THE Interview with Ryan Leaf

this week:  Brain Sweeney
                 Head Coach of the Washington D.C Clam Faces



     What an amazing interview this week. I do not like to toot my own horn........oh hell, who am I kidding I fucking love to toot my horn.  This interview is so juicy and full of breaking news that if i keep talking about it I will spill the Vicodin......err, I mean beans.  Enjoy.............

R.L:  Brian, I have to ask this question first.  How do you feel about the stadium in Seattle being named after your father, Clark?

B.S:  Personally, I'm glad it wasn't me.  The thought of doing something like that is just too self-indulgent.  Like eating cotton candy for dinner.  I think that he did alot for the league and deserves to be honored as such, so I am glad it happened.  I don't think that I am supposed to be the one to spin his yarn.

R.L:  Well said.  Have you considered naming your stadium after his father Louis G Olsen, or maybe even his grandfather Louis V. Olsen?

B.S:  Ryan, we have been waiting for the right moment to announce this and I think this is that moment.  I have breaking news about the naming of Clam Face Stadium here in our nations capital.  Next Sunday will be the Inaugural game at, Tractor Trailer Stadium, which of course was Louis G Olsen's nickname.  Our goal was to honor his competitive spirit, not just his name. 

R.L:  That is a huge bombshell you just dropped coach.  Will Mr. Olsen be on hand for the game?

B.S:  Sadly no.  He has more important things to do.

R.L:  That makes sense.  Now coach, why in the name of God do you have so many Tight Ends on your roster?  You know that you can only play on per week right?

B.S:  This is very difficult.  I have a disease, it's called hoarding.  No matter how hard I try, I can not resist the urge to keep other people's trash.  The saddest part is that if I had more space I would probably take more.  If only I could start hoarding Wide Receiver's instead.  If anyone out there needs a TE, plus a garbage wide receiver they want to unload........you know how to find me.

R.L:  Lately you have been taking a great deal of abuse in the local media for your choice of mascot.  What is your response to the fans, who are fueling these fires?

B.S:  The truth is, fans do not understand the mascot because they do not know the story.  One night in Madison, I was over served at a local bar and eatery.  That night I happened to be out with Chupacabra coach Nic Tyson.  Nic began to attack me personally with his words, not with his fists because he is a floppy vagina.  In my intoxicated rage I spouted, "Your mother will have a beard when I am through with you clam face".  It doesn't make sense, but it is funny to me.  To answer your question, fuck the fans!

R.L:  Wow, that sounds like something I would say.  Well played coach.  Would you ever consider changing your mascot, perhaps to an actual clam?

B.S:  Clam Faces are not Clams, but their faces.

R.L:  Alright Brian, I would not be doing my job if I did not ask this next question.  Can you tell me about some of the tension between you and Commissioner Kinzie over the past few weeks?

B.S:  My problems with Chuck start with him being a Ginger.  A dirty ginger even.  They make up 3% of the population, but somehow the control the media, the fantasy football league, and all of the gay bath houses in San Fransisco.  He is the one picking the fights.  Every time I try to take the high road, he takes the ginger hard ass road.  All this over his stupid league dues, well he'll got his money.........at the deadline...........11:59 pm.  That's when you'll get your money you ginger bitch.

R.L:  Let's move on.  At one time you were a resident of Madison, the capital of Wisconsin.  What is your reaction to the string of Chupacabra assassinations going on throughout the greater Madison area?

B.S:  I am very partial to the Chupacabra, they are very beautiful creatures.  My only hope is that people will continue to let them live, because they are no threat to humans.  Just let them be, they only want to eat your live stock.

R.L:  Do you still enjoy generic fruit chews every now and again, especially after a good hooka session?

B.S:  No, I have really strayed from my roots.  The truth is I have been fruit chew free for at least the last decade.  I will have to check the Kenosha Pick-N-Save when I am there in a few weeks.  It is hard to explain the regret I feel about straying so far from my roots. 

R.L:  You are also a writer, from time to time.  Are you working on anything new and exciting?  I heard a rumor that you had an eye opening piece about feline AIDS, any truth to that?

B.S:  Not at all.  I do have an article hitting the presses this week about all natural medicines that cured a young child of cancer.

R.L:  I have to be honest with you, that sounds just awful. 

B.S:  Well, nobody cares what you think anyways.

R.L:  Too true coach, too true.  Let's have some fun for a second.  If you had to bet all of your girlfriends money on who will win the championship this year, who would it be?

B.S:  The Rainbows.  Cozine is sharp and has a solid team.  Naturally, I would prefer to win but when money is involved it changes your perspective.  My biggest concern about the Rainbows is their name.  How do you replace a name like the Jizz Bolts?  Maybe the worst coaching decision of all time.  Just because he did not get his precious money, he abandoned the team name that lead him to the championship.  The Jizz Bolts is an unstoppable name, one which inspires fear and disgust into it's opponents.  This new name might just be the chink in his armor, and one of us is going to be the archer with the golden arrow.

R.L:  What if it was your money?  Same answer?

B.S:  Then I would say Tree Humpers.  I am not kissing ass, just calling a spade a spade.  They flat out kicked my ass, and I am smart enough to know an ass-kicking is an ass-kicking.  They could really be a dark horse this year. 

R.L:  And at last we have come to our questionnaire.  Which I stole from James Lipton, who stole it from Bernard Pivot, who actually stole it from Marcel Proust.

What is your favorite word?

How tight is that end?

B.S:  Laser

R.L:  What is your least favorite word?

B.S:  Granny

R.L:  What turns you on?

B.S:  Electricity

R.L:  What turns you off?

B.S:  A giant Pubis Mons  (look it up, it's gross)

R.L:  What is your favorite curse word?

B.S:  Cuntmouth

R.L:  What sound or noise do you love?

B.S:  Double Bass Guitar

R.L:  What sound or noise do you hate?

B.S:  Blake's queefs

R.L:  What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

B.S:  Session Shredder

R.L:  What profession would you not like to attempt?

B.S:  A Gay Chemist Like Chuck

R.L:  If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

B.S:  You know, I would really prefer it if heaven didn't exist.

R.L:  Wonderful, last questions is right up your alley.  If there is no heaven and you are reincarnated as some other plant or animal, what would it be?

B.S:  A daffodil

R.L:  Thank you for your time today coach.

B.S:  Ryan, I would like to say something before we finish up.  Growing up my mother was a Chargers fan.  You suck so much balls.  In fact, it hurts my mouth to think about all the balls shoved in there.  If I ever see you on the street, I might just punch you straight in the dick. 


     Aside from that last little bit, this was an eye opening interview.  Coach Sweeney really opened up to us, and gave us some amazing stories.  From the new stadium, to his history with Commissioner Kinzie, and everything else in between, this was a terrific interview.  Please join me next week for a guest, who has not yet come forward.  We here at WWS Weekly have faith that one of you dick holes will step up and give us the amazing stories we have come to expect.  Don't forget to have your Chupacabras spade or neutered.  See you all next week.