I Am Not Smart - Retracting My Apology

by: Lou Olsen

     I would like to retract my apology for allowing Amazon to have advertisements on the Blog.  Turns out I get paid $0.04 every time someone views the Blog.  The way my "contract" read, made it seem like I only received compensation if you viewed the Amazon website through my Blog.  I receive an additional amount for everytime this happens. 

     Basically, I am not sorry now.  At the current pace, through one month, I will make a staggering $6.00 by the time January rolls around.  Now you have all the facts.  I would wish you all luck today, but since you are all dirty butt slut pirates, I will not. 

THE Interview with Ryan Leaf

this week:  Lou Olsen
                 Head Coach of Seattle Tree Humpers
                 Blog Contributor


    I am very excited this week, as I have my friend Lou Olsen in my office for an interview.  Lou is the kind of guy who will come in with very little notice do an interview to help out his friend.  Especially after said friend sent out an invitation to the entire league, inviting all of them to have a free interview with Ryan Leaf  Lou   me.  You know who you are, bastards.  If you want to make it up to me, let's do an interview......or you can purchase this fabulous Ryan Leaf Starting Lineup action figure.  Which is on sale right now at the home of our new sponsor, Amazon.com.


R.L:  Lou, I have to talk to you about "The Tie".  What the fuck?

L.O:  What is there to say really, it was something that I wish I could make un-happen.  If a scientist told me that by putting an earwig inside of my ear the earwig would nest in my skull forever, but I would forget that game.......  well, I would consider it.

R.L:  Now the man responsible for that tie, Kicker Garrett Heartley is no longer on your roster.  Did his role in "The Tie"  play a part in your decision to release him?

L.O:  No.  I just wanted him to make more kicks.  That guy missed a 29 yard field goal...............that played a part in our decision.

R.L:  Now I want to talk about something a little less comfortable.  What happened with Carson Palmer?

L.O:  Ryan, I think that Carson is a good man.  If he took football as seriously as he did his knitting, the man would be unstoppable.  He knitted me a sweater for every month of the year........he was on the team for 2 weeks.  That's 6 sweaters a week, which ironically is about how many points he scores a week.  I wish him the best in all his endeavors, that involve knitting.

R.L:  How do you think he is going to fit into the Chupacabra offense?

L.O:  Well, the good news there is that he will not make them worse.  He brings a great deal of leadership, heart, and not alot of football talent to the Chupacabra table.  When you have Caoch Tyson on here, you should ask him how many sweaters he has. 

R.L:  I most certainly will.  Lou, can you share with me what you were thinking when you allowed Amazon to slap advertisements all over our precious Blog?

L.O:  Wow Ryan.  I thought we were friends.

R.L:  Friends can talk about these things, right?

L.O:  OK, but will you not put it in the article?

R.L:  Of course.  (Never trust Ryan Leaf)

L.O:  Well, I got so caught up in how cool it would be to have a corporation pay me to write my Blog.  Now I have come to realize that I only get paid if people visit the Amazon through the links on my page.  I am fairly certain that no one will do that, so now I just feel kind of stupid about it.  But, rather than letting it be the elephant in the room, I am just going to enjoy it.  It is still kind of cool that they sought me out though.  Do you know what it feels like to be number 1, Ryan?

R.L:  Fuck you Lou.  You're lucky you pay me in Vicodin other wise I would quit, right here in the middle of your interview...........I need that Vicodin though.  So, let's move on.  Recently the Commissioner has been under fire from the coaches for his firm stance on paying dues.  Where do you stand on the matter?

L.O:   I can see both arguments, but after hearing Coach Cozine's story about last season ,we can not afford to take any chances. 

R.L:  Now, do you trust the Commissioner to hold the money?  I mean, he being a ginger and all.

L.O:  Yes, why would him being a ginger matter?  Oh, you are thinking of a Jew Ryan.

R.L:  You know what, you are right.  I was totally thinking of a Jew, isn't it weird how that happens?

L.O:  Not really, you are just sort of an anti-Semite.  Everyone knows that.

R.L:  OK coach, last question before the questionnaire.  Now, we all know your dog Walter by now.  He picks the winners every week in, "Wally Picks A Winner".  Is it true that your wife, unbeknownst to you, got him a casting agent and he now has a casting call on Monday?

L.O:  Who did you hear that from?

R.L:  ................will you be mad if I say your wife?

L.O:  Not really.  I mean I will be mad at her that she told you that, out of anger I might knock her down a flight of stairs, but no I am not upset with you.  Umm, yes that is true.  My dog has a casting call to be in a print add, that he got through his agent........whom we pay.

R.L:  Your life really sucks.  And that is coming from me, so you are just sad.  Ok.  And at last our questionnaire, which I stole from James Lipton, who stole it from Bernard Pivot, who really stole it from Marcel Proust.

What is your favorite word?

L.O:  Tit-willow

R.L:  What is your least favorite word?

L.O:  Endodontist

R.L:  What turns you on?

L.O:  Sluts

R.L:  What turns you off?

L.O:  Santa Claus

R.L:  What is your favorite curse word?

L.O:  Horse Shit!!!!

R.L:  What sound or noise do you love?

L.O:  The sound of my wife not talking.

R.L:  What sound or noise do you hate?

L.O:  The sound of my wife talking.

R.L:  What profession other than your own would you like to attepmt?

L.O:  Animal Talent Agent

R.L:  What profession would you not like to do?

