Clam Faces, Rainbows in First Place at the Half Way Point - Week 6 Review

article by: John Travolta

     This weekend we had two games seperated by less than a touchdown!!  Has our league become so much like the NFL that no one is really better than anyone else?  Naturally, there will always be bottom feeders(both located in Madison).  Even those guys are going to get lucky from time to time, like I did when I landed that role in Pulp Fiction.  My career was as bad as the Chpacabras, but then Tarantino came a calling.  Maybe Coach Tyson should give Quentin the starting QB job, anything has to be better than that stable of feces he's rolling out right now. 

     To follow up on last weeks article, the NFL is investigating Brett Favre's penis.  I have no doubt they will find the penis.  My biggest concern is, what will his punishment be, from both the league and Coach Cozine?  We all know that the coach is fairly fond of the male genetalia, but even he must see how this is affecting his team.  He would have dropped his third game in a row this weekend, had it not been for Chris Johnson's late 4th quarter touchdown run.  At this point you have to wonder if it is even worth keeping Favre on the roster.  When I think about all of the gay youths of America looking up to this team, Favre's blatent display of heterosexuality makes me sick and is a major set back in the Gay Football Movement. 

    On a straighter note, the Shit Storms drop another game at home to the Pelvic Thrusters.  This was the game of the week for me.  Feel free to disagree, but I think the evidence will speak for itself.  The matchup was so even, that the ESPN predictor thought the game would end in a tie!  Can you imagine another tie at the hands of those hippies from Seattle?  In the end this game was won because of big plays, which plays into the Humpers strength.  Chicago is a very solid and consistent team, but that can backfire against explosive offensive teams.  The Crap Clingers do not need to hit the panic button just yet, but next weeks game against the Rainbows is a must win for Coach Cha Cha.

     The D.C Clams have really rebounded from the sodomy they endured two weeks ago at Clark Sweeney Memorial Stadium.  Yesterday they won their first game in the newly constructed, Tractor Trailer Stadium.  This game certainly looked to favor the Black Licorices, having won 3 straight games coming into D.C.  Are the Clams better than we thought?  Or is the lack of a top tier team enabling them to hang tough with everyone?  I do not have answers to either of those questions.  It is pretty safe to assume that they will roll to their 3rd straight victory next week, when they head to Madison to play the Chump-acabras.


Week 6 Re-Cap


Chupas    vs    CYO
   78                  112

     Having Ben "Public Bathroom Rapist" Roethlisberger back, reallly made no difference for the CYO's this week.  It could have been Lady Gaga at QB and odds are that the Choke Chains would have still won by at least 15 points.  This CYO team is much more solid with "The Rapist" under center, you can not underestimate the importance of a soild 25 point per week guy in this league.  If the Chupa-Cockras even had one of those guys they might not lose every game.  Let's leave it at this, the leading point scorer for the Cow Suckers was Alex Smith with 19 points.
     Coach Tyson spoke briefly after another wasted effort,

We suck, there it is.  Everyone happy that I put that out in the open.  This team has about as much fight as Michael J Fox in a wet paper bag.  You want some good news, I was sober for the first half.  At halftime Cutler and I pounded some Jack Daniels and the game became much easier to stomach........until I puked.  Not sure if the puke was alcohol induced, or team induced.

Rainbows    vs    Firebirds
     97                        94

     You want to talk about getting lucky, Chris Johnson racked up 12 fantasy points in the last 5 minutes of regulation.  Earlier in the day I honestly thought the Firebirds had pulled to .500 on the season.  Which was mind blowing, especially since I pretty much left them for dead two weeks ago.  If not for the Titans refusal to take out Johnson late in the game, while up by 20 points, the Rainbows would have dropped to 3-3.  3 weeks into the season it looked like the Homo Heroes where going to be unstoppable, but now they are just another stop on the West Wilson Street mediocre railroad.  Granted, they are back in first place in the West but the Black Belts and Tree Sexers are only a half game back.

     Coach Cozine spoke to me right outside the locker room:

 Really dodged a bullet tooday!!  After a win like this you can only hope that it gets your guys back on track.  This week I tried showing them pictures of other men's "Firemen" in order to get the vision of Favre's willy out of their minds.  Reverse penial psychology.  With this team it is a real challenge to get the thought of a man's bulging member out of their heads.  So, we decided to embrace it.  We will just keep chipping away at Favre's cock, until it is nothing but a  faint memory.

Blackies    vs    Clams
    100                   111

     In the inaugural game at Tractor Trailer Stadium, the Clams sent all 3 of the home fans out happy.  This game could have easily gone the other way, but Coach Craig's receiving core just could not get the job done.  TE Antonio Gates with 1 point and Hakeem Nicks with 0 points set the tone to a 20 point total performance from 4 players.  Meanwhile the Clamsters receivers put up 38  points on the day.  A scary moment for the Clam Cakes though, as #2 QB Shaun Hill broke his forearm late in the 2nd quarter.  Fortunately for Coach Sweeney, he has Peyton Manning.  This game along with a Dingleberry loss, puts the Clams alone in first place in the East.
     Coach Sweeney wore his pride on his sleeve last night:

 I can not believe that we are better than that ginger snap.  In his defense, the Humpers kicked the piss out of me too.  What am I saying, who cares about that red pubed shit slapper!!  My team is just one of those teams that likes to take it up the ass every now and again to re-charge the batteries.  It feels really good to be on top for a change.  Historically I have always been a bottom, so this is all very new for me and I am going to enjoy it.

Humpers    vs    Dingles
   120                     115

     Close game.  This was another one where the receivers really hurt the Crap Clumps, only putting up a nipple pinching 7 points.  Meanwhile the big play driven Foliage Fuckers continue to live and die by these monster games.  Arian Foster continues to be the runaway fantasy player of the year, while Jennings and Wallace had huge days through the air.  The one thing that the Turds can hold their heads up about is consistency.  This team scores over 100 points week in and week out, without exception.  Sometimes it is hard to catch a break when you do not have those big play threats though. 
    Coach Chuck E Cheese after the tough loss:

Close only counts in horseshoes and handgrenades.  We did not get the job done today.  Our players never gave up, but sometimes that just is not enough.  I have been to easy on these guys the last few weeks, we are going to have to evoke that Ginger rage again if we want to get to that Championship game.  Olsen is a decent dude, for a member of the chosen race, and I have no doubt that we will have to see them again in the playoffs.  Hopefully by then we will know how to stop the barage of humping.  Hey, am I too tall for this?

     Another unpredictable week on West Wilson Street.  This week I was going to switch back to Ines Sainz since she turned down the cover of Playboy.  Then I realized that Brett Favre's penis was under investigation today, so we will be sticking with Jenn Sterger........who said yes to Playboy already!!  Have a great week everyone.