Power Rankings Through Week 4

ranked by:  Squeak "Little Bitch" Scolari

That's me in the middle

     Wow, I am really excited to get this chance to do something great.  Most of you will remember me from the movie BASEketball.  While others of you have no fucking clue who I am.  Little did you know that I am a fantasy football expert, who has been contracted to do power rankings every four weeks.  Plus I have been given some artistic liberties over my articles, because I am not a litttle bitch. 


POWER RANKINGS:

1)  Rochester Rainbows (472 total points) - this is a well coached team under Dan Cozine.  This team has the deepest bench in the league at almost every offensive position, specifically missionary.  Even though they suffered their first loss this weekend, that game seemed like the Rainbows got out-lucked instead of out-played.  Look for them to continue to dominate until further notice. 

2)  Affirmative Blacktion (520 total points) - the Dark Knights are the highest scoring team in the league, but have had some rough breaks.  Of course "The Tie" was a hard anal suppository to swallow, but the 9 point loss in the season opener to the Rainbows is what has landed them in 2nd on our list.  While his RB's leave a little to be desired, their QB's are top notch and can beat you all by themselves. 

3)  Chicago Dingleberries (479 total points) - even after losing two in a row, I still think this is the team to beat in the Eastern division.  Consistency is the key to them holding the division lead, it also could not hurt for them to try and find some stability at WR.  Coach Kinzie has done a great job of instilling his ginger rage into his team, both on and off the football field.   This is a team that should have no problem getting a playoff berth.   

4)  Seattle Tree Humpers (468 total points) - these dirty hippies are not doing anything too terribly special to win games.  Arian Foster has been a blessing for his coach (and member of the master race) Lou Olsen, already putting up 93 points in just four games.  The trade of Carson Palmer has also seemed to help the team from a chemistry stand point.  This is a playoff team, but not in the same class as the Gays and the Blacks.

5)  Washington D.C. Clam Faces (434 total points) - Coach Sweeney has made it known that he is disgusted with the play of his WR's.  On the flip side, he has three of the best TE's in the game.  If this teams want to keep pace in teh East, he needs to parlay a trade of one of his tight asses for a solid WR to go along side Brandon Marshall.  This team could also use a mascot overhaul, because teams don't win championships.....mascots do.

6)  Choke You Out (416 total points) - this is a team with a lot of unproven players in key roles.  The addition of Michael Vick has helped give this team an identity, which mostly revolves around murdering defenseless animals.  Coach Derr just needs to find a duo of RB's that will give him some solid play week in and week out.  If he can find that Batman and Robin combo, he might be able to make a run towards the playoffs. 

7)  Madison Firebirds (405 total points) - this team has scored alot of points, almost half of which came in their only win.  That is the only reason they are not last on the list this week.  After this weekends........(insert synonym for pathetic here) game it is hard to imagine this team not being at the bottom of the barrel.  All that said, this team does have some real talent at the RB position.  In all reality though, this team will be a bottom feeder all season long unless they can find some QB help.

8)  Madison Chupacabras (325 total points) - there is no easy way to say this, they suck.  Not only do they have the least amount of points scored, they also have had the least amount of points scored against them (405).  Now they did get a win this weekend, but it was mostly because of the help they got from the Firebirds not anything they did to win.  It's hard to win games when one QB is the town drunk and the other is Lord of the pussies. 

This photo of a dead chupacabra should give everyone a pretty good idea of what I think about our number 8 team.  If I could have found one being shot in the face from point-blank range with a sawed off shotgun, I would have picked that one.  This was great!  Talk to everybody in about 4 weeks.

Cheers,

Squeak