L.O:  Proctologist

R.L:  If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

L.O:  Up here, there is no Herpes.......even for Sweeney.

R.L:  Finally, if there is no heaven and you are reincarnated as some other plant or animal, what would it be?

L.O:  A domesticated dog, living at my parents house.  That is what people talk about when they say, "The Good Life".

R.L:  Anything else you would like to add?

L.O:  Someone please volunteer for an interview next week.

     What did I learn about my friend Lou today?  Sometimes he can be a real son of a bitch.  That aside, he is the kind of mine who embraces change and loves sluts.  This may be a monster of the gridiron and a lyrical wordsmith, but he is a simple man.  He has a wife whom he hates, a dog wanting to be a celebrity, and a rabbit who could not care less about anything.  Isn't that really all our lives, doesn't that make Lou Olsen just another asshole.  Well, if he is an asshole, he is my kind of asshole.  See you all next week.

 

Wally Picks A Winner - Week 4

article by: Lou Olsen

     Wally did a lot better this week.  He posted a .500 record going 2-2, and is now an unimpressive 2-5-1.  That dog of mine was all fired up this week when I reached for the ceremonial "Wally Picks A Winner" papers.  He knows how important it is that he makes good picks here in order to get back on track.  Without further bullshit from me:

Wally's Picks

Chupacabras at the Firebirds

     Wally Says:  Firebirds

Blacktion at the Dingleberries

     Wally Says:  Blacktion

Rainbows at the CYO

     Wally Says:  Rainbows

Humpers at the Clam Faces

     Wally Says:  Clam Faces

    

     Let's hope that the dog is wrong, because if I lose to Sweeney I will not be able to show my face in my own house.  Your mascot has a skull for a ......face, a skull is not a Clam.  Why is your mascot so confusing?  I am gonna hump your skull face in all 6 holes, maybe twice. 

 

I Have Sold Out - My Public Apology

article by: Lou Olsen

     Gentlemen, you may have noticed that Iron Man 2 is on sale right now off to my right.  For this I apologize, my original choice was "The Bridges of Madison County".  While some of you may be disappointed, others of you will simply not care.  This is a greedy jew trick.  I acknowledge, that by allowing them to plaster crap just to the right and at the bottom of the blog page looks kind of tacky.  This afternoon when I received an e-mail from Amazon asking me if I wanted to advertise for them, with compensation involved, I naturally was giddy.  Blindly I agreed to let this happen.

     Please do not let this affect your enjoyment of this literary outsource for all things West Wilson Street.  Simply ignore the advertisements, in fact one of them is all the way at the bottom so you may never see it.  I receive nothing if you guys do not visit the Amazon.com site through the BLOG.  If not for yourselves, then do it out of spite for me. 

     On a side note, in the e-mail they said we had 150 web views in a three week period.  I am flattered gentlemen.  Brian...............article. 

Your Humble Jew,

Lou

Rainbows Unvail New Ladies NFL Line

article by: Elton John


     Early this morning, a new era of fashion began.  Dan Cozine unvailed the new line of NFL products for women, with 20 of his players modeling the outfits for the intimate crowd.  Alyssa Milano was right by Mr. Cozine's side to unveil many of her own designs.  "It was great working with Daniel, he is so sensitive and has such an amazing knowledge of women's fashion.  I used to find myself wondering if maybe he was a woman in another life.  Then we had sex, so......now I am just sort of confused."

     The gala began, as these things often do, with superb drinks and lovely conversation.  As a I talked tight ends with Brett Favre, a small table caught my eye off in the corner of the room.  Several stunning gals were hovering around this table.  I had to see for myself.  Fighting through the crowd I got a little sneaky peek of a lighted mirror, and thought I saw some powder in the air.  Then I saw it..............

     Exactly what you see, is what I saw....as well.  Steelers nail polish, hand lotion, bath salts, and an absolutely amazing brown sugar face scrub.  How could a straight (supposedly) man come up with such an amazing line of make-up for the NFL goin' gal?  I do not actually have an answer, it was more rhetorical.  My hopes for the next part of the show could not be higher.

     They filtered everyone in to a tiny dark room, the seating was very unique for a fashion show.  There were four alley ways in the corners, as chairs filled the room accept for a small square in the center.  Very similar to a football stadium perhaps?  I don't know, I never watch the sport.  All at once the lights began to flash and Journey blared through the room.  Don't Stop Believing......I think, could have been Faithfully......I don't know Journey.  I met Steve Perry in a rest stop bathroom once, totally by accident.

     All of a sudden Tom Brady comes strutting down the alley towards my right side, when he reached the center he struck a pose.  BAM!!  The cutest pilate's pants with giant Patriots symbol across the booty.  They fit him like a sexy satin glove.  From there it was just a barrage of sexy man meat in fabulous NFL licensed products, products specifically designed for a woman.  What an amazing accomplishment for Mr. Cozine.  It seems as if everything is going his way right now, and this was just the icing on hie erotic cake.  Then.............just when I began to make my way for the exit.........

BAM!!!  AGAIN!!!!!  Cozine pop's up from the center of floor, shooting straight up through it like a ...........well like a.............a penis I guess.  That is probably the best way to describe it, I don't write non-music you'll have to forgive me.  Cozine begins to rotate and then I see it, he is wearing women's cut jeans.  These are Alyssa Milano designed hip-huggers, with that always classy Pittsburgh Steelers logo splashed on the right cheek.  Nothing says, "I am a classy broad" than any reference to be being from Pittsburgh. 

