Madison Establishes Itself As Worst Football City In America - Week 4

article by: John Travolta

     Going in to last nights disgusting excuse for a football game, I tried to envision what I would write about today.  It looked like the Rainbows would remain undefeated, barring some sort of miracle.  The Madison teams could not decide amongst themselves who could be worse on the fottball field.  Clams getting humped into submission on the East coast, and finally the eternal battle between poop and blacks.  What is a famous movie star/journalist to focus on?  Then I remembered that on Saturday, the Wisconsin Badgers went out and laid an enormous dookie on the field against Michigan State.  Just like that I had the focus of this weeks review:  Madison was the Worst Football City in America this Weekend.

     As I prepared for last nights game, in my brain it was a foregone conclusion that the Fire-Crotches would be able to come back and at least make it a game.  With the Chupacabras all out of players, but the Fire's having 3 game changers in action, one could only assume this would be a nail bitter.  In actuality, it was the exact opposite.  Randy Moss, Wes Welker, and Ronnie Brown combined for a limp dicked 11 points.  This to me was more than enough to declare Madison the most pathetic football town around, then I looked even deeper. 

That about sums it up!!

     This week the Fire-Nuts had not one, but TWO players not score a single point.  On the Chupacabra side of the bench, not a single WR on the team caught a touchdown pass.  In fact both teams WR's were outscored by their defense!!  Raging alcoholic Jay Cutler out did himself this week, putting up a scrotum numbing -3 points.  Not only are these numbers accurate, but they happened in the same game.  If this was a college bowl game it would have been called, "The Justin Bieber Who Gives A Shit Bowl". 

     I would like to make a bold statement, if I could:  This game was worse than Battlefield Earth. Have you ever felt like the main character in A Clockwork Orange?  You know, where they pry your eye lids open and then force you to watch disturbing images.  That sounds like a vacation comapred to the atrocities I encountered in Madison this weekend.  I will leave this last question to you, was this game worse than "The Tie"?  Only history can know for sure. 

Week 4 Re-Cap

CYO    vs.    Rainbows
109                   101

     This was a game that looked like a done deal.  Coach Cozine had his boys way out in front, but he did not take in to account the blocked punt, blocked field goal (for a TD), interceptions (1 TD return), a few sacks, and 39 big points from the CYO defense.  Coach Cozine even used a challenge, which was the first one in league history.  After review, the points on the field stood and the CYO's walked away with a miraculous win on Monday night.
     I spoke with coach Derr after the game, "I am a man of few words, and this is no exception."  Cozine could not be reached for comment through his avalanche of gay tears.


Humpers    vs.    Clams
  130                     85

     This game was never close, so I stopped watching after Arian Foster scored 30 points in just 2 and a half quarters of football.  Peyton Manning did everything in his power to keep his team close, but his WR's just could not help him out mustering a taint piercing 9 points.  Early in the season this Clam team seemed to be a front runner for the title, but now they are starting to show some weaknesses.......mostly on the coaching staff.  Louis Murphy got the start for the Clams, although no one told him until the game was already over.
     Coach Olsen had this to say about his teams victory, "We really humped those clams good.  I have never had clam chowder this satisfying.  Todays win was all about sticking with the guys you know can score points.  Sounds simple, but obviously some other coaches did not get the memo.  Better luck next time losers!!"  Who doesn't love a good chowder?


Blacks    vs.    Dingle Poops
  136                      120

     In the only real contest this week, the blackies squeaked by the always scary skid marks of Chicago.  How could we have had a game like this on the same weekend we had that eye rape going on in Madison?  Really strong performances from both teams, but this game was won in the Tight End.  Antonio Gates' 26 points literally made the difference, he outscored Vernon Davis by 17 points.  The only real boner on either side of the ball, was the 77 year old Hines Ward who put up 1 point. 
     Neither coach could be reached for comment since no one has seen them since moments after the game.  Many sources are reporting they have been on a mission to eat at every Hooters restaurant in the continental United States.  This reporter seems to think men's bath houses is more likely than Hooters, but hey you gotta love who you love.  Best of luck to you both on your homo-erotic quest.


Fuckbirds    vs.    Chode Suckers
Not enough             Finally!!

     See above for more details.  All I will say is, Congrats to the Chupas for getting their first victory of the year.  For now they are not my whipping boys, guess who is Fire-Fucks?!?!?!!?!?!  This game made me want to kill a kitten.


 

     Here is your picture of the smoking hot Ines Sainz.  Have any of you ever wondered why she made such a big deal about her time with the Jets?  Do you really think that any woman is going to be comfortable in a room with 53 naked black men?  Next time you want to feel comfortable, stay on the sidelines where everyone is clothed.  Or, just get your ass back in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.  See you all next week!!