Head Coach of Seattle Tree Humpers
Blog Contributor
I am very excited this week, as I have my friend Lou Olsen in my office for an interview. Lou is the kind of guy who will come in with very little notice do an interview to help out his friend. Especially after said friend sent out an invitation to the entire league, inviting all of them to have a free interview with
R.L: Lou, I have to talk to you about "The Tie". What the fuck?
L.O: What is there to say really, it was something that I wish I could make un-happen. If a scientist told me that by putting an earwig inside of my ear the earwig would nest in my skull forever, but I would forget that game....... well, I would consider it.
R.L: Now the man responsible for that tie, Kicker Garrett Heartley is no longer on your roster. Did his role in "The Tie" play a part in your decision to release him?
L.O: No. I just wanted him to make more kicks. That guy missed a 29 yard field goal...............that played a part in our decision.
R.L: Now I want to talk about something a little less comfortable. What happened with Carson Palmer?
L.O: Ryan, I think that Carson is a good man. If he took football as seriously as he did his knitting, the man would be unstoppable. He knitted me a sweater for every month of the year........he was on the team for 2 weeks. That's 6 sweaters a week, which ironically is about how many points he scores a week. I wish him the best in all his endeavors, that involve knitting.
R.L: How do you think he is going to fit into the Chupacabra offense?
L.O: Well, the good news there is that he will not make them worse. He brings a great deal of leadership, heart, and not alot of football talent to the Chupacabra table. When you have Caoch Tyson on here, you should ask him how many sweaters he has.
R.L: I most certainly will. Lou, can you share with me what you were thinking when you allowed Amazon to slap advertisements all over our precious Blog?
L.O: Wow Ryan. I thought we were friends.
L.O: OK, but will you not put it in the article?
R.L: Of course. (Never trust Ryan Leaf)
L.O: Well, I got so caught up in how cool it would be to have a corporation pay me to write my Blog. Now I have come to realize that I only get paid if people visit the Amazon through the links on my page. I am fairly certain that no one will do that, so now I just feel kind of stupid about it. But, rather than letting it be the elephant in the room, I am just going to enjoy it. It is still kind of cool that they sought me out though. Do you know what it feels like to be number 1, Ryan?
R.L: Fuck you Lou. You're lucky you pay me in Vicodin other wise I would quit, right here in the middle of your interview...........I need that Vicodin though. So, let's move on. Recently the Commissioner has been under fire from the coaches for his firm stance on paying dues. Where do you stand on the matter?
L.O: I can see both arguments, but after hearing Coach Cozine's story about last season ,we can not afford to take any chances.
R.L: Now, do you trust the Commissioner to hold the money? I mean, he being a ginger and all.
L.O: Yes, why would him being a ginger matter? Oh, you are thinking of a Jew Ryan.
R.L: You know what, you are right. I was totally thinking of a Jew, isn't it weird how that happens?
L.O: Not really, you are just sort of an anti-Semite. Everyone knows that.
R.L: OK coach, last question before the questionnaire. Now, we all know your dog Walter by now. He picks the winners every week in, "Wally Picks A Winner". Is it true that your wife, unbeknownst to you, got him a casting agent and he now has a casting call on Monday?
L.O: Who did you hear that from?
R.L: ................will you be mad if I say your wife?
L.O: Not really. I mean I will be mad at her that she told you that, out of anger I might knock her down a flight of stairs, but no I am not upset with you. Umm, yes that is true. My dog has a casting call to be in a print add, that he got through his agent........whom we pay.
R.L: Your life really sucks. And that is coming from me, so you are just sad. Ok. And at last our questionnaire, which I stole from James Lipton, who stole it from Bernard Pivot, who really stole it from Marcel Proust.
What is your favorite word?
L.O: Tit-willow
R.L: What is your least favorite word?
L.O: Endodontist
R.L: What turns you on?
L.O: Sluts
R.L: What turns you off?
L.O: Santa Claus
R.L: What is your favorite curse word?
L.O: Horse Shit!!!!
R.L: What sound or noise do you love?
L.O: The sound of my wife not talking.
R.L: What sound or noise do you hate?
L.O: The sound of my wife talking.
R.L: What profession other than your own would you like to attepmt?
L.O: Animal Talent Agent
R.L: What profession would you not like to do?
L.O: Proctologist
R.L: If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
L.O: Up here, there is no Herpes.......even for Sweeney.
R.L: Finally, if there is no heaven and you are reincarnated as some other plant or animal, what would it be?
L.O: A domesticated dog, living at my parents house. That is what people talk about when they say, "The Good Life".
R.L: Anything else you would like to add?
L.O: Someone please volunteer for an interview next week.
What did I learn about my friend Lou today? Sometimes he can be a real son of a bitch. That aside, he is the kind of mine who embraces change and loves sluts. This may be a monster of the gridiron and a lyrical wordsmith, but he is a simple man. He has a wife whom he hates, a dog wanting to be a celebrity, and a rabbit who could not care less about anything. Isn't that really all our lives, doesn't that make Lou Olsen just another asshole. Well, if he is an asshole, he is my kind of asshole. See you all next week.
No comments:
Post a Comment