     Mr. Cozine, my purple velour hat goes off to you.  I knew nothing of your sport, or you as a person.  But  I just might be your numero uno fano senor.  The line is full of intimate things only a woman could truly understand about fashion.   If I did not know any better I would think he was a regular old poof.  In all seriousness, my sincerest congrats to you and yours on your newest endeavor.  There is no doubt it will be an amazing success Mr. Daniel.

All Of My Love,

Elton

Rochester Rainbows: Only Undefeated Left After Week 3

article by:  John Travolta

     Man, what another amazing weekend of football on West Wilson Street.  Three of the four games this weekend remained fairly close, with only one good old fashioned taint slam.  This weekend was filled with underperforming, from both coaches and players.  Despite all of that, the Rochester Rainbows went in to Clark Sweeney Memorial Stadium and held on to their undefeated record against a very tough Tree Humper team. 

     The Rochester Rainbows have put themselves in the driver's seat to control their own destiny, under the acceptional coaching of Dan Cozine.  This week coach Olsen mocked Cozine for starting both DeSean Jackson and Jeremy Maclin, all the while Olsen let Mike Wallace sit on the bench on his way to scoring 22 points.  Olsen seemed very confident all week about his teams chances, especially after last weeks 139 point abortion.  Coach Cozine had plenty of opportunities to blast Olsen back, but chose to take the high road and rely on his players to come up with the big plays when he needed them.  I think that if Cozine continues on this course, he will ride another white unicorn straight to the championship game. 

     Meanwhile, over in Madison the Chupacabras just can not seem to figure out how to suck the goat quite right.  For the third consecutive week the Chupa's just can not get anything going, even after adding alcoholic Jay Cutler and sandy vagina Carson Palmer.  This is a team in need of some motivation, if I was coach Tyson I would show them clips of my inspirational film, Phenomenon.  I get struck by lightning.....or something like that, the next thing you know......I'm Jesus.  Very inspirational.  Hey Nic, all I'm saying is consider watching Phenomenon and then get back to me.  At this point you literally have nothing else working for you, unless you got Rudy on your bench. 

Weekly Round-Up

Dingleberries    vs.    Firebirds
    112                       140

     This was a game that the Firebirds had to win.  They had such high hopes at the start of the season, but 0-2 always takes some of the gas out of your fart chamber.  The story of this game was lack of consistency on both sides of the ball.  One quarterback was a sex machine, while the other was 65 year old Jewish woman.  One running back was Braveheart and the other was Gigli.  Where coach Tyson was able to establish that this was his week, was at the tight end position.  After two weeks of sub par playing Tony Gonzalez had a huge game with 17 points, while on the other side of the field Vernon Davis had 2 points.
     "We really needed this win.  After reading the interview with Kinzie last week, it just made me want to kick his ginger ass into the turf.  The guys shared that feeling with me, accept for Garrard, so we shoved that football so far up his ginger hole he is gonna be smelling Firebird for weeks."  Coach Tyson went on to say that he wanted his team to really go out and enjoy this win.  He told them everything is fair game; dog fights, bathroom rape parties, DUI's, and keeping a handgun in your sweatpants.  Tyson wanted to stress to them that these offenses will only make you better on the football field, as this season has proved with Michael Vick, Braylon Edwards, and Ben Roethlisberger.


CYO    vs.    Clam Faces
 113                   131

     It's not very often in this life that you can be a ruthless dog Hitler one year and toast of Philly the next.  CYO may have lost, but it had nothing to do with #7 Michael Vick.  The downside of the game for CYO is, no one on the team other than Vick and Flacco scored in double digits!!  That is not a type-o!  Look at the box score.  Coach Sweeney has to feel good about getting out of there with a win, because they next time they play Vick and Roethlisberger could be on the field together. 

     I caught up with coach Sweeney after his press conference, "The guys just stayed the course and that is all I ask of them.  Well, that and to let me give their wives a 'Dog in the Bathtub' at least once a season."  I looked up what a 'dog in the bathtub' is, you probably should not.  Just know that it is no worse than anything Roethlisberger has ever done to a slut in a public pee pee room.  Let's just hope the next time these two teams meet coach Sweeney leaves his dog at home and makes sure Roethlisberger's bathroom has cameras in it.  Peyton Manning was the leading scorer for the Clam cakes this week with 31 points.

Rainbows    vs.    Humpers

   128                      121

     This was the closest game of the week, with the two teams only separated by a touchdown (which was nullified by a fake holding call on Mark Tauscher).  This was a great division matchup, with all the makings of a mediocre football movie.  The Humpers, coming off of the most disgraceful game in the history of the league, wanted nothing more than to leave a big steamy turd in the pot at the end of Cozine's rainbow.  It did not work out that way, as Coach C and his boys took those dirty Tree Humpers and tied them to a chair at a Republican National Convention.

     Coach Cozine is a man of few words, but he did have this to say at the end of the game, "Nah nah nah boo boo, stick your head in doo doo."  Coach Olsen was also reached for comment, but it was mostly full of racial slurs and I might have caught a Hellen Keller reference in their.  After this game it is pretty clear that these two are going to be bitter division rivals for the rest of the season.

Blacktion    vs.    Chupacabras

    126                       83

     This game was not close.  The Chups rolled out drunken master Jay Cutler and he lead the team with 15 points.  Black people do not scare me, but this Blackie team has this reporter shaking in his boots.  Matt Ryan and Phillip Rivers are both looking like a dynamic duo scoring 50 points between the two of them.  If coach Craig can get this kind of performance from them on an every week basis, we are gonna see a Million Man March before the champion is crowned. 

