THE Interview with Ryan Leaf

this week:  Coach Craig M
                 Head Coach of Affirmative Blacktion

 

Only known picture of Coach Muskmelons

     Where do I begin?  This is a man who has known persecution, retribution, and prostitution.  A man so important, he is the only coach who does not have to give his last name on the league website!  Since I do not know what it is, I will be making it up.  From know on I will refer to him as coach Muskmelons.

     Having never met Coach Muskmelons, I was a little disappointed that our interview was over the phone.  Still, he agreed to share some time with me during his 5 plus hour layover.  I was more nervous for this interview than any other interview I have done.  Mostly because I knew that he was a minority, but also because we had never even spoken before.  He taught me so much in such a short amount of time, not only about the game but about life, love, and firearms.  Enjoy..........


R.L:  Coach M(uskmelons), tell me about the team name.  Where did it come from?  Or maybe, what was your inspiration?

C.M:  It really all stems from my grandfather, Jackie Robinson.  I felt that it would give my team a strong underdog mentality.  Plus, I couldn't name the team Obama.

R.L:  Where you trying to be a dirty reverse racist?

C.M:  The truth is, you just can't teach that.  It's just instinct I guess.

R.L:  Let's talk about "The Tie".  We have talked with the Commissioner and Coach Olsen about it, but what are your thoughts on that day?

C.M:  Ryan, it was an atrocity!!  I really wish that Commissioner Chuck would have stepped up to the occasion, but instead he chose to Ginger up to the occasion!!  Anything would have been better; a fight to the death, a coin toss, jousting, chubby bunny, fucking anything.  To score 139 points and get nothing out of it is just...................I think the police are following me through the airport.

R.L:  Brother, I have been there.  Just sit down in the food court, try to blend in. 

What is your history with the Commissioner like?  I know that he and coach Sweeney have a rough past, does that carry over to you as well?

C.M:  Chuck and I have a special kind of love.  We both are Cubs fans, our love of the Cubs gives us a special bond.  When you have thrown your hat at a television in anger together as many times as we have, it takes alot more than 10 dollars to split you apart. 

R.L: Craig, I understand you make your home in Alaska.  Is it hard to get laid by something that is not a bear?

C.M:  Nothing a little razor can't handle.

R.L: (pause)  How does the "slow game" work in Alaska?

C.M:  Time really plays into Alaska.  It was built for the "slow game".  Use winter to prepare, then when all the old ladies get off the cruise ship there you are.  There really is no better place for me.

R.L:  Does your team even have a field, or do you just sort of walk out to.....anywhere in Alaska and draw out football lines?

C.M:  Mostly we have success with alleys.  The problem is finding a flat 100 yards in Alaska.  The occasional parking lot works pretty well.

R.L:  Why on earth would you move from America to Alaska?

C.M:  Mostly for the effectiveness of the "slow game" mentality.  It is way more effective up there.  Plus I can carry a gun and nobody cares.

R.L:  I would like to switch gears for a second.  Have you ever been the victim of blacksploitation?

C.M:  Everyday of my life.  That's the reason I got the worst room in the house back in college.  I'll admit, it has gotten better with Obama around.

R.L:  Craig, have you heard the reports this week that I took money from an agent in my last two years of college.  If you have heard them, do you think they are true?

C.M:  No, I didn't hear that.  I heard you tried to solicit sex from some massage therapists, and then sent a picture of your dick to some dark haired chick with huge chesticles.

R.L:  Ummmmm..........yea, that was me.  I totally did that.

Hey Craig, if you were Plaxico Burress would you have kept a loaded gun that close to your penis?

C.M:  Never.  Then again as a black man it's hard not to.

R.L:  Follow-up on that last question, have you ever wore sweatpants into a night club before?

C.M:  Only every day for four years, at the finest collegiate institution in these United States, the University of Wisconsin.

R.L:  Would you ever send a picture of your penis to a former Playboy centerfold?

C.M:  No, they usually come over for that show.  I would consider it after a few years of giving her the "slow game".  Or if a gun went off in my pants at a nightclub, I might send her a picture to say, "Hey look, I missed it!!"

R.L:  Is there a team in this league that you are afraid to play?

C.M:  None of them.  My team is the best.

R.L:  That brings us to our questionnaire.  Which I stole from James Lipton, who stole it from Bernard Pivot, who actually stole it from Marcel Proust.

What is your favorite word?

C.M: Saucy

R.L:  What is your least favorite word?

C.M:  Scott

R.L:  What turns you on?

C.M:  Sweeney's Island Bash

R.L:  What turns you off?

C.M:  Clark Sweeney selling the island

R.L:  What is your favorite curse word?

C.M:  Cunt rag

R.L:  What sound or noise do you love?

C.M:  The Muffin Mix

R.L:  What sound or noise do you hate?

C.M:  The sound of Tyson's mom calling my name

R.L:  What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

C.M:  Male Stripper

R.L:  What profession would you not like to attempt?

C.M:  Working for an Alaskan Cruise Line

R.L:  If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

C.M:  Oh me, not you.  Security please.

R.L:  If there is no heaven and you are reincarnated as some other plant or animal, what would it be?

C.M:  A fox who is faster than a flash


     What else is there to say?  Truly a god amongst meer mortals.  How could I possibly continue to deliver breath taking interviews over and over again?  Well, I'm Ryan Leaf.  And for the record, it was Brett Favre who solicited sex from those massage therapists.  But as my old agent used to say, no publicity is bad publicity.  See you all next week.

Leaf, out!