is your picture of the smoking hot Ines Sainz.  Have any of you ever wondered why she made such a big deal about her time with the Jets?  Do you really think that any woman is going to be comfortable in a room with 53 naked black men?  Next time you want to feel comfortable, stay on the sidelines where everyone is clothed.  Or, just get your ass back in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.  See you all next week!!