     Coach Craig could not be reached for comment.  We assume he is probably smoking blunts in his office, surrounded by his bitches and homies.  On the bright side we did catch up with Nic Tyson during the game, which was bizarre, "Mr. Travolta, can you please go away.  I got one quarterback over there puking up Jack Daniels', over there I have another one knitting me a sweater.  The last thing I need is to have Vinny Barbarino in my face asking me about why my team is so shitty.  Why don't you go watch Battlefield Earth or something?"  He didn't even know I was in that movie, he also did not seem to care.  Don't worry coach your autographed copy is in the mail.

     It's hard to imagine how this season is going to shake down.  There are only 2 things I can guarantee you about this football season; 1) You will get to read my articles every week      2)  You will always get hot pictures of Ines Sainz.  Have a great week everybody!!

Hot Off The Rumor Mill - Jay Cutler

article by:  Bruce Wayne


     While at a benefit luncheon this weekend I spoke with several members of the front office for the Chicago Dingleberries.  After several drinks, they began to talk about the trade involving Jay Cutler going  to the Madison Chupacabras.  It turns out that this deal was more for personal reasons than normal football business. 

     Jay Cutler is an alcoholic.  This may be hard for some of you to read, but it is the truth.  Look at his face in this picture, does that look like the face of a man who is prepared to do battle on the football field?  He looks to me like a weekly patron at your friendly neighborhood Hooters.  Now look, Bruce Wayne is not opposed to a casual drink every now and again, but it is hard to find a picture of this kid where he doesn't look drunker than Robert Downey Jr.

     The Dingleberries made that trade in order to keep their team from falling apart.  You can not have one of your leaders out on the field mixing rum with his Gatorade.  If it isn't booze, then he is smoking joints on the sidelines and at halftime.  The Chupacabras were only too happy to take him, since that is where players go to die.  Cutler will fit right in with the Madison crowd because most of them are drunk all day too. 

     It is such a shame to see a young man, with his whole life ahead of him, behave this way.  On the positive side, he isn't killing dogs or raping bar skanks in public restrooms and has not been convicted of a DUI............this season anyways.  The question now becomes, where do we draw the line for these players?  Do we simply provide them booze, dog fighting circles, and endless pounds of reefer in order to make life even easier for them?  I do not have the answers, but don't you think that someone should.

     Commissioner Kinzie was unavailable for comment about the details behind the trade.  My guess is that he will cover up for Cutler because he loves him like a son.  I know that, because he has said it in countless interviews since his acquisition.  Alcoholism is a disease.  And if Mr. Cutler has a disease (other than that diabetes crap he is always crying about), he needs to seek medical attention.  If only their was a winged crime fighter to help him see the error of his ways.  Since their isn't, here is another picture of this drunk bastard. 

     How much more evidence do you need?

Sincerely,

Bruce Wayne
President/CEO Wayne Enterprises
Certainly not Batman

THE Interview with Ryan Leaf

This Week:  League Commissioner Charles Kinzie Esquire

     League Commissioner and veritable Renaissance man, Charles Roger Kinzie, sat down with me this week to discuss the start to this season.  We probed deep into  We really dug in   We had a nice chat about a few things that have been hanging over the league to start the season.  He was kind enough to invite me to his home in Chicago for Beer and Pizza (even though I asked for tea and biscuits).

RL:  Mr. Kinzie, what is the leagues official stance on a tie game?

CK:  It's unfortunate that it happened.  You hope that something like that never happens, but it was bound to happen sooner or later.  The thing that really pissed me off, was that even Wally suffered a tie in his record.  How is that fair?  Wally did not deserve that.

RL:  I couldn't agree more, poor dog.  Would you ever consider making tie games illegal?

CK:  Maybe not so far as to make it illegal, but certainly some sort of punishment for the parties involved.  Possibly some form of public humiliation, like putting them in the gallows so people can throw old fruit and vegetables at them.  We would make sure that it was socially acceptable, you know, no feces tossing or anything like that.  Just good old fashioned rotten food.

RL:  Wow, what a revolutionary idea.  You have seen the game between the Humpers and the Blackies, who do you think won?

CK:  Well I can not say one way or the other for legal reasons, but I will say the Blackies didn't lose.

RL:  Point taken.  Now my next questions is about the Seattle Humpers new stadium, which will be called Clark Sweeney Memorial Stadium.  Did you vote for or against the new stadium?

CK:  I voted yes.  Vehemently.

RL:  Do you find it strange that Clark's own son did not make more of an effort ot build a stadium in his father's name?

CK:  It's downright shameful............how do you spite your father that way?

RL:  I could never do that to my father I know that.  Do you also find it strange that coach Sweeney has not yet contributed to the league blog, even though he has a degree in journalism?

CK:  I am disappointed, but he has a lot going on in his personal life.  He is moving in with his girlfriend, not sure if you knew about that Lou  Ryan Leaf.  Well anyways, when he does write the article I have very high hopes.  I think it will be something that will truly make us consider our existence and what our purpose on this earth might be.

RL:  So you are expecting "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows"?

CK:  More or less.

RL:  Charles, who the hell is Clark Sweeney?  And why is he so important to this league?

Only known photo of Imperial Thrashing Baby Killers

CK:  Well Ryan, Clark Sweeney is of course the father of Brain Sweeney, the head coach of the Washington D.C. Clam Faces.  Clark was really the glue that helped keep the Imperial Thrashing Baby Killers alive and well.  In fact, Clark was the person who came up with the name!!  Ahhh, so many memories of him calling us girls and quacking at us about nonsense.  He also helped us to party like it was 1999.......in 1999.  I mean that is the kind of man Clark Sweeney was.  Let me tell you something, if you don't know Clark Sweeney you don't belong on earth.  That man is my Superman............but alot shorter................and less muscular.  Lots of chest hair though.  What was the original question?

R.L:  Not important.  Here's a better question, why did you decide to let Michael Vick back in the league?

C.K:  Did I?  Michael Vick is back in the league?  (turns to assistant and assistant whispers something in his ear)  Oh, that's right.  He replaced that Kolby jack kid.  Ummm, Vick seems over it.  He says all the right things, kind of like McNabb used to do.  All in all I am pretty neutral about it, Swiss if you will.

R.L:  Has dog murdering always been a passion of yours?

C.K:  (silence and glaring)

R.L:  Out of line?  I'm sorry.  Let me re-phrase that.  If I murder a dog, do you think you could get me a try out for one of the Madison teams?

C.K:  Your best bet would be the Chupacabras.  I know the manager, let me see what I can do. 

R.L:  Now for a more personal question.  Lou Olsen is a contributor to our blog, he told me that you disappeared at his wedding.  Where did you go?  He wanted me to ask you.

C.K:  I had to sneak out to a Ginger Seperatist Movement sponsored 'All Ginger Pride Conference 2009' at the airport Hilton.  The motto that year was:  The only way to fight hate, is with more hate!!  Great conference.

R.L:  Ok.  And at last our questionnaire, which I stole from James Lipton, who stole it from Bernard Pivot, who really stole it from Marcel Proust.

What is your favorite word?

C.K: Ginger

R.L:  What is your least favorite word?

C.K: Non-Ginger

R.L: What turns you on?

C.K:  Red Power

R.L:  What turns you off?

C.K:  All other colors

R.L:  What is your favorite curse word?

C.K: Fuck

R.L:  What sound or noise do you love?

CK:  The sound of me farting

R.L:  What sound or noise do you hate?

C.K:  The sound of other people farting

R.L:  What other profession other than your own, would you like to attempt?

C.K:  Nude Salsa Dance Instructor

R.L:  What profession would you not like to attempt?

C.K:  Tornado Chaser.  Bill Paxton sucks.  (Twister reference)

R.L:  If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?

C.K:  Just Kidding

R.L:  Finally, if there is no heaven and you are reincarnated as some other plant or animal, what would it be?

C.K:  Ginger root, I could be used for spice. 

R.L:  Thank you very much for your time Mr. Kinzie.  Is there anything else you would like to say?

C.K:  Red Power!!

R.L:  Great. 


     After spending this time with Mr. Kinzie, I realized how fortunate this league is to have such an empowering figure leading the way.  This is a man of great power and prestige, yet he is just a simple man like you or .......well not me I'm awesome.  I am struck by how much he cares about his teams and their coaches.  We are in amazing, soft, gentle, warm, yet firm, ginger hands.

 

How many QB's does it take to....................

article by:  Curtis Enis
(Former Chicago Bear, and 39th biggest draft bust in all of sports (per ESPN))

1) Steal Kevin Kolb's Job

     Sadly, the answer to this question is just 1.  Enter Michael Vick, dog murderer extraordinaire, and fantasy football machine.  Sure, anyone who was lucky enough to pick up Vick is kissing their own ass for how genius they are, but what are the long term ramifications?  Will Kevin Kolb start murdering dogs in order to save his career?  Will Eagles coach Andy Reid start murdering dogs just to fit in with Vick?  When Vick's career starts to decline, will he murder more dogs just to get a Brett Favre size share of media attention.  

2) Beat the Steelers Defense

     At the moment the answer is two and counting.  How is it possible that a team with Charlie Batch (number four on the Steelers depth chart) at QB can keep winning games?  That defense is just relentless.  It is as simple as that.  And with the return of "the bathroom rapist" looming in week 5, things are only going to get worse for opposing quarterbacks.

3) Make the Chupacabras an actual threat in this league

     Well with two huge trades this week for both Jay Cutler and Carson Palmer that number might be 2.  Although both quarterbacks have a history of erratic play, this is certainly a step up from Derek Anderson and Kevin Kolb (may he rest in peace).  Desperate times call for desperate measures over there in Madison. 

4) Make Brett Favre NOT look like Diva

     None that I know of.  That guy is a bigger drama queen than the whole Kardashian family.  Hey Brett, if you want to play again next year take a page from my book.  Get a hooker pregnant, denounce your family, covert to Islam, and then show up to training camp......and preferably in that order.   

5) Get the Cleveland Browns into the Playoffs

     Right now the number is 27.  That's right 27 different quarterbacks have started for the Browns since their return to the NFL in 1999.  You think your team sucks?  That's an average of just short of 3 per year.  In fact the only Quarterback to stat an entire season since 1999:  Arizona Cardinals starting QB Derek Anderson.  At least the Chupacabras are willing to stick with a guy for 2 weeks before moving on. 

Well that's it for me this week.  Thanks for reading, some might say this is the best football work I have done since college.  If you have any friends who need landscaping done I am free all the time.  It's amazing that no one out there is willing to give a former NFL star a job.  Especially here on the north side of Chicago.  I would just like to give a shout out to my boy Cade McNown, wherever that guy is. 

Wally Picks A Winner for Week 3

by:  Lou

Ok, so last week that dog of mine was 0-3-1................well, technically he was 0-4 but thanks to that tie everything is all fucked up.  This week I got my wife involved, and I am hoping that her prescence helped him pick some winners. 

Wally's Picks for Week 3

Blacktion at the Chupacabras

    Wally Says:  The Blacks  

CYO at the Clam Faces

     Wally Says:  Clam Faces

Dingleberries at the Firebirds

     Wally Says:  Dingleberries

Rainbows at the Tree Humpers

     Wally Says:  Rainbows

Well, for my sake I hope the dog goes 0-3-1 again.  Then again, I hate ties.  Gentlemen, I would wish you good luck but that would just make me a liar.  I am many things, but a liar..........well I guess I lie, but not this time.  Eat a fat chode this weekend!! 

Rainbows Look to their Roots... And Find a Pot of Gold

by Seymour Butts

Rochester Rainbow Special Correspondent

     Rochester, Minnesota's premier football team, the Rainbows, has a richer history than many would imagine.  The franchise initially formed one year ago as the Rochester Jizz Bolts.  The team's uniform and helmet featured a solid blue background split diagonally by a giant white lightning bolt-shaped load of jizz.  Behind an all-star roster which included Super Bowl champion Drew Brees, break-out tight end star Jermichael Finley, Donald Driver, and Ray Rice, the inaugural season ended with an amazing 11-3 record and first place finish.  The entire season was a neck-in-neck race between the Jizz Bolts and the I. T. Baby Killers for the top seed heading into the championship tournament.  The I. T. Baby Killers stumbled in the final weeks of the regular season, yielding the number one seed to the Jizz Bolts.  The Jizz Bolts beat the BananaNose Maldonados handily, advancing to the Final with a 95-74 victory.  In the upset of the century, third seeded Rugberts defeated the I. T. Baby Killers to meet the Jizz Bolts in the Final.  In one of the most closely contested matchups of the season, the Jizz Bolts eked out a 103-97 victory over the Rugberts, thus securing Coach Cozine's job for at least one more season.

Soon after the victorious season, Coach Cozine was delivered some devastating news - no money for the league had been collected, and therefore the projected payout for taking first place was exactly $0.  Spiraling into a deep state of depression, Coach Cozine was frequently spotted visiting the neighborhood Dairy Queen, ordering as many as three large Butterfinger Blizzards at a time.  Reporters could not elicit any meaningful comments from Coach Cozine during these dark times.  Mostly, they were only able to catch him muttering under his breath, "That is so gay."

     Putting football aside, Coach Cozine returned to form that following Spring to put together an NCAA Basketball Tournament Bracket.  Against all odds, he chose an under-the-radar Duke team to win it all.  After trailing the tourney pool for most of March, the dividends of picking a darkhorse team started rolling in.  In a matter of several days, Cozine's bracket catapulted from nearly dead last to front of the pack.  In a pleasant reversal of prior trends, several fellow competitors actually mailed in their entrance fees.  With a renewed sense of hope, Cozine decided to give the football route another shot.  Assembling what he could of his former top-notch squad, Coach Cozine entered the fray, with this to say on his draft-day press conference:

    

     "It has been a long road from where we ended up at the end of last season.  I had to have gained at least 50 pounds, but I've lost it all to be in the best shape possible to coach this team to a repeat victory.  I still maintain, this team maintains, that receiving no pay out for last year's victory is really gay.  I mean seriously.  Super mega ultra gay.  At this time, I would like to officially announce a change in our team's name to something which accurately reflects the gay feelings we have towards the previous season's disappointment.  Henceforth, the Rochester Jizz Bolts will now be proudly taking the field as the Rochester Rainbows.  I wish the other coaches in the league the best of luck, and would like to respectfully invite them all to eat a dick."

     The season is already off to a fast start for Rochester's favorite team.  At 2-0, they hold an unshared lead in the West division.  Coach Cozine certainly spat some venomous material, and it remains to be seen if any of the other coaches can successfully turn that venom into effective bulletin board material.  The world will certainly be watching as the Jizz Bolts come Rainbows play for the repeat.

Not Enough Humping or Blacking in Week 2

article by: John Travolta

     So the saying goes, "There is a first time for everything", and this week was no exception.  In a weekend filled with amazing performances from players and teams alike, one story has left everyone scratching their heads;  How can you have a tie in football?  This was not just any tie, both teams scored 139 points.  The Humpers had been leading through the entire game, until a late Frank Gore touchdown put the Blackies ahead by 3 points.  The only hope for a Humpers come back was a Garret Heartley field goal, and they only had 1:19 left to get him into position.  With :02 seconds left Hearltey walked onto the field to save the day for the hippies from Seattle.  His kick was straighter than my character in 'Face/Off' , and we had ourselves a tie game with no time left. 

     This was uncharted waters, and the commissioner was clueless.  "I'm in shock.  I have to see if there are any scoring changed before all is said and done."  In his first year as commissioner of the league he is already having to handle a great deal of controversy.  We are all aware of his current battle with congress over his Don't Ask Don't Tell policy in regards to the league, he has also received criticism for allowing two teams to make their home in Madison, and now this tie game debacle.  As a fellow man of power, there is really no right answer to this tie debate.  Does he dare overturn centuries of Fantasy Football by having an overtime, or do you just allow the tie to stand and potentially doom one teams playoff hopes down the road.  Better him than me I always say. 

     Regardless of how that breaks down, it should not take away from this amazing game.  Maybe it is better that no one win or lose.  This may have been the game of the year!!  It was high scoring, with tons of star power, and a back and forth battle that went right down to the final play of the weekend.  Frank Gore was without a doubt the player of the game scoring 28 points, meanwhile the Humpers defense put up an astonishing 33 points.  Any fan of football can tell you, games like this just do not come around very often.  There has never been a game that made me pee in my pants before, not because I was scared but because I couldn't bear to leave my television.  That is good football.

League Roundup 

Clams   vs.   Dingleberry 

   92                  126

     This game was never a contest after Matt Schaub threw for almost 500 yards.  When asked how you stop a guy like that Coach Sweens said, "Normally I would just have him stabbed or give him herpes.  Sadly my herpes is in remission and my team is full of pansies, so we lost." 

     After a strong win last week the Clams seemed to take a step back.  It is still really early, but the clams will need to really pick it up on defense if they want to challenge for the division crown.  On the other side, the Dingleberries continue to look like the team to beat in their division.  Another consistent performance on both sides of the ball from the Cow Pie offense.

Rainbows   vs.    Chupacabras

     115                         70

     Whenever the defense scores 14 points to lead your team in scoring, you just will not win.  The Chupa Chups really need to figure out how they can score more points.  Sounds really easy, but the Chupa coach seems to be having problems, "Nobody in my locker room wants to score!!  I have not seen this kind of sandy vaginitus since I was in the Navy.  At least in the Navy the only thing on your mind is SCORING!!!!!!!!" 

     Holy Shit, he is mad.  In the other locker room Coach Cozine could do nothing but praise his players.  I would have quoted him, but no one wants to read about happy things.  Needless to say most of the coaches praise was to his outstanding rookie running back Jahvid Best, who posted a 40 point day to lead all scorers. 

CYO    vs.    Firebirds

 108                   81

     The CYO's bounced back in a big way this week behind Micahel "I Don't Kill Dog's Anymore" Vick.  This was a huge victory for the CYO's confidence after last weekends painful loss.  Coach Derr after the game, "Mike was great tonight, it's too bad he won't be starting next week though because I'm not feeling too good about goodie two shoes Flacco.  At least with Michael everyone is afraid of him murdering their dog, which opens a lot of doors for him on the football field."

     The Firebirds just can not get everyone on the same page.  On paper they are one of the more terrifying teams, but two straight weeks of underperforming have put them in a 0-2 hole to start the season.  In a strong East division it is going to be difficult to claw their way to the top.  Coach Kurt spoke briefly to Ryan Leaf after the game, "I would have blitzed more, but I am an animal lover." 

Humpers    vs.    The Darkies

   139                        139 

     They tied. 

     What a thrilling week two.  Not much else to say until we hear from the commissioner later this week about how we will handle ties in the future.  Make sure and rent 'From Paris With Love' this week.  I give one of my finest performances with facial hair, plus it did not do so well at the Box Office.  Also, don't miss 'Grease' on VH-1 this Wednesday night, it is still the greatest movie musical  I have ever been in.  See everybody next week.  And now the reason you all read my articles, some Ines Sainz pictures. 

Wally Picks A Winner!!!!

by: Lou Olsen

     Hello gentlemen.  I will be doing a weekly segment called, "Wally Picks A Winner".  It shall work as follows:  I write down the name of two teams playing on two separate pieces of paper, then I put a treat on each name.  I hold the dog at one end of my hallway, when I let him go it's whichever treat he goes to first.  Pretty straight forward, and my objective is to see if I should let Wally make bets in Vegas.

Game #1    The Humpers vs. The Blacktion
     Wally Says:  The Humpers     (Disclaimer:  The Dog does not show favoritism, that was his pick.)

Game #2    The Clams vs. The Dingleberries
     Wally Says:  The Clams

Game #3    The CYO vs. The Firebirds
     Wally Says:  The Firebirds

Game #4    The Rainbows vs. The Chupas

     Wally Says:   The Chupas

Don't be upset, he's just a dog who is motivated by treats.  I suspect he may have a gift and this will be my study to confirm that.  Papa needs a new pair of shoes!!

Badgers at Minnesota 2005: Blocked Punt

Rainbow Coach Upset Over "Badgering"

Article by:
Field Reporter Ryan Leaf

     In a special interview with Rochester Rainbows head coach Daniel Cozine, he revealed to me that he has had enough "badgering" over his alma mater.  Coach Cozine is a proud graduate of the University of Minnesota, while many of his fellow coaches attended the University of Wisconsin.  The two schools have a rich history of great football, and yet in recent years it seems as though one of these team has taken the upper hand. 

RL:  Dan, how tough has it been being a Gopher fan the last decade or so?

DC:  Well, it has had some up's and down's, and for whatever reason it always semms to be extra low against the Badgers. 

RL:  What kind of things have been said amongst you and the other coaches?

DC:  Well it was all fun and games until.......I mentioned the 2005 botched punt game.

RL:  Now, what was so special about that game?

DC:  Mr. Leaf, you know what happened.  My licensed therapist has advised me that sometimes it is better to keep things bottled up. 

RL:  I'm sorry Dan.  Let's talk about when the teasing went over the line.

DC:  Well, a certain coach aired the video replay for everyone to see at the most recent coaching seminar. 

RL:  So you had to remember that horrible day all over again?

DC:  Yes, yes I did...........it was horrible.

RL:  Would it make you mad if you had to see it again?  Or, say if someone else showed it again.  Would that make you pretty angry.

DC:  Not so much angry, hurt is probably a better word.  It would hurt me terribly.  Then I would also consider the person who showed it a complete and total waste of life.  Someone who has nothing better to do than be a dick.

RL:  I can assure you that I would never do anything like that.  The name Ryan Leaf is synonymous with dignity, respect, and never letting people down.

DC:  That's true.

RL:  Anyways, Dan would you say that the "badgering" has to stop?
 
DC:  I probably wouldn't say it like that because I hate all puns, but yes I would like it to stop.

RL:  Okay, well good luck with that.  Thank you for your time today Dan.  Good luck this week!

DC:  Thanks Ryan.

     Now since this interview I have obtained several electronic documents confirming the "Badgering".  Here is a quote from D.C. Clam Faces coach Sweeney, " I DID LAUGH AT YOU SUCKERS ALL THE WAY TO THE BANK! BWAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Good times. Beating Minnesota is the gift that keeps on giving."  This was only the beginning of the savage abuse coach Cozine has endured.

 "I had almost forgotten the utter joy that an old-fashioned Badger-Gopher football game brings. And let me tell you, sitting there during that back and forth game to see that last-second-botched punt get recovered in the end-zone for the Badger win was GLORIOUS."  This was a quote pulled of an e-mail from Dingleberry Head Coach and league commisioner Charles Kinzie.

     This final excerpt is a little more graphic,  "The Gophers really sucked the days dick on that one."  This coming from the tree hugger state of Washington, head coach Lou Olsen. 

     After reviewing all of the evidence I think it is safe to say Dan Cozine is probably just a sissy.  When I was on the field I never complained or sat out due to minor things.  You need to toughen up that skin coach because the game is tough and can leave long lasting pain.  Sometimes that pain gets so much you break into a players house to steal their Vicodin.  Cozine is not man enough to handle a little friendly "badgering", how can he be expected to lead his team to victory every week.  Below you will find the video in question.  You be the judge.


Leaf, out!!!

Kickoff Weekend

   Article by: John Travolta
                

     In an opening week filled with surprises and dashed hopes, one resounding theme continues to ring out.  Where would the weekend have been without big wins for the 4 owners from Kenosha; Pregnant, Tan, Ginger, and Gay. Each kid from Kenowhere taking a quick share of their division leads. 

     There is no questions who the player of the week was as  Arian Foster found himself on the bench over the weekend, on his way to a 41 point performance.  You really have to wonder what Coach Horny Lou Olsen was thinking.  The Humpers were lucky to get out of Madison alive, everyone knows trees are the chupacabras natural prey.  This was an ugly game, played by ugly players, who are coached by ugly men.  Who knew that you could just hump a chupacabra into submission?  Other teams may want to consider a similar strategy, because mexican rodents don't go away that easily. 

     Meanwhile, across town in.......Madison, the Clamy's got physical with the Firebirds en route to a 30 point victory.  Coach Sweens really threw caution into the wind, running a league record 14 on-side kicks.  There was no doubt that his quarterback had the most to gain from this strategy.  Thirty five points coming from the always impressive Peyton Manning.  When asked how he felt about his new team Peyton said, "  Well, I hate D.C." in a thick southern drawl, "but the team is fine.  I've had better."

     In the first afternoon game we saw a gaggle of Dingleberry's head in to Blake's Mom's backyard, because that is the only place that would build a stadium for a team called Choke-You-Out.  All I can say about this game is that there was some choking, as CYO choked on a giant dingleberry 121-86.  My bold predicition of the year, Matt Forte will win comeback player of the year in only his third year in the league.  Chad Ochocinco was the top scorer in for the backyard chokers.

     Then to cap of our football weekend came the Monday night battle in Rochester.  Affirmative Blacktion came out with a very solid gameplan; Stop Ryan Grant.  That mission was accomplished early in the second quarter, when Grant's ankle spontaneously imploded on itself, ending his season.  Well, sadly for the Darkies, Chris Johnson is on that team too and he went on to score 28 points.  The Chocoalte's kept the faith and played the hot hand Hakeem Nicks, who was an unstoppable force in the closing minutes of the game.  At the end of the day, it was defense that seperated these two teams.  The Rainbow defense was just too strong, scoring 16 points  to the black man's 2.  This could be the start of an amazing rivalry, and the start of an amazing season for the queers from Rochester.

     I caught up with Comissioner Charles "Ginger Balls" Kinzie after the amazing Rainbows game, to try and get his thought on the start of the season:

JT:  Hey Charles?

CK:  Oh, hey John Travolta.

JT:  How do you think tonight went?

CK:  Well John, to be honest I was so drunk by the 2nd quarter I missed the entire game.  I was told that it was a beautiful ceremony and I was glad to have been invited.  I love Jewish Weddings.

JT:  That's a great story.

CK:  Was that a question?

JT:  Have you ever read any L. Ron Hubbard?

CK:  I think were done, thank you.

     The season has already given us all kinds of great surprises.  From the hot spanish reporter Ines Sainz to Calvin Johnson being the first wide receiver to lose a game for picking himself up off the turf.  No matter how good Ines Sainz looks in jeans, it shouldn't distract from the sexy asses we are going to see all season long on the field.  I mean it though have you seen those pictures, how could you not want to stare!!  If this is a sign of what this season will bring, I got......Sunday....Night.....Fever.  Happy 2010 Football season!!!!!!!